This is a challenge where you can network with other writers, the general public, or completely keep your writing private. It runs until the end of November, and the challenge is to write at least 50,000 words. That’s 50k.
I’m at a little over 10k right now.
If you divide it up, it’s writing approximately 2000 words a day. That’s easy to do if you can get in your zone.
Let me know what you think. 😊
If you don’t see much of me on here, that’s why. I’m in my mojo and writing, though I will try to check in and share my progress.
I have shared in my previous posts that I started an online business at the beginning of 2022.
What a ride it has been. I have learned so much about digital marketing, social media marketing, making content, and I continue to learn new things everyday!
I made a video and posted it to Facebook reels, showcasing a flashlight that I own, and shared a link for others to purchase. (It’s a great flashlight, I’ll include the video here)…
Anyway, my reel has gotten over 40,000 views. Crazy right?
But I’m missing something. I missing YOU.
So this post is just to ask for you to subscribe to my blog, and socials. I’ve included my mail poet subscription form below. Thank you for your support. It really does mean everything to me as I build this business and get myself out of poverty. You can search my archives for more personal posts, and why I decided to do this. Also here’s my facebook page.
So I was reading a blog tonight, and noticed a comment left on one of my posts that I never answered, so I answered it tonight. And I realized that when I thought about what I was going to say, that I was over such a “love”. Maybe over isn’t the right word. Maybe just settled with what it really is. Which is not for me. I thought I could love such a “love” into existence, and I can not. No matter how much I love, it’s not going to be returned. I’m ok with that now. I kept telling this person that I would eventually “get over it” for lack of a better phrase, and so he would understand. And I guess I am there now. I am full of compassion and care for him, but I know that it will be nothing more than friends at this point. No need to go into the why’s or how comes, because it doesn’t matter…I have come to enough closure, that I can let it go to it’s place inside my heart, to lay dormant and subsequently grow into something else. I don’t know what that something else is going to be, or if or when…but I know that it will because that’s what God has promised.
As I look back, again, on the healing process I see my heart bleeding tears, I see my eyes running dry, and I remember waking up only to realize that it was happening again…with that sick vomit feeling in the pit of my stomach. Thinking, “oh God, here I go again.” Months of why’s, and anger, and tears and hurt and bitchyness….of trying to be “friends” with this person, only to realize each time that it was only allowing me to lose my own self respect. You would have thought that since I had been through this before, I would have not done the same things again…but noooooo…I didn’t want to give up, and kept trying. Only to realize that I knew how it was all going to end anyway, and just couldn’t or wouldn’t face it. Maybe it’s just my stubbornness that makes excuses for myself. HA. Of course that makes no sense whatsoever….Whatever, either way I’m ok, and I always knew I would, I just kept hoping….
Hope is something that I cannot lose, ever. When, the few times I have lost hope…I’ve lost everything. I am not put together to be without it…kind of like love…. I can be without love…romantic, committed love, but I can’t be without hope. It’s what keeps me going. Keeps me looking for the good in things, soldiering on, growing…I’ll never know everything life has to offer. But without hope, I won’t experience anything.
So, about 6 or 8 weeks ago I was at work, and suddenly couldn’t breath, had chest pain, dizziness, all of that stuff. The nurse at work sent me to the ER, for which they didn’t do shit. They gave me a breathing treatment–said I wasn’t putting out enough air– filled me full of IV fluids, pain medicine and said I had a migraine and sent me home. Since then I’ve had two more trips to the ER, numerous breathing issues, and subsequently they have found an “abnormality” or “mass” or something in my lung. Blah blah…So the doctor has not released me yet to return to work, which has not been a good thing. During this time I have consistently run a low grade fever…for over two months….my primary care doc has given me a rescue inhaler, which sometimes works, but only for about 30 to 60 minutes. I am now in financial duress and I’m frustrated. I am to the point that I feel like the doc needs to give me whatever medication is needed so that I can function on a daily basis, and get back to work. I really don’t care at this point…I just want to get back to “normal”……whatever that is.
Then one of my furkids was killed as I watched…this set me back to an uncontrollable (for the moment) time where I questioned EVERYTHING. I almost fell off the wagon in a big way, but I did not. Thank you to a close friend who has 11 years sobriety…he was my support at that time, and I know not how to repay him. I am very blessed to have many people in my life that I consider part of my support network. The pain I feel with the loss of my Skeeter girl is beyond anything I ever want to experience…but it is what it is. Thus I am learning to deal with it. I find that just accepting some things in my life, is harder now that I am not numbing it all with booze or pills. It has not been easy. Also, a few months ago, I moved from a house that I was renting, into a motel. The landlord at the time would show up unannounced, and at one point parked in my driveway, sat there and then left. I was freaked out and concerned, so I moved. Pissed him off, but oh well. He had it rented within a week. After moving into the motel, one of my wonderful co-workers let me rent their new RV…so I moved out of the motel and into it. It is home for now until I can find something I am comfortable with…or win the lottery.
