Make it stop!!!!!! Or something….

I just can’t stop loving you.  I have tried everything I know how.  I’ve tried logic…I’ve tried being pissed off, I’ve tried being numb, I’ve tried EVERYTHING.  It just isn’t working.  I’m sitting here crying my eyes out because you just won’t go away!!  Not that I want you to, but I’ve felt that it’s unhealthy for me to love someone that doesn’t/can’t/won’t love me back.  But how in the hell do I just turn it off??? I can’t…it won’t go away.  Then when I do see you, I want it all back, but of course reality sets in, and I realize that I can’t have what I want, and that it’s all just a pipe dream.  I don’t know what to do sometimes…what to feel, think…UGH!!!!!   At this moment, I feel like I’m going nuts. And all I want is to feel your arms around me.

I’m such a sucker.

P.S.  I still feel very blessed amidst all of this poopoo

Today, I let go, and….

faith hope love

…Took that step in faith, as the other part of my heart said the other day…. I quit trying to force something that’s not there.  It’s weird…it’s like I’m going through losing my best friend and my love, again. Although, this time, I feel like I never had that best friend, or love, to begin with.  I was simply honest (with myself mostly)  with how I felt, and what I could do, and what I needed to do to keep myself healthy.  The thing about human nature is that, people do what they want.  They act how they want, and react how they want.  Unless someone is holding a gun to their head…it’s really always their choice.  We are each responsible for our own actions, we can’t blame the weather, our parents, our boss, or our dog…it’s our choice. Period.

Don’t get me wrong….I haven’t given up.  I’m just waiting from a little further away now. I’ve simply decided that I cannot give and give, with nothing in return.  Because I know how I feel will not change right now, there’s still a chance.  But like a flower that doesn’t get water, eventually my feelings will be put into the proper place and I will quit nurturing it. It’s not healthy for me. I can’t do shallow, or what I perceive as shallow. Some things we can not change about ourselves…other things we can.

Today, I have been sober for 67 days. Doesn’t seem like a lot, but for me it is.  I can’t remember the last time I was sober for that long…LOL…it seems weird that I never thought of that before.  In the past I would have gone to the liquor store during this time in my life….  But now I see it from a different perspective….if I know that what I am doing is making me unhealthy, then I try to stop it, so I don’t allow myself to fall into those old ways of “being”, that would lead me to slip.  And really, it’s allowing me to understand the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of love I want to share with someone else.  I read somewhere that if two people give 100% with love, then it will overlap, and they will be able to balance each other out when it’s needed.  That seems like a great partnership.  I am blessed to know some couples like that.  I love watching them together…it makes me giddy inside like a little school girl.  Yea..Ima dork.  🙂

Anyway…I really miss this person.  I can’t turn off the way I feel, but I have to keep it to myself right now.  If and when the time ever comes for that 100%/100% sharing to come into my life, I will be ready.  I can’t see into the future, but God knows my heart.  He’ll take care of me. This I know to be true.

To B Bear…I love you.  I wish God’s blessings upon your life, I pray you feel and hear His voice in your heart, and experience the indwelling of love that only He can give you. I pray for safety and guidance for you in everything you do, and because I have faith, I know it is done.

I haven’t given up…

bob marley

Today…I am thankful for another day to be alive.  Struggles and all.  And really, I don’t have many struggles.  Actually, just one that I am trying to process.  How do you move from romantic love, back to friendship without feeling weird?  I’m not sure how to do that…it’s like I need to learn how to flip a switch, and I’m not sure how.  I’m not sure if I can even do it.  Since I’m trying to deal with feelings and not push them away, it seems counterproductive to try to “switch” it off. So I am at a cross roads….do I wait and see if anything happens later, or do I live in the now and realize that RIGHT NOW, I am not needed. If I wait, then I am committing myself to something that can’t commit back.  I am the only one making a decision if I do that.  Hmm..that’s not fair. LOL..If I don’t wait, then I move on to the opportunities that have been presenting themselves, but also the whole scenario of starting over.  Yikes…But also…I believe that it’s not always in my control.  I can pray and ask for guidance, which I do.  And thank you Lord for taking my burdens, by the way.

