My own words trigger me these days, feeling the emotions and memories that I’ve locked away.
It’s hard. Hard to recover from a fallen day.
I feel guilty for expressing these fears and struggles,
Because I don’t want to receive pity. I just want to be normal.
When I went to my therapist this week, we tried, again, trauma therapy.
But I failed, sent deep into negative body responses.
So we stopped.
Fresh out of crisis, she didn’t want to send me reeling, which could end me up in another stay at the farm.
I laugh at that statement, “the farm”. Because it’s the only thing I can do that doesn’t bring me any harm.
I feel like I’m a failure in even trying to fix myself. I feel defeated and a prisoner of trauma.
So I’m putting all things on the back burner because writing seems to be the only way I can express the way I feel, to make it congeal.
I don’t know what this post is about this morning. I’m not even out of bed yet nor started the days long list of things that I should be mourning.
She said to do whatever works to bring peace inside, writing, journaling, mindfulness, the things that I can actually accomplish that makes me feel right.
So that’s what I’m doing. It seems to work I guess, though when those awful childhood feelings come to the surface, it seems to take me days to process and again find purpose.
That’s what I’ve been doing for a week; dealing , feeling, and reeling.
Complex ptsd, ptsd, mdd, bpd, avd seems like a lot, and sometimes I really feel like I cannot recover.
Which is a stab of reality that I don’t know how to navigate and on some days I really just want to smother.
Smother. With a big feather pillow.
So I’ve got this short pile of verbal vomit out this morning, I felt like I needed to release this. Now on to further things, feeding the horse, cats, dog and all of the things that bring me peace and sojourning.
Let’s go over some way’s I’ve made money online. Hooray! My 1st favorite is blogging.
Lets go over some ways I’ve made money online. All of these I have used, and they have generated income. Making money online started to explode during the onset, and following the covid pandemic. People realized that they could make a living from home, or anywhere there’s an internet connection. Employees were forced out of their offices and into their homes, and it’s turned out to be a good thing.
You can gain more freedom, work from a van down by the river, or from a beach by the ocean. As long as you can get internet, you’re good to go. Gone are the days where a person has to punch a time clock and work a 9-5.
I understand some people enjoy their work, and prefer it that way. That’s cool too. When I was able to work, and working in the nursing industry, I loved my job. But times have changed, and being unable to work as an employee, and being on disability has forced me to learn to do new things.
The first online platform I’m going to talk about is Fiverr. It was created as a platform in the beginning for people to do projects for others for 5 bucks. It’s since then evolved and you can create what they call a ”gig”, to do anything. Website design, Amazon listings, app development. I did a quick search for “how to build a website”, and there were over 25K gigs ranging in price from $650 to $5.
The next platform that is similar to Fiverr is Legiit. Legitt works about the same way as Fiverr, is a bit newer to the online freelance platform world. But it is getting great reviews. It has awesome security with 2FA and great payout programs.
Etsy and ShineOn
Ok, this is a seriously cool trick. You can start an Etsy store, create jewelry via ShineOn, and upload your jewelry to your Etsy store. You don’t have to have any inventory, you don’t have to do any shipping, or any of that. You simply find a piece of jewelry, or a product that ShineOn has, do the setup, and then sync it to your Etsy store. I’ve made money this way as well.
My store is kind of on the back burner right now, so I’m working on that, but it is a great way to make and sell products, without having to actually fabricate the product yourself. If you do make products, then that’s awesome, Etsy is a great place to showcase them. You can click any of the underlined words to try it out and see my store.
This is similar to Etsy and Shineon. Except you can take one of your pictures, and upload it to Redbubble, and then you can choose what kind of products that picture will be on. Cups, mugs, aprons, mini skirts, dog items, shower curtains, tank tops, t-shirts, water bottles… that’s just a few items. There are A LOT. You can click HERE to see what I’m talking about. Currently I’m adding anther print on demand shop.
I’ll update this post when it goes live. All you have to do is go to the website, create an account, and then start making items. It will take some time to get everything set up for payment, and whatever kind of designs you want to create. I use Canva, click here to create your account. Canva’s images are not copyrighted, so you can find whatever you want to create and then use it. It’s really cool.
