Today I feel as though I am drowning or sinking. The new medications take time, if they are going to work. The one that I felt was working, chemical balancing wise, I was allergic to, and couldn’t take. Figures. My hands and feet, knees and hips are sore. And I am retaining ginormous amounts of water….which is showing up on the scale. When I wake in the morning I am swollen…you can’t even see any bones in my ankles or feet. I’m dealing with another bout of agoraphobia…I feel safer going out after dark. I am so sick and tired of this roller coaster ride of shit stained emotions. Sometimes I wonder why I just can’t have a normal life…not a normal few months, but a normal life…life that is not riddled with fear and tears. A life that is not imprinted with bad relationships, a life not feeling so alone sometimes. Not only being alone…yea…I’m alone, but seriously alone. I have no one to lean on and if, IF I do, I feel as though I am a burden. Or like they are going to look at me like I’m crazy. I’m not crazy, I promise. But it’s hard for others to understand that sometimes. At least I think it is. Who knows.
I’m very thankful intermixed with all this sinking feeling. I know I have those that love me, and those that support me. It’s just hard some days. And today is one of those days.