You left me here by myself. You took your last breath without saying goodbye. Why did you do that? I want to be angry with you, but I can’t. I want to scream at you to stop, but I can’t. I want to go back six years and before it was too late. I want to undo all the wrongs in your life and make it better for you. Maybe that would help, if I could turn back the world to a place that is filled with love for you, instead of pain and loss. Reset; why can’t I reset things. I want to go back to when we laughed so hard, we almost pee’d our pants, when closing time wasn’t really closing time, and we both still had our facilities about us. When we were young and stupid, but fun. When we laid in the sun and drank beer and laughed at stupid shit. What was that stupid shit anyway? It didn’t seem important at the time, but now I claw and try to reach back to bring those to the present. It’s not working. It’s not working! IT’S NOT WORKING!!!! I watched you slowly slip away from me, and it hurt. I got mad, I told you to fuck off one time…you hated that word, and I knew it. You always supported me though. In your way, you did, and I knew and appreciated that. I was so angry at that stupid ass fucking disease these last few years, and I didn’t know how to handle that…I didn’t know what to do to make it better. So I withdrew. Like I always do. Maybe that is why you left without saying goodbye, because I wasn’t there anyway. I wasn’t sure when we talked, if you would remember things. I told you I would come take care of you, but you were too stubborn to let me. I know that’s why, you are one of the most stubborn people I know. It was a good stubborn though. (Like I have room to talk.)
An evocative post about, I think, the pain a loved one’s addiction or alcoholism causes especially as it ends in death. I am an addict in recovery, 11 years clean at the beginning of this year and I know far too many addicts who have died through this illness or through suicide connected to this illness. Yet although this illness is fatal and causes so much premature death only a minority get clean and stay clean most addicts just drink or use to an early grave. After a lot of therapy and clean time all my mental health problems and addictions are in recovery and I am happier and more peaceful than I have ever been. I have never relapsed since I came into recovery at the beginning of 2005 which is amazing as I only went into rehab to get a couple of months off my using. That rehab changed my life. But it is so frustrating when I see others who don’t even try to get recovery although they are destroying themselves and those around them.
So very proud of you and your recovery. 🙂 Life is definitely not easy and to keep your head up and work through that, is something to keep very close to your heart. Thank you for sharing…