Most of these platforms are geared towards the freelancer. Someone who wants to be able to work from anywhere, and create their own type of atmosphere. Especially if you like to write, are good at creating content, understand seo, or just like to work in your pjs from your couch.
There will always be blogging. Blogs will never go away, and are another great way to generate income. I started this blog fore FREE nine years ago…it’s my go-to to publish whatever I want to write about. It’s a little slower, but if you can be consistent, then it’s a sure fire winner.
Always remember that you only fail if you don’t try. Just try…all of these platforms are FREE to use. FREE FREE FREE FREE.
If you would like an EXTREMELY detailed guide to these and other services to start your own online business, I’ve partnered with Adrian Brambila to share the Brambila Method. This is how he’s made his money, and is financially retired at the age of 32. Yes it costs money, but if you aren’t 100% satisfied, he offers a money back guarantee.
I don’t know how many times I’ve been through this in the last five or six years. Up the rollar coaster…feeling like I’m king of the mountain…working hard, going to school, smelling the roses….then I crash into a huge pile of fresh hot steaming cow shit. Judas tits…then I climb back up out of the steaming hot pile of cow shit…get myself put back together, which takes a momentous amount of time because when I say I crash…I do it very well. I start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel…and whammy, I’m there! Yeeeeee haw! Whoopie I’m here! Wait, what? Ok….so back to working hard, smelling the roses and all. Then something happens again, and down I go into a different pile of shit. Deep down inside I know why this has happened. My intuition is pretty good. Or gut feeling, whatever you want to call it. I’ve spent all this time and energy on trying to ignore what causes my glorious swan dives into piles of fresh shit.
But this time is different. I’ve never said THAT before. This time when I climb up out of that shit, I’m going to learn to put my boots on and walk through it, instead of diving head first into it from an abnormally high cosmic altitude of escape. I’m learning new ways to cope with the reasons I take those dives. I already knew what those reasons were…but I kept trying to pretend I was “ok”. No, I’m not “ok”. I’m hurt and traumatized. I’m scared and filled with fear. I live in a world dominated by irrational feelings caused from fear; a world filled with anxiety and panic. Triggers that I should not have to deal with from anyone, at home or at work. Intimidation and abuse is NOT ok, and it will not be tolerated in my life anymore. That fear and anxiety may go away some days, or some days it may not. Either way, there’s going to be new and better ways to handle my life, so that I create a daily way of living that is functional and progressive. That’s been the biggest issue. Not admitting what the traumas are, and that I HAVE been affected by them. Just accepting that fact and getting the right help, has been the biggest and most proactive thing I have done for myself in these last few weeks. I don’t care what you think about why I’ve been gone…or anyone for that matter.
Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are just around the corner. I’m going to go over some of my favorite things in this post. Maybe you’ll get some ideas for gifts for others.
My number 1 favorite gadget is this SOLAR POWERED FLASHLIGHT. You can charge your electronics with it, it has 6 different light settings, a seatbelt ”cutter”, glass breaker, and a powerful magnet to stick to anything. I’ve also included two of my videos about this flashlight.
Another favorite of mine is this portable water filter. Are you prepared? Do you live a nomad lifestyle? These are things that you need to have if that’s the case. (That link will give you a few different options for water filters, water filtration systems, and replacement filters. )
Another favorite product is THIS WEIGHTED BLANKET. Studies have shown that weighted blankets help with anxiety, stress, sleep and other health challenges. This link will take you to my original post about Thera Blankets.) You can read more about weighted blankets through this trusted source.
Kitchen, bathrooms, living rooms, decor…you can’t beat stuff like that for gifts. Don’t know what they want? Get them a gift card. Or, you know, just ask… people will always give you answers when you ask the right questions. OVERSTOCK is a great place to shop. So is AMAZON. I know there are different opinions out there about different places. But I have to run a business, and attempt to have enough money for my funeral, so I’m going with the online choices. 🤷🏻♀️ (Any of the underline words or pictures will take you to where you want to go.)
Don’t forget perfume and cologne. I’m tellin’ ya… if a man smells good…mmhmm. What about your favorite DIOR product?Or Burberry? (my favorite). Doesn’t everyone love a nice scent?
