Category Archives: Freedom

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I love the different expressions on our cats faces. All 16 of them. Love and Loss

I love the different expressions on our cats faces.

Every morning I am greeted with sweet meows, funny cat running, and the ones that walk right in front of me and then fall down all dramatically. I must always watch where I walk, because there are a couple that I swear are trying to trip me, so they can laugh while I’m on the ground.

I may be the crazy cat lady right now, but I’m ok with that. I’ve raised all but four of the cats you see in the video following. It’s also heartbreaking sometimes.

I keep a spreadsheet of them all because I administer all of their shots, and flea/tick treatment. But some days it’s sad because I go in to do my treatments, and update the chart, and I see so many that aren’t with us for now.

Let me explain why, in a real world visual.

I love the different expressions on our cats faces. All 16 of them. Love and Loss

I don’t “own” the cats, I feed, and take care of them and the property where they are located. They have heated houses, a barn, and a heated garage they go into. I have a couple of very bonded females (Bubbles and Millie), and they will sleep together in one of the houses.

One year I came out to work, and was setting up the mower, after I had fed everyone, and a young adolescent named Starsky wasn’t greeting me. He was about 6 months old. But I had bonded with that cat like we had known each other in another life time. I was able to teach him to give me a high five on command, along with a few other tricks, very early on in his first few months of birth. He was very in tune with me and we were just an item. (Though I love them all).

Shortly after that, we started having quite a bit of predation from bobcats. And I think Starsky went by that way. I drove around 180 acres and searched in the woods, calling and crying for him all day.

I was heartbroken for what seemed like forever and ever. I shut down a little, and all my other cats started to notice, and they tried their best in cat meows, and loves, that they understood my pain.

I talk about loss because it’s inevitable. These are “barn cats”, but not your average barn cats. Some may ask, “but why can’t you keep them from dying?” The answer is simple, we vet them, get them shots, wormer, have warm places to sleep, but they are allowed to discover their own lives and create a little “pack” of their own. They are happy being “free”. But with freedom, comes nature. Luckily it stopped shortly after and I have been so thankful.

We keep one female open, and it’s very interesting how Tomcats arrive from nowhere, in the middle of nowhere when she comes in season. Last years Tom, bless his heart, was the most feral cat I have ever seen. I watched him catch a full grown rabbit one morning and eat the whole thing.

He started to come around more often, and I was feeding him, and he was becoming more calm. He wouldn’t let me get very close, but wouldn’t run off anymore. As I watched his progression, I realized he was very old, and had many battle scars.

One morning I went out to feed everyone and he was laying on our back patio furniture, which was very uncommon for him. As I looked closer I realized he was coming to his end of life. He felt safe enough to come here with all of our others, and die. I fed him what he would eat, but I found him gone, and buried him.

Why didn’t I take him to the vet? Because he had been wild his ENTIRE life. To cause him stress in his final days, by live trapping him, taking him into a vets office where he would be terrified, and then subsequently having him euthanized in what would have been a scary and unfamiliar place for him, seemed barbaric. Why take a wild animal out of his comfort zone, just so it could make his final days miserable? No, I won’t. So I talked soothingly to him, when I could walk by, offered food, but in the end he refused. And then the mighty Tom, was gone.

I think I did him right. I didn’t try to changed his life, stress him out, only show love and give food and water.

He is buried under a tree by the pond.

I tell this story about Tom because I feel that sometimes, like in his case, when an animal is completely feral, and decided to trust you (me in this case), to come closer during his end days,I should give him the respect to pass out of this life the way he wanted. He didn’t want me to mess with him, he just wanted a soft place to land for his final breath. I feel like I gave that to him. He passed on his genetics, which are VERY strong, to three of his kittens that we have. They will be a year in May. Three very different personalities, and three cats ingrained with a strong sense of survival.

