Category Archives: addiction

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Happiness, sadness, nothingness…weirdness

Current update: I started this blog post a couple of days ago, during a time when I was having a meltdown, for lack of a better word. I had it set to publish, but somehow my brain clocked back into “logical” mode, and it put it back in drafts.

Most of the time during a crisis, I absolutely can’t think straight, and I make decisions when I shouldn’t, when I’m “intoxicated” with a certain emotion. At the time of beginning this post, I was REALLY sad, right now, I’m just tired, and sort of numb. The sadness isn’t as overwhelming, and I was able to see through the fog, and realize for a split second that “this too shall pass”.

I don’t know what caused this meltdown. But I’m beginning to see a sliver of light, and that’s telling me that it’s coming back around and coming to an end. I feel dumb occasionally because I feel like I’m to self absorbed and get in this rut and the only thing I can focus on is not going to the hospital. It’s frustrating.

But I wanted to add to this post, before I published, so that if there’s others going through the same type of thing, to not give up…I was able to spend time with my new grand baby yesterday, and that lifts my soul like no other. I also just jumped on my horse and had a quick ride, which completely changes my mind set at the time.

Also, things changed very quickly with the plan to move my horse, my friend ended up not being able to take her due to personal reasons, so Sadie is staying with me, and I’m really glad for that, but also hoping that the issues that are affecting the cats, don’t cross over to her. There is no chemicals sprayed on her pasture or paddock, so prayers that everything stays good there.

Following up with my last post about why I became an addict, is the ever fluctuating range of emotions, other than pain. I’m at this moment, extremely sad. Just overwhelmed with it. I’m tired too. It’s actually kind of scary because I don’t know what crazy emotion I’m going to feel next.

One minute I’m hurting, physically hurting, the next minute I’m numb, the next I’m furious, then I’m crying, feeling heartbroken, then I’m sad, then I’m just literally nothing. I don’t remember the last time I was actually happy. Yes, I do, it was when I was riding my horse. There-in lies the stab. Having to send her back to my friends house because of environmental toxins…

I hate it. It’s hard to handle in a healthy way.

So, I’m going to do what I used to do when I was a child…I’m going to create a goal, dream or whatever you want to call it, so I can plan to go see her on the weekends. Hopefully.

Logically I know she will be ok, she might even be happier being around other horses, since they are herd animals. Although the deer would come into her pen with her and hang out.

Following up with my last post about why I became an addict, is the ever fluctuating range of emotions, other than pain. I’m at this moment, extremely sad. Just overwhelmed with it. I’m tired too. It’s actually kind of scary because I don’t know what crazy emotion I’m going to feel next.

I’m trying to not be selfish and keep her somewhere where she could possibly get sick, like three of the cats are. The vet told me it was environmental toxins (lawn fertilizer, insecticide etc). I’m trying to be preventative, instead of waiting until something happens that’s harmful.

Then, I start to think that she’s going to think I’m abandoning her. Horses remember and are sentient beings. An example is she doesn’t like men. There’s a reason for that. But I don’t want her to think that…but how do we really know what horses think? I can tell sometimes because she nickers to me, and she’s not a very talkative horse.

Blah blah….this is just another dumb post about my feelings of sadness over losing something again. That’s how I feel, like I’m losing. Losing in general, losing at life, losing at everything.

It’s the shits. I don’t recommend it.

I know this will pass, and I can’t fucking wait until it does.

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Current update: I started this blog post a couple of days ago, during a time when I was having a meltdown, for lack of a better word. I had it set to publish, but somehow my brain clocked back into “logical” mode, and it put it back in drafts.

Most of the time during a crisis, I absolutely can’t think straight, and I make decisions when I shouldn’t, when I’m “intoxicated” with a certain emotion. At the time of beginning this post, I was REALLY sad, right now, I’m just tired, and sort of numb. The sadness isn’t as overwhelming, and I was able to see through the fog, and realize for a split second that “this too shall pass”.

I don’t know what caused this meltdown. But I’m beginning to see a sliver of light, and that’s telling me that it’s coming back around and coming to an end. I feel dumb occasionally because I feel like I’m to self absorbed and get in this rut and the only thing I can focus on is not going to the hospital. It’s frustrating.

But I wanted to add to this post, before I published, so that if there’s others going through the same type of thing, to not give up…I was able to spend time with my new grand baby yesterday, and that lifts my soul like no other. I also just jumped on my horse and had a quick ride, which completely changes my mind set at the time.

Also, things changed very quickly with the plan to move my horse, my friend ended up not being able to take her due to personal reasons, so Sadie is staying with me, and I’m really glad for that, but also hoping that the issues that are affecting the cats, don’t cross over to her. There is no chemicals sprayed on her pasture or paddock, so prayers that everything stays good there.

