Broken, a trip back in time.

picture of magic garden from fairy tales
Photo by Alexander Ant on
Broken, a trip back in time.


I’ve been buzzing around today…not doing much of anything other than cleaning, thinking, reading.  Since I have decided to face the demons from my past, there has been an influx of emotion today.  And it freakin hurts. Bad.  Like so bad I want to drink a bottle of Jameson bad.  The whole bottle. Right now. I physically HURT.  Right in my chest, it’s like my heart actually hurts. It sucks. I hate it.

It’s dark outside now, and that’s usually when this sh*t hits.  And I’m alone…naturally, I’m usually always alone.  Physically anyway.  So now comes the time when I have to feel this crap.  It’s been a very long time since I’ve REALLY truly honestly felt pain.  Logically I understand it all, so I’m trying to keep my logical mind in place, and not get carried away and become under the influence of this pain I am dealing with.  Because the second I do, I’m hittin the liquor store.  And I DO NOT want to do that.  Sooo, I’m writing, venting, vomiting verbal sputum.  

The black thick raunchy vile death that has been sitting becoming gangrenous and smelly inside my body for so long, is now being forced out. I’m feeling the loss of someone that I once loved, someone whom I never really told how much I wanted to be with them. At least I never showed it. I’m feeling the pain of all the mistakes I made, and all the bullsh*t I drug my kids through…the deep empty feeling that sits void inside my heart where my grandfather’s (and now my grandmother’s) presence once filled. All these things have been ruminating around inside me today, and to be honest, it all hurts. I’ve cried today, a lot. My eyes hurt. I’ve prayed and asked for forgiveness. I know this all will pass, but as I take things, sometimes, one minute at a time, it just seems like it’s taking TOO LONG!!

This is a post from 10 years ago. TEN. And I can honestly say that I go through this exact same thing now. I still want to go get that bottle of Jameson, I still want to numb the pain, throw myself into oblivion and feel nothing. Though I will give myself some credit that I don’t go get that bottle of Jameson, I don’t abuse my mental health and pain medication. So I’m patting myself on the back for that. But the urge is still there sometimes. Trauma and abuse are linked to addiction. But I have found better ways to deal with the bad days now. I don’t reach for that quick fix, I don’t make excuses for this or for that. I just put it all out there and ask for help. I have crisis on speed dial, I have a therapist that I’ve been seeing for 8 years, I have a support network, and protocol when it gets so bad that I can’t deal.

I’ve had 5 psychiatric hospital stays because I couldn’t handle my life. I am not ashamed of that anymore. I used to be, but not now. I am an imperfect human being trying to live, and I know I am flawed.

I am doing better. Understanding is key, being vulnerable is necessary. Admitting mistakes is necessary, and so is apologizing.

Don’t give up if you struggle. Reach out and ask for help. If you are in crisis you can text 988.


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