I was reading in this little NIV bible I got at a youth rodeo a couple summers ago–this morning–and the commentary from James Gholson was that sometime during his life, he got a little “broncy”. I chuckled because I’ve been there…except I would call myself A LOT “broncy”. No matter what I did, I wasn’t going to listen to God and I was buckin….ears back, kickin and stopping…. the whole way. If you have ever seen a horse do that, you know what I mean. J
Recently I have been off work on short term disability, and yesterday was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve been seeing a medical doc, therapist, a psychiatrist, and now a rheumatologist. He explained a lot of what’s been going on with my body. Which hasn’t been cooperating for the last five years, at least. I have been suffering the effects of ptsd and panic disorder quite a bit recently, and with the help of my therapist, I am realizing that I have not dealt with the rape, break-in and abuse. Duh. Go figure. Me not deal?? LOL.
Yesterday I made a decision that I’m going to spend the rest of whatever years I have left, managing myself mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically…in a much better manner. I think as life moves forward, we say that a lot. “I’m going to do better, I’m going to not to this or not do that. I’m going to …” you fill in the blank. I am guilty of that. But I believe that life is that way, so we can grow, which seems like common sense, and in hind sight, it is. My rheumatologist told me to do whatever type of exercise I can handle and that I enjoy. Well, I hate going to the gym…it’s boring. But I love to train and ride horses. And that’s ok for me to do. I am very thankful and blessed to have a friend that is letting me train her rescue colt, and ride him. I pay for it, physically, but the pain is worth the pleasure and the wholeness that it gives my soul. I know God is working in my life….which is weird. I have known that God HAS worked in my life, but I consciously feel like I can see it at the present time. I feel like a dork…because I should have “seen” it before. I’m stubborn though… J
I may not have a lot of money, I may not drive the newest vehicle, or live in the big fancy house, but that doesn’t matter. When I go, I can’t take all those things with me. I’m finding that comfort zone…some may not agree on how I handle that zone, but that’s not their decision, nor is it their business. Some will and are judging me, but again…go ahead. Like I’ve said before…if you have nothing better to do than talk about me or judge my life, then go ahead…and here….let me give you something else to talk about….…
I am feeling very blessed and grateful right now. J