I’m struggling today, there’s no reason for it that I can find, or figure out.
This is one of those days where I have no idea why I’m having anxiety attacks, feeling the dark cloud of depression, and crying at random times for no reason.
I could chalk it up to the diagnoses that I have, I guess. I’m using my toolbox of coping skills, but nothing seems to be working at the moment.
I mean, my brain is damaged, and if I look at it from a logical standpoint, I understand and it makes sense. But from an emotional standpoint, it’s all consuming, frustrating and never ending. It seems that way anyway.
I’m doing the things… cooking Zoey’s food, did the dishes, laundry, mixed up some special food for the old cat that I’m caring for… he’s such a good boy. I’ve spent time with Sadie, my horse, and all the barn cats are always loving and wiling to do their best to cheer me up.
I’ve asked myself over and over “why?”. Why do I have to cycle like this. I don’t feel sorry for myself, because for me that’s just dumb, but being up one minute and then crashing down a few hours later isn’t something that I enjoy.
I just want to “be”.
Be me without the highs and lows, without having a slobbering crying fit for no apparent reason. Without having to get it all out with blog posts, because that’s the only way I can get it out.
I could call crisis, but then I feel like a burden. I could call my therapist… but to tell her what? “Hey, guess what? I’m fucked right now, and can’t get off the spinning wheel… again.”
She would tel me to go to my safe place✅, do 4-7-8 breathing✅, snap a rubber band or hair tie on my wrist✅, go outside and spend time in nature ✅ exercise✅punch a pillow after screaming in it✅… I’ve done these things. Today they aren’t working.
She would tel me to go to my safe place✅, do 4-7-8 breathing✅, snap a rubber band or hair tie on my wrist✅, go outside and spend time in nature ✅ exercise✅punch a pillow after screaming in it✅… I’ve done these things. Today they aren’t working.
I’ve been on medication. Lots of it. But in the past 10 years or so, the meds I’ve been prescribed have either given me an adverse or allergic reaction, ending me up in an er visit, or worked for a short time and then quickly became ineffective.
I take gaba (amino acid), every day twice a day, I take methylated folate because of the MTHFR polymorphism, I take regular vitamins and omegas. All of my supplements, I know, help and if I didn’t take them (which has happened in the past due to running out because insurance doesn’t cover supplements) things are absolutely 100x worse.
So I guess I could look at it from that perspective… I could be worse.
At the moment though, that doesn’t help. So I struggle, and feel all of the feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and impending doom. (I know there’s no impending doom, but that’s how I feel).
I share all of this for the world to see because I know there are others out there that struggle. Know that you are not alone.
I may end up calling crisis, or taking a prn med to quiet my mind and calm my body.
Thanks for listening.
✌️
Shassy
P.S. if you click on underlined, highlighted, image, or different colored words it will take you to an explanation, or a resource.
Here’s a Story 