Monthly Archives: July 2013

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I have felt disjointed a little lately…not to

I have felt disjointed a little lately…not to the point of doing anything stupid…but really working on not letting my emotions rule the roost.  I haven’t always been successful at that venture, but I’m trying.  It’s soooooo hard for me to be in that middle ground of unresolved issues, and not understanding why things happen.  I feel like I’m expected to just take it, and not ask questions.  I could do that if it was just a random person…but when the person is so close to my heart, it’s a hard pill to swallow.  I’ve come to the point where I can barely even look at the person without just wanting to cry.  Being healthy is a hodgepodge of choices, decisions, actions etc.  It’s easy for someone to say, “just get over it and move on…leave me alone…” but when you just don’t want to give up on someone, it’s hard to do.

There’s more than one way and program to stay sober too.  For me there’s that fine line.  I want to stay sober, but I also want to be healthy…for me being healthy means being open, communicating, trying to correct wrongs, acknowledging…a host of different things.  It’s not just doing one thing.  If talk therapy and spirituality works for one person, then cool…if going to meetings and religiously seeing a sponsor works, then that’s cool too.  No one person has the right to say that a certain path is wrong.  What we do have the right to is setting boundaries and not allowing someone to bring us down, just because they don’t like the way we are living.  If it doesn’t affect me, then no harm, no foul.  But if it does, then I have an obligation to myself to try to stop it.  It’s in the way that I stop it that I sometimes fail miserably.  I believe my actions will affect and cause others to react.  That is a given, and I try to be considerate, or at least think about how my actions could affect another, but there again, I fail a lot of the times. One thing I don’t do is hold things in… LOL…Also one thing I haven’t mastered is readily accepting when someone doesn’t want to hear it.  I mistakenly assume that because they say they “love” me, then they want to talk or work it out as much as I do.  I am wrong. What I need to decide is—because the levels of communication choices are different; do I want to continue to have things unsaid and undone.  Or do I just say it. I try to respect others…it’s just that with affairs of the heart…it’s hard to think logically all the time.

Sometimes I think that people expect perfection out of someone who says “ I quit drinking, or I quit doing drugs”.  I really try to not be like that, but I do expect a certain level of openness, and I guess that is wrong as well.  Not allowing myself to get emotionally attached to someone who cannot reciprocate is something that I am working on stopping at the present.  People don’t always follow through with what they say, and I am notorious for believing others, and when it doesn’t happen, I get horribly let down.  I have to find that fine line, AGAIN, with allowing myself to believe, and not.  The problem with not believing is that it makes me jaded and grumpy.  I don’t like to be that way and neither do the people around me. I want to keep the faith in humanity…I don’t want to give up yet.

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Gorilla Glue can fix it, and duct tape…


bob marleyI have felt disjointed a little lately…not to the point of doing anything stupid…but really working on not letting my emotions rule the roost.  I haven’t always been successful at that venture, but I’m trying.  It’s soooooo hard for me to be in that middle ground of unresolved issues, and not understanding why things happen.  I feel like I’m expected to just take it, and not ask questions.  I could do that if it was just a random person…but when the person is so close to my heart, it’s a hard pill to swallow.  I’ve come to the point where I can barely even look at the person without just wanting to cry.  Being healthy is a hodgepodge of choices, decisions, actions etc.  It’s easy for someone to say, “just get over it and move on…leave me alone…” but when you just don’t want to give up on someone, it’s hard to do.

There’s more than one way and program to stay sober too.  For me there’s that fine line.  I want to stay sober, but I also want to be healthy…for me being healthy means being open, communicating, trying to correct wrongs, acknowledging…a host of different things.  It’s not just doing one thing.  If talk therapy and spirituality works for one person, then cool…if going to meetings and religiously seeing a sponsor works, then that’s cool too.  No one person has the right to say that a certain path is wrong.  What we do have the right to is setting boundaries and not allowing someone to bring us down, just because they don’t like the way we are living.  If it doesn’t affect me, then no harm, no foul.  But if it does, then I have an obligation to myself to try to stop it.  It’s in the way that I stop it that I sometimes fail miserably.  I believe my actions will affect and cause others to react.  That is a given, and I try to be considerate, or at least think about how my actions could affect another, but there again, I fail a lot of the times. One thing I don’t do is hold things in… LOL…Also one thing I haven’t mastered is readily accepting when someone doesn’t want to hear it.  I mistakenly assume that because they say they “love” me, then they want to talk or work it out as much as I do.  I am wrong. What I need to decide is—because the levels of communication choices are different; do I want to continue to have things unsaid and undone.  Or do I just say it. I try to respect others…it’s just that with affairs of the heart…it’s hard to think logically all the time.

