Category Archives: Online therapy

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Struggling with depression, anxiety, symptoms of ptsd, really sucks. The cycle is exhausting..1,2,3

Anxiety and depression clipart, vintage
Struggling with depression, anxiety, symptoms of ptsd, really sucks. The cycle is exhausting.

I’ve talked about this before, but need to talk again, because I am struggling.

This past week has been basically uneventful, with weird sleep cycles, and constant morbid thoughts. Yesterday was a good day though, and I want to mention that I have good moments, and good days. It’s not all bad. It’s just the cycle that I have a hard time with.

For example, I spent Christmas Eve with family, and thoroughly enjoyed it, and it made me feel happy and very blessed. I have the best family, and love seeing and spending time with them. In my silly utopia of a world, we all live in a huge house, on a bunch of land, with our own separate “wings”. But I digress….

On the way home though, I felt it. That dark cloud that is always hovering in the corners, waiting to come out. It arrived this morning the minute I got out of bed. I busied myself taking care of things, making my dogs food, getting my horses food warmed, running a load of laundry, and running the dishwasher. I did all of this before I left the house at 6:30am.

I put myself out in nature because it makes me feel good. But I can’t stay out there right now because I don’t have the right equipment. (I’m working on that). So I got morning chores done and came home and it just sweeps in and overtakes me. I feel like crying. I know there is no reason for this…nothing has happened, it’s not situational. It’s just a cycle.

At my last med evaluation appointment, I spoke with her about medication. I have tried many many medications, and they either don’t work, work, then quit working, or I have an allergic or adverse reaction to them.

She gave me a current script for a med that I had taken years ago, but stopped because it didn’t seem to be doing anything, and I got it filled. But as I was opening the bottle to start taking it, I had a panic attack. I believe this was because this past summer, she prescribed me another medication, I took it, and ended up in the ER, with very high blood pressure, headache, and uncontrollable vomiting. So now I’m just afraid.. afraid to try another pharmaceutical. (That wasn’t the first time I’ve ended up in the ER with a reaction from a medication. I’ve learned to listen closely to what my body says.)

Here I am today, feeling the doom and gloom coming on. My therapist wants me to continue to writing… writing whatever I feel like. Poetry, fiction, journaling, whatever.. she wants me to keep doing it.

So I am.

Thanks for listening. ✌️ And please comment if you struggle as well, and what works for you. For me it’s one day at a time, sometimes one minute at at time.

I also want to say that I’m sharing this to my Twitter account, because I know that I have some followers that struggle as well, and I want them to know that they are not alone. 💜. I will not always share my posts there, because I mostly use it for my poetry. But this one hits home for me.

Shassy

https://atomic-temporary-41308365.wpcomstaging.com/Calmerry
Struggling with Depression, anxiety, symptoms of ptsd, really sucks.
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Keywords: struggling with depression, types of depression, symptoms of depression, coping with depression, living with depression, deal with depression, struggling with depression, struggling with depression, struggling with depression

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UPDATE:Vagus Nerve. I saw a video about resetting the vagus nerve, and thought I’d think out-loud via a blog. The vegus nerve runs from top to bottom throughout your body.

picture of magic garden from fairy tales
Update: Vagus nerve. I saw a video about resetting the vagus nerve, and thought I’d think out-loud via a blog. The vagus nerve runs from top to bottom throughout your body.

**Sorry this took so long, I’ve been running twelve different directions, and reading a lot. I’ve tried to condense this down to be a shorter read, with links to some of the information I have read.**

What is the vegus nerve? It is one of 12 cranial nerves that run throughout your body, and it affects both motor and sensory functions. It helps control digestion, heart rate, breathing, cardiovascular activity and reflex reactions such as sneezing. It comes from the Latin word “wandering” because it basically wanders from top to bottom throughout your body. It helps regulate your immune system, helps control the fight or flight response, inflammation in response to disease.

“It has four main functions: sensory, special sensory, motor and parasympathetic.” (Cited from this trusted source). It has a back and front (dorsal and ventral). Cues are activated along these during neuroception during times of safety, or times of, what you may perceive as danger. Safety cues are activated through the ventral, and danger cues are activated through the dorsal side.