I mentioned the other day something that I have been thinking about a lot.  My thoughts were something to the affect of–“don’t replace one addiction with another.”   I’ve said before that for me it’s important to understand actions and thought processes, for myself, so that I can react accordingly and correct my behaviour so I do not continue to make the same mistakes.  So in thinking about not replacing one addiction with another…I wonder if I’m addicted to love…haha…sounds like an 80’s hairband song. Oh is.  LOL…Thank you Robert Palmer…anyway…I’m getting sidetracked.  I LOOOOOOVE to love.  I love being in love, choosing to love, all of it.  It makes me feel good.  So then I think of my friends that say…I don’t want to be with anyone.  I like being alone.  One friend in particular is so afraid of getting hurt, that she will not even consider loving again.  Me…I’m too dorky to give up.  I still have that hope in humanity.  I haven’t given up. And you know what?  I’m not going to give up either.  God says he will give us the desires of our hearts, in one way or another…so I’m gonna go with it.  I’ve thrown up all my worries and cares to Him, and he has answered my prayers seven-fold. He made me, He knows me, and He takes care of me.

I had taken a break for a few days from blogging.  And as I am typing now, and once again, I realize how this form of processing is a way to hear God’s voice in my heart. It NEVER ceases to amaze me.  It’s hard to explain, but the key ingredient that I find is in my own actions.  I must be vulnerable and open, not allow a hard heart, or bitterness to fill it.  I must trust that someone other than myself is in charge.  It comes down to trust for me…I must practice it.  I can’t let the walls build up around my heart, because when that happens, I will not hear what I need to.

Recovery is a life long process…I believe that it doesn’t stop…we are constantly changing, as is life, so there is no possible way that we are “recovered”.  I just don’t believe it.  Like a relationship, it must be nurtured and paid attention to, or complacency and temptation will worm it’s way back into our lives like a maggot into a dead body.  I want to keep learning and growing and maybe someday be able to share that with someone.

But until then….I’ll stay the course, stand guard and keep love in my heart.


Today I get to go watch my friend of over 25 years get married.  I pray that they have a happy and blessed life together, and that nothing but joy fills their lives.  🙂

To be continued….at some point before tomorrow, after I emerge from my mushroom….


I’m soooo tired. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. The sun came up this morning, as it always does, and it was beautiful. With the tragedies happening on our home turf, it seems trivial for me to even complain about anything. So I won’t. I want to be thankful for my blessings…friends and family, confusion and contentment. I want to be thankful that I am able to be here to love, even if it’s not returned.  Thankful to be able to cry, laugh, pray, and miss my love. Thankyou God…

My heart smells of you

I don’t know why I go through so many days of feeling great, then it just seems like I have to face all those feelings that I am working through…all at once.  Why all at once.  Why can’t I have a little here and a little there…why can’t it be when I want to instead of when I don’t want to.  When I am alone, in the quiet.  And why the fuck does it always have to come with a panic attack.  I mean really, what’s going to happen to me, NOTHING. I have been hurt, that’s it.  It’s not like I am going to die from it.  Although last week, that’s what it felt like.

I saw him yesterday.  For the first time since it ended. I wasn’t exactly sure how I was going to handle it, or what I was going to feel.  Since the range of emotions that I have been having has been vacillating from hurt, to love, to anger, to not caring.  It was good…he smelled like him….that smell I love so much…I always say that to him…”you smell like you”.  I’m sure he thinks I’m weird, or one beer short of a six pack…or I guess in my day, a 30 pack.  I love the way he smells, feels, tastes, kisses..everything.  Even the unmentionables…it’s just him…I love him.  I wish he loved me like that. I wish he could see and feel the pain that is inside of me.  The wretching, gut tearing, one ton weight on my chest feeling I have sometimes.  The grabbing the pillow sobs that claw out of my throat, lungs, chest, heart when I cry over him.  I wish he could feel that, and maybe he would understand.  Then again, maybe he wouldn’t.  Maybe he wouldn’t care.  Maybe it wouldn’t matter.

