This post is mostly for therapy today, so there’s your disclaimer.
I’m seriously considering ETC treatments, my psych med provider is checking into ketamine treatments. I am researching hallucinogenic mushroom treatments…though I think all that is really available is getting into a study. I’ll link one that I found the last time I did research.
At the present moment I’m fighting off a mild panic attack. I’m feeling shame, guilt. I don’t know why, I haven’t done anything. Though I think it’s all tied into the realization that I fell off the wagon with my binge eating….I know that sounds stupid, but that’s the way it goes. I screw up, then all the things I ever did wrong, that I can remember from 15 years ago, comes flooding back.
All the times I drank too much, and drove. Acted very less than lady-like, as my Grandma would say. The times I intentionally hurt myself because I was trying to put some kind of focus on the pain I was feeling. I know have scars to remind me daily. I even found a picture while I was learning something new about my phone…making a movie…you have to scroll through to get the pictures you want, and yadda yadda, I found pictures of my arms.
I feel the ruminants of childhood pain. That’s what it feels like. How I felt when I was a kid. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.
Logically I understand the process, what my brain is doing. But emotionally I go through it all again.. I could try to block it out, but that never works. Never ever. So I sit here and just feel it. It is tiring, frustrating, and I beat myself up for being human. It’s like a dog chasing its tail, I cycle around and around and around….sitting on a merry-go-round stuck to a plastic horse that’s attached by a pole, spinning out of control. I can’t get off the horse, or exit the ride. The times the merry go round slows down enough for me to touch solid ground, I’m wasted, dizzy, nauseous and stumbling around like a cripple. That’s how I feel… crippled.
Two days later…..
Ok, so I stopped writing this because I typing was even too much. It’s two days later, and I needed to finish.
The episode passed. I wrote a poem, and now I’m nursing my back again.
Now I just feel numb… which is what happens. I feel nothing. Well, I feel tired. So I’m being present, and just feeling whatever it is that comes around. I’ll work through it, and move forward.
As I’m reading this post, I can see my emotions, feelings and thoughts go up and down…two days ago I was feeling like the biggest piece of shit on the planet, and now I’m feeling nothing but blandness and exhaustion. I am glad that I’m feeling better about myself in general, because that just sucks. I think I’ll spend the night in the Jeep tonight, and listen to nature. I’m staying off of social media, with the exception of my own content, and the occasional checking of my security cams. I. Have. To. Take. A. Break.