I’m a bit afraid…

I’m going to spew about something that I don’t know quite how to handle.

I mentioned before that I had a stalker and subsequent home invasion back in 2008. I had dated this person, and ended the relationship because he was an abusive alcoholic.  OK…so fast forward to the night he broke into the house.  I looked up from my bed and saw a black silhouette of a man standing in the bedroom doorway.

In the years that followed that incident, up through the present, I have battled with anxiety, panic and ptsd.  I was already diagnosed with GAD, but the trauma from the break in added ptsd and panic.  I have been on Alprazolam and Clonazepam since those years, steadily, to address that situation.  In the past few years, Clonazepam has been the most effective.

With my addiction, I abused the clonazepam a lot of the time. Not very often, but that doesn’t matter, I did abuse it.  I haven’t taken anything since December 2012.  But recently, since I have made the decision to change my life, and not try to chemically influence myself, the panic, flashbacks and anxiety have come back with a vengence.  I am struggling needless to say.  I am conflicted as to whether to go to the doctor and see what can be done.  I cannot afford to go through a bunch of different medications to find one that works for me…I have taken a bunch as it is, and I know what works.  But it is addictive.

If I could go to my therapist everyday for a couple of hours, or do horse therapy everyday, I would.  But I simply can’t afford that.  I am racked with exhaustion and pain from having to “work through”, or handle these instances.  It’s very frustrating.  I’ve spent the last three days dealing with chest pain, sob, tachycardia, sweats, tremors…just to mention a few, and I am exhausted.  I really feel I need to go to a doctor to address this situation, and not try to handle it on my own.  I’m just afraid of how it’s going to be handled.

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