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I have shared in my previous posts that I started an online business at the beginning of 2022.
What a ride it has been. I have learned so much about digital marketing, social media marketing, making content, and I continue to learn new things everyday!
I made a video and posted it to Facebook reels, showcasing a flashlight that I own, and shared a link for others to purchase. (It’s a great flashlight, I’ll include the video here)…
Anyway, my reel has gotten over 40,000 views. Crazy right?
But I’m missing something. I missing YOU.
So this post is just to ask for you to subscribe to my blog, and socials. I’ve included my mail poet subscription form below. Thank you for your support. It really does mean everything to me as I build this business and get myself out of poverty. You can search my archives for more personal posts, and why I decided to do this. Also here’s my facebook page.
So I was reading a blog tonight, and noticed a comment left on one of my posts that I never answered, so I answered it tonight. And I realized that when I thought about what I was going to say, that I was over such a “love”. Maybe over isn’t the right word. Maybe just settled with what it really is. Which is not for me. I thought I could love such a “love” into existence, and I can not. No matter how much I love, it’s not going to be returned. I’m ok with that now. I kept telling this person that I would eventually “get over it” for lack of a better phrase, and so he would understand. And I guess I am there now. I am full of compassion and care for him, but I know that it will be nothing more than friends at this point. No need to go into the why’s or how comes, because it doesn’t matter…I have come to enough closure, that I can let it go to it’s place inside my heart, to lay dormant and subsequently grow into something else. I don’t know what that something else is going to be, or if or when…but I know that it will because that’s what God has promised.
As I look back, again, on the healing process I see my heart bleeding tears, I see my eyes running dry, and I remember waking up only to realize that it was happening again…with that sick vomit feeling in the pit of my stomach. Thinking, “oh God, here I go again.” Months of why’s, and anger, and tears and hurt and bitchyness….of trying to be “friends” with this person, only to realize each time that it was only allowing me to lose my own self respect. You would have thought that since I had been through this before, I would have not done the same things again…but noooooo…I didn’t want to give up, and kept trying. Only to realize that I knew how it was all going to end anyway, and just couldn’t or wouldn’t face it. Maybe it’s just my stubbornness that makes excuses for myself. HA. Of course that makes no sense whatsoever….Whatever, either way I’m ok, and I always knew I would, I just kept hoping….
Hope is something that I cannot lose, ever. When, the few times I have lost hope…I’ve lost everything. I am not put together to be without it…kind of like love…. I can be without love…romantic, committed love, but I can’t be without hope. It’s what keeps me going. Keeps me looking for the good in things, soldiering on, growing…I’ll never know everything life has to offer. But without hope, I won’t experience anything.
So, about 6 or 8 weeks ago I was at work, and suddenly couldn’t breath, had chest pain, dizziness, all of that stuff. The nurse at work sent me to the ER, for which they didn’t do shit. They gave me a breathing treatment–said I wasn’t putting out enough air– filled me full of IV fluids, pain medicine and said I had a migraine and sent me home. Since then I’ve had two more trips to the ER, numerous breathing issues, and subsequently they have found an “abnormality” or “mass” or something in my lung. Blah blah…So the doctor has not released me yet to return to work, which has not been a good thing. During this time I have consistently run a low grade fever…for over two months….my primary care doc has given me a rescue inhaler, which sometimes works, but only for about 30 to 60 minutes. I am now in financial duress and I’m frustrated. I am to the point that I feel like the doc needs to give me whatever medication is needed so that I can function on a daily basis, and get back to work. I really don’t care at this point…I just want to get back to “normal”……whatever that is.
