Addicted to…what??

I wonder sometimes how it is even possible to love someone and not like them at the same time. I would say hate, but that’s not something I can do, ever.  It’s not in me to hate.  But not like…um yea.  I’m sure that feeling stems from hurt, because generally that’s where all my negativity comes from.  Hurt.  I have changed somehow since yesterday.  There was a miscommunication and/or misconception on my part on something that was said to me, and subsequently the perception of what I ultimately said in response.  It seems as though what was said to me, somehow changed me.  I am still processing it, because honestly, I don’t exactly know how I feel, or how I’ve changed.  One of my readers mentioned something that made me think of something else.  Could a recovering addict be addicted to recovery? Be addicted to and stuck in a thought process that does not allow growth?  I’ve heard it said, “Don’t replace one addiction with another”…so could someone be so set in their ways, and content with where they are, that anything out of their comfort zone, would be rejected?  Is the fear of something new, even if it’s good, be too much?  I don’t know.  But I was wondering if that was at all possible.  Maybe it’s just as simple as people don’t know themselves well enough, and when there is something good, they can’t or won’t see it and can’t or won’t grab onto it and run with it.  It seems like there are a lot of reasons to not do one thing or another, being said these days.  There’s always a reason NOT to.  What about a reason TO DO it?   Sometimes I think focus is put too much on the negative things in life, because it’s easier.  “I’m not ready, I can’t because it’s too much, it’s not you, it’s me…”  Always a reason to say no.  To back off, to not share.  I don’t get it. I must simply be a dork, because I’ll try and try again.

I was talking to my friend today, and I have what some would call a crisis happening in my life, but I’m not the least bit worried about it.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do, or how I’m going to handle it, but I’m not worried.  Strange.  LOL…But, for those who know me, strange is normal.  I’ve been called crazy, but only because if you dare me, I probably will…. just for fun. Well, maybe. 🙂

Tomorrow is a holiday for me, but I am going to work for double time and a half for a while.  I just couldn’t pass it up.  It will be a short day, but a profitable one none the less.  There’s going to be a lot happening tomorrow, a lot of decisions being made. Should prove to be interesting to say the least.

Peace out. I need a nap.

Something has changed.

Something has changed.  I’m not quite sure what it is, but it’s something.  I feel different. Kind of defeated maybe??  Or like I have no fight left in me, maybe?  I think I have to give myself a break.  There is a lot going on, well actually not a lot, just one big thing that I have to wait until Friday to decide how to handle. Ok, there’s two things going on, but only one is going to have an impact on my day to day living.  The other, well, it’s there, as always….  This cryptic post, with no direct explanations as to what or who…but since this post in particular is for me to process…I guess it’s ok to be cryptic this time.  Besides, I feel like a broken record sometimes…same ole shit, different day.  I guess it’s not shit, because I am happy and I have a great life, great friends, awesome family.  So, shit is the wrong word.  The weird thing is, is that I feel different this time, with the same stuff.  Like I said, something has changed. I need to figure it out.

On a different subject.. a good friend is going to start going to meetings with me. I’m excited.  It may only be once a month, but that’s good enough.  It’s always good to have that one person that I trust there to share with.  For me that’s important.  I’m not always good alone.  I’ve accepted that, and am ok with it. I’ve learned, or rather accepted a lot of things lately that I’ve tried to deny about myself.  It’s allowed a lot of contentment to settle into my life.

Still, I’m curious as to how I am going to be in the morning.  I feel sooooo different. Maybe I just need to come out from under my mushroom.