“According to the Polyvagal theory, the vagus nerve is the key phylogenetic substrate that supports efficient emotion recognition for promoting safety and survival. Previous studies showed that the vagus nerve affects people’s ability to recognize emotions based on eye regions and whole facial images, but not static bodies. “ (Cited from this trusted source.)

The vegus nerve can get out of whack, to explain it easily. It’s the longest cranial nerve running from the base of the brain, down to the colon. Damage to the vegus nerve can affect cardio function, or anything else that it helps to regulate. There’s a lot of other info via this trusted source, if you would like to read more from that publication.

https://atomic-temporary-41308365.wpcomstaging.com/cbd/

So as I’m reading all of this, and researching, what I’m understanding is this. If you ever get a gut feeling, your vagus nerve is involved, if you are ever in a traumatic situation, your vagus nerve is deciding which emotion, or feeling is going to be sent to the brain. In my case, I had a home invasion. During the actual event, I was feeling anxiety and fear. How this affects my diagnosis of ptsd, I believe is relevant. The brain tells the body what to do, but the body has built in survival mechanisms…one being this cranial nerve. But it’s been years since the home invasion….so is my vagus nerve still reacting? I believe the answer is yes. In the moment, the body defaults to survive. But the brain remembers the trauma, and it’s chemical makeup in changed after trauma. So during times when I have episodes of flashbacks, or anxiety, I believe the brain sends fight or flight signals to the vagus nerve, which can then cause physical manifestations of the original trauma. Elevated heart rate, nausea, rapid thoughts.

This also applies to a persons ability to empathetic. Good things come from the vagus nerve.

“However, sometimes we do not receive this care and love in our relationships. Relational trauma impair our trust in others and, like all traumatic events is held in the body and is often maintained as dysregulation of the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The ANS is the part of your nervous system that manages how you respond to stress. In addition, the ANS also helps you to find healthy relaxation into a felt experience of safety. All of this is directly related to the tone and health of your vagus nerve.” (Cited directly from this trusted source from Dr. Arielle Schwartz.)

So now that I’ve done this research, in layman’s terms, this cranial nerve can directly impact your emotion, physical well being, and correlate happy and sad events. Traumatic events, being in love, how we are going to respond, if we have symptoms of ptsd, ect. So that can explain my question to myself, below, can trauma, ect cause damage. Yes it can. It rewires things sometimes.

How can we repair our vagus nerve. I’m including a link here to explain all of that. Alternating nasal breathing, going out in nature. (I do this, it works), changing your diet to unprocessed Whole Foods. (Here’s a link to start changing your diet). I have changed my diet, to nothing processed. Nothing. Processed foods make me feel bad, and cause autoimmune flare ups for me.

In answer to this question: YES. ➡️What I’m wondering, is can trauma; be it physical, mental, emotional etc., cause damage, and exacerbate existing mental health issues, by causing small injuries to the vagus nerve. Obviously physical damage can do that.. car wreck, a fall. Can a person who has undiagnosed autoimmune, personality disorder, or any other mental health disorder become more symptomatic if the vegus nerve is damaged and goes undetected? Or are a lot of those caused from a damaged vegus nerve?

I’m probably overthinking it…but I’m going to do some research. I already know that people with the MTHFR polymorphism, can be affected by the bodies inability to absorb other nutrients, thus causing more issues. It can also lead to early onset Alzheimers. I’m just wondering how and IF it’s affected me and my diagnoses.

Thanks for listening to my thoughts. Lol

✌️

Vegus nerve Cardio Shassyswalkabout.com
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Keywords: vagus nerve stimulation vagus nerve disorders vagus nerve exercises vagus nerve symptoms, vagus nerve function, vagus nerve and anxiety

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Suicide Prevention

gray scale photo of man covering face with his hands
Suicide prevention

I recently became aware of someone that I know, who has been struggling with addiction and mental health issues. This is close to my heart.

I have struggled my entire life with depression and suicidal thoughts. (Since the age of 9). This is close to my heart, because I have made it through the rough parts. But not without work and many failings and falling down.