He told me he missed me.  And since I tend to be somewhat of a smart ass, I replied “that’s cuz I’m awesome..haha” .  He said that maybe I was awesome and that was why he missed me, but he didn’t know, and maybe he would figure it out.  HUH?  Why do you have to figure out why you miss someone…you miss them because you care, and love them.  I wonder why he has to figure it out, but that’s his choice.  Maybe he’s never felt love before, maybe he can’t feel love. Maybe he’s scared of what he’s feeling.  Maybe I’m living under a mushroom and really a leprachaun with my little shillelagh.  Who knows.  I just know that I am like a growing amoeba, or rather a traveling amoeba…oozing and slothing around some days standing up in human form, communicating in the english language…laughing, driving, breathing, listening to my heart beat…you know, all that living stuff.  Then back down to the floor I plop, into my featurless, feeling-less, breathing-less form.  Just to rest.  To rest from all this vile vomit that I feel like is inside of me a lot of the time.  That nasty shit that is slowly working it’s way out like a splinter surrounded with puss.  I take a deep breath through my tiny lungless holes in my exterior, so I can summon up the strength and energy to stand back up again and act like that person that I know I am, that person that is hidden inside, under all the manure, maggots and worms.

I know this will pass.  I keep telling myself that.  Cuz, that’s what happens…the sun goes down, and comes back up again.  Things keep going.  New life starts and death becomes, everyday.  But what I am having a hard time with is this grey area.  “I want to be your friend and be with you and around you.”  He must not have a clue how much I want that too, but also how much that hurts.  It’s like he has everything he wants, but I have only a little, and I feel like I am losing.  Losing what?  I don’t have a fucking clue, but it feels like that.  “I want to work on myself”.  Ok, I get that.  I want to work on myself too…I do work on myself.  Every. Freakin. Day.  I didn’t want to get rid of him to work on myself though…I thought that we could share in the healing growth process. I guess not. Or maybe it was too much for him…he did mention that…that a relationship thrown into the “mix” just added too much.  But yet he still wants the benefits of a relationship, but not the committment of one?  Blah…I don’t know.  It’s not that I think that he wants someone else…that’s not it.  I don’t think that he knows what he wants.  I just wish he had known himself well enough BEFORE he said I love you, and before I believed in him.  Then I could have not gotten emotionally involved with him.  I remember asking him if he was emotionally available…and he said yes.  I guess he wasn’t.  Or maybe he was, and when he realized it, it scared him.  Or maybe I just need to quit trying to figure it out and do my own thing.  DUH.  I guess this is my own thing…healing, understanding, growing, praying, learning.  Love isn’t always easy.. it’s not always a tip toe through the tulips…. it’s sometimes a nasty knife into the heart, instead of butterflies in the stomach.

In the end, after all these feelings, thoughts and emotions, the one thing that stands true, is that at the end of the day, I still love this man.  This man who can’t decide if he loves me back.

My goodbye letter to you….

I really have a blessed life.  Through heartache and tears…I have been given the gift of knowing that I will be ok…

That being said, I wish I could have known what the future held.  I wish I could have known that the last words you were going to say to me were “I love You’.  I wish I could have not been so selfish and spent more time telling you how much you meant to me and how much you have impacted my life. I wish I could have been closer, so I could have spent more time with you during those final days, weeks, months. I guess it never crossed my mind that you wouldn’t be there anymore. You had always been there. Why would it be any different?

The pain that I have carried for the time since you left, has been on some days, unbearable, but yet I’m still here. Life has gone on.  Even though it’s been some time since you left, it seems like just yesterday that I talked to you.  You had such an impact on my life,  and subsequently my childrens’ lives. I wonder what it would have been like for you to see them grow up, into the wonderful young adults they are today.  And I wonder what you would have said to me, every time I screwed up, every time I cried, every time I missed you so much that my heart bled tears. I can’t count the times I’ve prayed and wondered what you did when you left this earth.  Where did you go?  Can you see me?  Hear me?  I wish I knew.  I believe I will see you again, though the level of understanding and comprehension will be so different, that I am sure. Until that time…

I love you.

Things change…

“A new idea cannot be grafted onto a closed mind…. Open-mindedness leads us to the very insights that have eluded us during our lives.”   This was the quote from my Just For Today reading.  It hit home for me in a lot of ways.  I feel sometimes like I am on a roller coaster of logic and emotion all at the same time.  Especially lately with the feeling that I have lost the love of my life.  My first initial reaction was hurt, quickly followed by anger, with which I lashed out.  I did apologize once I calmed down, and realized that hurt does not equate anger. I also realized that I still am very much in love with him and I have chosen to love him.

