where in the heck…

Wow…so I haven’t written in a while.  Been working my butt off.  I had been unemployed for a few months, held out and prayed and God answered.  I have a great job, great benefits, and an opportunity for advancement and tuition assistance to finish my degree.

But that hasn’t negated the fact that I am, on some days an emotional wreck.  I feel as though I am like a frozen pond…crystal clear and cement like on top, but murky, clouded and dark underneath.  I don’t feel this way everyday, and unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it….as time goes by I am losing that loving feeling.  Either that or I am putting it away, so I can be healthy and be open to what is in store for me.  I don’t know what that is, but I know it’s something.

I have said before that my life ebbs and flows like the ocean tide.  I don’t know if this is some kind of test or course to form my strength of will and endurance, or if it’s nuthin but a thang. 🙂  There are some days that I feel so much love and compassion that I think I’m going to burst.  And there are some days when I wonder how I can continue to love the unreachable.  I find myself not seeking those directional colors that have in the past only proven to be darkening to my soul.  It’s weird. Well, not weird, but it seems healthy, even though it hurts soooooo bad some days.  This is what I put on facebook the other day…”It’s interesting how this feeling of contentment intermingles and conjugates with waves of heartache and longing. It’s funny how the soul chooses to heal itself, if allowed to freely process and feel without the hindrance of dysfunction. The end result is like a perfect spring or fall day, quietly smelling the air, and listening to the hoofbeats and breaths of your horse…when no one else is around. Satisfaction.”   Sometimes I wonder where this shit comes from….lol….it’s like there are moments when I’m writing something and I’m not exactly sure where it orginates from, but I go with it anyway.  Sometimes I wish weed was legal…(yes, I used to smoke pot…feel free to judge me when you are without error) because I REALLY had a walkabout with no boundaries.  I could REALLY write…LOL…Aaaaah…my chemical romance days gone by….Anywho…somehow the other day that statement seemed to fit perfectly with how I felt and still feel.  I am a horse lover…been riding, training, living, breathing equine since before I could walk.  There is definitely something spiritual about being with a horse and the communication that happens between human and animal. I am a firm believer that God put creatures on this earth to benefit us in some way if we let it.  And in a positive way, if we look.  In analyzing my heart pains, I remembered the smell, sights, sounds, motions and feelings of being alone with my horse.  It is really something else.  Some people may experience that type of thing with other animals, or with whatever they have managed to find that brings them into the level of consciousness where new insight occurs.  For me it’s always been with a horse.  Don’t get me wrong…I am an all around animal lover…but the horse…yea, they are the shizz.

Back from the horse tangent.  And leaving the highlighting product in my hair too long.  UGH.

So, I’m trying, or I should say, continuing to process this concoction of emotional cocktail that I have.  It seems to ALWAYS be there.  Whether I’m thinking about it on purpose, or whether it pops into my head from somewhere in the depths of my brain…it’s always freakin there.  Some days I get so sick and tired of even having emotion, that I want to scream.  In the old days I’d just get messed up on some type of booze or pill.  I think my only saving grace has been work.  It’s a good distraction.  But now that I am settling into a routine there, I have more time, again, to think.  And generally I think too much.  I am coming to the conclusion though that it’s becoming easier.  Easier in what context, I am unsure.  Yesterday or today I wondered if I was becoming jaded.  If putting up with, and processing all this love and hurt is making me in some way withdraw, and not want to be open to love again.  I would like to say no, I’m not becoming jaded, but I am not sure.  I feel like I need to do something, but I don’t know what that something is.  I can’t make him love me, but damnit…sometimes I want companionship.  I want to hug and kiss and take care and show love. I’m not out looking for it, because that’s just weird, but I want it. I don’t understand the control that some people have over their emotions and if that control is caused from being hurt from the past, or if it’s just lack of the need to share with another human being on a very intimate level.  I may not ever understand it. I may quit giving a shit too. I hope I don’t, but who knows.

It has been somewhat refreshing to not cry as much as I have in the past.  I clearly understand that it has been simply because I have been focused on work.  Which, of course, leads me to think that I focused too much on the love and relationship itself.  I don’t have that answer at this point.  I would like to think that a person can’t be too loving, but I wonder sometimes.  I think it CAN become overbearing in that some people use “love” to control another.  Maybe that’s what I was doing…if I was, then I’m sorry…that was never my intention. (Not that you will read this…lol..at least the universe hears it…cue Twilight Zone theme song).

As I am sitting here writing this long overdue blog, I realize, again, that “we” are simple and complicated creatures all bundled into a mass of living organisms, working together to exist.  To simply say conclusively that I will not love again, or I “choose” to “get my shit together” because of one reason or another, is ironically ridiculous and believable at the same time.

Which basically means I haven’t figured it out yet.  🙂

2 thoughts on “where in the heck…

  1. Sandra Brown says:

    Good to see you back writing again! I commend you for all the effort and hard work that you have been doing! I know it’s not easy. Stick in there!

    I also agree about horses. After my 24 yr old son passed away with cancer, I bought a horse and began riding, it was my therapy! Yes there is, a beautiful relationship between a woman and her horse. And I might add…Nothing can beat the smell of a horse!! LOL


    • A Walk-about says:

      You are so right…nothing can beat the smell of a horse, and the barn and alfalfa, I might add…

      So heartbroken realize your loss and take it to heart. cyber hugs…(((Sandra)))


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