Following up with my last post about why I became an addict, is the ever fluctuating range of emotions, other than pain. I’m at this moment, extremely sad. Just overwhelmed with it. I’m tired too. It’s actually kind of scary because I don’t know what crazy emotion I’m going to feel next.

One minute I’m hurting, physically hurting, the next minute I’m numb, the next I’m furious, then I’m crying, feeling heartbroken, then I’m sad, then I’m just literally nothing. I don’t remember the last time I was actually happy. Yes, I do, it was when I was riding my horse. There-in lies the stab. Having to send her back to my friends house because of environmental toxins…

I hate it. It’s hard to handle in a healthy way.

So, I’m going to do what I used to do when I was a child…I’m going to create a goal, dream or whatever you want to call it, so I can plan to go see her on the weekends. Hopefully.

Logically I know she will be ok, she might even be happier being around other horses, since they are herd animals. Although the deer would come into her pen with her and hang out.

Following up with my last post about why I became an addict, is the ever fluctuating range of emotions, other than pain. I’m at this moment, extremely sad. Just overwhelmed with it. I’m tired too. It’s actually kind of scary because I don’t know what crazy emotion I’m going to feel next.

I’m trying to not be selfish and keep her somewhere where she could possibly get sick, like three of the cats are. The vet told me it was environmental toxins (lawn fertilizer, insecticide etc). I’m trying to be preventative, instead of waiting until something happens that’s harmful.

Then, I start to think that she’s going to think I’m abandoning her. Horses remember and are sentient beings. An example is she doesn’t like men. There’s a reason for that. But I don’t want her to think that…but how do we really know what horses think? I can tell sometimes because she nickers to me, and she’s not a very talkative horse.

Blah blah….this is just another dumb post about my feelings of sadness over losing something again. That’s how I feel, like I’m losing. Losing in general, losing at life, losing at everything.

It’s the shits. I don’t recommend it.

I know this will pass, and I can’t fucking wait until it does.

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Happiness, sadness, nothingness…weirdness

Keywords: sad, bullshit, support, crazy, emotion, advocate for yourself, processing emotions

Photo by Elu012bna Aru0101ja on Pexels.com

Happiness, sadness, nothingness…weirdness

Keywords: sad, bullshit, support, crazy, emotion, advocate for yourself, processing emotions

Photo by Elu012bna Aru0101ja on Pexels.com
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This is why I became an addict

I am realizing, once again that life gives us opportunities to learn, experience, and process many, many things.

At the present I am going through having to move my horse back to the person from whom I got her, due to my fear that the chemicals used at the place where she is now, will affect her negatively. It is already affecting three of the cats.

With this realization, I am experiencing extreme emotional pain and I’ve been trying every way I know how, to avoid feeling that pain.

Which is how I became an addict. To avoid feeling emotional pain.

I’m sure as a child I tried to find ways to feel better, that weren’t brought on by drugs or alcohol, but starting at the age of 16, I found beer. That started a 30-ish year trend of finding something, anything, to not have to feel.

In 2019 during therapy, I found out why I did a lot of the things that I had during my lifetime. So for me to do anything other than handle this situation in a healthy way, would be a precise choice of my own. I don’t have the “luxury” of not understanding anymore.

This is why I became an addict

But let me tell you…I sure as shit want to do ANYTHING to not feel what I’m feeling right now, and I’m finding it extremely hard to not relapse. This is a first for me. I know and understand my illnesses, I understand why I became and addict, I took away all the power of the drugs (prescription) and alcohol when I understood why I was using them. BUT…I also remember how well it worked.

And right now, I’m struggling. I do not handle emotional pain well…I always do something unhealthy…right now I can’t eat without getting nauseated. So I’m not eating. That’s an eating disorder. I want to drink, but have made the decision quite a few years ago, that wanting to drink isn’t good enough for the shitty hangover the next day.

I want to abuse my pain medication, but I’ve also learned a few years ago, that abusing my pain medication is not worth the misery it puts my body through. Messed up gut, retained fluid, etc etc.

So where does that leave me? To try to deal with it. I’m not good at that because I haven’t done enough of it. So here I am spewing it all out on this blog, thinking irrationally, considering deleting Facebook, because I don’t like it. That actually isn’t such a bad idea because I like my other social media platforms better. But the problem with all of that is I’m doing all of this “thinking” under the influence of a strong emotion, and could and would probably regret it later. Maybe. Who knows. I do know that I don’t like Facebook, but it has such a large range of people, that it’s a good way to get something out there. It’s also the place where I have the most followers.

