A Splatter…

Don’t you want me?

I said no.

It’s ok honey, sshhh, please? Hands close over my wrist, weight presses against my hips.

I said no.

Trying to extricate my body from underneath this weight, I start seeing white, my ears ringing, my eyes staring straight.

I said no.

What is happening to me? I don’t understand-yet. Strange noises envelop my ears, as I fight to stop this threat.

I said no.

My mind spinning when reality sets in, with hands, with legs, with pain. The present of my life begins to stop. It becomes the stranger now, unknown terrain.

I said no.

But it didn’t matter, he took what he wanted with no regard, my heart was now a shatter.

A splatter, no matter.

I said no.

I need coffee.

Coffee. And if I am being honest, I really need a dedicated writing space…sitting here on my couch with my feet on the “coffee” table is ok for now, but knowing me, I’ll get antsy, and move to the bed.. lol…. Anyway, not that that is a big deal, whatever works, right? Oh, and the coffee is DECAFFEINATED. WTF is wrong with me…

Continuing on with the therapy mode of this blog…recently I’ve been struggling.. flashbacks, anxiety, little sleep…I guess I don’t sleep more than four hours a night anyway, but yea. I’m sure within this blog, there’s another blog about this same thing. Yes, I have a pill for anxiety, but I don’t like taking it because it knocks me out. I want to be present with this life, my life. If I live to be 90, I’ve already lived half of my life… and to some, I have nothing to show for it. To some… lets get into that. I have felt, for the majority of my adult life, that I have not been good enough, that I have failed, that I have made wrong decisions (which I have learned that I have). But… this feeling of being judged, of guilt, of shame. When is enough enough? How do I get past this? I felt like I was never doing good enough… blah blah. I’m sure my shrink will have an answer for me, after she digs it out of my own head. It goes back to this thing or that thing that happened during this or that time of my life. The only thing I’m good at now is putting up walls.

I’ve written some about my mother. Just to clarify, right now, I do not dislike or hate my mother. I love her as a human being, and as a person who is flawed like the rest of us. There are some things that I have come to the realization of, where she is concerned, and that is ok, it’s my progression and way of processing. This memoir is mine, and is in no way meant to put pad vibes or negative juju on her, or anyone for that matter. I say, and tell people, that if you don’t like what you read, then just move on. Easy peasy.

I’ve recently, joined Twitter. Well, I joined back in March, but didn’t really do anything until recently. Flakebook is irritating, so I deactivated for the time being. I want to finish the book I’ve been writing, for what seems to be a zillion years, and needed some support, I guess. There is a great community of writers there. :-).

Right now I feel scared, about what I’m not sure. This time of year can be a bumpy ride sometimes. I look at the D.O.G. who has saved me so many times, snoring on the other end of the couch, and wish I could just sleep like she does. She’s been washed for many years, of PA work, due to being attacked by another dog, and just plain being too stressed to work in the public anymore, but she still very much tasks for me at home. She alerts to things before I know what’s going on, and I am, on the daily, still amazed by what she “knows”. So what if she can’t do PA work anymore… I can’t function most of the time in public, so I have to understand that she is a living, breathing, feeling, soul… one who has flaws just like I do.

Just don’t try to break into my house… 🙂

Edit: He wasn’t MY person….Almost one year later. I think my last post was middle of November, 2017…

I’ve been re-reading my blogs during my therapy sessions this past few years, trying to find some sort of pattern or correspondence with ANY FUCKING THING, so I can bring some semblance back to my life. Or the kind of life that made me happy.  Anyway, I realized that I hadn’t blogged in almost a year and that kind of freaked me out  considering everything that has been going on.  Well, not with a bunch of people, just with me. So, yea there’s that.. just me. Which in the big picture is just very small, so you deal with it quiet and with close professionals, and trusted medical advisors and find that you are slowly making a snails pace progress.  But hey! Dude… that’s progress.  I’ll take it. Progress comes with ups and downs though, as anyone who’s made any progress knows that.  So there have been many of those cool roller coaster rides this past summer.  But we did have a strong retrograde and now coming out of another, I believe it can affect us in one way or another.  Just my opinion.

But anyway, in my rambling way of trying to get all my thoughts out too quick, i’m going to just type and then probably go back and re-edit when I feel like it.  What ever… this is a story…from feelings, hearts, and brain decisions…it’s going t fluxuate all over.  So just roll with it…

I have found the person I was meant to find in my life.  No, for real.  Like all that fairy ass bullshit.  Yea, I’ve found him.  But let me tell you this one thing… ok… it may turn into a few extra things…but whatever… just listen…….hold on the burrito is done….

PS… There was no fairytale shit… it all went to shit.  

Good while it lasted though.. so meh