Cats also don’t meow to other cats. They only meow to people. Their vocalizations between themselves don’t include the “People Meow”…..it’s a varying differences of noises, growls, hisses and face slaps. There are some days during the moon cycle where I feel like I’m a ref at a UFC fight sometimes. You can believe they get scolded for that, because they know EXACTLY what I’m saying. 😁

Anyway, here’s the video. Enjoy the many faces of our cats.

This was Starsky Expressions
Starsky
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Move Me Poetry Battle Submission 17 Mar 23

cirrus clouds

Move Me Poetry Battle Submission 17 Mar 23

The Move Me Poetry Battle prompt for this week is “Dissolve”.

Dissolve my anguishes and reach into my heart

Remove remorse, guilt and bring forth a new start.

Vanquish blurry nightmares with a swift new breeze

Engulf my lungs with the air that frees.

Remove any tenacious lingering pain

Replace it with fresh light and hopes that remain.

Give strength that embraces a new view of life

One that understands and flows without great strife.

Continue to steady, 
support and give patience

As life is a lesson in worth of conveyance.

Seek out the fresh streams that cleanse my soul

Wash my body clean of strenuous control.

Empower me with freedom to seek arduous rising

That uplifts and removes the never ending capsizing.

Seek within me the wheels of smooth growth

So I can see the bright light of my own oath.

To continue to fight, this menace of death,

Which steals and destroys my life’s precious breath.

For I know in my soul that blessings abound,

All I must do is keep steady, and sound.

This is my declaration to dissolve,

The demons that haunt me within my resolve.

Banish you trickster, for you have no claim

As I move forward, ignoring your distain.

My life belongs to me; you are nothing but a gar

I will wipe you away, like the infection you are,

I’m still here creating, living and you are just huffing

Soon to be forgotten like nothing,

Blown away, sloughed off like yesterday’s uncoupling.

Shining days ahead without you in my head,

I will win the battle, even if by a thin thread. 
©️shassyswalkabout.com 2013–2023

#movemepoetrybattle #movemepoetry #poetry #poetrycommunity #writingcommuniy

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Being alone forces me to step into my fears.

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Being alone forces me to step into my fears.

I am still testing, adjusting, and building out my #jeepminicamper. The other night I was parked away from any building, in a nook surrounded by some small trees to try to get out of the wind.

It was about 10-ish, and I rolled down the window and was just looking around. I had gotten out earlier, and just stood there and listened. All I heard was the wind.

As I was looking around a giant panic attack came over me. Why? Who knows… I found no trigger. But I stood there and realized that other than my dog, I was alone. (Within touching distance). For some reason this hit me, and the panic attack got worse.

I don’t quite understand…I’m “alone” all of the time. I don’t socialize, other than phone calls and social media. I don’t go out to events, and I’m totally ok with that. I understand that I have issues, lol, but I’m slowly understanding that even though I do my best to manage symptoms, my brain still defaults to “time to freak out” mode.

Nature is my happy place. I don’t care if it’s dark, light, hot or cold… when I’m in nature I feel my best. So when this happened, I was caught off guard, because, obviously I was out in nature.

I’m serious…the general “fear”….my brain went off the chain…my thoughts were so irrational, like “what if there’s a mountain lion out in the trees”, to “there could be a person hiding somewhere”. WTF. Seriously?

Here’s what I caught on my phone. I set it up and left it until what was left of my battery died. No edits, these are the colors it captured. Simply beautiful.

I have a big mouth dog that hears stuff way before I do. Who protects me and loves nature and being outdoors. (Except when it’s too cold or too hot….she’s a couch dog.) She’s smart. If there were a boogie man or boogie mountain lion, she would have smelled it way before I had even exited the car. This is what I had to tell myself. I had to put myself back in the present, instead of in the twilight zone, and calm my ass down.

Being alone forces me to step into my fears.
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I’ve never had that happen when I’m camping/hiking etc. Never had an out of the blue panic attack. But as I go on this journey, of “all of this”, I’m learning that the brain is tricky. There could have been something that triggered a repressed memory, and caused the switch to flip in the ole’ noggin. That’s the only thing I can come up with at this point. Fortunately, it didn’t last very long, as I went through coping skills, and looked up at the night sky and realized how calming it really is.