So…what to do, what to do. I could delete this site, but I’ve had it for 10 years. It always seems to be the place where I come to write about all the bullshit that I think I’m going through. I’ve started writing poetry. Sometimes it’s good, and sometimes it’s not. Either way, it’s a way for me to process what almost always seems to be emotional pain. At least a lot of it is.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel inspired, write something, publish it, and then when I’m going back and reading through the things I’ve written, I have no memory of writing them…or at least a really faint memory, like a distant dream that’s fizzing away during awakening. Not sure what that’s all about.

I’m biding time. I don’t want to do that. I want to live my time, but I’m so fucking emotional right now that I can barely function. I actually feel like I have in the past when I checked myself into the looney bin. Am I on the verge of another breakdown? I hope not. My thoughts are vacillating between feeling like I’d be better off dead, feeling guilty, feeling guilty for feeling guilty…it just goes on and on.

I’m tired.

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Keywords: emotional pain, horses, coping skills, addiction

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Part Deux…PAW…I’M SORRY!!!

2013: OMG…I just got home from visiting with my college advisor, and I can’t start school for another three months…I was sooooooo upset.  Frustrated, crying…panic attack…(another story)…..feeling completely worthless and alone.  I wanted someone to listen…

Then I sat down on my bed, moved a lamp over to the other side, plugged in my phone…basically trying to distract myself from the obvious.  Which was….it is not the end of the world.  Really????  What???  It’s not?  That’s the way I felt…then I started feeling like EVERYTHING was wrong…WHEN IT ISNT.

THEN, I started looking back on my life and how I reacted to things.  And WOW…there were a couple of times, sans alcohol, that I really didn’t/couldn’t think clearly. After re-reading my CKF information that I have, I realized a lot of things.  Things I wish I had known before, and things I wish I had had support with, and understanding.  I sooo want to give and treat others like I want to be treated…

This is much more difficult than I had expected it to be.  Really being emotionally healthy, and staying in recovery, is work…work that I want to do, believe me. But I am learning so much that I wasn’t aware of before.

Please be patient with me.

I love you.

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Definition of PAW, Post Acute Withdrawal can be found HERE via the Betty Ford.org site.

keywords: paw, post acute withdrawal, mental health, relapse

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Acknowledgment

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Head on over to my other socials via my Linktree here. Thanks for joining!

I have been going through this “thing”, ever since I whole heartily decided to change. The change I’m sure will be lifelong, because that’s the way life is, always changing.  I just want to do my best at all times. The challenge with that scenario is that I am HUMAN, and I have a wide range of emotions.  And right now I’m pissed. Probably for unrealistic reasons, but I’m still pissed.  I am allowed to feel.  It’s how I handle those feelings that determines the outcome.

Right now I feel unimportant.  I know that is not the case, because God loves me, and that’s all I really need.  But I am still on this big round thing we live on, and I am still affected by what others do.  It will pass, and I will get thicker skin with time, but right now it would be nice to have a living breathing human being to talk to.  I don’t have that at this point, so I attack my keyboard, and spew these feelings.

I’ve always been helped by what they call talk therapy.  (Psychotherapy)  Talking to someone who will listen works wonders for me.  Sometimes I just need a hug…or an ear.  And that’s ok. For the longest time I have felt that it is a weakness to show weakness.  I thought I had to be strong all the time, for everyone. In being “strong” I denied myself the chance to be human.  Sometimes it’s good to be strong for others, and I want to. I want to be there for those I love. Always.  It’s just that in the quiet times, it’s not always easy to be strong, and I fall apart.  I do my best to be positive, but sheeeeit….sometimes I just need to let the walls down and have a good cry. Or a good talk, or go to someone who can support me…I mean physically/emotionally …It’s good to have living breathing human acknowledgment, especially from those you love, and from those that say they love you.  Everyone is different, some want or need more support than others (if it’s healthy, and not co-dependent) .  Others don’t…it’s all ok either way.  I think what’s important is that we just TRY to be there for each other.  Life is going to throw enough ups and downs at me, so it’s good to know that I know that I know who’s got my back.  I hope and pray I have told my peeps that I will always be there for them as well.

Acknowledgment

I believe that the “forces of evil” will use my weakness to throw me off track, if I let them.  Fear, doubt, insecurity….those are all of no good. They cause nothing but problems and create more of the same.

I find that each day I am getting stronger, but like life, I must rest.  I am tired right now and want to cuddle…LOL…when I’m tired, I become vulnerable to those weaknesses that I work so hard to fight.  This is a journey, learning process…with time things will move to smoother waters, this I know with my whole heart.

Right now, I’m just tired and need that support.  A soft place to fall.

Reposted from 2013. It seems that I’m the same person, yet different.

