Category Archives: mental health

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Continued Changes…next 4 days. Please bear with me! (Me⬅️get a grip!)

    I’m making some changes to my website over the next few days. Revamping, etc. Please be patient with me.

    These last few days have been rough. Technical difficulties, ptsd symptoms, unidentified back problem. But the highlights have been taking my myself out in nature and just breathing.

    Yesterday I worked on a new electric fence lines… posts were already up, but the deer were chewing through the line, and the fencer itself was ancient. So, I kept trudging along, getting my steps in. Whatever is wrong with my back doesn’t cause pain when I walk, just when I bend over or try to sit up. Blah blah…getting old isn’t for wussies.

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    Photo by Martin de Arriba on Pexels.com

    Just wanted to share this dog food again… it’s the ONLY dog food that my girl can eat.

    My Girl Zoey
    My Girl Zoey

    Anyway, I’m realizing that I can’t control everything… and I really shouldn’t try. I didn’t realize that I was doing that…and the tighter I’ve been trying to hold on, the less I feel like I have a grip. The ole’ “get a grip”….I’ve got mine too tight, and things are falling down around me.

    Years ago I used to be less of a “get a grip” type of person.. I’m not sure what has happened over the last few years to make me change, but I have, and now I need to work on realizing that I don’t have control.

    Continued Changes…next 4 days. Please bear with me! (Me⬅️get a grip!)

    Last year I started learning about online business. I spent that whole year learning and expanding my techy nerd status. I also learned what I want to do, and what I don’t want to do, as far as online business is concerned.

    I’ve decided to do it the old fashioned way. I don’t have the funds to run a lot of paid ads, so I’m mostly using YouTube (new channel), Instagram, Twitter, Medium and FB. I don’t do much on facebook other than cross post. Twitter and Medium is more for my poetry, and YouTube, Instagram and my blog is everything.

    If you want to access any of those other platforms, you can via THIS LINK…it’s my linktree.

    Anyway, just an update, my site is changing and I wanted to fill you in. Thanks for your support.

    ✌️

    Shassy

    PS. Here’s a short clip of some of the things I post on YouTube

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    Social Media Break. I need one, my mind needs one, and my heart needs one.

    person holding white chalk
    Social media break
    Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

    This post is mostly for therapy today, so there’s your disclaimer.

    I’m seriously considering ETC treatments, my psych med provider is checking into ketamine treatments. I am researching hallucinogenic mushroom treatments…though I think all that is really available is getting into a study. I’ll link one that I found the last time I did research.

    At the present moment I’m fighting off a mild panic attack. I’m feeling shame, guilt. I don’t know why, I haven’t done anything. Though I think it’s all tied into the realization that I fell off the wagon with my binge eating….I know that sounds stupid, but that’s the way it goes. I screw up, then all the things I ever did wrong, that I can remember from 15 years ago, comes flooding back.

    All the times I drank too much, and drove. Acted very less than lady-like, as my Grandma would say. The times I intentionally hurt myself because I was trying to put some kind of focus on the pain I was feeling. I know have scars to remind me daily. I even found a picture while I was learning something new about my phone…making a movie…you have to scroll through to get the pictures you want, and yadda yadda, I found pictures of my arms.

    I feel the ruminants of childhood pain. That’s what it feels like. How I felt when I was a kid. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

    Logically I understand the process, what my brain is doing. But emotionally I go through it all again.. I could try to block it out, but that never works. Never ever. So I sit here and just feel it. It is tiring, frustrating, and I beat myself up for being human. It’s like a dog chasing its tail, I cycle around and around and around….sitting on a merry-go-round stuck to a plastic horse that’s attached by a pole, spinning out of control. I can’t get off the horse, or exit the ride. The times the merry go round slows down enough for me to touch solid ground, I’m wasted, dizzy, nauseous and stumbling around like a cripple. That’s how I feel… crippled.

    Two days later…..

    Ok, so I stopped writing this because I typing was even too much. It’s two days later, and I needed to finish.

    The episode passed. I wrote a poem, and now I’m nursing my back again.

    Now I just feel numb… which is what happens. I feel nothing. Well, I feel tired. So I’m being present, and just feeling whatever it is that comes around. I’ll work through it, and move forward.

    As I’m reading this post, I can see my emotions, feelings and thoughts go up and down…two days ago I was feeling like the biggest piece of shit on the planet, and now I’m feeling nothing but blandness and exhaustion. I am glad that I’m feeling better about myself in general, because that just sucks. I think I’ll spend the night in the Jeep tonight, and listen to nature. I’m staying off of social media, with the exception of my own content, and the occasional checking of my security cams. I. Have. To. Take. A. Break.

    ✌️

    Shassy

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    Flubbed the parameters of MMPB this week, but here it is anyway. 24 Mar 23

    I have a bad habit of reading what the prompt word is, and sometimes pondering, then seeing if I come up with something.

    Only thing I forget to do sometimes, is read what kind of week it is. 🙄

    So I just took the prompt word, “Daydream” and starting writing.

    Guess what? It didn’t fit, but I liked what I wrote… so here ‘tis.

    DAYDREAM

    “Daydream of crystal springs, rippling smoothly flowing streams.

    Hot sand blowing, stinging

    Heat waves on your face.

    Daydream of quiet falling snowflakes, landing so gently upon your face, like that is exactly where they were meant to fall.

    Each one completely different from the other,

    And yet the same.

    Daydream of summer thunderstorms,

    Standing in the rain and the cleansing it creates within your soul.

    Daydream of your heart filled with love and compassion.

    Daydream of those special places tucked deep inside,

    And daydream them back into life.