When I found out about this person, I wrote a poem for him. He is no longer with us, and I wish I had paid closer attention, because I KNEW there was something going on behind the scenes. I saw it in his eyes. Lesson learned, I’m going to ask, friend, or foe, if I see something. If they reject, then Ok, but at least I tried.

Below is the link to the poem I wrote. I have a couple of sites, and try to publish poetry, writing etc, on two major sources, here and Medium.

Rest In Peace.

Please click the picture to read the poem. It’s a safe link, I will never post a link that is unsafe.

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If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, call someone for help, or text 988.

https://www.nami.org/About-NAMI/NAMI-News/2020/FCC-Designates-988-as-a-Nationwide-Mental-Health-Crisis-and-Suicide-Prevention-Number

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suicide prevention
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Keywords: suicide prevention, suicide prevention, national suicide prevention lifeline, about suicide prevention, suicide prevention program,

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There are times when others only want to talk to us, or see us when we seem to fit into their lives.

There are times when others only want to talk to us, or see us when we seem to fit into their lives.

Our society has conditioned our ever present brains to accept what is put in front of our faces, usually via an electronic device or screen. We post a smiling face, nice house, fancy car, when in reality a lot of our lives are filled with pain, dysfunction and calamity.

Suicide thoughts run rampant among those of us who have had to deal with a lifetime of trauma. Or any trauma. Whether it’s from combat, familial abuse, spousal abuse, or abuse from a stranger. Anything traumatic, that makes a person question their safety, whether it’s emotional, spiritual, mental or physical,WILL CHANGE YOU.

I don’t care what you say. It changes a person. Someone who has experience trauma, will not come out on the other side the same, and a lot of times, they don’t even recognize what’s happening, and have no idea how to deal with it. (Me).

This has been me for the majority of my life. Not knowing what’s wrong, wanting to “fix” it, not understanding why I made horrible choices and decisions, and stumbling through, hiding my pain and ignoring my own emotional well being, thinking that crying, or showing emotion, was considered a weakness.

This year has been a really good year of understanding, self discovery, setting boundaries, forgiveness, mixed in with a range of emotions including extreme anger, heartbreak and acceptance. It’s not a done deal, as life is about change, and since we (me, you) are still here, then the progression will continue.

How much should a person share? Where’s the boundaries? When does it become too much? Or not enough? A lot of people really don’t care when they ask “How ya doin’?” It’s a knee jerk reaction, and honestly, we as humans need to watch our words. I STILL have a hard time with that… thinking that everyone means what they say. They don’t. They are full of shit.

Not every person is an asshole, not every person INTENDS to not mean what they say. But there are people who just provide lip service; they say what they think you want to hear, and walk off. Stay away from those people.

AND, there are genuine, good humans, who say things, then life happens and they, for some reason out of their control, couldn’t follow through, or said something that came out wrong. I’ve done that myself.

We aren’t perfect. Our lives aren’t perfect. We wake up with morning breath, we don’t always shave our legs (haha), we get so depressed that we feel like we would be better off, not alive anymore, or can’t shower, eat, breathe without physical pain. If I posted the 90 bazillion other photos of how I really feel during the day, most days, I’d have someone calling for a welfare check.

I guess I want to normalize being REAL. No, we don’t need to share everything, no one needs to know how many shits you took today… (unless you are in the hospital, or work in the medical field… but that’s another post…lol).

Needing validation is a human necessity, in my opinion, but, it needs to be done in a healthy way, and not filled with falsified “look at my perfect life” Instagram photos, or creating the perfect reel, with the perfect children, skinny perfect wife and hot ripped husband. We need to support each other as humans, perfectly flawed and messed up.

Yes, keep yourself healthy, because we all know that batshit crazy person (people) who’s narcissistic abusive behavior will ruin you. Set your boundaries, and for the love of mud, do not let them move. Flexible, maybe, but have a hard line. That may sound like a bass-ackwards way to describe it, but 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. (I have crisis in my contacts). Don’t be ashamed of not being what society or people think you should be. It’s not their business.

Also, if you’re an asshole, keep being you boo…you’re not fooling anyone.