✌️

Shassy

photo of hand with dark paint
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Keywords: acknowledgment, emotional, trauma, pain, mental health

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I almost said “I hate”.

crop unrecognizable person showing middle finger in darkness

I almost said ”I hate”.

2023: The emotions in this post are what I’ve been feeling the last few days. The financial situation is still thread bare, but I am not unable to pay my rent. I have a lot of blessings, and another due in May… so excited for that. I want to be the best I can be for my family…and I’m climbing up out of the recent pit I’ve been in. I see how this stuff cycles. I don’t like it, but there’s nothing I can do to change it.

2017: So I’m siting here in my chemical romance, looking at my babies all sleeping and chill. It’s been impossible to miss any doses of my meds, because then I’m in a bad way. I guess I should be thankful that I’m not crouching on the floor in a blubbering, dissociated, mess, on the phone with EMS or crisis, thinking that I’m going to die. Earlier, Linkin did his first at home alert today…panic attack started and he got up and walked across the room, and was right there in front of me putting his paw on me and licking me. Not bad for a 3.5 month old….Anyway…I’m going through the motions of debilitating fear, uncontrollable anxiety, and a few other unhealthy thoughts. I don’t really like to blab on here about stuff due to the stigma of mental illness and trauma, but I’m doing it anyway. My therapist does not want me to work because I need to be in therapy more, and need to be able to at least attempt to get some sort of grip on all of this. My attorney feels somewhat the same, but knows what happens…which isn’t enough. He is working on my case and is 100% positive I will work out in my favor, but the process goes at a snails pace.

So why am I sharing all of this? I don’t really know. There is a dark underbelly of sticky, smelly, gangrenous slime that is hidden behind every day of someone suffering from trauma. “You don’t look sick” is my favorite comment that I get. No…I don’t. Most don’t show it to the general public. There is too much shame involved with being sick. Our society feels as though if they can’t “see” the illness on a person, then it’s not really validated.


Here’s my reality.1)..I can’t pay my rent, because when I work full time, my body shuts down, and just stops working. So that puts me in a situation like today, with me wondering where I’m going to live. I am working on some resolutions for that, but all parties need to agree in order for it to work.
2)..I am terrified to leave my house. Why?….I don’t know how to explain it other than I am in fear of my life all the time. Is that a rational thought process? Probably not. But my brain is wired different since everything, and it’s like I get to climbing up out of the hole, just to get knocked back down when I reach the top.
3)..I’m constantly anxious and hyper vigilant. I see a certain color truck, and have flashbacks. I smell a certain scent, and have a barrage of not so fun memories come flooding back. I see a hotel room, and have a flashback of being held down and raped. I want those images in my head to be put in a huge pile and burned in a bonfire. I want something tangible for the pain, so at least maybe I can get some control over it.
4)..I do have a faith in God. I pray. I read my devotions. But I don’t expect something unrealistic. I can get some peace sometimes, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful for my adorable grandbaby and my children (who aren’t children anymore). I know I have been blessed with good things.

Today is hard, like yesterday and the day before. The fear of the unknown for every day living, is too much sometimes. I don’t want to be on the pharma train….no fricken way. But if I didn’t have it right now, I’m not certain how I would handle life….if that’s what you call handling it.

Wish me luck…ugh

I almost said “I hate”.
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Keywords: linktree, therapist, trauma, attorney, snails pace, anxiety, hyper vigilant, rape

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“Why”…should I live.

This may ramble a bit…

I was born.  (No sh*t Sherlock)

I was sent to live with my Grandparents  (my “Parents” for all intense purposes).  Which in reflection was a good thing.

My biological mother, for one reason or another, could not care for me.  There are conflicting stories as to why she couldn’t care for me, but that was then, and I have no way to validate those stories for myself, so I’ve just accepted it as what it is; I lived with my Grandparents until the approximate age of 8-ish.

Then the shit-storm began…as I like to call it.

My Mother showed up at my Grandparents house, and said that I was going to come back and live with her and her boyfriend.  (Please keep in mind that these are my perceptions, from what fragments of memory I have not blocked out…mostly feeling driven I’m sure.) Um.. OK.

(Young child (Me) feels alone, scared, anxious.  I did not have words for these feelings at the time.)

Living with Mom was…different.  Completely opposite of living with my Grandparents. Totally opposite to be exact. Mom was free, loud, laughed loud a lot, and slept a lot.  I remember enrolling myself into grade school one time.  Which really wasn’t doing anything because staff could see that I clearly couldn’t “enroll myself”.  (In reflection).

“Why”…should I live.