So in a round about way, nature brought me back and told me I was ok. That’s the way I see it anyhow.

So now we are testing the boundaries of newly found, long buried fears. Fear has always been a huge debilitating weakness for me. Ever since I was a small child. I would think something was happening and literally freeze with fear. One instance, I was living with my grandparents, and I was upstairs going to the bathroom, and I froze with fear, thinking there was something on my back. I kept whispering “Grandma!”, and somehow her radar ears heard my whispers, and she came upstairs. I told her there was something on my back, and she looked and found nothing, and she settled me back in bed.

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Fear is paralyzing, and if I feel it coming on, I fight hard to stand against it. Literally, I can channel my fear into fight or protection in a nano second. Which is good in some cases…others not so much. If that transition of fear into fight, happens to be coupled with my very slowly growing anger….then I warn people and try my very best to walk away.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is that I’ve learned something new about mental illness, mine in particular.

Growth takes time, and I have to continue to be open when new things like this happen, so I don’t take 10 steps backwards, and fall into the valley of despair.

If you are going through something similar, I feel you. You are not alone.

Peace out from Daenerys… the #jeepminicamper

✌️

Shassy

Being alone
The view of the moon from Daenerys, the #jeepminicamper
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How social media forces me to step away, and the (my) cycle of mental illness.

Social media is great… especially for people like me who are introverts, but want to keep in touch.

But it gets to be too much sometimes. So I step away. I put my phone on do not disturb, so I don’t constantly see notifications, and I just write, rest, or spend time in nature.

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In the process of hurting my back, and doing the things needed to get it healed up, I was sort of forced into a break, but I slowly realized I was needing one anyway.

If you know my story, then you know I struggle with mental health diagnoses, and as much as I would love to be “even keel”, and emotionally leveled out, the fact is I’m not that way.

I’ve been working on my #jeepminicamper and that has been a source of accomplishment, and also a way to distract my mind from morbid thoughts, unrealistic fears, and some depression.

The thing about mental illness, for me anyway, if I don’t manage it right, all of the things I do to distract my mind, come creeping back up if I try to pretend that they aren’t there. So I just deal with it. I put myself in the very present, noting the things around me, what I’m doing, or not doing. What is actually real, and not some illogical thought process that is stemming directly from a ptsd symptom, or a cloud of oppressive depression.

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It’s hard. It’s just hard some days. I get tired. I get frustrated, I get angry, I cry. I question everything, I question my life’s worth, I question my worth as a human being, I even guestion the things that bring me peace, wondering if I’m even worth peace.

Those things are the trickery and deception of mental illness. It comes to steal kill and destroy. Destroy families, destroy relationships, friendships, and in worst case it will take your life.

How social media forces me to step away, and the (my) cycle of mental illness.

I’m hyper vigilant…this stems from a home invasion, and domestic violence. But that hyper vigilance seeps into other areas… and compounds symptoms. If I’m going through a cycle of depressive episodes, that hyper vigilance will look for everything that is depressing in my life… logical? Absolutely not, but that’s the cycle some days.

So today’s ramblings are what I’m currently struggling with. I share because I know I’m not alone in struggling with mental health… although I am physically alone, I still want to be open and share, because someone else needs to hear that they are not alone.

You are not alone.

I may not be the best to talk to all the time, but I will listen, and be an ear. Sometimes that’s all a person needs.

So with that, I’m peacin’ out for today.

Thanks for listening. I’m working on a podcast, but it’s new territory for me, so please be patient. Also, please share, like, subscribe if you feel inclined, I would truly appreciate it.

✌️

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Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization. My response: nothing, it causes me anxiety.

Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization…

I told them nothing, it causes me anxiety.

