Originally published on 14 January 2023
An open letter to all the people that I have hurt in my lifetime.
I have never intentionally set out to hurt people, but none the less, I know I have still done it. Through my choices, actions, words or behavior, I know I have hurt others.
I was inexperienced, young, immature, selfish, drunk, tired, scared, unaware…. along with a host of other things. I was set in survival mode most of my life, and that affected everything I did..
I’m not trying to make excuses, I’m trying to express my understanding of my past actions. I have never felt like I was a “bad” person, but I did bad things sometimes. Nothing horrible, but as I look back, I wish I had known then what I know now.
Yes, a lot of people say that. Then quickly write off their actions. I don’t want to not take responsibility for my actions, but all I can do now is apologize.
I can look back and understand that I was born with certain personality traits, and then what I was exposed to in life help mold my mind. I have memories and feelings of how my life was, and what happened and realize that created the foundation for the future. Some things cannot be changed, a person is born a certain way. But the first 5 years mold and impact how a person is for the rest of their lives. I always remember love and care from my grandparents. When I went back and lived with my mom and future step dad, it was different. I know they loved me, but the expression of that love was different than what I had been exposed to the entirety of my life…that’s all I had to go on. The lifestyle was different, food, house, expression of feelings and emotions, communication, pretty much everything. As I look back now, I realize that was a move that altered my way of life, and changed me. I have tried to make something positive out of it, because that’s the only way I can do it.
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It changed me in that I was able to experience many different things. Different lifestyles, different activities, and different feelings.
I was an introverted child. I found a report card from either pre-school or grade school and the teacher noted that I had a hard time interacting with other kids. I remember how I felt at times, but other than that, I was just a kid. I remember “feeling” a lot. That may sound weird, but that’s how I can describe it.
Anyway, I really don’t want this post to sound like a pile of excuses, but for it to be more of an understanding. Also, this blog started as an online journal for therapy, so it’s that too. Sometimes I need to put what’s in my head out on “paper”, it helps me to process things.
Not a very exciting post, I know. So if you’ve read this far… thanks and I’m sorry at the same time. LOL.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
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