To love or not to love….hmmm…

horsie kiss

So, for the last few days I’ve been wondering why I love someone who can’t or won’t love me back.  And why I even want that love.  I started over analyzing and wondered if it had something to do with the fact that I didn’t feel loved as a child, or rather that those that I did feel love for and loved me, got removed from my life in some sort of way.  Has that psychological damage followed me to some extent through out life?  I wonder.  I don’t want to create a reason, if it’s not there.  But why on earth have I picked someone who can’t reciprocate?  I’ve had other relationships…abusive ones, liars, cheaters…you know the whole country song….well, I guess my dogs haven’t left me.  HA…Skeeter I’m trying to figure out why I am still hanging on.  I have gone back and forth…one day I buck up and say…”I can’t do this anymore, I’m moving on”.  Then the next day I say..”No, I love you too much…it just won’t go away”.  I have many invitations for dates…no, I’m not all that and a bag of chips.  But I do get asked out.  So I think…should I go?  Almost INSTANTLY I hear in my head, “no”.  Yuck…I don’t even want to be with anyone else.  I’m fine alone most of the time.  There are those moments that I’m not ok being alone, but that passes.  I am human after all, and with this new task of dealing with all my pent up emotions, I must realize that I am a lover by nature…I don’t always like being by myself.  I’ll survive, but I don’t like it.  But back to what I’m rambling about.  Why do I love the unreachable…and am I just being used?  I don’t think the intent is that.  I’m leaning on love and hoping that their heart is true and filled with honest motivation.  I choose to believe that.  I’m a better person when I see the good in people instead of the bad.  Granted, I have to be aware and cautious…I can’t be completely blind to others not so loving actions.  But I can choose how to react.  Frick…I keep getting off track…this is supposed to be therapeutic for me to work through what obstacles I have in front of me.  Maybe there’s more I need to deal with than just wondering why I love someone who doesn’t want to love me back.  Like maybe my choices as to how I deal and handle that.  So how do I do that.  With the fluctuation of feelings from one day to the next sometimes, it’s kinda hinky.  I can usually recognize that up and down thing, and know that it’s important to realize my thought process is under the influence of a strong emotion.  I try to always think logically, but that doesn’t work all the time.  I am a breathing, feeling, human being and with that comes a shit-storm of emotion.  And sometimes I just don’t get it.  I know that not everything will be understood, but it’s frustrating for me sometimes to not be able to “fix it”.  I tend to try to do that a lot, and it doesn’t always work.  I have to remember that I am not in control, and therefore I cannot fix everything all the time.  UGH.  Pain in my ass.

So how do I deal with loving someone who doesn’t think he can love me back.  I think that’s what’s been decided.  That love isn’t being given to me like I wanted.  At least that’s kinda what’s been mentioned.  How can one person know that their love isn’t enough for another?  Is there too much fear to love me?  Is there too big of a fear of getting hurt?  Or is there simply the lack of wanting to love me.  I don’t know.  People are different, love is sometimes different. There are some things that love DOES NOT do, but I always thought that when people loved, they showed it and wanted to show it.  Who knows.  Maybe I’m trying to control it too much.  I do know that I’m trying to not hurt.  I think I’m afraid of the heart ache that I will go through if I completely turn away.  I can compartmentalize pretty well when I have to, it’s just not always proven positive in the past.  It’s good sometimes, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, I’ve found that it’s not always the way to go.

I’ve thought about that though.  Making the choice to move on.  Right now my choice is to not move on.  But it’s soooooooo frustrating sometimes!!!!!  I have such a hard time with the grey area…I don’t do grey area well…at all.  Which is probably why I am feeling so lost right now and why I feel like I don’t know how to handle this.  This is a huge grey area for me. Then I add in my choice for how I live my life.  In the past I would have grabbed a drink, or a pill, more recently, to help me “deal”…(ha…that’s an oxymoron, deal with issues with a pill or drink???….not).  I have to remind myself on a really trying day that I don’t want to do it that way.  I like it better this way, but old habits die hard, and the bad ones even harder.  But the thought of moving on, just doesn’t seem right.  Or maybe I’m making that excuse up.  I don’t think so.  Not at this point.  I’m just not ready to give up yet. If and when that time comes, I don’t think I will feel like I’ve given up.  I think I will have accepted the reality of the situation.  Do I hope that he will want to love me again?  YES.   Will I be ABLE to wait forever, no, I don’t think so.  I like to love.  And I think that eventually I will know that if he doesn’t want to love me, that someone else will want to.  I don’t know God’s plans for my life.  I want to, and I want to hear what He has to say.  I pray everyday for His will to be in my life…and I also know that doubt and confusion is not of God.  So, in saying that, I am just reminded that I need to let go and let God handle it.  Anything is possible.  And I will keep the faith.

Peace out.  (Yea…I don’t know why I’m putting that on all my posts…must be going through a phase. )  🙂