My biggest, newest tool I’ve added to my toolbox is staying in my #jeepminicamper out in nature. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m getting there. It’s working the best thus far.

I do still use my other coping skills… 4-7-8 breathing, snapping a rubber band, safe place, finding five things in my present that I can either see, feel, hear that helps ground me when I’m in full out flashback or panic attack mode.

I don’t always know when symptoms are going to happen. I can’t always identify the triggers.

In worst case scenario, my therapist and I have a set protocol that I follow.

Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization. My response: nothing, it causes me anxiety.

I do all my coping skills, and if that doesn’t work, I call crisis, and if that doesn’t work, I check myself into the hospital. That has happened five times.

But I started this conversion of my jeep, and it’s helped to focus on a task, and it allows me to do what is the most functional for treating symptoms, at this moment. The thing that I’ve learned that is most important for me, is to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes on second at a time.

Someone asked me what I do for socialization
Portable mini wood cook stove

I still have a few more things to do to finish, but I’m getting there. Like purchase this mini wood stove… love it.

Here’s a quick video of a work day… can’t get any better.

My goal with building this is to also be able to share the process, and help others. I plan to be on the road for trips later this summer. Still have a few more things to add… but I’ll get there.

This has been such a learning experience. I had no idea what I was doing when I started considering this. But I watched a lot of videos, asked a lot of questions, and have made a lot of mistakes.

As I’ve been staying in it, I tweak this or that. I still have to make the window coverings, but until then the huge amount of heat was just escaping through the windows…so, I just hung up some small throw blankets, and it’s made a huge difference. Right now I am close to electricity, until I get everything finished. I have put a little heater in the vehicle because it’s got down to the 20’s and 30’s at night. I have a good sleeping bag and Zoey has her bed, and we snuggle up under the sleeping bag and stay warm. I actually think that my sleep has been better. I’m still working on the bed….I put down some memory foam (full sized folded three times), and that has made a huge difference. I’ll keep working on it until it’s just the way I want it, but right now it’s perfect.

So this is the reason…I’m not 28 anymore, I’m not using alcohol or other unhealthy coping skills, I’m developing more coping skills, that are bringing me peace.

Life is weird, and I believe everything happens for a reason. Whatever the reason, it is time for me to do this, and other than making my back sore now and then, it’s working.

Don’t be afraid to try new things…You may surprise yourself.

✌️

Shassy

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My favorite view.
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What I’ve learned so far by turning my old Jeep into a mini camper. Highs, lows and the #1 reason I would do it all over again.

What I’ve learned. I’ve been converting my 1999 Jeep Grand Cherokee into a mini camper.

I took out all the seats, except for the drivers… obviously… lol… built wooden platforms to create a level working space. I built an elevated bed platform and created storage by using the space underneath. I built three cabinets for the inside, one of which I ended up taking all apart, sawing in two, and starting all over again… it wasn’t working out like I thought.

It’s been a journey for sure. I started out not having a clue what I was doing, but knowing what I wanted in the end… which is not here yet. But I’m getting closer.

I knew I wanted to be able to have power. So I researched and bought a solar generator and a solar panel…note.. pay attention to what kind of panel you are buying, I bought a polycrystalline panel, but monocrystaline is said to convert a little better. All I’ll say is that yesterday, it was completely cloud covered, and my panel still charged my generator. So 🤷🏻‍♀️…you can choose what you want.

Anyway, it’s been a journey of discovery, and me learning more patience. I’ve had to learn how to do everything. My cabinets will not win any awards, but they will serve their function. Will I make changes later? Probably, as I learn and move along. But right now it’s working for what I intended.

What I’ve learned
BRoabout Portable Wood Camping Stove

So what was that intention? To help my mental status. To help with PTSD, MDD, BPD symptoms. I struggle so much that I decided to add another tool to my toolbox.

What I’ve learned so far by turning my old Jeep into a mini camper. Highs, lows and the #1 reason I would do it all over again.