Then one of my furkids was killed as I watched…this set me back to an uncontrollable (for the moment) time where I questioned EVERYTHING. I almost fell off the wagon in a big way, but I did not. Thank you to a close friend who has 11 years sobriety…he was my support at that time, and I know not how to repay him. I am very blessed to have many people in my life that I consider part of my support network. The pain I feel with the loss of my Skeeter girl is beyond anything I ever want to experience…but it is what it is. Thus I am learning to deal with it. I find that just accepting some things in my life, is harder now that I am not numbing it all with booze or pills. It has not been easy. Also, a few months ago, I moved from a house that I was renting, into a motel. The landlord at the time would show up unannounced, and at one point parked in my driveway, sat there and then left. I was freaked out and concerned, so I moved. Pissed him off, but oh well. He had it rented within a week. After moving into the motel, one of my wonderful co-workers let me rent their new RV…so I moved out of the motel and into it. It is home for now until I can find something I am comfortable with…or win the lottery.
I was in a meeting today (yesterday since I am finishing this post a day later) and someone said something about having patience. As I thought about that, I relayed it to my life…and as I am always trying to be better, do better, and accept…Acceptance and patience is not always easy for me. I think things should be better, and that I should do better and be a better person. That is not a bad thing, except for….when I have not accepted what I have been ignoring (duh). I’m not a nut job….(no comments from the peanut gallery) but I have come to realize in the past few weeks, that I have been trying to ignore some facts about my life. I try my best to be positive, and always find the good things in every situation…it may take me a while, but I try very hard to do that.
A few years ago I got diagnosed with PTSD, and anxiety disorder from a stalking and home invasion. I have seen a therapist over the years, off and on, to help learn to deal with the affects of that trauma. It wasn’t until just recently that I realized that I wasn’t dealing with it at all. I was trying to pretend that I was fine, and that I needed to be stronger and that I “understood” it all. I do understand it…it’s just that I haven’t been dealing with it. I think that fact hit home the other day when I was sitting watching TV and had a flashback of my car wreck (which I have never had before, and was experiencing the wreck for which I have no memory…weird…it was like I was experiencing it for the first time… yea it sucked), and then a nightmare of the home invasion (which I also have never had before).
There are things going on that are going to come to the surface whether I like it or not. I have refused to accept the level to which I am flawed and that I may need to spend time learning to deal with what I haven’t…haven’t I already made up my mind to do that??? I keep saying the word “accept”…for a reason…I have been changed since 2008. I have perceived those changes as weakness’ and therefore have not faced them. Feeling that those changes equate to weakness; I have denied myself a chance to be real. Something that I really want to be.
I heard something today about anger. I don’t know if I’ll relay it the right way, but I’ll try. Anger and rage are just an outward expression of hurt on some level…(yea we knew that), and that when it is allowed to take control, it’s just a form of defense to keep someone or something away, so we don’t get hurt. I know that’s not how it was stated to me, but you get the gist of what I’m saying. I pretty much knew this, but something happened a few weeks ago and this statement made me think about that incident. It also makes me think about myself and how I react and for what reasons I carry anger inside. I do carry some…mostly at myself for mistakes I’ve made that I am still in the process of forgiving myself for. That’s another acceptance thing that I’m working on…accepting that it happened, I made mistakes, and I need to forgive myself and let it go. Some days I’m good…others, I struggle. Being alone, for me, makes it harder sometimes. Not always, but some.
I have this rustic wooden sign in my place that says “I’m a stable girl”. Because I’ve ridden and trained horses most of my life…it fits. But it was given to me by a close friend and she said…”it’s a double meaning for you”…yea…I think I am fairly stable…in that fact that I am always trying to look at things from different points of view and perspectives. I have screwed up…a shitload of times…and I will in the future. I’m human, it happens. But I think it’s important to be able to say that I’m wrong, or sorry, or be able to stop an inflow of unhealthy emotion so it doesn’t take control and cause me to do stupid things. (Which I have done…heartache has made me really stupid sometimes). It’s also important for me to take my happiness from good and wholesome things…which for me are doing things outside, watching the stars, talking with friends, painting my puppy’s toenails, riding horses, gardening….just stopping to smell the flowers…slowing down at life. Those things we all talk about. God gave us all wonderful things to increase our happiness and to enjoy, and I plan on doing it.