I was in a meeting today (yesterday since I am finishing this post a day later) and someone said something about having patience. As I thought about that, I relayed it to my life…and as I am always trying to be better, do better, and accept…Acceptance and patience is not always easy for me. I think things should be better, and that I should do better and be a better person. That is not a bad thing, except for….when I have not accepted what I have been ignoring (duh). I’m not a nut job….(no comments from the peanut gallery) but I have come to realize in the past few weeks, that I have been trying to ignore some facts about my life. I try my best to be positive, and always find the good things in every situation…it may take me a while, but I try very hard to do that.
A few years ago I got diagnosed with PTSD, and anxiety disorder from a stalking and home invasion. I have seen a therapist over the years, off and on, to help learn to deal with the affects of that trauma. It wasn’t until just recently that I realized that I wasn’t dealing with it at all. I was trying to pretend that I was fine, and that I needed to be stronger and that I “understood” it all. I do understand it…it’s just that I haven’t been dealing with it. I think that fact hit home the other day when I was sitting watching TV and had a flashback of my car wreck (which I have never had before, and was experiencing the wreck for which I have no memory…weird…it was like I was experiencing it for the first time… yea it sucked), and then a nightmare of the home invasion (which I also have never had before).
There are things going on that are going to come to the surface whether I like it or not. I have refused to accept the level to which I am flawed and that I may need to spend time learning to deal with what I haven’t…haven’t I already made up my mind to do that??? I keep saying the word “accept”…for a reason…I have been changed since 2008. I have perceived those changes as weakness’ and therefore have not faced them. Feeling that those changes equate to weakness; I have denied myself a chance to be real. Something that I really want to be.
I heard something today about anger. I don’t know if I’ll relay it the right way, but I’ll try. Anger and rage are just an outward expression of hurt on some level…(yea we knew that), and that when it is allowed to take control, it’s just a form of defense to keep someone or something away, so we don’t get hurt. I know that’s not how it was stated to me, but you get the gist of what I’m saying. I pretty much knew this, but something happened a few weeks ago and this statement made me think about that incident. It also makes me think about myself and how I react and for what reasons I carry anger inside. I do carry some…mostly at myself for mistakes I’ve made that I am still in the process of forgiving myself for. That’s another acceptance thing that I’m working on…accepting that it happened, I made mistakes, and I need to forgive myself and let it go. Some days I’m good…others, I struggle. Being alone, for me, makes it harder sometimes. Not always, but some.
I have this rustic wooden sign in my place that says “I’m a stable girl”. Because I’ve ridden and trained horses most of my life…it fits. But it was given to me by a close friend and she said…”it’s a double meaning for you”…yea…I think I am fairly stable…in that fact that I am always trying to look at things from different points of view and perspectives. I have screwed up…a shitload of times…and I will in the future. I’m human, it happens. But I think it’s important to be able to say that I’m wrong, or sorry, or be able to stop an inflow of unhealthy emotion so it doesn’t take control and cause me to do stupid things. (Which I have done…heartache has made me really stupid sometimes). It’s also important for me to take my happiness from good and wholesome things…which for me are doing things outside, watching the stars, talking with friends, painting my puppy’s toenails, riding horses, gardening….just stopping to smell the flowers…slowing down at life. Those things we all talk about. God gave us all wonderful things to increase our happiness and to enjoy, and I plan on doing it.
What I see today in myself…what I HAVE accepted…is that I am a person who is full of love, passion, simpleness and complicated at the same time, and a zest for life. I can see the beautiful things in this world that God has given us to use to have happiness. I don’t need any one person to make me happy, though I want to share that happiness with someone if it’s meant to be. I see me as a person who must, beyond a shadow of a doubt, realize that I am a human being that needs to be nurtured and I must accept who and what I am to this day. Flaws and all. I am a work in progress…and I think that is a lifelong thing that happens…I don’t think we “reach” a place where we know everything, have experienced everything that life has to offer. Life is about change and growth. I want to be open enough to know that I must always work and recognize that there is no “typical” where I am concerned. And that’s OK. We are all individuals and I really believe in my heart that one of the reasons we are here, is to help each other. I would love to share life with someone…but that is not up to me. It’s exciting to think of all the things that await…I will keep my mind, heart and body open to what lies ahead.
So, this post is going to be a little random, as I’ve been posting thoughts on facebook, but not finishing them…Today….
We all care about what others think, on some level. Some show it more than others, and some hide their feelings. But if you really are interested in another, you will pay attention to those little idiosyncrasies…sometimes they can be a cry for help, acknowledgment, or just a little love. And you know what, its ok to give it, in a healthy way. If they push you away…at least you tried….I say this because I’m famous for trying to make people accept something they do not want. I think love can fix everything, but it can’t. And in the end I get frustrated, when I should have just left it up to God, He would have saved me the worry/heartache…even tho I’ve screwed up again, He still welcomes me back with Grace and forgiveness.