I remember we lived in Silver Spring, Maryland.  I went to Connecticut Park Elementary School.  I was allowed to walk everywhere, for the most part.  One time I remember living in a “green house with a huge yard” and we had a really pretty Irish Setter named Seamus. (My mom’s bf was born in Belfast Northing Ireland..and he could speak Gaelic.)  We would go to “CB breaks.(???)” at this local establishment that was located in a strip mall about three minutes from our house.  We kids would run around and play…(not sure what, I can’t remember) and the adults would do the adulting.  One day, ( I have no dates..just these memories) my mom somehow heard the sirens, or maybe she heard it on the HUGE ham radio we had down in the basement…anyway, she heard there was a shooting in the establishment we used to go to for the CB Breaks.  So she put me in the car and we drove to the strip mall and she marched right up there to the police and whoever else was there, and started talking to them.  She told me to stay put, on the other side of the firetruck. I remember her telling me someone had gotten shot. I also remember thinking that inherently I knew there was a body on the other side of the firetruck, and did I want to see it??  I did.  So I knelt down on my hands and knees and peeked under the firetruck so I could see the body of the man that had been shot. They had him covered with a white sheet, but in my memory I could see his long grey hair and boots, and an arm sticking out. He was dead.  (Clearly, duh).   Anyway, I digress.

Most weekends I spent with my Grandparents much to my happiness.  (I’ve only found out in the recent years that I was only allowed to go visit them if they paid my Mom some money. I don’t know if this was every weekend, but that is what I was told.)  On the weekends I went with my Grandparents I would go to the stables and spend all day there. My patient Grandfather would bring his lawn chair and sit while I did whatever I wanted with my horse and the other kids that were there.  So many many fond memories there at Shadybrook Stables in McClean,Virginia.  I LOVED it there.  Then Sunday would arrive and I would have to go back to my Mom’s house and I remember feeling physically sick on those days.  Literally.  I know now it was anxiety, but at the time all I know is that I felt horrible.

So I went to a junior high called…something. I can’t remember.  Wheaton??  Hold up, let me check Google.  Holy crap….it was Belt Junior High in Silver Spring, Maryland.  Wheaton would have been the high school I went to if we had stayed in Maryland.  Upon my Google search…I found that my grade school (Connecticut Park Elemetary) had been turned into an adult learning center, and there was a proposal to reopen it as a grade school in 2006.  That’s just a sidenote..I found while searching for my junior high…again…I digress.

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So to get back on track….I went to visit my grandparents one weekend, and when we got back, our whole house was packed into a U-Haul, and we literally left at that moment and drove to Kansas.  We moved to Hutchinson, then to Inman, where I attended high school.

At some point my mom and her husband, (they had gotten married by then) seperated, and subsequently divorced.  I was a sophomore in hight school at the time. (They would have loud, physical fights.)  I don’t know the reason for the divorce, just that they split.  My mom at that time had a social life, and I could, for the most part, do what I wanted.  Although Mom slept, and I remember cleaning the house before friends came over, and Mom did give me a curfew to follow, which I did because she was very strict.

I started drinking when I was 16, and boy did that relax me. I had a routine during the week, and then on the weekends we (me and friends, etc) would go “out” and cruise main and drink beer.  On one particular weekend…not sure when or what time of year it was, me and a friend decided to drive to Colorado to visit some of her friends that were there.  We made it to “the party” where I was raped for the first time.  I lost my virginity with this rape.  I thought it was my fault because I was there and partying with everyone.  All I remember is I kept telling him “no” and he just held me down and penetrated me anyway. I remember closing my eyes and laying still and trying not to think about what was happening to me.  I was on the floor in someone elses room, and didn’t know at the time that another guy was “asleep” in the bed.  Not real sure on the happenings after that, just that we drove home the next day.  Goodbye to my virginity that night.

I moved out the weekend I graduated from high school.  Married my daughters father, had my beautiful daughter, and got divorced.  Got into an abusive relationship; got out…then married my son’s father and had my handsome son.  Got divorced from my son’s father….that’s a long story for another post.  Then I got into another abusive relationship…then got out of it.  This had become somewhat of a trend, even though I tried so hard NOT to do it.  I was in another abusive relationship, again, and was raped and beaten.  Again, I got out.  Fast forward to 2006-7 and I found myself, you guessed it, in another abusive relationship.  And yes, you guessed it, I was raped again by this man.  When I left that relationship…he didn’t handle it very well.  He stalked me, beat me up, and ended up breaking into the house to come after me.   At that point my life just started to go to shit.  I lost everything…house, cars, horses, jobs.  I couldn’t function anymore.  (For those than don’t know, you CAN be raped within the boundaries of a “relationship”.)