What I see today in myself…what I HAVE accepted…is that I am a person who is full of love, passion, simpleness and complicated at the same time, and a zest for life. I can see the beautiful things in this world that God has given us to use to have happiness. I don’t need any one person to make me happy, though I want to share that happiness with someone if it’s meant to be. I see me as a person who must, beyond a shadow of a doubt, realize that I am a human being that needs to be nurtured and I must accept who and what I am to this day. Flaws and all. I am a work in progress…and I think that is a lifelong thing that happens…I don’t think we “reach” a place where we know everything, have experienced everything that life has to offer. Life is about change and growth. I want to be open enough to know that I must always work and recognize that there is no “typical” where I am concerned. And that’s OK. We are all individuals and I really believe in my heart that one of the reasons we are here, is to help each other. I would love to share life with someone…but that is not up to me. It’s exciting to think of all the things that await…I will keep my mind, heart and body open to what lies ahead.
I have felt disjointed a little lately…not to the point of doing anything stupid…but really working on not letting my emotions rule the roost. I haven’t always been successful at that venture, but I’m trying. It’s soooooo hard for me to be in that middle ground of unresolved issues, and not understanding why things happen. I feel like I’m expected to just take it, and not ask questions. I could do that if it was just a random person…but when the person is so close to my heart, it’s a hard pill to swallow. I’ve come to the point where I can barely even look at the person without just wanting to cry. Being healthy is a hodgepodge of choices, decisions, actions etc. It’s easy for someone to say, “just get over it and move on…leave me alone…” but when you just don’t want to give up on someone, it’s hard to do.
There’s more than one way and program to stay sober too. For me there’s that fine line. I want to stay sober, but I also want to be healthy…for me being healthy means being open, communicating, trying to correct wrongs, acknowledging…a host of different things. It’s not just doing one thing. If talk therapy and spirituality works for one person, then cool…if going to meetings and religiously seeing a sponsor works, then that’s cool too. No one person has the right to say that a certain path is wrong. What we do have the right to is setting boundaries and not allowing someone to bring us down, just because they don’t like the way we are living. If it doesn’t affect me, then no harm, no foul. But if it does, then I have an obligation to myself to try to stop it. It’s in the way that I stop it that I sometimes fail miserably. I believe my actions will affect and cause others to react. That is a given, and I try to be considerate, or at least think about how my actions could affect another, but there again, I fail a lot of the times. One thing I don’t do is hold things in… LOL…Also one thing I haven’t mastered is readily accepting when someone doesn’t want to hear it. I mistakenly assume that because they say they “love” me, then they want to talk or work it out as much as I do. I am wrong. What I need to decide is—because the levels of communication choices are different; do I want to continue to have things unsaid and undone. Or do I just say it. I try to respect others…it’s just that with affairs of the heart…it’s hard to think logically all the time.
Sometimes I think that people expect perfection out of someone who says “ I quit drinking, or I quit doing drugs”. I really try to not be like that, but I do expect a certain level of openness, and I guess that is wrong as well. Not allowing myself to get emotionally attached to someone who cannot reciprocate is something that I am working on stopping at the present. People don’t always follow through with what they say, and I am notorious for believing others, and when it doesn’t happen, I get horribly let down. I have to find that fine line, AGAIN, with allowing myself to believe, and not. The problem with not believing is that it makes me jaded and grumpy. I don’t like to be that way and neither do the people around me. I want to keep the faith in humanity…I don’t want to give up yet.
So, this post is going to be a little random, as I’ve been posting thoughts on facebook, but not finishing them…Today….
We all care about what others think, on some level. Some show it more than others, and some hide their feelings. But if you really are interested in another, you will pay attention to those little idiosyncrasies…sometimes they can be a cry for help, acknowledgment, or just a little love. And you know what, its ok to give it, in a healthy way. If they push you away…at least you tried….I say this because I’m famous for trying to make people accept something they do not want. I think love can fix everything, but it can’t. And in the end I get frustrated, when I should have just left it up to God, He would have saved me the worry/heartache…even tho I’ve screwed up again, He still welcomes me back with Grace and forgiveness.
