Part Deux…PAW…I’M SORRY!!!

2013: OMG…I just got home from visiting with my college advisor, and I can’t start school for another three months…I was sooooooo upset.  Frustrated, crying…panic attack…(another story)…..feeling completely worthless and alone.  I wanted someone to listen…

Then I sat down on my bed, moved a lamp over to the other side, plugged in my phone…basically trying to distract myself from the obvious.  Which was….it is not the end of the world.  Really????  What???  It’s not?  That’s the way I felt…then I started feeling like EVERYTHING was wrong…WHEN IT ISNT.

THEN, I started looking back on my life and how I reacted to things.  And WOW…there were a couple of times, sans alcohol, that I really didn’t/couldn’t think clearly. After re-reading my CKF information that I have, I realized a lot of things.  Things I wish I had known before, and things I wish I had had support with, and understanding.  I sooo want to give and treat others like I want to be treated…

This is much more difficult than I had expected it to be.  Really being emotionally healthy, and staying in recovery, is work…work that I want to do, believe me. But I am learning so much that I wasn’t aware of before.

Please be patient with me.

I love you.

Success! You're on the list.

Definition of PAW, Post Acute Withdrawal can be found HERE via the Betty site.

keywords: paw, post acute withdrawal, mental health, relapse


Success! You're on the list.

Head on over to my other socials via my Linktree here. Thanks for joining!

I have been going through this “thing”, ever since I whole heartily decided to change. The change I’m sure will be lifelong, because that’s the way life is, always changing.  I just want to do my best at all times. The challenge with that scenario is that I am HUMAN, and I have a wide range of emotions.  And right now I’m pissed. Probably for unrealistic reasons, but I’m still pissed.  I am allowed to feel.  It’s how I handle those feelings that determines the outcome.

Right now I feel unimportant.  I know that is not the case, because God loves me, and that’s all I really need.  But I am still on this big round thing we live on, and I am still affected by what others do.  It will pass, and I will get thicker skin with time, but right now it would be nice to have a living breathing human being to talk to.  I don’t have that at this point, so I attack my keyboard, and spew these feelings.

I’ve always been helped by what they call talk therapy.  (Psychotherapy)  Talking to someone who will listen works wonders for me.  Sometimes I just need a hug…or an ear.  And that’s ok. For the longest time I have felt that it is a weakness to show weakness.  I thought I had to be strong all the time, for everyone. In being “strong” I denied myself the chance to be human.  Sometimes it’s good to be strong for others, and I want to. I want to be there for those I love. Always.  It’s just that in the quiet times, it’s not always easy to be strong, and I fall apart.  I do my best to be positive, but sheeeeit….sometimes I just need to let the walls down and have a good cry. Or a good talk, or go to someone who can support me…I mean physically/emotionally …It’s good to have living breathing human acknowledgment, especially from those you love, and from those that say they love you.  Everyone is different, some want or need more support than others (if it’s healthy, and not co-dependent) .  Others don’t…it’s all ok either way.  I think what’s important is that we just TRY to be there for each other.  Life is going to throw enough ups and downs at me, so it’s good to know that I know that I know who’s got my back.  I hope and pray I have told my peeps that I will always be there for them as well.


I believe that the “forces of evil” will use my weakness to throw me off track, if I let them.  Fear, doubt, insecurity….those are all of no good. They cause nothing but problems and create more of the same.

I find that each day I am getting stronger, but like life, I must rest.  I am tired right now and want to cuddle…LOL…when I’m tired, I become vulnerable to those weaknesses that I work so hard to fight.  This is a journey, learning process…with time things will move to smoother waters, this I know with my whole heart.

Right now, I’m just tired and need that support.  A soft place to fall.

Reposted from 2013. It seems that I’m the same person, yet different.



photo of hand with dark paint
Photo by Elīna Arāja on

Keywords: acknowledgment, emotional, trauma, pain, mental health

I almost said “I hate”.

crop unrecognizable person showing middle finger in darkness

I almost said ”I hate”.

2023: The emotions in this post are what I’ve been feeling the last few days. The financial situation is still thread bare, but I am not unable to pay my rent. I have a lot of blessings, and another due in May… so excited for that. I want to be the best I can be for my family…and I’m climbing up out of the recent pit I’ve been in. I see how this stuff cycles. I don’t like it, but there’s nothing I can do to change it.

