So, today I have another blistering headache.  Well, not as blistering as the one yesterday, so that’s good.  My phone got shut off, and lost.  In that order.  So I have my old phone, but no money to pay for it.  I can’t work nights anymore, which I already knew, so I have to go talk to the administrator tomorrow at two to see what she has to say.  I’m a little concerned about that, given that I have to give her a copy of my psych records.  Not real proud of that, and I really don’t want anyone other than my shrink to see it, but not sure what I can do about that.

Was thinking about my hospital stay and how fun that was.  The first night all I did was cry.  I didn’t talk to anyone, just layed in my bed and cried.  The second night was a little better, but I snuck my laptop and kindle into my room, and I had my phone, so I was in touch with people.  Which helped a lot.  Oh, and I got to use my own bathroom.  Big deal I guess.  Evidently someone has tried suicide by toilet drowning.  I don’t like feeling like I’m confined or in jail, and that was kinda what it felt like.

Anyway…watching Californication right now, before they shut my internet off.

It’s Sunday.

So I’m supposed to journal every day.  So here I go for today.

I woke up at 2-ish am with a blistering headache.  I’m assuming this is caused from the new medication.  Which, well fuck, I don’t know what. I stayed up all day, couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore, at around 1900, yes, that’s seven pm.  I guess I’m officially getting old.

I’m exhausted. I’m angry, frustrated, sad, hopeless, depressed.



” She was beaten and raped.  She tried to get away, but because she was in a relationship with him, it was hard to do.  She finally got away, only to find that he was following her, stalking her.  He would jump her privacy fence and try to get into the back patio door.  She would call the police, and tell him to leave her alone.  But it didn’t work.  He would hide in the woods at a friends house, and when she went to visit, he would drive out and block her vehicle, even jumping on it, hanging on.  He would chase her down the highway, passing vehicles, trying to catch her.  She would call the police again, and again, just in time…he would disappear.  He would use the internet to try to get to her.  He would park on dirt roads, and watch the house she was taking care of.  And he finally broke into that house, after watching it for hours, and walked into the bedroom where she was in bed.”

” Since then her life has been lost.  She has lost everything.  She fights with flashbacks, anxiety attacks, fear that dominates her life at times.  She cries, and can’t seem to function like everyone else.  She doesn’t know what to do.  What does she do?  She can’t sleep, eat, not eat, think.  She loses time, not knowing what has happened. And now again, feels as though she’s going to lose again. There seems to be no end to the torment that lies dormant and then rages inside her heart and her mind.  What does she do?  She wishes someone would be able to help her.  Wishes with all her heart. She has a good heart, a loving heart, she knows that.  But what happened to her life? “. ©2015


M4011M-1409So here’s a short no nothing blog.  My initial meeting with the NP went ok…I say the same things to different people, for the most part.  She added another pill to my regime, which has a shitload of side affects…let’s hope I don’t get any.

I need help.  I know this. But at this very moment I’m having an anxiety attack worrying about everything. I don’t know what I’m going to do.