This leads me to today.  I have PTSD/CPTSD, fibromyalia, inflammatory arthrithis, social anxiety, major depression, BPD, APD, suicidal thoughts, and have been hospitalized five times in the psychiatric ward of four different hospitals.  It’s hard to function day to day.  Things will go well for a couple of months, then something happens and I have a breakdown.  I’ve managed to get up, but each time is harder than the last.  My last visit was in 2018 and I had a plan to end my life.  That scared me.  It scared me that I didn’t care or want to be alive anymore.   When I called the crisis line I told her that I had a plan and she said that if I didn’t come into the office, she was calling the police to do a welfare check.  So I got in my car and thought “I can just swallow these pills, and by the time I get there it won’t matter anymore.)  I was on my way and didn’t have any water in the car.  That was the ONLY reason I didn’t swallow all of that medication.  Upon arriving at the office of my therapist, the clinician I met with immediately “suggested” that I go to the hospital.  (I say suggested because if I had said no, she was going to involuntarily admit me.)

It was a good stay.  They changed my medications, and I was released after four days.

Why is this my “Why”?

My “Why”?  Why, because I am a human being, and I know there are other women out there who have been through something similar or the same as myself.  I NEED something that makes me feel worthwhile and like I mean something.  When we share our story, it could help another person.  I need to feel like I’m not alone.  (Which is hard sometimes, I’ll admit.)  I need to feel pretty, and loved, and validated.  We all need that.  I want that in everything I do…

I have since learned that spending time out in nature, away from people and around animals, helps me a lot. Some days I can’t get out of my funk, no matter what, but that’s the way it goes. I’ve turned my 24 year old jeep into a mini camper, with a solar panel and generator, sink, and I can stay out in my little campsite that I found, in my horses summer pasture. It REALLY helps.

I share this all because I need to, I have to, I want to. I hope it helps someone else.

✌️

Shassy

Click HERE to get to my Linktree and all my other socials.

Keywords: rape, bpd, mdd, depression, suicide

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My Story

woman in purple shirt covering her face with her hand

This is a reprint from 10 years ago…sometimes I re-read my journal entries, to see if I can gauge where my head was at the time, or if I can remember why I wrote what I did.

I remember exactly this time. I know who said that to me….why I wrote what I did.

***My story is a work in progress. I was told today that I am getting sober for the wrong reasons.  This caused me to look inward to see what my motives were.  And after doing that, going to a meeting, I realized that I whole heartedly disagree with this person.

I am in recovery because I don’t like myself when I’m all f*cked up on pills or booze.  I am in recovery because I WANT to be different.  To me that’s the most important thing, that I want to change.

I started drinking when I was 16 because I found out that it numbed the pain.  It numbed the pain of knowing that my father left me when I was one year old.  It numbed the pain of my mother taking me away from my grandparents, the only security I had known since my father had left.  It numbed the pain of having a mother show back up in my life, when I didn’t know who she was.  It numbed the pain of living with her and her new husband, in a household with such different rules and ways, that I didn’t know whether I was coming or going.  It numbed the pain of being told that I was a spoiled rotten brat and that I should be ashamed of myself for loving my grandparents. It numbed the pain of moving away when I was 14, to Kansas, away from my grandparents, the only parents I had ever bonded with.  Drinking killed all that pain, and allowed me to not hurt all the time.  It allowed me to come out of my walls I had built up as a defense mechanism.  It numbed the pain when my grandfather died, a pain that to this day is just as real, and hurts just as much, as it did in  1995, when he died. Drinking numbed the pain from everything…Because of whatever reason, I found that booze made life bearable.

My Story

So I floated on, went through marriages, had two of the most awesome kids in the world, and continued to drink, every time I got hurt. It seemed like when I would trust, it would hurt, and so I drank. Then in 2008, I had a stalker with a subsequent home invasion, and wow, now I could REALLY drink to forget. Following that joyful occurence, came a DUI…nope, you guessed it.  I kept on.  Going to jail was nothing, it was just another piece of pain for me to drown with more booze.

Then in 2011 I had a really cool doctor prescribe me hydrocodone for my joint pain…how cool is that! I had an unlimited supply of pills and booze.  I could really get the numbing going on now.

I drove by an addiction treatment center everyday on the way to work.  Because I am in the medical field, I subconsciously knew that I was in trouble when it dawned on me that I couldn’t go a minute with out my pills. So, what did I do..nothing.    Until 7 January 2012 at 1730.  That day I decided I was going to go out and work on some horses that I was training.  I had finally gotten a day off, and it was nice out, so why not.  I had my bottle of pills, and stopped by the liquor store on the way to the barn. Worked the horses all day, got the sh*t kicked out of me, and decided to call it quits and go home.  Luckily, I made it home.  But not after this….Image

Image

After drinking an entire bottle of 100 proof liquor, and popping a zillion pills, I decided to drive, and this is what happened. I do not remember how it happened, just that it did, and that I woke up pinned in my car. I guessed how it happened…by the process of elimination, but the truth is I was so f*cked up, that I nearly killed myself.  I’m glad it was only trees I hit, and not another human being.