Sometimes I think that people expect perfection out of someone who says “ I quit drinking, or I quit doing drugs”.  I really try to not be like that, but I do expect a certain level of openness, and I guess that is wrong as well.  Not allowing myself to get emotionally attached to someone who cannot reciprocate is something that I am working on stopping at the present.  People don’t always follow through with what they say, and I am notorious for believing others, and when it doesn’t happen, I get horribly let down.  I have to find that fine line, AGAIN, with allowing myself to believe, and not.  The problem with not believing is that it makes me jaded and grumpy.  I don’t like to be that way and neither do the people around me. I want to keep the faith in humanity…I don’t want to give up yet.

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It was the trees fault.

This year was the first 4th of July that I did not drink alcohol.  It was good…went and visited with friends, watched a lot of fireworks with the soothing sound of crickets in the background…it was nice. I was remembering spending Independence Day in DC metro, where I was born.  Boy do they know how to blow some shit up!!  I miss the history there sometimes…there’s just a tad bit more there than here in the middle of the country.

Yesterday, while pondering life, and when I was going to get my nails done, I got a flashback from my car wreck last year…I have never had one from that incident, and what I was feeling/remembering…I had never experienced before.  Obviously. It kinda freaked me out.  I have had flashbacks from the home invasion, but nothing related to my wreck to date, until then. I’ll have to talk to my doctor about it, or at least be prepared.  Evidently my mind is just now ready to remember some things that I was unaware of.  It’s exhausting and I’m glad I had my furkids here with me…now I know why my little one was acting the way he was. I swear he knows. People think I’m crazy when I talk about my pets like this, but I wouldn’t have made it out alive thus far, without them.

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I am not what you think.

So, this post is going to be a little random, as I’ve been posting thoughts on facebook, but not finishing them…Today….

We all care about what others think, on some level. Some show it more than others, and some hide their feelings. But if you really are interested in another, you will pay attention to those little idiosyncrasies…sometimes they can be a cry for help, acknowledgment, or just a little love. And you know what, its ok to give it, in a healthy way. If they push you away…at least you tried….I say this because I’m famous for trying to make people accept something they do not want. I think love can fix everything, but it can’t. And in the end I get frustrated, when I should have just left it up to God, He would have saved me the worry/heartache…even tho I’ve screwed up again, He still welcomes me back with Grace and forgiveness.

I find it so frustrating sometimes because I was told that I come across as bitchy and mean.  But I am NOT trying to be that way.  If they really knew me, and had tried to get to know me, then I don’t think that would be the case.  No one else seems to think that.   I believe the motivation behind actions is important…and I try to be a good person, and my motivation is never to hurt or be mean.  Maybe it’s because it’s easier to be defensive and take on that thought process, than to maybe hear what the other person is saying. Even when I tried to be super nice, and walk on eggshells, I still got shot down…there was no intimacy, no communication…nothing. And if I listen to him, what he is saying to me, then I am believing his opinion of me…which is that I am a bad person…but I know that I am not what he says, so I don’t agree.  I know in the past, I have gotten defensive when I know what the person is saying to me, is right.  I just didn’t want to hear it.  I wanted it to be my idea.

I don’t know, it really doesn’t matter, cuz no one can be forced to do anything.  It’s just sad, and it hurts.  I could talk till I was blue in the face, and he wouldn’t believe me. And the more I “analyze”, as he says, the more defensive he got.  I guess it really doesn’t matter, it’s been over since April.  Love just doesn’t go away.  But it also can’t be nurtured without two people wanting it.  Such is life.

Anywho…I copied a couple posts I had on fb, into this post.

30 May 2013

It’s interesting how this feeling of contentment intermingles and conjugates with waves of heartache and longing. It’s funny how the soul chooses to heal itself, if allowed to freely process and feel without the hindrance of dysfunction. The end result is like a perfect spring or fall day, quietly smelling the air, and listening to the hoofbeats and breaths of your horse…when no one else is around. Satisfaction.

18 June 2013…

I’m sitting at work, doing my thing which requires me to pretty much not talk, and focus. (no, keeping my mouth shut isn’t that difficult, ALL of the time..lol). And I’m suddenly and completely paralyzed with fear…along with a full out panic attack. It’s a good thing I was sitting because I might have done so involuntarily….anyway being that I don’t take any benzos, or opiates anymore, the only thing i could do was pray, and pray hard. So I did for like 30 minutes. I just prayed…i prayed for forgiveness for the totally screwed up decisions that I have made in the last few years…and you know what happened…peace, calmness, contentment…and forgiveness..from my screw ups. This is different than before, because before i would just buy some booz and pop a couple pills.
Thank God for grace.