The reading today to me tells me to look outside of myself to the kind of person I want to be.  The kind of person I believe that I am, in my heart and soul.  I mentioned previously that I can’t do anything other than love.  I can be bitchy, mean, and vengeful, but that’s not me, and I don’t like myself when I am like that, so it just doesn’t fit me.  Some people can do that, I just can’t.  I hate feeling angry and bitter…it physically makes me sick.

What I wonder is how can I love someone who doesn’t want it?  Good question. I don’t know. I don’t know how long I can continue to do that, and how long it’s going to be before I can’t be sustained by the love that I create, by myself. A friend told me to be careful…she said don’t wait too long, or you might open yourself up to more heartbreak and false expectations.  She said she had done it once, and had gotten let down horribly and felt more defeated than initially. Me being me, I will have to figure it out on my own.  I’ll have to take it one day at a time, and just keep moving forward.  Right now the thought of being with anyone else, simply isn’t there.  I want to fight, but I can’t…it’s not in my hands.  If I were to buck up and pull away, it would just make me hurt worse…so I take what I can get at this point.  I will not be a lost puppy though…even if that’s the way I feel.  I will be open and honest, but I am something to be valued, and I will not lose that value.  Something that I think isn’t understood is that I know that I am worthy of love.  And I know how to love, I’m good at it. I do not know what God has planned for me, and I cannot see into the future, but I can pray for His help and guidance to see me through this part of my life.  God can only work in a persons life if they let him.  Giving up control is an across the board action, not a pick and choose action.  If you give it up, then it’s got to be everything, not just what you feel like that day.

Sometimes, God will intercede for you.  How cool is that?  “Yo God, you got this for me??”  “Sure..I got your back”.   I’ve seen it happen, and it is absolutely awesome.  Another really amazing thing I have done is fasted and prayed for someone.  Yea, I know what some think…that it’s a crock, and why do you have to fast to pray.  Well, you don’t.  But something happens when you do, and until someone has actually done it…it’s completely impossible to explain.  As I am typing this, the feeling I had in my chest has left…I have learned to know what God’s voice sounds like in my life.  And if I am open…the answers come to me.  It’s another really cool thing to experience.  To know God.  To figure out how he talks to you. Or me.  I really like it, and it completely comforts me…it takes away all the angst and heartache…He doesn’t always make it so I can’t experience the pain, and learn from it, but when there’s something I need to do, He knows that I have to be rid of the distractions, in order to do what I need to.  Or what He needs me to do.  Sometimes I don’t know, I just know that I need to complete a task.

So from the beginning when I started typing this, I was confused and torn as to what I needed to do next.  How I needed to handle the feeling of loss from the one that I love.  Now, towards the end of my post…I only feel the need to do one thing.  My love has not disappeared…it’s very much there…but I have the task of doing what I know I should be, at this moment.  I have the faith…now I just have to lean on it.

Prayer changes things.  Period.

I just don’t get it.

I cannot describe the feeling of emptiness I have right now.  Even though I have talked to you today, my heart still aches when it faces the reality of the situation.  I vacillate between feeling ok, to complete heart break.  I don’t know whether to keep on in my current path, or go a different direction.  I think I love you too much. I wonder if I’m completely afraid to let you go, because I want to see if your heart will change. Sometimes I don’t understand your reasoning ..logically I understand, but on an emotional level, how can you leave me?  How can you tell me you love me, and then say you can’t be mine? How can you promise to care and protect and guard my heart, then one day just change your mind?  How can you tell me you are falling in love with me and tell me every day that you love me, then say, “NO”.  I want to scream at you, tell you how you have broken me, I want you to feel my pain. I don’t know how you can say that you have nothing to complain about, yet you have hurt me to the core.  I don’t know how you can say that this isn’t easy for you, but then act like it is easy.  I don’t understand that.  It’s confusing. “I just broke someone’s heart, and I have nothing to complain about”.  I don’t get it.  This is one of those times I am hurting and confused.  You said you had to back away…why?  You said in the beginning that you were falling in love with me….did the new wear off and now since that mushy gushy feeling is gone, it’s over for you?  Love is not always a’s an ACTION….maybe you just don’t like me that much.  Maybe I’m too intense, or too open, or too giving, or too needy, or too SOMETHING.  Maybe right now, I just don’t get it.