Do you think that stopped me?  No.  It took almost six more weeks for me to check myself into treatment.  I finally realized that I was headed to jail, or a dirt nap.

Went to treatment, which was one of the most awesome experiences of my life, and got out.  Only to come home to an outreached hand with pills and booze in it.  So, what did I do.  Take them, of course. The tirade of verbal bashing I got because of going to treatment was just enough for me to CHOOSE to relapse almost immediately to kill that pain as well. Notice I said choose.  It was my choice.

I subsequently left that relationship because it was doing me no good. Moved home, and started to settle down.  Then I lost my job, my apartment, and popped a bunch more pills and ended up in the hospital drinking some charcoal cr*p that made me puke. Then I passed out during a blood gas test, which supposedly hurts, but I had no clue. Where in the f*ck was my booze when I needed it. It just went with the pills.

Moved to an apartment for a month, then moved back to “home”.  At this point I was not taking any more pills.  December 2012 was the last time I took any prescription pain pills, psychotropic pills, or sleeping pills. I found a little house, and with my tax return and unemployment, moved in.

Did I stop drinking, no. I drank one last time. The next day I went to a meeting, hungover. (I had started seeing a great man, who is also in recovery.  Someone who I was sure would understand where I came from, and I finally started to go to meetings, and found that I enjoyed them.)  Then I started doing some self bashing. What in the hell was I doing. I knew deep inside that I was STILL trying to numb those pains. It was time to stop. And I’ve been doing good…but you know what I’ve noticed…is that all those feelings that I’ve been numbing for so long, are REALLY fresh at this point.  I know my skin will get thicker with time. But right now, WOW…it’s all coming back like a freakin banshee…42 years of pain.  That’s a lot for me to handle.

This morning, as I said, I was told I was staying sober for the wrong reasons.  I disagree…I’m staying sober for me, because I WANT to be sober, deal with all the pain, accept it and let it go.  All my pain that I have shoved away, and numbed with drugs, are going to be let go.  But I have to feel them first…and wow, that’s a big one.

Now is when I really am searching for that support through others that have been where I have been.  I understand the process logically, but emotionally it’s going to be work.  This I know. I just hope that those that I love, and those that love me, will at least understand that this is my battle, and I will win it. And Lord please be patient with me…I am only human.

✌️

Shassy

Keywords: addiction, mental health, popping pills, alcohol, car wreck, sober, hungover

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Continued Changes…next 4 days. Please bear with me! (Me⬅️get a grip!)

    I’m making some changes to my website over the next few days. Revamping, etc. Please be patient with me.

    These last few days have been rough. Technical difficulties, ptsd symptoms, unidentified back problem. But the highlights have been taking my myself out in nature and just breathing.

    Yesterday I worked on a new electric fence lines… posts were already up, but the deer were chewing through the line, and the fencer itself was ancient. So, I kept trudging along, getting my steps in. Whatever is wrong with my back doesn’t cause pain when I walk, just when I bend over or try to sit up. Blah blah…getting old isn’t for wussies.

    Save 35% on Your First Sundays Order
    Photo by Martin de Arriba on Pexels.com

    Just wanted to share this dog food again… it’s the ONLY dog food that my girl can eat.

    My Girl Zoey
    My Girl Zoey

    Anyway, I’m realizing that I can’t control everything… and I really shouldn’t try. I didn’t realize that I was doing that…and the tighter I’ve been trying to hold on, the less I feel like I have a grip. The ole’ “get a grip”….I’ve got mine too tight, and things are falling down around me.

    Years ago I used to be less of a “get a grip” type of person.. I’m not sure what has happened over the last few years to make me change, but I have, and now I need to work on realizing that I don’t have control.

    Continued Changes…next 4 days. Please bear with me! (Me⬅️get a grip!)

    Last year I started learning about online business. I spent that whole year learning and expanding my techy nerd status. I also learned what I want to do, and what I don’t want to do, as far as online business is concerned.

    I’ve decided to do it the old fashioned way. I don’t have the funds to run a lot of paid ads, so I’m mostly using YouTube (new channel), Instagram, Twitter, Medium and FB. I don’t do much on facebook other than cross post. Twitter and Medium is more for my poetry, and YouTube, Instagram and my blog is everything.

    If you want to access any of those other platforms, you can via THIS LINK…it’s my linktree.

    Anyway, just an update, my site is changing and I wanted to fill you in. Thanks for your support.

