Doer of the Prayers

I was reading some facebook posts that I had posted, and one said something like know your enemy, and know which battles to fight, and which to walk away from.  (That was paraphrased, but you get the gist.)   I have had some interaction with some people through out life and one thing I have noticed is that fear, anger, hurt; all keep people from looking outside the box.  I have done that myself….and thankfully for the grace of God, I wasn’t turned away when I finally pulled my head ouf of my ass and listened.  One of these people has become one of my best friends.  If I had listened to what others had said, we wouldn’t be friends.  Luckily this person has a genuine heart and “took me back” after I had been a stupid dumbass.

Judgement isn’t meant for me to do.  Ignoring someone who is genuinely trying to just say a prayer…isn’t the issue.  That issue is between that person and God.  I pray for some people that I would, instead, rather poke a stick in their eye…. but keep doing it.  God knows my heart already, so he knows I am doing it because He has told me to, not because it’s going to make whomever I pray for a better person.  I know that sounds selfish, but the “doing of the prayers” isn’t up to me, so I’ll leave that to the Boss. What’s up to me is to do what I’m told.  Even when it pisses me off.  And let me tell you, it does sometimes.  My prayers are occasionally loud and angry, but God knows what I mean.  I’m not mad at God, and He knows that….and He is patient enough to let me vent….after all, He made me, so He knows how I feel.

happy, tired, happy, tired, blah blah, pain

Wow, I haven’t written for a while.  So much going on.  Where to start.  I’ll have to think about these last few months, and how my life has actually calmed down (emotionally…baaahahaaaa). My job in the town I used to live in ended when they couldn’t accommodate me after my doctor released me to go back to work.  So within a matter of days, I had a new job, a new place to live, and was up and moved within two weeks.  I have seemed to be able to find that quietness in my soul.  I’m still broke..meh…but money isn’t everything.  I pay my rent, and have food to eat and a car to drive, and my fur therapists that keep me sane….or whatever the definition of sane is. I only have a few flashbacks and panic attacks now, but find that I am still isolating…only going out at night.  (I work third shift again, so that is going to be a work in progress to see how it affects me.)  My GI has been giving me fits for the last couple of months.  I had an EGD last Friday and get the all wonderful butt probe in December.  In the mean time I am on a host of medications to help with pain, colon “management”  (which aren’t helping, imagine that) and the normal stuff.  Doc said that he saw an over abundance of bile in my stomach and biopsied a couple of polyps he found along with testing for h pylori.  He said he didn’t think they were an issue, but took tissue samples anyway.

I miss being close to my kids.  I’d like to find a job (closer to my kids), and finish school (which I AM GOING TO DO, even if it takes me until I’m a hundred).  I’m tired with this medical issue that has either created new within itself, or has become active again. And recently I have no appetite, which I’m not so upset about…haha…since I need to lose weight.  But it tires me, working nights, and being sick.  I have a low grade fever that presents itself at random inopportune times. Doctor said I am not supposed to work with a fever, but I cannot afford to not work.  I have had a good few months, and then it’s seemed to spiral down.  It’s making me nuttier.  It’s different though, it hurts to do EVERYTHING. I have to spend an hour psyching myself into taking a piss because it hurts to move;  move my muscles, joints.  MY FUCKING HAIR HURTS….judas tits…I sound like a comedy show.

Aaah, news update…my doctor now wants me to see a GI specialist to check for lupus, crohns, ulcerative colitis and some other shit I don’t remember.  And he wants it moved to a date of RIGHT NOW. Within the last couple of weeks I simply cannot move without pain, literally, it hurts to touch my skin, blink, move my eyeballs. It’s flipping ridiculous, and I have missed work, again.  Gawwwwwwd.  What is going on with me.

I hate it that I only seem to blog when I have something going on in my life that seems to be negative.  I do have good things…my friends, my kids.  Some frequent trips home.  My awesome furbabies.  When I go home I get to see the kids, cook and eat and spend time with friends.  My life is all in all good.  My body just doesn’t seem to be cooperating.

One of these days I’m going to blog about my horse, and finding a diagnosis to this.  Last night I was taking the dogs outside and it was so quiet, right before dawn, and I heard the coyotes yipping and talking to each other.  The other night I was doing the same, and the moon was simply mezmorizing…I just stood there in the wee hours staring at it.  The smell of the clean crisp air,  well, clean crisp until I got a whiff of the freshly dropped pile of dog shit that wafted into my face.

Could it get any better.