Something has changed. I’m not quite sure what it is, but it’s something. I feel different. Kind of defeated maybe?? Or like I have no fight left in me, maybe? I think I have to give myself a break. There is a lot going on, well actually not a lot, just one big thing that I have to wait until Friday to decide how to handle. Ok, there’s two things going on, but only one is going to have an impact on my day to day living. The other, well, it’s there, as always…. This cryptic post, with no direct explanations as to what or who…but since this post in particular is for me to process…I guess it’s ok to be cryptic this time. Besides, I feel like a broken record sometimes…same ole shit, different day. I guess it’s not shit, because I am happy and I have a great life, great friends, awesome family. So, shit is the wrong word. The weird thing is, is that I feel different this time, with the same stuff. Like I said, something has changed. I need to figure it out.
On a different subject.. a good friend is going to start going to meetings with me. I’m excited. It may only be once a month, but that’s good enough. It’s always good to have that one person that I trust there to share with. For me that’s important. I’m not always good alone. I’ve accepted that, and am ok with it. I’ve learned, or rather accepted a lot of things lately that I’ve tried to deny about myself. It’s allowed a lot of contentment to settle into my life.
Still, I’m curious as to how I am going to be in the morning. I feel sooooo different. Maybe I just need to come out from under my mushroom.
Here’s a Story 
I hope this is ok…forgive me if you don’t want any correspondence tonight. But I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. And alot of times it seems the darkest moments are in the evening.
For years…I was in love with a recovering addict. He has been clean for around 20 years now. Boy, did my heart do flips when I was around him. Just to hear his voice on the phone, I would act like a giddy school girl! All the things you said in your post the other day brought back a flood of memories. I always wanted to spend all my time with him.
But he on the other hand, said he liked being alone. He said he didn’t know what true love was and had a big trust issue. I thought I would be able to show him just how much he was truly loved. I tried to do things for him that I thought he had never had before.
I didn’t care about my pride then. I wanted him like no other!
Fast forward 8 years….He still wants to be by himself.
If I have over stepped my bounds, again, I ask for your forgiveness. I just want you to know that you are loved and appreciated. I admire your courage. I think you are doing a great job moving forward.
I pray you will have peace tonight…the kind only Jesus can give. I will be praying for you through out the weekend. And with your permission…will continue to pray.
Sandra
LikeLike
Thank you Sandra. You make a lot of sense, and have insight that some don’t understand. You didn’t overstep any boundaries…this blog is public because it helps me to share and be vulnerable, and to learn how to trust. It’s comforting to know that others understand. 🙂
LikeLike