I find that I need to remember that these growing pains I’m going through MUST be treated and handled as they are…from the past.  They are feelings, unresolved emotions, and sometimes unrequited love.  off on a small tangent—>(The inability of the unrequited lover to express and fulfill emotional needs may lead to feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria.  WOW…just wow.  Since I have experienced some of these, it just reaffirms to me that it’s soooooo important to make sure those that I love, KNOW IT.  Even if by some chance, I have a secret prince charming admirer((which I don’t)),  riding a white steed, and I don’t know it…it’s still important to acknowledge their feelings, if at all possible… but then I guess he wouldn’t be a SECRET admirer..well anyway, you get the point…in my EXPERT opinion….ok, yea, I’m NOT an expert..but I have an opinion…)<—-back from tangent……It is the past.  I have lived through it…I may be dealing with and letting go of things or feelings from the past, but I do not feel that way now, in the present.  When I think about it that way, it makes it easier…I was once told that I compartmentalize well.  I don’t know if other people do that, but it works for me.  Especially now when I’m coming to terms with so many different things.  I have to remember to keep my feelings “separate”, for lack of a better word.  I can’t let the past come into the present, thus affecting my future.  Seems like common sense to me.   Hmmm….

What is love anyway.  There are different kinds of love, but it seems that so much pain and hurt stems from this one emotion/feeling that we all experience on some level.   It is sometimes a wild untamed action that starts with a stirring of emotion from the most wonderful place in the body.  The heart.  Sometimes it’s fresh and new and filled with adoration and so much awe for a person that words often cannot be formed.  Sometimes it starts as a mutual agreement between two people who believe they would be “good” together.  Then they go for it.  What happens next is life, love, pain, fear, laughter, sadness, growth, trust and if the motives are true, and the foundations are solid, and both want commitment  then it is a gift that should not be tossed aside.

The scary part  is during that time when it all starts to hit home…”what have I done?”  The new wears off for a while, and all those memories of how much love hurt comes flooding back like the running of the bulls.  Unexpected and confusing, this also brings every insecurity back with it like a surfer riding the ultimate wave. Now is the time when it becomes completely confusing.  One could be overcome with the drug like influence of insecurity and fear, mixed with the flashback of how f*cking much it hurt the last time love came around. They say love hurts…but it’s not love itself, as we know. It’s the people attached to love that make it hurt. It’s the possibility of getting emotionally manipulated that makes love as an action hurt.  Or it’s the possibility of losing someone we have given our all too.  Or it’s just something….What?  That’s when for me I must think logically.  One day at a time.  Or one minute or second at a time.  Why should I worry about something that doesn’t exist?  Duh…I shouldn’t.  I don’t want to worry something into existence, which can and has happened.  How dumb is that.

It used to be when I would feel anxiety, or that old insecurity of worrying about heart ache, I would pray.  I mean really pray…fall down on my knees and cry my eyes out begging for God to help me, kind of praying.  And, it worked.  I got so damn good at giving it up that I could physically feel the anxiety leave my chest.  It was really cool.  But somehow, somewhere over the last few years, I’ve gotten lost and fallen on my own understanding to handle that stuff.  That understanding being a bottle, or pill.  Now, as I see it, I have to retrain my brain.  I know I can do it, because I’ve done it before.  There are some things that I have to actually practice handling, but about 90% of the time, when I’m in my groove…I just toss it up.   That’s the groove that I’m working on finding again, minus the booze and pills.  I’m thinking it will be easier this time around. I’m writing things down a lot, that REALLY helps.  More so than I ever thought it would.  I’ve always been told to journal, but I have never done it seriously…at least not since I was a child.  I think that’s because if I had started writing, I would have had to face things I was still denying.  Just a guess, but probably pretty damn close.

So here I sit all broken hearted…no no no…that’s not it. (I am seriously twisted.  🙂   )  I’m not currently broken hearted.  I have been.  I remember that.  And a body can remember too, even if it’s owner pretends they can’t feel.  So I will continue on my little healing journey.  Today was a good day.  I love my Brookie, and my Blake.  I miss my family back in South Carolina something fierce.  I hate being so far away.  And I love my B Bear.  Life is good.

Although, I could stand to win the lottery.  🙂