2017: So I’m siting here in my chemical romance, looking at my babies all sleeping and chill. It’s been impossible to miss any doses of my meds, because then I’m in a bad way. I guess I should be thankful that I’m not crouching on the floor in a blubbering, dissociated, mess, on the phone with EMS or crisis, thinking that I’m going to die. Earlier, Linkin did his first at home alert today…panic attack started and he got up and walked across the room, and was right there in front of me putting his paw on me and licking me. Not bad for a 3.5 month old….Anyway…I’m going through the motions of debilitating fear, uncontrollable anxiety, and a few other unhealthy thoughts. I don’t really like to blab on here about stuff due to the stigma of mental illness and trauma, but I’m doing it anyway. My therapist does not want me to work because I need to be in therapy more, and need to be able to at least attempt to get some sort of grip on all of this. My attorney feels somewhat the same, but knows what happens…which isn’t enough. He is working on my case and is 100% positive I will work out in my favor, but the process goes at a snails pace.

So why am I sharing all of this? I don’t really know. There is a dark underbelly of sticky, smelly, gangrenous slime that is hidden behind every day of someone suffering from trauma. “You don’t look sick” is my favorite comment that I get. No…I don’t. Most don’t show it to the general public. There is too much shame involved with being sick. Our society feels as though if they can’t “see” the illness on a person, then it’s not really validated.

Here’s my reality.1)..I can’t pay my rent, because when I work full time, my body shuts down, and just stops working. So that puts me in a situation like today, with me wondering where I’m going to live. I am working on some resolutions for that, but all parties need to agree in order for it to work.
2)..I am terrified to leave my house. Why?….I don’t know how to explain it other than I am in fear of my life all the time. Is that a rational thought process? Probably not. But my brain is wired different since everything, and it’s like I get to climbing up out of the hole, just to get knocked back down when I reach the top.
3)..I’m constantly anxious and hyper vigilant. I see a certain color truck, and have flashbacks. I smell a certain scent, and have a barrage of not so fun memories come flooding back. I see a hotel room, and have a flashback of being held down and raped. I want those images in my head to be put in a huge pile and burned in a bonfire. I want something tangible for the pain, so at least maybe I can get some control over it.
4)..I do have a faith in God. I pray. I read my devotions. But I don’t expect something unrealistic. I can get some peace sometimes, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful for my adorable grandbaby and my children (who aren’t children anymore). I know I have been blessed with good things.

Today is hard, like yesterday and the day before. The fear of the unknown for every day living, is too much sometimes. I don’t want to be on the pharma train….no fricken way. But if I didn’t have it right now, I’m not certain how I would handle life….if that’s what you call handling it.

Wish me luck…ugh

I almost said “I hate”.
Photo by Leah Kelley on

Keywords: linktree, therapist, trauma, attorney, snails pace, anxiety, hyper vigilant, rape

Success! You're on the list.

Visit all my socials via my Linktree here. Thanks for signing up!

A little “broncy”

Success! You're on the list.

Visit my poetry page and YouTube via this safe link…(my Linktree).

Photo by Pixabay on

I was reading in this little NIV bible I got at a youth rodeo a couple summers ago–this morning–and the commentary from James Gholson was that sometime during his life, he got a little “broncy”.  I chuckled because I’ve been there…except I would call myself A LOT “broncy”.  No matter what I did, I wasn’t going to listen to God and I was buckin….ears back, kickin and stomping …. the whole way. If you have ever seen a horse do that, you know what I mean.

Recently I have been off work on short term disability, and yesterday was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve been seeing a medical doc, therapist, a psychiatrist, and now a rheumatologist. He explained a lot of what’s been going on with my body.  Which hasn’t been cooperating for the last five years, at least.  I have been suffering the effects of ptsd and panic disorder quite a bit recently, and with the help of my therapist, I am realizing that I have not dealt with the rape, break-in and abuse.  Duh. Go figure.  Me not deal??  LOL.

