Acceptance and Excitement
Updated: As I re-read this post I was reminded of things from 9 years ago. Life has changed since then, because that’s what life does. I want to share everything. My friend as since passed away.
I have a friend that I’ve known for over 25 years. I love her dearly. But I have been watching her kill herself for the last few years. She has become increasingly rude and belligerent when she has been drinking, and she is miserable. She gets defensive and hateful, and there is absolutely no way to talk to her. She came over one day and I suggested that we talk, and I asked what her ideas were for working this out, and she called me stubborn, and got up and walked out of my house. As she was walking out, she told me that I think too much.
It’s so hard to come to the conclusion that I have to distance myself from anyone that is going to bring me down…or at least make my recovery harder. But man does it hurt to have to say ” I’m sorry, I can’t be around you because of your drinking”. I have tried to talk to her…tried getting angry, being nice…everything…but nothing works. She will choose her alcohol over anything and anyone. She has lost numerous relationships and even her son because of it, but refuses to face reality. She told me a few years ago “if I die tomorrow and I’m pickled, I don’t care.” When I was talking to her a few months ago, I asked her if she remembered telling me that, and she said she didn’t.
This is a new and different thing for me. First of all being so passionate about changing my own life and FINALLY realizing that I can do it and more importantly, WANTING to do it. My ways of thinking have become different, as I’m sure they will continue to do so. But what is more weird, for lack of a better word, is the undeniable feeling that I want so bad for my friend to be healthy and stop her overdrive to a painful, miserable death. I know I cannot make her do it…people do what they want.
But it simply breaks my heart…I see her and hear her breathing labored, listen to her tell me that she chokes and can’t keep a lot of food down, and that she’s really not hungry anymore. Her stomach is distended from her liver being swollen, and her face and neck are visibly swollen. My daughter noticed the signs as well. I wish there was some way to show her what her death is going to be like if she doesn’t stop. Maybe that would make her want to. The liver is a magical organ, and can repair itself if the damage isn’t permanent. I heard wonderful stories of that happening today. There is hope. I just wish she could see that hope. Instead of isolating and shutting people out. I guess I know what hopelessness feels like, and I know what it’s like to isolate. And I thank God everyday for the second chance that has been given to me to make my life better, with His help. I just wish my friend would see it too.
Something else that I’ve learned about myself in the last few weeks, is that I am not a very trusting person. Ta Da!!! Duh…it took me this long to figure that out??? I always claimed to trust unless given a reason not to…which is for the most part true. But 99% of the time, it is almost impossible for me to trust. When I started my journey, I started to FINALLY go to meetings consistantly with my B Bear, and I realized that I was missing out. Then I realized that I trusted him…which is something that kind of blind sided me. Being able to trust him, allowed me to take huge steps in my own recovery…no, I do not feel co-dependent…I firmly believe that God used my awesome B Bear to allow me to help myself. I firmly believe that if we allow ourselves, and sometimes even when we don’t know it, God will use us as he deems fit for His will to be done. I am not going to meetings with him as much these days because of distance, money, and the fact that I have a meeting place close to my house. Along with a couple other reasons, but I really miss that security I feel when I’m with him. I know someday that will change, because I also believe that we are going to be an awesome team together…not sure in what capacity, but I am sure about the potential. I’ve been shown that. But, being the human that I am, and also realizing that I am more sensitive than I wanted to admit or own, I really miss the closeness and camaraderie that I have with him when we are together.
Being sensitive…that is another thing I’m having to understand and balance. Something I’ve tried to deny for so many years. I really feel that I care deeply about others, and I love caring for others and have the ability of being able to be empathetic. To understand and really listen…I love doing that. A huge part of my own self worth is in the caring for others. I will not try to change that, because it makes me feel whole and like I am doing something worthwhile. If others don’t like it, then they can kiss my ass. 🙂 I can’t wait to finish school and really move into a new and different part of my life…being clean and able to give my all to another person. I mean really, how cool is that??