It has been amazing. I feel so much better sitting here in this little mobile home that I’ve created. I feel like I have the freedom to just pull over and stop anywhere if I want… but mainly it’s to be out in nature and with the animals. Even if it’s where I keep my horse…currently I’m parked right next to her paddock, and got morning nickers…I can’t tell you how that fills my heart and helps me. (Though I will say she probably had an alternative motive…wanting me to let her out to run around…but it rained last night, and I don’t want her to leave hoof marks in the main yard… and I can guarantee she would.)

I haven’t finished the #jeepminicamper. I still need to get the sink, faucet and fresh water installed. Build awnings, and maybe add a tent that attaches to the back end… not sure about that one yet, but we’ll see.

Thus far it’s serving its purpose…helping me mentally. I can park it anywhere right now and have a warm place to sleep, and hang out, without seeing another human being, if that’s what I want.

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For the longest time I’ve underestimated myself. Didn’t think I could do something because I wasn’t “trained”, or because I would succumb to other peoples comments like “why would you do that? You have a house and a bed.. why would you want to go sleep in a car?”

Well, I don’t care what people think or say about what I’m doing. The number one reason?➡️My mental state is better for it. If I’m having a rough day… I can go out in the middle of the pasture, or park next to my horse, spend time with her/fresh air and my mind finds peace.

To all the naysayers…go on and keep doing you boo… and I’ll do me. To each his own, and have the day you deserve. Bless your heart.

✌️

Shassy

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Today is a blog, rest and learning day. For the last 3 days I’ve been working on my JeepMiniCamper, only posting shorts.

Today is a blog, rest and learning day. The past three days have been busy, tiring, painful, and rewarding all at the same time.

PTSD has been rearing its ugly head with my mind wandering off into stupid places, so I’ve had to deal with that.

I totally tore down one crappy cabinet in my jeep and completely built something new. With such a small space the old one was just not working. So I build a mini bench. It’s not pretty, but it’s functional and strong, and that’s all I care about.

Today is a blog day. This is my view currently. 💜

One of the things that I rarely struggle with as a symptom of diagnoses, is irritability. I mean, I can get irritable, but I don’t like to be that way, and rarely does it manifest. But the last few days it has, and I’ve worked hard to dispel that. I have for reasons I don’t feel like mentioning, absolutely hate that about me. I hate getting irritated, hate getting angry, and work super hard on stopping it.

I think it’s a childhood thing…probably is. But I do know that when my anger has overcome me, I have a terrible temper, and can get tunnel vision with it. I don’t like that, it serves no purpose. Same with irritability, it serves me no purpose, and I know that I have failed in allowing it to get out of control in my life, so it’s something that I try to manage. I don’t like to be that way around people, or treat them that way, though I know I have failed at that during life.

I punch pillows, do yoga, spend time with nature and animals, and just basically get rid of that negativity.

Today is a blog, rest and learning day. For the last 3 days I’ve been working on my JeepMiniCamper, only posting shorts.

Anyway, today I’m waiting on a part, and there’s really nothing else I can build at this point, in my jeep. The rest will be ad-ons—-the faucet, since, clean and grey water tanks, awnings and window shades. I think I’m either going to build or buy something that I can add on to the back end of my jeep to make a covered area. I’ve seen tents like this one…

This is exactly what I’m going to use.

I’ll have it packed in my gear box, and they actually have it attached to a Grand Cherokee, which is what I have. So this will work perfectly.

For shorter trips, I’m fabricating my own awnings..pvc pipe, heavy duty tarp, guy lines, and poles. I’ll attach it to the roof rack that’s already on my jeep, way cheaper than buying them, and I’ll know how they’re made if something goes wrong. Easy peasy.

HAHA….I’ve found that not everything that I have planned has gone easy peasy. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. I’m learning so much.

Not much else for today. I need to do some editing for my YouTube channel…please subscribe if you can, and follow on my Facebook. I would really appreciate it.