A little “broncy”

Yesterday I made a decision that I’m going to spend the rest of whatever years I have left, managing myself mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically…in a much better manner.  I think as life moves forward, we say that a lot.  “I’m going to do better, I’m going to not to this or not do that.  I’m going to …” you fill in the blank.  I am guilty of that. But I believe that life is that way, so we can grow, which seems like common sense, and in hind sight, it is.  My rheumatologist told me to do whatever type of exercise I can handle and that I enjoy.  Well, I hate going to the gym…it’s boring.  But I love to train and ride horses.  And that’s ok for me to do.  I am very thankful and blessed to have a friend that is letting me train her rescue colt, and ride him.  I pay for it, physically, but the pain is worth the pleasure and the wholeness that it gives my soul.  I know God is working in my life….which is weird.  I have known that God HAS worked in my life, but I consciously feel like I can see it at the present time.  I feel like a dork…because I should have “seen” it before.  I’m stubborn though… 

I may not have a lot of money, I may not drive the newest vehicle, or live in the big fancy house, but that doesn’t matter.  When I go, I can’t take all those things with me. I’m finding that comfort zone…some may not agree on how I handle that zone, but that’s not their decision, nor is it their business.  Some will and are judging me, but again…go ahead. Like I’ve said before…if you have nothing better to do than talk about me or judge my life, then go ahead…and here….let me give you something else to talk about….…

I am feeling very blessed and grateful right now.

This is a repost from 2013. I vaguely remember this time. I have since had the RA diagnosis removed, and they added fibromyalgia, osteopenia, and spinal stenosis. The latter being within the last month. Kinda sucky if you ask me, and I’m not dealing with it well.

I re-read my own blog because it started as a therapy tool, and it’s important to see how far I’ve come, how far I fall, and how far I pull myself back up again.

It’s tough some days, but I’m still here.



Keywords: broncy, spinal stenosis, fibromyalgia, osteopenia

Like it or not, here I am.

I’m sharing this post from 2014, because I started this blog as a therapy tool. For me, it’s important to understand and learn from my experiences, and try to move forward. This may sound bad, but I can’t remember exactly which hospital I was in… but I believe in was in the western part of the state.

Journaling has been one of the best ways for me to articulate trauma, and try to understand the symptoms of it. Also, this past year I picked up poetry as a way to process. I find that poetry is amazing. Some of my work is dark though, but I’m ok with that.

(My poetry can be found via Medium on my Linktree HERE)

2014: I’m back in the hospital again, to try to get straightened out. I felt a crash and burn coming on, and this time I actually scared myself. I was really angry.  I still am angry, which is something I have never felt to this extent before.  I see that this is something that is going to affect my life permanently.  I lose jobs, that I enjoy and find rewarding, I cry and hide in the night, finding that my mind is lost in the confusion of the trauma.  This time I have also lost time. Periods of time are missing.  That’s scary.  I know in my heart that I am a good person, but it seems that I can only do one thing at a time.  But right now I feel damaged and broken.

Oh, and my new shrink wants me to journal.  EVERY DAY…lol…so here we go.

To be continued.

keep me in your prayers, cuz God knows I need them.

Success! You're on the list.

Check out my YouTube, or my poetry via my Linktree, here. Just click on any highlighted or underlined word.

“Why”…should I live.

This may ramble a bit…

I was born.  (No sh*t Sherlock)

I was sent to live with my Grandparents  (my “Parents” for all intense purposes).  Which in reflection was a good thing.

My biological mother, for one reason or another, could not care for me.  There are conflicting stories as to why she couldn’t care for me, but that was then, and I have no way to validate those stories for myself, so I’ve just accepted it as what it is; I lived with my Grandparents until the approximate age of 8-ish.

Then the shit-storm began…as I like to call it.

My Mother showed up at my Grandparents house, and said that I was going to come back and live with her and her boyfriend.  (Please keep in mind that these are my perceptions, from what fragments of memory I have not blocked out…mostly feeling driven I’m sure.) Um.. OK.

(Young child (Me) feels alone, scared, anxious.  I did not have words for these feelings at the time.)

Living with Mom was…different.  Completely opposite of living with my Grandparents. Totally opposite to be exact. Mom was free, loud, laughed loud a lot, and slept a lot.  I remember enrolling myself into grade school one time.  Which really wasn’t doing anything because staff could see that I clearly couldn’t “enroll myself”.  (In reflection).