I find it so frustrating sometimes because I was told that I come across as bitchy and mean. But I am NOT trying to be that way. If they really knew me, and had tried to get to know me, then I don’t think that would be the case. No one else seems to think that. I believe the motivation behind actions is important…and I try to be a good person, and my motivation is never to hurt or be mean. Maybe it’s because it’s easier to be defensive and take on that thought process, than to maybe hear what the other person is saying. Even when I tried to be super nice, and walk on eggshells, I still got shot down…there was no intimacy, no communication…nothing. And if I listen to him, what he is saying to me, then I am believing his opinion of me…which is that I am a bad person…but I know that I am not what he says, so I don’t agree. I know in the past, I have gotten defensive when I know what the person is saying to me, is right. I just didn’t want to hear it. I wanted it to be my idea.
I don’t know, it really doesn’t matter, because no one can be forced to do anything. It’s just sad, and it hurts. I could talk till I was blue in the face, and he wouldn’t believe me. The more I “analyze”, as he says, the more defensive he got. I guess it really doesn’t matter, it’s been over since April. Love just doesn’t go away. But it also can’t be nurtured without two people wanting it. Such is life.
Anywho…I copied a couple posts I had on fb, into this post.
30 May 2013
It’s interesting how this feeling of contentment intermingles and conjugates with waves of heartache and longing. It’s funny how the soul chooses to heal itself, if allowed to freely process and feel without the hindrance of dysfunction. The end result is like a perfect spring or fall day, quietly smelling the air, and listening to the hoofbeats and breaths of your horse…when no one else is around. Satisfaction.
18 June 2013…
I’m sitting at work, doing my thing which requires me to pretty much not talk, and focus. (no, keeping my mouth shut isn’t that difficult, ALL of the time..lol). And I’m suddenly and completely paralyzed with fear…along with a full out panic attack. It’s a good thing I was sitting because I might have done so involuntarily….anyway being that I don’t take any benzos, or opiates anymore, the only thing i could do was pray, and pray hard. So I did for like 30 minutes. I just prayed…i prayed for forgiveness for the totally screwed up decisions that I have made in the last few years…and you know what happened…peace, calmness, contentment…and forgiveness..from my screw ups. This is different than before, because before i would just buy some booz and pop a couple pills. Thank God for grace.
So, for the last few days I’ve been wondering why I love someone who can’t or won’t love me back. And why I even want that love. I started over analyzing and wondered if it had something to do with the fact that I didn’t feel loved as a child, or rather that those that I did feel love for and loved me, got removed from my life in some sort of way. Has that psychological damage followed me to some extent through out life? I wonder. I don’t want to create a reason, if it’s not there. But why on earth have I picked someone who can’t reciprocate? I’ve had other relationships…abusive ones, liars, cheaters…you know the whole country song….well, I guess my dogs haven’t left me. HA…
Anyway..so I’m trying to figure out why I am still hanging on. I have gone back and forth…one day I buck up and say…”I can’t do this anymore, I’m moving on”. Then the next day I say..”No, I love you too much…it just won’t go away”. I have many invitations for dates…no, I’m not all that and a bag of chips. But I do get asked out. So I think…should I go? Almost INSTANTLY I hear in my head, “no”. Yuck…I don’t even want to be with anyone else. I’m fine alone most of the time.
There are those moments that I’m not ok being alone, but that passes. I am human after all, and with this new task of dealing with all my pent up emotions, I must realize that I am a lover by nature…I don’t always like being by myself. I’ll survive, but I don’t like it. But back to what I’m rambling about. Why do I love the unreachable…and am I just being used? I don’t think the intent is that. I’m leaning on love and hoping that their heart is true and filled with honest motivation. I choose to believe that. I’m a better person when I see the good in people instead of the bad. Granted, I have to be aware and cautious…I can’t be completely blind to others not so loving actions. But I can choose how to react.