Here’s a video of my girl running around yesterday… it was a gorgeous day and she was kicking up her heels… literally… lol

Happy Monday!

✌️

Shassy

P.S. Don’t forget to subscribe to get notifications when I post.

P.P.S. I’m editing some videos and will blog abou the progress and what I’ve built so far… that’s coming up. I’m new to editing and all of that stuff.

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My Mudbug

My Mudbug

Sadie has ALWAYS been a Mudbug. She waits until the mud gets that super tacky sticky consistency, and then takes a huge roll.

She knows that I will always give her a good brushing, which is why she probably does it, on top of the fact that—who doesn’t love a good clean mud bath?

I know I do…I say that literally. We have some “clean” mud at the ranch, with no horse poop in it, and when it rains a lot, there’s nothing better than sticking my feet in the mud and smushing it all around in between my toes.

Maybe I’m weird, but that’s ok. I’ll embrace that weirdness.

I’ve run through the west pasture during a thunderstorm in my bare feet and a tank top, just letting the rain wash over my body. (And hoping I don’t get struck by lightning…ha…obviously I didn’t because I’m here writing this post.)

I say this about mud to direct to a more serious subject. I previously posted about what it was like to live with mental health diagnoses and how I cope.

Well, this is one of my coping skills, more so in the summer..clearly, because even though I’m not in my right mind (insert large amounts of sarcasm here) I’m not going to stick my feet in the mud when it’s 20 degrees outside. Though I have walked out into the garage barefoot when it’s cold, and I will tell you it takes everything off of your mind….lol…but it’s not my favorite thing to do.

This morning when I went out to do chores, I was feeling anxious. But the minute I stepped out of the car to get started, I breathed in the fresh air, and took a look around at the nature, the quiet, and the peacefulness. My anxiety quieted in my mind and body. The cats all greeted me, and I felt “home”.

I got everyone fed, and was headed back out, and stopped where I feed the corn to the deer. We have one momma that has a hitch in her git-a-long, and I called to them to let them know breaksfast was served.

As I pulled out of the driveway, I got a notification from one of the security cameras.. and there she was, chomping down her breaksfast. I have a special place in my heart for her. 💜

The earth is healing. Animals are healing. Nature is healing. This may sound like a weird question, but have you ever smelled clean, fresh dirt? I know I know, “clean” dirt… but there is such a thing. The smell is wonderful….it’s raw and unadulterated. It heals my soul on those hard days.

So, I’m just suggesting…if you’re having a bad day, and need to try something different……

Go find some mud.

✌️

Shassy

Here’s my girl on one of her spa days.

My MudBug
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Vibration tracks that help heal your soul

selective focus photography of red waterlily flower in bloom

Vibration tracks that help heal your soul

Sound and vibration therapy uses aspects of music to improve physical and emotional health and well-being. The person being treated must be with an experienced experienced trained practitioner. Music therapy may involve:

  • listening to music
  • singing along to music
  • moving to the beat of the music
  • meditating with vibration/and or sound waves—(this is my preferred method)
  • playing an instrument

Healing with sound is believed to date back to ancient times, when music was used in an attempt to cure mental disorders. Throughout history, music has been used to boost morale in military troops, and help people work more productively, along with many different spiritual uses. (cited from this article)

Vibration sounds, meditation healing sounds, have all been proven to help you relax and help your body heal.

I’ve included a link to a place where you can get those here.

I personally like to put on headphones and just zone out with binaural beats, and let the sounds seep into my brain. It sends me into a trance like state. Pretty cool and bizarre if you have never meditated before.

I suggest you try it… people have been healing the body WITHOUT pharma for thousands of years.

But I’m not a big pharma fan, so there’s that.

✌️

Shassy

Vibration
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The last 2 days have been “work myself into exhaustion”. PTSD, MDD were kicking my butt.

THE LAST 2 DAYS HAVE BEEN A “WORK MYSELF INTO EXHAUSTION” EVENT. PTSD, MDD were kicking my butt.