“Why”…should I live.

I remember we lived in Silver Spring, Maryland.  I went to Connecticut Park Elementary School.  I was allowed to walk everywhere, for the most part.  One time I remember living in a “green house with a huge yard” and we had a really pretty Irish Setter named Seamus. (My mom’s bf was born in Belfast Northing Ireland..and he could speak Gaelic.)  We would go to “CB breaks.(???)” at this local establishment that was located in a strip mall about three minutes from our house.  We kids would run around and play…(not sure what, I can’t remember) and the adults would do the adulting.  One day, ( I have no dates..just these memories) my mom somehow heard the sirens, or maybe she heard it on the HUGE ham radio we had down in the basement…anyway, she heard there was a shooting in the establishment we used to go to for the CB Breaks.  So she put me in the car and we drove to the strip mall and she marched right up there to the police and whoever else was there, and started talking to them.  She told me to stay put, on the other side of the firetruck. I remember her telling me someone had gotten shot. I also remember thinking that inherently I knew there was a body on the other side of the firetruck, and did I want to see it??  I did.  So I knelt down on my hands and knees and peeked under the firetruck so I could see the body of the man that had been shot. They had him covered with a white sheet, but in my memory I could see his long grey hair and boots, and an arm sticking out. He was dead.  (Clearly, duh).   Anyway, I digress.

Most weekends I spent with my Grandparents much to my happiness.  (I’ve only found out in the recent years that I was only allowed to go visit them if they paid my Mom some money. I don’t know if this was every weekend, but that is what I was told.)  On the weekends I went with my Grandparents I would go to the stables and spend all day there. My patient Grandfather would bring his lawn chair and sit while I did whatever I wanted with my horse and the other kids that were there.  So many many fond memories there at Shadybrook Stables in McClean,Virginia.  I LOVED it there.  Then Sunday would arrive and I would have to go back to my Mom’s house and I remember feeling physically sick on those days.  Literally.  I know now it was anxiety, but at the time all I know is that I felt horrible.

So I went to a junior high called…something. I can’t remember.  Wheaton??  Hold up, let me check Google.  Holy crap….it was Belt Junior High in Silver Spring, Maryland.  Wheaton would have been the high school I went to if we had stayed in Maryland.  Upon my Google search…I found that my grade school (Connecticut Park Elemetary) had been turned into an adult learning center, and there was a proposal to reopen it as a grade school in 2006.  That’s just a sidenote..I found while searching for my junior high…again…I digress.

Success! You're on the list.

So to get back on track….I went to visit my grandparents one weekend, and when we got back, our whole house was packed into a U-Haul, and we literally left at that moment and drove to Kansas.  We moved to Hutchinson, then to Inman, where I attended high school.

At some point my mom and her husband, (they had gotten married by then) seperated, and subsequently divorced.  I was a sophomore in hight school at the time. (They would have loud, physical fights.)  I don’t know the reason for the divorce, just that they split.  My mom at that time had a social life, and I could, for the most part, do what I wanted.  Although Mom slept, and I remember cleaning the house before friends came over, and Mom did give me a curfew to follow, which I did because she was very strict.

I started drinking when I was 16, and boy did that relax me. I had a routine during the week, and then on the weekends we (me and friends, etc) would go “out” and cruise main and drink beer.  On one particular weekend…not sure when or what time of year it was, me and a friend decided to drive to Colorado to visit some of her friends that were there.  We made it to “the party” where I was raped for the first time.  I lost my virginity with this rape.  I thought it was my fault because I was there and partying with everyone.  All I remember is I kept telling him “no” and he just held me down and penetrated me anyway. I remember closing my eyes and laying still and trying not to think about what was happening to me.  I was on the floor in someone elses room, and didn’t know at the time that another guy was “asleep” in the bed.  Not real sure on the happenings after that, just that we drove home the next day.  Goodbye to my virginity that night.

