I felt beat down and completely defeated.   It’s over now, but it was frustrating.  I don’t understand how it’s ok to work and make progress, but at the same time feel like there’s nothing I can do to make any more progress.

Since 2008, I’ve been very unsettled…rolling around like a tumble weed.  Moved around, been homeless, car-less, hungry, broke, beat up…And now that’s all behind me.  I’ve come to the point where some big ole semi just hit and blew that tumbleweed into a million pieces, and one of those seeds has landed in fresh dirt.  Time to settle.  It is a bit scary, cuz I realized the other night that I am a little afraid of settling, because it may mean I will be alone.  I haven’t thought of that before.  The realization of that feeling was interesting.   I should say that for the most part, being alone is just fine with me.  I don’t like it all the time; hope that God sees fit to give me a partner to grow old with, hope that I grow old…lol…but sometimes I do get lonely, like most people.  I work through it, and move on.  And since the beginning of the year, I write about how I am feeling.  God won’t give me more than I can handle and I won’t try to create shit either.  Then every once in a while I get mad at myself for trusting and believing, only to be let down.  It’s happened more than once.  I’m afraid that I will become stagnant like I mentioned before…like some part of me is going to die inside if I’m not careful.  I don’t like that thought, or the feeling I get.  But there have been days in the last few weeks that I have felt exactly that way…like part of me is dead.  I know that those types of things are completely up to me to change, or keep alive and I want to make sure and do that.  I want to STAY ALIVE.

I want this feeling in my chest to go away too.  I don’t like it.  I feel like I am stuck…like I shouldn’t allow certain things to infiltrate my life, but because I love, I can’t seem to make it stop.  Then I think that if I just keep going like I am, I’ll forget how to love in a good, healthy way, when and if it is time to do that. Will I get used to being pushed aside?  There is no hatefulness or intentional cruelity going on, but there is the knowledge of how I feel, and the decision to not change and grow.  I still don’t understand why.  I just don’t.

This seems like an all over the place post…evidently my thoughts are that right now.  Very disjointed.

4 thoughts on “Waiting…

  1. kansamuse says:

    Change is so hard for all of us. Life is very hard for a lot of people now. You have the economy issues and social issues. When one is struggling still you can easily reflect on your past of homeless, car-less, hungry, broke, beat up and you do not want to go back that path but the your are scared of slipping back. Take one day at a time and love the little things in life. I really think it is the devils way of trying to get us back to the thinks we do to reduce pain and suffering in life.


  2. Sandra Brown says:

    Don’t give up, hang in there! God is indeed in control of all things. I too am lonely for companionship. Know that you are in my prayers.



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