Things change…

“A new idea cannot be grafted onto a closed mind…. Open-mindedness leads us to the very insights that have eluded us during our lives.”   This was the quote from my Just For Today reading.  It hit home for me in a lot of ways.  I feel sometimes like I am on a roller coaster of logic and emotion all at the same time.  Especially lately with the feeling that I have lost the love of my life.  My first initial reaction was hurt, quickly followed by anger, with which I lashed out.  I did apologize once I calmed down, and realized that hurt does not equate anger. I also realized that I still am very much in love with him and I have chosen to love him.

The reading today to me tells me to look outside of myself to the kind of person I want to be.  The kind of person I believe that I am, in my heart and soul.  I mentioned previously that I can’t do anything other than love.  I can be bitchy, mean, and vengeful, but that’s not me, and I don’t like myself when I am like that, so it just doesn’t fit me.  Some people can do that, I just can’t.  I hate feeling angry and bitter…it physically makes me sick.

What I wonder is how can I love someone who doesn’t want it?  Good question. I don’t know. I don’t know how long I can continue to do that, and how long it’s going to be before I can’t be sustained by the love that I create, by myself. A friend told me to be careful…she said don’t wait too long, or you might open yourself up to more heartbreak and false expectations.  She said she had done it once, and had gotten let down horribly and felt more defeated than initially. Me being me, I will have to figure it out on my own.  I’ll have to take it one day at a time, and just keep moving forward.  Right now the thought of being with anyone else, simply isn’t there.  I want to fight, but I can’t…it’s not in my hands.  If I were to buck up and pull away, it would just make me hurt worse…so I take what I can get at this point.  I will not be a lost puppy though…even if that’s the way I feel.  I will be open and honest, but I am something to be valued, and I will not lose that value.  Something that I think isn’t understood is that I know that I am worthy of love.  And I know how to love, I’m good at it. I do not know what God has planned for me, and I cannot see into the future, but I can pray for His help and guidance to see me through this part of my life.  God can only work in a persons life if they let him.  Giving up control is an across the board action, not a pick and choose action.  If you give it up, then it’s got to be everything, not just what you feel like that day.

Sometimes, God will intercede for you.  How cool is that?  “Yo God, you got this for me??”  “Sure..I got your back”.   I’ve seen it happen, and it is absolutely awesome.  Another really amazing thing I have done is fasted and prayed for someone.  Yea, I know what some think…that it’s a crock, and why do you have to fast to pray.  Well, you don’t.  But something happens when you do, and until someone has actually done it…it’s completely impossible to explain.  As I am typing this, the feeling I had in my chest has left…I have learned to know what God’s voice sounds like in my life.  And if I am open…the answers come to me.  It’s another really cool thing to experience.  To know God.  To figure out how he talks to you. Or me.  I really like it, and it completely comforts me…it takes away all the angst and heartache…He doesn’t always make it so I can’t experience the pain, and learn from it, but when there’s something I need to do, He knows that I have to be rid of the distractions, in order to do what I need to.  Or what He needs me to do.  Sometimes I don’t know, I just know that I need to complete a task.

So from the beginning when I started typing this, I was confused and torn as to what I needed to do next.  How I needed to handle the feeling of loss from the one that I love.  Now, towards the end of my post…I only feel the need to do one thing.  My love has not disappeared…it’s very much there…but I have the task of doing what I know I should be, at this moment.  I have the faith…now I just have to lean on it.

Prayer changes things.  Period.

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