I moved out the weekend I graduated from high school.  Married my daughters father, had my beautiful daughter, and got divorced.  Got into an abusive relationship; got out…then married my son’s father and had my handsome son.  Got divorced from my son’s father….that’s a long story for another post.  Then I got into another abusive relationship…then got out of it.  This had become somewhat of a trend, even though I tried so hard NOT to do it.  I was in another abusive relationship, again, and was raped and beaten.  Again, I got out.  Fast forward to 2006-7 and I found myself, you guessed it, in another abusive relationship.  And yes, you guessed it, I was raped again by this man.  When I left that relationship…he didn’t handle it very well.  He stalked me, beat me up, and ended up breaking into the house to come after me.   At that point my life just started to go to shit.  I lost everything…house, cars, horses, jobs.  I couldn’t function anymore.  (For those than don’t know, you CAN be raped within the boundaries of a “relationship”.)

This leads me to today.  I have PTSD/CPTSD, fibromyalia, inflammatory arthrithis, social anxiety, major depression, BPD, APD, suicidal thoughts, and have been hospitalized five times in the psychiatric ward of four different hospitals.  It’s hard to function day to day.  Things will go well for a couple of months, then something happens and I have a breakdown.  I’ve managed to get up, but each time is harder than the last.  My last visit was in 2018 and I had a plan to end my life.  That scared me.  It scared me that I didn’t care or want to be alive anymore.   When I called the crisis line I told her that I had a plan and she said that if I didn’t come into the office, she was calling the police to do a welfare check.  So I got in my car and thought “I can just swallow these pills, and by the time I get there it won’t matter anymore.)  I was on my way and didn’t have any water in the car.  That was the ONLY reason I didn’t swallow all of that medication.  Upon arriving at the office of my therapist, the clinician I met with immediately “suggested” that I go to the hospital.  (I say suggested because if I had said no, she was going to involuntarily admit me.)

It was a good stay.  They changed my medications, and I was released after four days.

Why is this my “Why”?

My “Why”?  Why, because I am a human being, and I know there are other women out there who have been through something similar or the same as myself.  I NEED something that makes me feel worthwhile and like I mean something.  When we share our story, it could help another person.  I need to feel like I’m not alone.  (Which is hard sometimes, I’ll admit.)  I need to feel pretty, and loved, and validated.  We all need that.  I want that in everything I do…

I have since learned that spending time out in nature, away from people and around animals, helps me a lot. Some days I can’t get out of my funk, no matter what, but that’s the way it goes. I’ve turned my 24 year old jeep into a mini camper, with a solar panel and generator, sink, and I can stay out in my little campsite that I found, in my horses summer pasture. It REALLY helps.

I share this all because I need to, I have to, I want to. I hope it helps someone else.



Click HERE to get to my Linktree and all my other socials.

Keywords: rape, bpd, mdd, depression, suicide

I made my 1st sourdough loaf!!

Success! You're on the list.

This has been something that I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I have celiac, and for some reason sourdough doesn’t bother my gut as bad as regular store bought bread. Not sure why, but that’s the case. Plus I love the taste of it. Grilled cheese on sourdough is absolutely AMAZING.

It did take me THREE tries to get the starter going. The first two times I think I put in too much water and not enough flour. So the third time, I increased the flour, and decreased the water. I also used well water, not city water. I want to note that the second loaf I tried to make, I used tap water, and it flopped. I’m still going to use the dough to make flat bread, because I hate to waste things.

Anyway, it’s just an accomplishment and there’s something about eating food that you have made yourself, or grown that is satisfying. On top of the fact that there are so many preservatives and things sprayed on food bought in the store. I have to buy organic…which is hard to do on a fixed income. But when I veer off and eat something that is full of processed sugars, or junk in general, it affects every part of my body, including increasing my depression cycles.

So…that’s all this post is about, my final success at sourdough! I didn’t really measure….I can estimate fairly well, as I used to cook all the time when I had a family.

I hope you all have a great sunday!



Photo by Pixabay on

Keywords: sourdough, recipe, measure, depression cycle, sourdough starter

I am sitting here on my pity pot today. Also, guess what day it is? Yep, 4/20.

Success! You're on the list.

Good morning, or afternoon….

Spent the night at the ranch in my #jeepminicamper, enjoyed a great thunderstorm and realized I need to NOT leave the window open without my screens on…I shooed out a zillion flies before the storm. Isn’t there something that says lots of flies arrive before rain? Well I found all of them…at least that’s what it seemed like.