✌️Everything is here.

There are times

Keywords: there are times, there are time when you might feel aimless, there are times in life lyrics, embittered there are questions unanswered

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Super? Black Friday Deals 25 Nov 22

brown wooden cabinet with mirror

Super? Black Friday Deals 25 Nov 22

Today is the day. Traditionally we’d all run out to the stores and get into the hustle and bustle of the kickoff of the holiday season. It’s 30 days until Christmas.

I can’t believe another year is almost over. I think that’s the most freaky thing to me… how time is just flying by. We made it through a worldwide “pandemic”. Deaths of close friends and family, starting a business, and redefining what that goal is, and how it looks. Wild crazy weather, drought, rain.

I honestly want to get away from it all. Seriously. I’m starting a fundraiser to help with finding a camper/van.

Anyway. Back to Black Friday. Here’s my Amazon store finds. Just a few because I tend to be on the techy side, and not everyone is that way. I’m also sharing my Overstock link for shopping as well. Not everyone shops on Amazon. I’ll put in a few just in case.

Amazon BLACK FRIDAY DEALS shopping HERE.

amzn_assoc_tracking_id = “shassysfavori-20”; amzn_assoc_ad_mode = “manual”; amzn_assoc_ad_type = “smart”; amzn_assoc_marketplace = “amazon”; amzn_assoc_region = “US”; amzn_assoc_design = “enhanced_links”; amzn_assoc_asins = “B08SG2MS3V”; amzn_assoc_placement = “adunit”; amzn_assoc_linkid = “7006352eceb29a1740bdcf42830ebf5b”;

I did think this 3D pen was cool. 🤷🏻‍♀️

amzn_assoc_tracking_id = “shassysfavori-20”; amzn_assoc_ad_mode = “manual”; amzn_assoc_ad_type = “smart”; amzn_assoc_marketplace = “amazon”; amzn_assoc_region = “US”; amzn_assoc_design = “enhanced_links”; amzn_assoc_asins = “B01BLQ24IW”; amzn_assoc_placement = “adunit”; amzn_assoc_linkid = “93ad21494dc442f8b5f87cbdc9c52234”;

You can shop Overstock as well via this link.

I was going to put up a bunch of products, but that felt like I was trying to sell you something. When you click the link, you can search for products. I’ve listed a couple, just to make sure the links work, and what I would purchase, but the options are endless. You can find anything online.

Just a quick post to say that I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, or however you chose to spend your day. I’m, as usual, crunching trying to get my NaNoWriMo finished. I’ve spend too much time “thinking” about it, and am only at about 17k words at this moment. Also the depression, ptsd, autoimmune struggle has been rough. Really rough.

I’m also sharing my fundraising campaign for a camper/van. I have listed the reasons within the campaign, and if you follow me, you’ll know.

See Shassy’s CampaignPowered by Fundly

✌️Shassy

Black Friday deals
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Keywords: fundraising, when is Black Friday, giving Tuesday 2022, green Friday, when is Black Friday in 2022, Black Friday 2022 tv deals, target

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#MoveMePoetryBattle 19 Nov 22

beverage in cup next to open book

#MoveMePoetryBattle 19 Nov 22-Submission

MoveMePoetryBattle Poetry 19Nov22
#movemepoetrybattle #poetry #writingcommunity

This weeks poetry battle was to use this image writing our poems.

This is my submission.

You can search Twitter hashtags #MoveMePoetry, #writing community to see more submissions from amazing authors and poets.

✌️ Shassy

https://linktr.ee/Hrsygirl

Check @JustGoWild on TikTok, and he’s written a book about his adventures, you can find that book here.

Also, check out my short story. It was written raw and while I was dealing with and extremely difficult PTSD episode. But it’s all true. You can get it here on Barnes and Noble, or HERE on Amazon

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Bits and Pieces

woman in purple shirt covering her face with her hand
Bits and Pieces
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Bits and Pieces

My own words trigger me these days, feeling the emotions and memories that I’ve locked away.

It’s hard. Hard to recover from a fallen day.

I feel guilty for expressing these fears and struggles,

Because I don’t want to receive pity. I just want to be normal.