Frick…I keep getting off track…this is supposed to be therapeutic for me to work through what obstacles I have in front of me. Maybe there’s more I need to deal with than just wondering why I love someone who doesn’t want to love me back. Like maybe my choices as to how I deal and handle that. So how do I do that. With the fluctuation of feelings from one day to the next sometimes, it’s kinda hinky. I can usually recognize that up and down thing, and know that it’s important to realize my thought process is under the influence of a strong emotion. I try to always think logically, but that doesn’t work all the time. I am a breathing, feeling, human being and with that comes a shit-storm of emotion. And sometimes I just don’t get it. I know that not everything will be understood, but it’s frustrating for me sometimes to not be able to “fix it”. I tend to try to do that a lot, and it doesn’t always work. I have to remember that I am not in control, and therefore I cannot fix everything all the time. UGH. Pain in my ass.
So how do I deal with loving someone who doesn’t think he can love me back. I think that’s what’s been decided. That love isn’t being given to me like I wanted. At least that’s kinda what’s been mentioned. How can one person know that their love isn’t enough for another? Is there too much fear to love me? Is there too big of a fear of getting hurt? Or is there simply the lack of wanting to love me. I don’t know. People are different, love is sometimes different. There are some things that love DOES NOT do, but I always thought that when people loved, they showed it and wanted to show it. Who knows. Maybe I’m trying to control it too much. I do know that I’m trying to not hurt. I think I’m afraid of the heart ache that I will go through if I completely turn away. I can compartmentalize pretty well when I have to, it’s just not always proven positive in the past. It’s good sometimes, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, I’ve found that it’s not always the way to go.
I’ve thought about that though. Making the choice to move on. Right now my choice is to not move on. But it’s soooooooo frustrating sometimes!!!!! I have such a hard time with the grey area…I don’t do grey area well…at all. Which is probably why I am feeling so lost right now and why I feel like I don’t know how to handle this. This is a huge grey area for me. Then I add in my choice for how I live my life. In the past I would have grabbed a drink, or a pill, more recently, to help me “deal”…(ha…that’s an oxymoron, deal with issues with a pill or drink???….not). I have to remind myself on a really trying day that I don’t want to do it that way. I like it better this way, but old habits die hard, and the bad ones even harder. But the thought of moving on, just doesn’t seem right.
Or maybe I’m making that excuse up. I don’t think so. Not at this point. I’m just not ready to give up yet. If and when that time comes, I don’t think I will feel like I’ve given up. I think I will have accepted the reality of the situation. Do I hope that he will want to love me again? YES. Will I be ABLE to wait forever, no, I don’t think so. I like to love. And I think that eventually I will know that if he doesn’t want to love me, that someone else will want to. I don’t know God’s plans for my life. I want to, and I want to hear what He has to say. I pray everyday for His will to be in my life…and I also know that doubt and confusion is not of God. So, in saying that, I am just reminded that I need to let go and let God handle it. Anything is possible. And I will keep the faith.
Peace out. (Yea…I don’t know why I’m putting that on all my posts…must be going through a phase. ) 🙂
…Took that step in faith, as the other part of my heart said the other day…. I quit trying to force something that’s not there. It’s weird…it’s like I’m going through losing my best friend and my love, again. Although, this time, I feel like I never had that best friend, or love, to begin with. I was simply honest (with myself mostly) with how I felt, and what I could do, and what I needed to do to keep myself healthy. The thing about human nature is that, people do what they want. They act how they want, and react how they want. Unless someone is holding a gun to their head…it’s really always their choice. We are each responsible for our own actions, we can’t blame the weather, our parents, our boss, or our dog…it’s our choice. Period.
Don’t get me wrong….I haven’t given up. I’m just waiting from a little further away now. I’ve simply decided that I cannot give and give, with nothing in return. Because I know how I feel will not change right now, there’s still a chance. But like a flower that doesn’t get water, eventually my feelings will be put into the proper place and I will quit nurturing it. It’s not healthy for me. I can’t do shallow, or what I perceive as shallow. Some things we can not change about ourselves…other things we can.