The other night I was looking for something to eat…and found a box of Mac and cheese that I had gotten from the food bank. (Yes, I’ll admit, sometimes I go to the food bank…. Living on a fixed income is hard some months.). Anywho, I fixed that box of Mac and Cheese, and took a bite, and thought I was going to throw up. It has to have been the nastiest thing I’ve tasted in a long time. I put the rest in the freezer in case I have nothing else to eat.

Yesterday I worked on the camper for a while, and re-injured the disc in my lower back. So now I’m back to doing nothing, ice heat, and tens unit. And I’m upset, crying, frustrated, thankful, all of it all at once.

I am sitting here on my pity pot today. Also, guess what day it is? Yep, 4/20.

I’m supposed to see a neurologist in the beginning of May, if I can get my car running…the check engine light came on, and I took it to my son (who is a master mechanic) to read the codes, and it showed a piston 1 misfire. Which is probably just a spark plug issue. I hope so, the ole girl has 270,000 miles on her. Right now I stick to only going to do chores, and the store only when I have to.

Money is tight, I’m cutting back as much as I can. I have to make Zoey’s food, and yes, I get food benefits, of $128 a month, and a lot of that goes to her, because of her development of food allergies. (Chicken, eggs, corn, soy, wheat, salmon, and any type of byproduct of those ingredients. Which if you look in the dog food kibble ingredients, you will find all or some of those.) I’m not proud of that, but there’s nothing else I can do at this point. So I cook things that I can eat as well as Zoey.

On to that…I am on disability…I’m not a dependable employee anymore due to mental health issues. I’ve talked about those before on this blog. I went through, and still go through times where I feel like I’m a useless pile of bones covered in skin. This is not how I wanted it to be, I wanted to finish my degree and take care of people. But symptoms became uncontrollable, and it affected my ability to function on a daily basis. My therapist referred me to their attorney for the process of disability. Which took two years from the time he took my case, to the judge’s decision. The only way I am able to afford my rent, is because I also have a HUD subsidy that pays for half of it. I have low income energy assistance, food benefits, subsidized housing, and a 24 year old car.


Would I love to change that? Yes. So I’m trying to do whatever I can using my computer.. What I’ve found is that if you want to make money fairly quickly, (like within a year), you have to HAVE money to invest in training, hosting for a website, and at least $500 a month for advertising. $500 is half of what the government sends me for my monthly disability benefit. So needless to say, I’m not going the “fast” route. I’m trying to do it all organically, and learn as I go. I’m really enjoying my YouTube channel, and interacting and sharing what brings me peace.

At this point in my life peace is all I want.

I cannot handle any type of trauma, stress, dysfunction or cruelty. Although am not afraid of a confrontation, and will defend myself, my family and friends, I steer clear of it if I get any red flags.


I guess I’m not really on my pity pot, just all up in my feelings. Frustrated with my physical issues, because there is no cure, it’s degenerative, and things are running through my mind… like if I’m ever going to ride again…which I will…but it scares me because I knew exactly what I did yesterday to cause this flare up…which means that I have to baby things. Like don’t bend a certain way, which is exactly what I did yesterday trying to lift this wooden bench I made, and that’s when I re-injured myself.

I’m not used to not being able to do what I want to do…but I guess it is what it is.

Happy Thursday and thanks for listening. I know there are many blessings in my life, and I count them everyday and include those people that are my blessings, in my prayers.




Keywords: humble alternative, humble collective, hemp, pity pot, feelings, blessings, prayer, #jeepminicamper

I was surfing the net the other day and read an article on “magic mushrooms” and the 1 psychedelic compound that occurs in them, being used in treating mental health disorders.

close up shot of a fly agaric mushroom
I was surfing the net the other day and read an article on “magic mushrooms” and the 1 psychedelic compound that occurs in them, being used in treating mental health disorders. Magic mushrooms and mental health

I was surfing the net the other day and read an article on “magic mushrooms” and the psychedelic compound that occurs in them, being used in treating mental health disorders.

Then I looked up ongoing studies for them, and thought…”Sign me up!!” I found some, but they weren’t recruiting, weren’t open yet, or were closed . I’m going to keep looking.

Not just because I want to get high…I don’t like being high, and have NEVER tried anything that creates hallucinations, or the such. I’ve had one experience with hallucinations, from an adverse reaction to a medication, and I did NOT like it. But I’m willing to try almost anything to help with my mental health struggles. Which lately have been a little bitch.