Stay tuned for some items from my baby Etsy Shop. I’ll post some pictures here in the future, but in the mean time, here is the LINK TO MY ETSY.
Also, you can get to ALL of my websites, via one place, my LINKTREE. Just click on the appropriate button, and it will take you there. Or just aim at the QR code for instant access.
Weighted blankets are a LIFESAVER. Check it out, and get yourself one. THEY WORK.
Dealing with it.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since I’ve been on leave, and some stuff that pops into my head is just bizarre. Like for instance…I have had about 4 “nightmares”. I put them in quotes because a nightmare for me could just be considered weird for others. This being because I have never had nightmare, never ever….Not at all. I can/could watch the scariest movie and not have a nightmare. (I don’t know why they call it nightmares, it makes me think of going out to the pasture and seeing my mares at night…not at all bad, rather enjoyable actually.)
Dealing with it
Anyway, he put me on medication to help with nightmares, that I wasn’t having–until after taking the medication. What a wonderful way to start the month. He also put me medication to help me sleep, for which it did not; but it did help me look like a toad. That I can’t stand– I can’t handle a body image issues right now, I’m dealing with too many other things.
So I decided to be my own doctor and wean myself off of the so-called sleeping medication and I quit taking the medication that was supposed to help me not have nightmares, although I still don’t know why he prescribed that for me because I wasn’t having nightmares until after I started taking it. Which doesn’t make any fucking sense whatsoever. So I’ve been off of the sleeping medication and I almost instantly dropped about 10 pounds. But that isn’t enough.
And again, you guessed it he had to change my medication again because obviously what he had put me on wasn’t working. Captain Obvious finally listened to me when I told him I wasn’t going to be a guinea pig. I understand that I need a mood stabilizer…. That part I get. But I also know some things about what I can and cannot put into my body…remind me to tell you my ambien story….anyway…I told him I needed a powerful, old school sleeping medication… I need to be pretty much doped up and tranquilized to sleep due to my high anxiety and fear issues. So…that’s what he did.
This past week I have slept between five and six hours a night…and let me tell you that is a freakin miracle. I haven’t done that in forever…I mean like FOREVER….since Reagan was in office I think. Seriously. Anyway, so now I have started a simple workout plan that I can do at home, and my shrink and I have set a target date for me to go back to work. Although she only wants me to work part time and during he day. (That should be interesting trying to convince a multi billion dollar company to let me make my own schedule. Haha.)
Dealing with it.
So the title of this post is dealing with it. Some people have been wondering what the fuck I have to deal with. And when I give them the shortened version, they usually just say “man that sucks.” Yea it does suck. But what I don’t say is that he beat me, raped me–more than once. Then when I finally got the nerve to walk away, he couldn’t handle it.
Then came the stalking and home invasion. And a host of years of not being able to function, therapy, losing it all…home, vehicles, horses…everything. I was homeless at one point in 2011. So I finally learn that I can’t be around hostility or violence, I learn to watch and figure out what the red flags were/are…I learn that all the years of hostility have affected me. (Well duh..I’ve already figured that out.) And in that process, the “triggers” have been removed. Alcohol has been removed from it’s pedestal….holds no bandaging properties any longer. What I’ve been told recently though is “don’t live in the past”.
Well, I’m not. But trauma causes lingering affects that, if not dealt with, cause issues. I’d like that person to tell a combat veteran, who has seen combat, to “not live in the past”.
Good luck on that one.
Or a cop that has been in a situation where he has had to draw his gun and shoot…good luck with that one too. Hence my losing everything…etc etc. So fast forward to 2013. I find a job that I like, and also find two people who are hostile. So, if you have ever had that dream where you are falling?? That’s what it was like for me…flashbacks, panic attacks….and I find myself on leave and in intense therapy, feeling hopeless and fearful.
Number one, I should’nt have to feel that way at work. There is no number two. So here we are. I have to figure out a way to go to my supervisors and tell them that another employee has been hostile and it’s been directed towards me. That should go over well. Given that the other employee is in a supervisory position as well.
Add to that, my medical doctor wants me to move departments because we believe and have come to the conclusion that a cleaning agent that is used irritates my lungs, making me more susceptible to infection….the first six months I worked there I got viral pneumonia and bacterial bronchitis…I’ve never had that many pulmonary issues so close together, ever.
