Life as I know it
So, about 6 or 8 weeks ago I was at work, and suddenly couldn’t breath, had chest pain, dizziness, all of that stuff. The nurse at work sent me to the ER, for which they didn’t do shit. They gave me a breathing treatment–said I wasn’t putting out enough air– filled me full of IV fluids, pain medicine and said I had a migraine and sent me home. Since then I’ve had two more trips to the ER, numerous breathing issues, and subsequently they have found an “abnormality” or “mass” or something in my lung. Blah blah…So the doctor has not released me yet to return to work, which has not been a good thing. During this time I have consistently run a low grade fever…for over two months….my primary care doc has given me a rescue inhaler, which sometimes works, but only for about 30 to 60 minutes. I am now in financial duress and I’m frustrated. I am to the point that I feel like the doc needs to give me whatever medication is needed so that I can function on a daily basis, and get back to work. I really don’t care at this point…I just want to get back to “normal”……whatever that is.
Then one of my furkids was killed as I watched…this set me back to an uncontrollable (for the moment) time where I questioned EVERYTHING. I almost fell off the wagon in a big way, but I did not. Thank you to a close friend who has 11 years sobriety…he was my support at that time, and I know not how to repay him. I am very blessed to have many people in my life that I consider part of my support network. The pain I feel with the loss of my Skeeter girl is beyond anything I ever want to experience…but it is what it is. Thus I am learning to deal with it. I find that just accepting some things in my life, is harder now that I am not numbing it all with booze or pills. It has not been easy. Also, a few months ago, I moved from a house that I was renting, into a motel. The landlord at the time would show up unannounced, and at one point parked in my driveway, sat there and then left. I was freaked out and concerned, so I moved. Pissed him off, but oh well. He had it rented within a week. After moving into the motel, one of my wonderful co-workers let me rent their new RV…so I moved out of the motel and into it. It is home for now until I can find something I am comfortable with…or win the lottery.
I was in a meeting today (yesterday since I am finishing this post a day later) and someone said something about having patience. As I thought about that, I relayed it to my life…and as I am always trying to be better, do better, and accept…Acceptance and patience is not always easy for me. I think things should be better, and that I should do better and be a better person. That is not a bad thing, except for….when I have not accepted what I have been ignoring (duh). I’m not a nut job….(no comments from the peanut gallery) but I have come to realize in the past few weeks, that I have been trying to ignore some facts about my life. I try my best to be positive, and always find the good things in every situation…it may take me a while, but I try very hard to do that.
A few years ago I got diagnosed with PTSD, and anxiety disorder from a stalking and home invasion. I have seen a therapist over the years, off and on, to help learn to deal with the affects of that trauma. It wasn’t until just recently that I realized that I wasn’t dealing with it at all. I was trying to pretend that I was fine, and that I needed to be stronger and that I “understood” it all. I do understand it…it’s just that I haven’t been dealing with it. I think that fact hit home the other day when I was sitting watching TV and had a flashback of my car wreck (which I have never had before, and was experiencing the wreck for which I have no memory…weird…it was like I was experiencing it for the first time… yea it sucked), and then a nightmare of the home invasion (which I also have never had before).
There are things going on that are going to come to the surface whether I like it or not. I have refused to accept the level to which I am flawed and that I may need to spend time learning to deal with what I haven’t…haven’t I already made up my mind to do that??? I keep saying the word “accept”…for a reason…I have been changed since 2008. I have perceived those changes as weakness’ and therefore have not faced them. Feeling that those changes equate to weakness; I have denied myself a chance to be real. Something that I really want to be.
I heard something today about anger. I don’t know if I’ll relay it the right way, but I’ll try. Anger and rage are just an outward expression of hurt on some level…(yea we knew that), and that when it is allowed to take control, it’s just a form of defense to keep someone or something away, so we don’t get hurt. I know that’s not how it was stated to me, but you get the gist of what I’m saying. I pretty much knew this, but something happened a few weeks ago and this statement made me think about that incident. It also makes me think about myself and how I react and for what reasons I carry anger inside. I do carry some…mostly at myself for mistakes I’ve made that I am still in the process of forgiving myself for. That’s another acceptance thing that I’m working on…accepting that it happened, I made mistakes, and I need to forgive myself and let it go. Some days I’m good…others, I struggle. Being alone, for me, makes it harder sometimes. Not always, but some.
I have this rustic wooden sign in my place that says “I’m a stable girl”. Because I’ve ridden and trained horses most of my life…it fits. But it was given to me by a close friend and she said…”it’s a double meaning for you”…yea…I think I am fairly stable…in that fact that I am always trying to look at things from different points of view and perspectives. I have screwed up…a shitload of times…and I will in the future. I’m human, it happens. But I think it’s important to be able to say that I’m wrong, or sorry, or be able to stop an inflow of unhealthy emotion so it doesn’t take control and cause me to do stupid things. (Which I have done…heartache has made me really stupid sometimes). It’s also important for me to take my happiness from good and wholesome things…which for me are doing things outside, watching the stars, talking with friends, painting my puppy’s toenails, riding horses, gardening….just stopping to smell the flowers…slowing down at life. Those things we all talk about. God gave us all wonderful things to increase our happiness and to enjoy, and I plan on doing it.
What I see today in myself…what I HAVE accepted…is that I am a person who is full of love, passion, simpleness and complicated at the same time, and a zest for life. I can see the beautiful things in this world that God has given us to use to have happiness. I don’t need any one person to make me happy, though I want to share that happiness with someone if it’s meant to be. I see me as a person who must, beyond a shadow of a doubt, realize that I am a human being that needs to be nurtured and I must accept who and what I am to this day. Flaws and all. I am a work in progress…and I think that is a lifelong thing that happens…I don’t think we “reach” a place where we know everything, have experienced everything that life has to offer. Life is about change and growth. I want to be open enough to know that I must always work and recognize that there is no “typical” where I am concerned. And that’s OK. We are all individuals and I really believe in my heart that one of the reasons we are here, is to help each other. I would love to share life with someone…but that is not up to me. It’s exciting to think of all the things that await…I will keep my mind, heart and body open to what lies ahead.
Happy Wednesday!! 🙂