Today, I have been sober for 67 days. Doesn’t seem like a lot, but for me it is. I can’t remember the last time I was sober for that long…LOL…it seems weird that I never thought of that before. In the past I would have gone to the liquor store during this time in my life…. But now I see it from a different perspective….if I know that what I am doing is making me unhealthy, then I try to stop it, so I don’t allow myself to fall into those old ways of “being”, that would lead me to slip. And really, it’s allowing me to understand the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of love I want to share with someone else. I read somewhere that if two people give 100% with love, then it will overlap, and they will be able to balance each other out when it’s needed. That seems like a great partnership. I am blessed to know some couples like that. I love watching them together…it makes me giddy inside like a little school girl. Yea..Ima dork. 🙂
Anyway…I really miss this person. I can’t turn off the way I feel, but I have to keep it to myself right now. If and when the time ever comes for that 100%/100% sharing to come into my life, I will be ready. I can’t see into the future, but God knows my heart. He’ll take care of me. This I know to be true.
To B Bear…I love you. I wish God’s blessings upon your life, I pray you feel and hear His voice in your heart, and experience the indwelling of love that only He can give you. I pray for safety and guidance for you in everything you do, and because I have faith, I know it is done.
Update: As I’m reading back through these memoirs, I find myself remembering the feelings I had at the time.
Oh, how I have survived. Oh have I let go, of so much.
Today…I am thankful for another day to be alive. Struggles and all. And really, I don’t have many struggles. Actually, just one that I am trying to process. How do you move from romantic love, back to friendship without feeling weird? I’m not sure how to do that…it’s like I need to learn how to flip a switch, and I’m not sure how. I’m not sure if I can even do it. Since I’m trying to deal with feelings and not push them away, it seems counterproductive to try to “switch” it off. So I am at a cross roads….do I wait and see if anything happens later, or do I live in the now and realize that RIGHT NOW, I am not needed. If I wait, then I am committing myself to something that can’t commit back. I am the only one making a decision if I do that. Hmm..that’s not fair. LOL..If I don’t wait, then I move on to the opportunities that have been presenting themselves, but also the whole scenario of starting over. Yikes…But also…I believe that it’s not always in my control. I can pray and ask for guidance, which I do. And thank you Lord for taking my burdens, by the way.
I mentioned the other day something that I have been thinking about a lot. My thoughts were something to the affect of–“don’t replace one addiction with another.” I’ve said before that for me it’s important to understand actions and thought processes, for myself, so that I can react accordingly and correct my behaviour so I do not continue to make the same mistakes. So in thinking about not replacing one addiction with another…I wonder if I’m addicted to love…haha…sounds like an 80’s hairband song. Oh wait..it is. LOL…Thank you Robert Palmer…anyway…I’m getting sidetracked. I LOOOOOOVE to love. I love being in love, choosing to love, all of it. It makes me feel good. So then I think of my friends that say…I don’t want to be with anyone. I like being alone. One friend in particular is so afraid of getting hurt, that she will not even consider loving again. Me…I’m too dorky to give up. I still have that hope in humanity. I haven’t given up. And you know what? I’m not going to give up either. God says he will give us the desires of our hearts, in one way or another…so I’m gonna go with it. I’ve thrown up all my worries and cares to Him, and he has answered my prayers seven-fold. He made me, He knows me, and He takes care of me.
I haven’t given up.
I had taken a break for a few days from blogging. And as I am typing now, and once again, I realize how this form of processing is a way to hear God’s voice in my heart. It NEVER ceases to amaze me. It’s hard to explain, but the key ingredient that I find is in my own actions. I must be vulnerable and open, not allow a hard heart, or bitterness to fill it. I must trust that someone other than myself is in charge. It comes down to trust for me…I must practice it. I can’t let the walls build up around my heart, because when that happens, I will not hear what I need to. I haven’t given up.
Recovery is a life long process…I believe that it doesn’t stop…we are constantly changing, as is life, so there is no possible way that we are “recovered”. I just don’t believe it. Like a relationship, it must be nurtured and paid attention to, or complacency and temptation will worm it’s way back into our lives like a maggot into a dead body. I want to keep learning and growing and maybe someday be able to share that with someone.
But until then….I’ll stay the course, stand guard and keep love in my heart.