So I need to see how that works, convincing my company that I need to move to a different department, or at least have limited exposure. Yea…I know what you’re thinking….I’m screwed. I’m replaceable, and they don’t need me. Someone told me that there is a no tolerance for hostility at work. Yippee….I should be set then.
Wish me luck…I’m tired of it all…tired of worrying, fighting….I just want to find that happy place and live. Judas titts….is it that hard?
Here is one that I had highlighted in the #MMPOETRYBATTLE, from my Twitter group.
From May 6th, 2022
#trigger warning…themes of death/grief
“Stealer of breath, when we think there’s enough. Feeder of the gangrenous soul, when we think there’s hope. Basher of light, in a space clawing for it. Convincer of death, grief is this. To a heart that’s already, almost there.”
I am disappointed right now. Not sure if it’s with myself, or fair of me to feel that way about someone else. I was blamed for putting someone down all the time…even when I just tried to talk. I did get angry and have stood up for myself and said bluntly what I thought about what was said and done, and I was told to fuck off.
I accused this person of not being happy, holding onto the past, and not being friendly when they didn’t get their way. Of course that went over like a turd in a punch bowl.
But what I am struggling with, is why I feel like I’ve been the bad guy, when I was verbally bashed, lied to and made to feel like the entire situation was my intentional doing. I get that I reacted under the influence of strong emotion…hurt…but I apologized for that. I was asked over and over to “wait”, long story short. I was told I was loved, but that this person had too many issues. (Their words). So I waited. But one day I woke up and realized that waiting for this person, is not what God wanted from me, so I told them such. I told them that I couldn’t wait, that I couldn’t help them, when they didn’t even talk to me. From that point on I have received nothing but put downs and the only type of response I have ever gotten, or even communication was filled with bitterness. Why on earth do I feel like it’s my fault for their reaction? That’s stupid.
Well, here we go. I’m in crisis at the moment. My mind is betraying me and my soul feels lost. I’m crying randomly, feel like I’d be better off not on this planet. No, I do not have a plan. I’ve been on the phone with a support person, trying to unload this weight. I’ve been trying to pin down a trigger/s, but can’t find one right now.
This happens. I felt it starting to come on a few weeks ago. I don’t know why, I don’t understand why, and I’m tired. I’m tired of constantly trying to ”be ok”. I know I’ve posted about this before, and I probably sound like a broken record.
I’ve been told to ”get over it”, ”it’s in the past”, ”suck it up”… and all of those statements that a person hears when dealing with reoccurring mental health issues. Trauma has ruined me right now. I feel hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, nauseous. I feel like I’m crazy. Maybe I am. I have diagnoses of ptsd, bpd, apd, mdd, gad and something else I can’t remember. I have autoimmune disease that I’ve been told has been caused from years of mental issues. Trying to ”suck it up” for so long.
Then I hear people, who I’m sure are trying to help, tell me that they “have a friend that has been through something similar and they were able to work through it”. Good deal. I’m happy for them.
But right now I’d rather be… not here.
I’m just so tired of feeling like I have to fight just to breath.
I have been seriously moved within my soul today. I can not explain it, other than God is trying to tell me something…I have had an indwelling of the holy spirit before in my life, and I really feel something coming this time. And remarkably enough, I am very calm. Or ready…not sure which. I found something I wrote down at some point, on a piece of paper in my bible. It’s a thing that Oswald Chambers said…
“Conviction of sin is one of the rarest things that ever strikes a man. It is the threshold of an understanding of God. Jesus Christ said that when the Holy Spirit came, he would convict of sin, and when the Holy Spirit rouses the conscience and brings him into the presence of God, it is not his relationship with men that bothers him, but his relationship with God.”
I know when I am under conviction…So I’m not exactly sure why this came to be and why I found this. I just prayed for guidence and strength. I am getting ready to have a meeting with someone, and maybe I need to be strong for something for them, or me, or God. I don’t know. But I do know in the past God has prepared me for things this way. One of my favorite things that I have to do is trust and obey. So I’m trusting right now. I don’t know the future. I’ll watch my walk and stay close to what I know right now.
Here’s a Story 