    ✌️

    Shassy

    PS. Here’s a short clip of some of the things I post on YouTube

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    So, what now. Up all night, tired, cranky, 0 motivation, on a scale of 0-10. 10 being the bestest ever in life. (Yes, I’m being a crybabysissybedwetter…I’ll get over it).

    adult alone autumn brick

    I’m in the cycle where I’m not sleeping normal… then I’m tired during the day. Random anxiety attacks, and over all not wanting to deal with anything social or human.

    So what. I’m sure there’s others out there going through the same thing. It’ll pass.

    Plus, I binge eat. It’s something that’s just sort of manifested that last couple of years. I’ve been working really hard to not do that…my labs came back good, except my LDL was 111. Last lab I took, it was 87.

    I can’t explain this binge eating, and it’s only with sweet stuff…over the last few weeks, I’ve done ok at not reaching for that unhealthy coping skill, but last night I fell off the wagon and ate chocolate fudge cake mix. Yea, just the mix. Well, mixed with some warm butter and water. That sounds disgusting now as I think about it, and it’s made my sick today, because it’s too much processed food, sugar and all of the things that my body isn’t used to anymore.

    So, what now. Up all night, tired, cranky, 0 motivation, on a scale of 0-10. 10 being the bestest ever in life. (Yes, I’m being a crybabysissybedwetter…I’ll get over it).

    I’ve got to get this in check. I’ve lost 14 pounds so far, and I don’t want to screw it up by getting back on the sugar shack train. Eating chocolate fudge cake batter is just stupid.

    I have a body image issue, body dysmorphia is what it’s called I think. I’ve had it my whole life, but never understood it until a few years ago. I won’t go into the details, but you can read about it here.

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    I feel guilty..which is an important note. Back in the day when I would drink a lot to cope, a lot of times because of the situation, the next day I would wake up and feel like I had committed the seven deadly sins. I felt so much guilt for how I acted while under the influence. The stupid things I did, the times that only the good Lord above saved me, when I should have been taking a dirt nap.

    The guilt is a symptom of another symptom. Addiction. I’m an addict. If I’m not careful, my go-to “drug of choice”, can and does change. Recently it’s been sweets and sugar. I’ve just transferred my addiction…to something else. I’m not drinking, abusing medication, doing illegal drugs…but I am acting like an addict.

    Maybe one or two bites of the cake batter would have been fine…but my brain goes haywire and I over do it, and binge. The next day I feel like shit, and guilty, as the spiral starts.

    This is what happens when I don’t keep an eye on my mental health. I mean I’m trying to do “the things”, and stay active, but addiction is a sneaky little bastard, and sometimes I fail.

    I don’t know right now if there was a trigger, or if it’s the moon cycle, or if I’m just going through it again. What I do know is that my body CAN NOT handle the binge. I know this.

    Jamaican Blue Mountain “The Java of Kings”
    Up all night
    Photo by Martin de Arriba on Pexels.com

    This is my favorite coffee, btw.

    Ok, so I had to add in my favorite coffee as of right now. I can’t believe how great it is. There’s a video of me somewhere doing an unboxing…I’ll try to find it to add to this post. Not that that will make you want to buy some, but you should. It’s roasted in America, shipped and packaged by a small company, and I just love it.

    Want some kopi luwak? For real? Click here.

    So, I’m doing what my shrink told me to, write about how I’m feeling and learn to be vulnerable. This is difficult sometimes. I don’t want to admit that I still struggle with addiction. But I do. Time to reset and forgive myself. I am worth it. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

    Thanks for coming to my ramblings.

    ✌️

    Shassy

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    Vibration tracks that help heal your soul

    selective focus photography of red waterlily flower in bloom

    Vibration tracks that help heal your soul

    Sound and vibration therapy uses aspects of music to improve physical and emotional health and well-being. The person being treated must be with an experienced experienced trained practitioner. Music therapy may involve:

    • listening to music
    • singing along to music
    • moving to the beat of the music
    • meditating with vibration/and or sound waves—(this is my preferred method)
    • playing an instrument

    Healing with sound is believed to date back to ancient times, when music was used in an attempt to cure mental disorders. Throughout history, music has been used to boost morale in military troops, and help people work more productively, along with many different spiritual uses. (cited from this article)

    Vibration sounds, meditation healing sounds, have all been proven to help you relax and help your body heal.

    I’ve included a link to a place where you can get those here.

    I personally like to put on headphones and just zone out with binaural beats, and let the sounds seep into my brain. It sends me into a trance like state. Pretty cool and bizarre if you have never meditated before.

    I suggest you try it… people have been healing the body WITHOUT pharma for thousands of years.

    But I’m not a big pharma fan, so there’s that.

    ✌️

    Shassy

    Vibration
    Photo by Magicbowls on Pexels.com