The last 2 days have been a bit rough on the mental health side of my life. I started struggling on Saturday because it was my brothers birthday and I don’t know where or if he even “is”. He’s been gone for 12 years.

Major Depressive Disorder is described as having feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, irritability, and morbid thoughts, just to name a few. As described HERE via Mayo Clinic.

(click on any underlined word to get more details and descriptions.)

The mental health diagnoses that I have cycle. I’ll be good for a few days, then it’s like the dark cloud of doom arrives. I cry for no reason, feel like I have failed my family and friends, feel guilty for things that I haven’t done wrong, feel like I’m ugly, like my body is too fat, or that I walk funny. I understand where these feelings come from, logically, but I can’t stop them from happening.

So I cope. If the weather is nice I go outside. I go outside as much as possible to get out in nature and away from people and town anyway. These last few days, the weather has been nice and I poured myself into my Jeep mini camper project. I worked on hanging a new cattle panel gate that needed some adjustments. I got the tractor out and pulled up unnecessary t-posts to ready for new electric fence line. I moved a round bale in preparation for when Sadie finishes the current one.

I bashed my hand when the ratchet slipped off of a bolt… THAT hurt like a little whiney bitch…had to do some breathing to get through that. Whacked my ankle with the end of a log chain that I was using to pull up t-posts… that one hurt too. I’m a clutz sometimes.

The physical pain of those things oddly allows me to direct my emotional pain into something that I can deal with. I don’t hurt myself on purpose, but when I do, it’s like there’s something tangible for me to work through. A few years ago, I had picked up an unhealthy coping skill of intentionally hurting myself. I know, that’s not good, and I was able to work through that with my therapist and I do not do that anymore.

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Working myself into a dither is a thing I do sometimes to get emotions out. It’s probably not the healthiest, but I am in fairly good shape for my age, so it doesn’t “hurt” me, and allows my mind to shut the fuck up, and my body to expend energy, and I get shit done.

The joy from these past few days? When I’m out at the ranch working on things, I let Sadie out for her walkabout. She’s got 180 acres she can run around on. I sometimes just sit and watch her, and she’s always watching me and what I’m doing. When she’s feeling her oats, she’ll take off and just run…. I love to watch her do that with her mane and tail flying in the air. One of these times I’ll get it on video, but most of the time I just smile and it fills my heart with joy.

Also all of our cats at the ranch… they are like little dogs, following me around, hanging out in my jeep when I’m working on it. That brings me joy as well. The birds singing, the crow I’ve befriended caw-cawing at me to bring him or her a snack. The other night I had my jeep set up enough for me to stay in it, and I opened the back hatch, watched the sunset with no interference from buildings, and after the sun went down, heard the coyotes singing the song of their people.

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Even though I’m physically exhausted, I feel somewhat emotionally calmer. Or not as depressed and not having as many morbid thoughts, like I’d be better off not on this planet.

My therapist and I have worked out coping skills for when this happens, and these are a couple of them. In almost 8 years of therapy with the same trauma therapist, I know now that I will never be able to eliminate these mental health issues. (Ptsd, cptsd, mdd, bpd, gad, and tbi from head trauma). So we’ve set up a list of ways I can cope, with protocol when things get really bad and all of the tools in my toolbox aren’t working. I have crisis on speed dial.

And that is ok.

Accepting myself the way I am now, is something that I am still working on, but getting better. It does get frustrating to know that this is just the way I am, and that I will have to always have these cycles of ups and downs, morbid thoughts, anxiety, flashbacks, etc.

It just gets tiring sometimes. Some days I’m so tired of fighting it. So so tired.

But I’ve been given another day on this planet. So I’m accepting it with a grateful heart, and taking it one hour, one minute at a time.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk. Lol

✌️

Shassy

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If you or someone you know is struggling with crisis, or suicide, please text 988 for immediate help. 988

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Keywords: suicide, 988, mental health, get help, struggling, exhaustion, coping skills, self harm