A news release from John Hopkins states “Previous studies by Johns Hopkins Medicine researchers showed that psychedelic treatment with psilocybin relieved major depressive disorder symptoms in adults for up to a month. Now, in a follow-up study of those participants, the researchers report that the substantial antidepressant effects of psilocybin-assisted therapy, given with supportive psychotherapy, may last at least a year for some patients.” Sourced from here.

This is a big deal to me, because it’s shows a plant, helping. It is fungus…a mushroom, and it helps with psychiatric diagnoses. The reason behind my excitement is drawn directly from serious adverse reactions to psych meds, that landed me in the ER, more than once.

(Search my site here.)

In 2019 I had a gene sight test done, to see what medications would “work” for me. Aside from learning about the MTHFR C677T polymorphism, that test has been about 90% incorrect. But, when reading it, completely, which can be mind numbing, it contradicts itself in those findings, about medication compatibility. “Rolls eyes”….imagine that. It’s says in one section that I can take certain meds, then in another section that I could have reactions to those same meds.

So, I’m basically always looking for a natural way to help my depression and ptsd symptoms. I currently take cbd, and d-9 hemp gummies to help now. Those are the only ones that are legal in my back-ass-wards state. But they help, so I take them. I only take one psych medication for breakthrough episodes. It is technically a benzo, but it’s the only one I can take, that really helps with both anxiety and depression. Yes, for me Xanax has small antidepressant properties. It’s not because it makes me feel high or euphoric, because it doesn’t feel like that.. I can’t explain why, but it helps, and it doesn’t always have the same affect every time. It only really helps during really bad times when my symptoms are overwhelming. It can make me sleepy, but doesn’t always. Here’s a publication on alprazolam helping with MDD. I don’t take very many, because there is a chance of intolerance, but as of late, I haven’t shown any symptoms of that occurring. I do have a diagnosis of MDD, along with some others.

Back to Shrooms…..the study stated as follows: “All 24 participants attended all follow-up visits through the 12-month timepoint. Large decreases from baseline in GRID-HAMD scores were observed at 1-, 3-, 6-, and 12-month follow-up (Cohen d = 2.3, 2.0, 2.6, and 2.4, respectively). Treatment response (⩾50% reduction in GRID-HAMD score from baseline) and remission were 75% and 58%, respectively, at 12 months. There were no serious adverse events judged to be related to psilocybin in the long-term follow-up period, and no participants reported psilocybin use outside of the context of the study. Participant ratings of personal meaning, spiritual experience, and mystical experience after sessions predicted increased well-being at 12 months, but did not predict improvement in depression.” Cited directly from this source.

They’ve been doing research on this for over 20 years. (I’m thinking about my post on the Covid vaccinations now…) And state that any significant findings are going to be found in the long term studies, and warn people to not go off eating mushrooms on their own. (Hmmmmmm…….so any significant findings and results won’t be “legit” until AFTER many many years of study. This should apply to everything, but I digress.)

There’s got to be something natural out there that can help. I have found ketamine treatments, and was signed up to get them, but my insurance didn’t cover it, and I couldn’t afford $400 a pop at least 4 times a month. (I’lll do another post on that later. ) I’ve talked with my therapist about ECT treatments as well, because it’s gotten so bad that I’m willing to shock my brain to get relief. (I haven’t done it yet, and it’s not like the old days, where a person feels it. They sedate you, and it’s pain free.)

Off to look for open shroom studies! 😁


I was surfing Magic mushrooms and mental health
Photo by Alexas Fotos on

Trippy mushroom art, trippy mushroom drawing, types of mushrooms to eat, psychedelic mushrooms helped pro surfer, surfer koa smith overcome depression

Reminder of my campaign to 1000, also I’ve changed my email provider, so if you could please subscribe, I would be SO APPRECIATIVE.

As I’m building this organically, I depend on you guys to subscribe, like, follow and turn on notifications.

So would you please consider signing up?

Here’s the way to do it:

Success! You're on the list.

Thank you!!!



Reminder of my campaign to 1000, also I’ve changed my email provider, so if you could please subscribe, I would be SO APPRECIATIVE.