Today…I am thankful for another day to be alive. Struggles and all. And really, I don’t have many struggles. Actually, just one that I am trying to process. How do you move from romantic love, back to friendship without feeling weird? I’m not sure how to do that…it’s like I need to learn how to flip a switch, and I’m not sure how. I’m not sure if I can even do it. Since I’m trying to deal with feelings and not push them away, it seems counterproductive to try to “switch” it off. So I am at a cross roads….do I wait and see if anything happens later, or do I live in the now and realize that RIGHT NOW, I am not needed. If I wait, then I am committing myself to something that can’t commit back. I am the only one making a decision if I do that. Hmm..that’s not fair. LOL..If I don’t wait, then I move on to the opportunities that have been presenting themselves, but also the whole scenario of starting over. Yikes…But also…I believe that it’s not always in my control. I can pray and ask for guidance, which I do. And thank you Lord for taking my burdens, by the way.
I mentioned the other day something that I have been thinking about a lot. My thoughts were something to the affect of–“don’t replace one addiction with another.” I’ve said before that for me it’s important to understand actions and thought processes, for myself, so that I can react accordingly and correct my behaviour so I do not continue to make the same mistakes. So in thinking about not replacing one addiction with another…I wonder if I’m addicted to love…haha…sounds like an 80’s hairband song. Oh wait..it is. LOL…Thank you Robert Palmer…anyway…I’m getting sidetracked. I LOOOOOOVE to love. I love being in love, choosing to love, all of it. It makes me feel good. So then I think of my friends that say…I don’t want to be with anyone. I like being alone. One friend in particular is so afraid of getting hurt, that she will not even consider loving again. Me…I’m too dorky to give up. I still have that hope in humanity. I haven’t given up. And you know what? I’m not going to give up either. God says he will give us the desires of our hearts, in one way or another…so I’m gonna go with it. I’ve thrown up all my worries and cares to Him, and he has answered my prayers seven-fold. He made me, He knows me, and He takes care of me.
I had taken a break for a few days from blogging. And as I am typing now, and once again, I realize how this form of processing is a way to hear God’s voice in my heart. It NEVER ceases to amaze me. It’s hard to explain, but the key ingredient that I find is in my own actions. I must be vulnerable and open, not allow a hard heart, or bitterness to fill it. I must trust that someone other than myself is in charge. It comes down to trust for me…I must practice it. I can’t let the walls build up around my heart, because when that happens, I will not hear what I need to.
Recovery is a life long process…I believe that it doesn’t stop…we are constantly changing, as is life, so there is no possible way that we are “recovered”. I just don’t believe it. Like a relationship, it must be nurtured and paid attention to, or complacency and temptation will worm it’s way back into our lives like a maggot into a dead body. I want to keep learning and growing and maybe someday be able to share that with someone.
But until then….I’ll stay the course, stand guard and keep love in my heart.