I felt beat down and completely defeated.   It’s over now, but it was frustrating.  I don’t understand how it’s ok to work and make progress, but at the same time feel like there’s nothing I can do to make any more progress.

Since 2008, I’ve been very unsettled…rolling around like a tumble weed.  Moved around, been homeless, car-less, hungry, broke, beat up…And now that’s all behind me.  I’ve come to the point where some big ole semi just hit and blew that tumbleweed into a million pieces, and one of those seeds has landed in fresh dirt.  Time to settle.  It is a bit scary, cuz I realized the other night that I am a little afraid of settling, because it may mean I will be alone.  I haven’t thought of that before.  The realization of that feeling was interesting.   I should say that for the most part, being alone is just fine with me.  I don’t like it all the time; hope that God sees fit to give me a partner to grow old with, hope that I grow old…lol…but sometimes I do get lonely, like most people.  I work through it, and move on.  And since the beginning of the year, I write about how I am feeling.  God won’t give me more than I can handle and I won’t try to create shit either.  Then every once in a while I get mad at myself for trusting and believing, only to be let down.  It’s happened more than once.  I’m afraid that I will become stagnant like I mentioned before…like some part of me is going to die inside if I’m not careful.  I don’t like that thought, or the feeling I get.  But there have been days in the last few weeks that I have felt exactly that way…like part of me is dead.  I know that those types of things are completely up to me to change, or keep alive and I want to make sure and do that.  I want to STAY ALIVE.

I want this feeling in my chest to go away too.  I don’t like it.  I feel like I am stuck…like I shouldn’t allow certain things to infiltrate my life, but because I love, I can’t seem to make it stop.  Then I think that if I just keep going like I am, I’ll forget how to love in a good, healthy way, when and if it is time to do that. Will I get used to being pushed aside?  There is no hatefulness or intentional cruelity going on, but there is the knowledge of how I feel, and the decision to not change and grow.  I still don’t understand why.  I just don’t.

This seems like an all over the place post…evidently my thoughts are that right now.  Very disjointed.

Extended Release

At this very moment I want for nothing…I look at my life and see that it is good, for the most part.  I am happy, working, etc.  Then I wonder if I’m stuck.  Or tired…I don’t have any reservations about anything…actually, now that I look at what I just wrote, I realize that I am numb…I don’t feel ANYTHING.  Granted it is about 0300 in the morning,  and my eyes feel like I have sand in them, and my dog keeps farting…sheesh….Anyway.  (Nice useless tidbit of information, eh??)  I find myself becoming jaded I think.  Or maybe I’m just continuing to change and realize that I don’t need some of the things that I thought I did.  Someone said to me one time that they had read my blog, and that it said something different than what they saw in me.  My reply was that this is a feeling filled blog…I am writing it mostly for myself, because it helps me process, life-I guess that is the easiest way to explain it.  Feelings come, go and stay.  HA!  That’s a conundrum…I’m not even sure what that means, but it sounds like it fits.  This is a way for me to establish what is real and important and what is insecurity driven and dysfunctional based.  It has also made me realize that I don’t have to settle for anything, or I can.  I can do what I want. Well, unless God decides to pull the plug on my little life adventure..then ciao!  I’m outta here.   This has been one of the most positive things I have ever done in my life. For me…Sooo, as I sit here, typing away, I have come to the conclusion, again, but on a different level, that it is my choice what I do and how I do it.  If it pisses someone off, then that’s not my intention, but I have to do what I must.  I can not sit idly by and feel stagnant like a bog filled with cat tails.  It just doesn’t work for me.  I don’t live well in warm water with low oxygen…I want something a little more alive, like, say,  Niagra Falls.   🙂

sand on the beach baby…

In the past I have listened to so many different opinions on life, love and the pursuit of happiness.  (Cliché’, yes, this I know) .  A few years ago, I decided to take all that info and make up my own mind…yes, this I know as well, is not a new dimension into life…but I got tired of trying to make everyone else happy.  You can’t make people happy anyway.  So, I decided that I was ok with my own thoughts and feelings, and thus began a journey.  One that I wasn’t expecting, to be truthful. I’ve said a lot of this before but as I continue to attempt to keep an open mind and heart, I sometimes look back and see new things in the old, and therefore sometimes I can be open in a different way.  It’s cool…This I am sure is also not something new in the scope of things, but it’s the little victories in life that add up to the big ones…I like to experience life…all of it.  Life is about change and consistency at the same time…

So I find myself sitting here at 0300 realizing that I have and am a completey different person than I always thought I would be.  I don’t want to say that I am worse, because I don’t think I am.  I think I am doing my best to be the person God wants me to be…I’m just not exactly sure who that person is.  Years ago, I thought I had figured out what my purpose, or “job” was…and maybe at that time, I was right.  Now I feel it is something else…or maybe it’s just an extension of what I originally thought.  I do feel like each one of us has a purpose, job, task, whatever you want to call it.  Finding that purpose is difficult sometimes.  I often wonder if and when I get old, if I’m going to realize that my purpose was simply in my life and how I lived it. So, with that in mind, especially these last few years, it’s been so important for me to be a survivor, and not a victim.  People will always judge and point fingers…and for the most part I haven’t given two shits about what people think about me.  That is still generally true, except that I want to be good…I want to do my best.  Fortunately I have that strong faith to see me through…even when I stray or fall.  I know that I know that I know that God is there.