When I went to my therapist this week, we tried, again, trauma therapy.

But I failed, sent deep into negative body responses.

So we stopped.

Fresh out of crisis, she didn’t want to send me reeling, which could end me up in another stay at the farm.

I laugh at that statement, “the farm”. Because it’s the only thing I can do that doesn’t bring me any harm.

I feel like I’m a failure in even trying to fix myself. I feel defeated and a prisoner of trauma.

So I’m putting all things on the back burner because writing seems to be the only way I can express the way I feel, to make it congeal.

I don’t know what this post is about this morning. I’m not even out of bed yet nor started the days long list of things that I should be mourning.

She said to do whatever works to bring peace inside, writing, journaling, mindfulness, the things that I can actually accomplish that makes me feel right.

So that’s what I’m doing. It seems to work I guess, though when those awful childhood feelings come to the surface, it seems to take me days to process and again find purpose.

That’s what I’ve been doing for a week; dealing , feeling, and reeling.

Complex ptsd, ptsd, mdd, bpd, avd seems like a lot, and sometimes I really feel like I cannot recover.

Which is a stab of reality that I don’t know how to navigate and on some days I really just want to smother.

Smother. With a big feather pillow.

So I’ve got this short pile of verbal vomit out this morning, I felt like I needed to release this. Now on to further things, feeding the horse, cats, dog and all of the things that bring me peace and sojourning.

©shassyswalkabout.com

bits and pieces

bits and pieces meaning

bits and pieces puzzles

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Life as I know it, right now. (archive pub on 8-7-2013)

person holding a green plant

Life as I know it

Life as I know it


So, about 6 or 8 weeks ago I was at work, and suddenly couldn’t breath, had chest pain, dizziness, all of that stuff.  The nurse at work sent me to the ER, for which they didn’t do shit.  They gave me a breathing treatment–said I wasn’t putting out enough air– filled me full of IV fluids, pain medicine and said I had a migraine and sent me home.  Since then I’ve had two more trips to the ER, numerous breathing issues, and subsequently they have found an “abnormality” or “mass” or something in my lung.  Blah blah…So the doctor has not released me yet to return to work, which has not been a good thing.   During this time I have consistently run a low grade fever…for over two months….my primary care doc has given me a rescue inhaler, which sometimes works, but only for about 30 to 60 minutes. I am now in financial duress and I’m frustrated.   I am to the point that I feel like the doc needs to give me whatever medication is needed so that I can function on a daily basis, and get back to work.  I really don’t care at this point…I just want to get back to “normal”……whatever that is.

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Then one of my furkids was killed as I watched…this set me back to an uncontrollable (for the moment)  time where I questioned EVERYTHING.  I almost fell off the wagon in a big way, but I did not.  Thank you to a close friend who has 11 years sobriety…he was my support at that time, and I know not how to repay him.  I am very blessed to have many people in my life that I consider part of my support network.  The pain I feel with the loss of my Skeeter girl is beyond anything I ever want to experience…but it is what it is.  Thus I am learning to deal with it. I find that just accepting some things in my life, is harder now that I am not numbing it all with booze or pills.  It has not been easy.  Also, a few months ago, I moved from a house that I was renting, into a motel.  The landlord at the time would show up unannounced, and at one point parked in my driveway, sat there and then left.  I was freaked out and concerned, so I moved.   Pissed him off, but oh well.  He had it rented within a week.  After moving into the motel, one of my wonderful co-workers let me rent their new RV…so I moved out of the motel and into it.  It is home for now until I can find something I am comfortable with…or win the lottery.

woman with arms outstretched against blue sky

Yogaworks. The worlds largest online Yoga platform. Right from the comfort of your home.

I was in a meeting today (yesterday since I am finishing this post a day later) and someone said something about having patience.  As I thought about that, I relayed it to my life…and as I am always trying to be better, do better, and accept…Acceptance and patience is not always easy for me.  I think things should be better, and that I should do better and be a better person.  That is not a bad thing, except for….when I have not accepted what I have been ignoring  (duh).  I’m not a nut job….(no comments from the peanut gallery) but I have come to realize in the past few weeks, that I have been trying to ignore some facts about my life.  I try my best to be positive, and always find the good things in every situation…it may take me a while, but I try very hard to do that.  