I find it so frustrating sometimes because I was told that I come across as bitchy and mean. But I am NOT trying to be that way. If they really knew me, and had tried to get to know me, then I don’t think that would be the case. No one else seems to think that. I believe the motivation behind actions is important…and I try to be a good person, and my motivation is never to hurt or be mean. Maybe it’s because it’s easier to be defensive and take on that thought process, than to maybe hear what the other person is saying. Even when I tried to be super nice, and walk on eggshells, I still got shot down…there was no intimacy, no communication…nothing. And if I listen to him, what he is saying to me, then I am believing his opinion of me…which is that I am a bad person…but I know that I am not what he says, so I don’t agree. I know in the past, I have gotten defensive when I know what the person is saying to me, is right. I just didn’t want to hear it. I wanted it to be my idea.
I don’t know, it really doesn’t matter, because no one can be forced to do anything. It’s just sad, and it hurts. I could talk till I was blue in the face, and he wouldn’t believe me. The more I “analyze”, as he says, the more defensive he got. I guess it really doesn’t matter, it’s been over since April. Love just doesn’t go away. But it also can’t be nurtured without two people wanting it. Such is life.
Anywho…I copied a couple posts I had on fb, into this post.
30 May 2013
It’s interesting how this feeling of contentment intermingles and conjugates with waves of heartache and longing. It’s funny how the soul chooses to heal itself, if allowed to freely process and feel without the hindrance of dysfunction. The end result is like a perfect spring or fall day, quietly smelling the air, and listening to the hoofbeats and breaths of your horse…when no one else is around. Satisfaction.
18 June 2013…
I’m sitting at work, doing my thing which requires me to pretty much not talk, and focus. (no, keeping my mouth shut isn’t that difficult, ALL of the time..lol). And I’m suddenly and completely paralyzed with fear…along with a full out panic attack. It’s a good thing I was sitting because I might have done so involuntarily….anyway being that I don’t take any benzos, or opiates anymore, the only thing i could do was pray, and pray hard. So I did for like 30 minutes. I just prayed…i prayed for forgiveness for the totally screwed up decisions that I have made in the last few years…and you know what happened…peace, calmness, contentment…and forgiveness..from my screw ups. This is different than before, because before i would just buy some booz and pop a couple pills. Thank God for grace.
plural traumas also traumata\ ˈtrȯ-mə-tə also ˈtrau̇- \
Definition of trauma
1a: an injury (such as a wound) to living tissue caused by an extrinsic agent
b: a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury
c: an emotional upset the personal trauma of an executive who is not living up to his own expectations— Karen W. Arenson
2: an agent, force, or mechanism that causes trauma
Trauma is the Greek word for “wound”. Although the Greeks used the term only for physical injuries, nowadays trauma is just as likely to refer to emotional wounds. We now know that a traumatic event can leave psychological symptoms long after any physical injuries have healed. The psychological reaction to emotional trauma now has an established name: post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. It usually occurs after an extremely stressful event, such as wartime combat, a natural disaster, or sexual or physical abuse; its symptoms include depression, anxiety, flashbacks, and recurring nightmares.“ cited directly from this link Merriam Webster.
Each and every one of us handles trauma differently. You may not go through each phase or step the same as the next person. That’s ok.
What are the signs of emotional trauma?
Psychological Concerns: Anxiety and panic attacks, fear, anger, irritability, obsessions and compulsions, shock and disbelief, emotional numbing and detachment, depression, shame and guilt (especially if the person dealing with the trauma survived while others didn’t) Cited from Google search.
Trauma often causes PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. Mayo clinic states that PTSD can be caused from a person going through any kind of traumatic event, whether it’s emotional, or physical. (Click here to read the entire article).
What kind of mental disorders can be causes from trauma?
In my experience, here is what has happened to me, personally due to trauma.
Thoughts of suicide, with at least one time having a plan to do so.
Trauma has been a part of my life since I was born. I know nothing else. I adapted certain coping mechanisms in order to survive. As I got older, they weren’t always healthy coping skills, but they got me through, none the less. (Though I wouldn’t recommend some of those ”coping skills” to anyone else.)
What has saved me these past few years is having a crisis number to call, having my therapist, and having coping skills. You an also text a crisis line now. 741741 is supposed to be a New York based non profit that responds and helps deescalate a situation, and then gets the person in touch with a local entity that can help them for further treatment. I haven’t tried it, yet. I usually call my local crisis line.
There is help. Please reach out to someone if you are feeling suicidal, or having morbid thoughts. Death is a permanent ending to this life on this planet. Permanent.
“If you’ve done your “downward dog” yoga pose today, you’re probably feeling more relaxed. Regardless of your level of yoga expertise, if you’re practicing regularly, you can feel better from head to toe.
Yoga offers physical and mental health benefits for people of all ages. And, if you’re going through an illness, recovering from surgery or living with a chronic condition, yoga can become an integral part of your treatment and potentially hasten healing.
A yoga therapist can work with patients and put together individualized plans that work together with their medical and surgical therapies. That way, yoga can support the healing process and help the person experience symptoms with more centeredness and less distress.” Cited from this source.