“I’m changing…Like the way the ocean changes the particles of sand, slowly, each time the waves come in. Quietly, gently moving, rearranging so that everything fits right into place, like it was always meant to be that way. It’s wonderful and terribly heart breaking at the same time. But like that force that creates the perfect alignment of every particle, every piece in it’s exact place…I have equally less power to stop it. It is as should be.”

It’s becoming easier…

It’s beginning to get easier to replant those negative causing feelings that pop up when I least expect it.  Just tonight I had old hurts nuzzle their way up through the depths to try to rack me.  I was surprised that I didn’t react as much.  Maybe surprised is the wrong word.  I am changing.  I didn’t feel as fucked up as I once would have.  It’s in its place now, and I see that.  I use these “words” “fucked up”, to make a point.  I am not “fucked” up…I am the queen of over analyzing EVERYTHING.  I have made numerous mistakes in life, but I feel good about the direction I’m heading.  I guess I kind of scared myself because I don’t want to become unfeeling, but I don’t want to overreact either.  It’s nuthin but a thang…I don’t know why I keep saying that.  Ugh.

It’s hard for me to find the grey area, because for me it’s boring.  I just realized that.  I don’t like “blah”.  I want to EXPERIENCE life, and cabbage on to every single feeling…it makes me feel alive.  I am not the kind of person to become complacent with mediocrity.  For me…what I think is mediocrity.  Since each one of us is a different creature, what is right for one, may not be right for another.  That’s cool.  I just don’t function well without that mental and emotional stimulation that actually embracing life can bring.  I have to feeeeeeel it.  LOL…It makes me who I am and makes life something to enjoy.  That’s one of the reasons we are here.  I firmly believe that God gave us all of these “things” so we could enjoy all that He has to offer us.   What is important for me is to find the balance with how to react.  That balance has been, in the past, hard for me to find sometimes.  I think I’ve done pretty good at it in the last few years, considering.  I’m still learning, searching, and enjoying the life that I have been given.  Balance is kept.  I’ll never be “cured”.  And you know, I’m not sure I would want to be “cured”…I’m thinkin that would be boring, and that would be the point when I quit trying to love and be loved.  That will be when I die…on more than one level.  I’m not ready for that yet….hoping God sees fit to fulfill the desires of my heart first….

We shall see.

Clarity through the clouds….

I had a very close person mention their thoughts on my thoughts… which is cool, because it made me look inside, and I wanted to write more about “me”   ;-).

I write and express my feelings because it is a way for me to process them, and hopefully not react in a way that is destructive.   When I experience heart break, ache, loss…etc…I sometimes become insecure, or maybe it’s that I feel too much…I’m not sure how to describe it.  I just know how I feel.  One of the things that is important for me to do is understand each and every feeling that I go through.  If I understand them, and realize where they come from, then I can put them in their place, and look at the situation logically, so as not to react like a complete idiot…which I have done numerous times in my life.   There are days where I feel completely lost and inept.  But I also know on those days, that those feelings will pass and I will be able to compartmentalize the “fleeting” feelings, stemming from the fear of pain, from the feelings that are true and long lasting.  I’ve said before that love is a choice more so than a feeling.  Yes…there is that fun mushy gushy feeling of love, but that comes and goes.  Choosing to love is something different, a verb, action…I express almost all of what I am feeling, at the moment, and from the past.  It makes it possible for me to understand that I am human, I am VERY emotional, and I simply have to understand the “why” of what I do.

Long story short…yes, there are some days when I feel all discombobulated (yes, that is a word).  But that’s ok…I analyze how I’m feeling, decide where it goes and what is causing it, and then let it go.  Heart break can do a lot for some people…for me I have to be able to find something positive, and make something good out of something bad.  It is ok for me to feel all of the different things that life brings to me, but it is not ok for me to be dysfunctional because of how I am feeling.

I am a work in progress…I have made mistakes.  But have no doubt that I want to live, love and be happy.  That can only found from within myself and help from the Man Upstairs.  I want to share and “be”.   Find that balance…but what I believe is finding that balance, is a constant progression that can’t be taken for granted.  Balance is kept, not achieved and finished, in my opinion.  I can’t expect perfection out of myself, because I am not perfect.  It can be expected from me that I will do my best and try my hardest to show those that have measure in my life, how much they mean to me.

If I say I love you, I mean it.  And I will do my best to make sure you know that everyday.

I have also said that I am in recovery.   I feel like I am recovering from not only chemical dependency, but emotional dysfunction as well.  I do NOT want to replace one addiction with another.  Which is sometimes easy to do.  This process of me “feeling” all these feelings, and analyzing them, helps me to hopefully be healthy.  I feel healthier…not only because I am not putting trash into my body, but because I am putting healthy things into my mind and heart.  Some of my posts will be fueled by feelings and moments that cause those feelings.  Which for me is good to accept because like I mentioned before…I can look back at them, or at them at that moment and step aside and realize what it is stemming from….am I pissed off at someone?  Do I feel anxious?  Scared?  See for me it’s a continuous journey into what life has to offer.  I just have to keep my feet on the ground and ask God to guide me in the right choices.