A few years ago I got diagnosed with PTSD, and anxiety disorder from a stalking and home invasion.  I have seen a therapist over the years, off and on, to help learn to deal with the affects of that trauma.  It wasn’t until just recently that I realized that I wasn’t dealing with it at all.  I was trying to pretend that I was fine, and that I needed to be stronger and that I “understood” it all.  I do understand it…it’s just that I haven’t been dealing with it.  I think that fact hit home the other day when I was sitting watching TV and had a flashback of my car wreck (which I have never had before, and was experiencing the wreck for which I have no memory…weird…it was like I was experiencing it for the first time… yea it sucked), and then a nightmare of the home invasion (which I also have never had before).  

There are things going on that are going to come to the surface whether I like it or not.  I have refused to accept the level to which I am flawed and that I may need to spend time learning to deal with what I haven’t…haven’t I already made up my mind to do that???  I keep saying the word “accept”…for a reason…I have been changed since 2008.  I have perceived those changes as weakness’ and therefore have not faced them.  Feeling that those changes equate to weakness; I have denied myself a chance to be real.  Something that I really want to be.

I heard something today about anger.  I don’t know if I’ll relay it the right way, but I’ll try.  Anger and rage are just an outward expression of hurt on some level…(yea we knew that), and that when it is allowed to take control, it’s just a form of defense to keep someone or something away, so we don’t get hurt.  I know that’s not how it was stated to me, but you get the gist of what I’m saying.  I pretty much knew this, but something happened a few weeks ago and this statement made me think about that incident. It also makes me think about myself and how I react and for what reasons I carry anger inside.  I do carry some…mostly at myself for mistakes I’ve made that I am still in the process of forgiving myself for.  That’s another acceptance thing that I’m working on…accepting that it happened, I made mistakes, and I need to forgive myself and let it go.  Some days I’m good…others, I struggle.  Being alone, for me, makes it harder sometimes.  Not always, but some.

https://atomic-temporary-41308365.wpcomstaging.com/Calmerry

I have this rustic wooden sign in my place that says “I’m a stable girl”.  Because I’ve ridden and trained horses most of my life…it fits.  But it was given to me by a close friend and she said…”it’s a double meaning for you”…yea…I think I am fairly stable…in that fact that I am always trying to look at things from different points of view and perspectives.  I have screwed up…a shitload of times…and I will in the future.  I’m human, it happens.  But I think it’s important to be able to say that I’m wrong, or sorry, or be able to stop an inflow of unhealthy emotion so it doesn’t take control and cause me to do stupid things.  (Which I have done…heartache has made me really stupid sometimes).  It’s also important for me to take my happiness from good and wholesome things…which for me are doing things outside, watching the stars, talking with friends, painting my puppy’s toenails, riding horses, gardening….just stopping to smell the flowers…slowing down at life.  Those things we all talk about.  God gave us all wonderful things to increase our happiness and to enjoy, and I plan on doing it.

What I see today in myself…what I HAVE accepted…is that I am a person who is full of love, passion, simpleness and complicated at the same time,  and a zest for life.  I can see the beautiful things in this world that God has given us to use to have happiness.  I don’t need any one person to make me happy, though I want to share that happiness with someone if it’s meant to be.  I see me as a person who must, beyond a shadow of a doubt, realize that I am a human being that needs to be nurtured and I must accept who and what I am to this day.  Flaws and all. I am a work in progress…and I think that is a lifelong thing that happens…I don’t think we “reach” a place where we know everything, have experienced everything that life has to offer.  Life is about change and growth.  I want to be open enough to know that I must always work and recognize that there is no “typical” where I am concerned.  And that’s OK.  We are all individuals and I really believe in my heart that one of the reasons we are here, is to help each other.  I would love to share life with someone…but that is not up to me.   It’s exciting to think of all the things that await…I will keep my mind, heart and body open to what lies ahead.

Happy Wednesday!!  🙂