    Just daydream. “

    ©️shassyswalkabout.com

    #daydream #MoveMePoetry #MMPoetryBattle #writing #poetry #writingcommunity #poetrycommunity #copyrightshassyswalkaboutdotcom

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    So, what now. Up all night, tired, cranky, 0 motivation, on a scale of 0-10. 10 being the bestest ever in life. (Yes, I’m being a crybabysissybedwetter…I’ll get over it).

    adult alone autumn brick

    I’m in the cycle where I’m not sleeping normal… then I’m tired during the day. Random anxiety attacks, and over all not wanting to deal with anything social or human.

    So what. I’m sure there’s others out there going through the same thing. It’ll pass.

    Plus, I binge eat. It’s something that’s just sort of manifested that last couple of years. I’ve been working really hard to not do that…my labs came back good, except my LDL was 111. Last lab I took, it was 87.

    I can’t explain this binge eating, and it’s only with sweet stuff…over the last few weeks, I’ve done ok at not reaching for that unhealthy coping skill, but last night I fell off the wagon and ate chocolate fudge cake mix. Yea, just the mix. Well, mixed with some warm butter and water. That sounds disgusting now as I think about it, and it’s made my sick today, because it’s too much processed food, sugar and all of the things that my body isn’t used to anymore.

    So, what now. Up all night, tired, cranky, 0 motivation, on a scale of 0-10. 10 being the bestest ever in life. (Yes, I’m being a crybabysissybedwetter…I’ll get over it).

    I’ve got to get this in check. I’ve lost 14 pounds so far, and I don’t want to screw it up by getting back on the sugar shack train. Eating chocolate fudge cake batter is just stupid.

    I have a body image issue, body dysmorphia is what it’s called I think. I’ve had it my whole life, but never understood it until a few years ago. I won’t go into the details, but you can read about it here.

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    I feel guilty..which is an important note. Back in the day when I would drink a lot to cope, a lot of times because of the situation, the next day I would wake up and feel like I had committed the seven deadly sins. I felt so much guilt for how I acted while under the influence. The stupid things I did, the times that only the good Lord above saved me, when I should have been taking a dirt nap.

    The guilt is a symptom of another symptom. Addiction. I’m an addict. If I’m not careful, my go-to “drug of choice”, can and does change. Recently it’s been sweets and sugar. I’ve just transferred my addiction…to something else. I’m not drinking, abusing medication, doing illegal drugs…but I am acting like an addict.

    Maybe one or two bites of the cake batter would have been fine…but my brain goes haywire and I over do it, and binge. The next day I feel like shit, and guilty, as the spiral starts.

    This is what happens when I don’t keep an eye on my mental health. I mean I’m trying to do “the things”, and stay active, but addiction is a sneaky little bastard, and sometimes I fail.

    I don’t know right now if there was a trigger, or if it’s the moon cycle, or if I’m just going through it again. What I do know is that my body CAN NOT handle the binge. I know this.

    Jamaican Blue Mountain “The Java of Kings”
    Up all night
    Photo by Martin de Arriba on Pexels.com

    This is my favorite coffee, btw.

    Ok, so I had to add in my favorite coffee as of right now. I can’t believe how great it is. There’s a video of me somewhere doing an unboxing…I’ll try to find it to add to this post. Not that that will make you want to buy some, but you should. It’s roasted in America, shipped and packaged by a small company, and I just love it.

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    So, I’m doing what my shrink told me to, write about how I’m feeling and learn to be vulnerable. This is difficult sometimes. I don’t want to admit that I still struggle with addiction. But I do. Time to reset and forgive myself. I am worth it. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

    Thanks for coming to my ramblings.

    ✌️

    Shassy

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    Here’s me and Fletch. A horse I rode for a day, who taught me something about forgiveness.

    Here’s me and Fletch. I was riding him with some other people a few years ago. Really nice little medicine cap gelding. Had the patience of a saint. I really enjoyed riding him that day, he was calm, eager and ready to go do something.

    Me and Fletch

    It was an enjoyable ride, and he never gave anything but his best for me.

    He is now owned and loved by a family who has little kids. The patience he shows with those kids is priceless. Standing and allowing them to learn how to mount up and accepting their youth and learning.

    Horses are an amazingly forgiving animal, in most cases. They tolerate our mistakes, our inability to figure out quickly what their language is, so an effective team and trust can be built. They listen to your heartbeat, and breathing, and can tell if you are anxious or scared. Without proper learned communication, this just makes the horse anxious, just like us.

    Here’s me and Fletch. A horse I rode for a day, who taught me something about forgiveness.

    A horse like Fletch can’t tell us what his past has been, but from when I rode him, he was accepting of this new stranger on his back, and made ME confident. It’s always a guess when I get on a new horse, to test out for someone, or just riding someone else’s horse. Fletch told me “Hi new human! I’m Fletch, and I’m going to show you that I’m good, and I’ll take care of you on our ride today”.

    He did just that.

    If your horse is reacting, check yourself, your feelings, and your emotional status… it may be that you just need to have a talk, and spend some time getting to know each other, at liberty. 

    What do you think about horses? Have you ever had any experience with them? Do you have a communication problem with them? Let me know

    I am keeping my socials to Instagram, and my YouTube channel that I am building. And of course my blog. But you can access those socials via this link https://linktr.ee/hrsygirl. I’m also on Reddit, and that is a wonderful place to get advice, inspiration, and to share whatever you are going through in life. I am starting from scratch building my YouTube. Even if you don’t use those socials, I would really be super appreciative if you should share at least my blog posts, to get the word out. My goal is to get out from under the thumb of the gov, and not have to rely on $1000 a month to live on. I’m doing it the old fashioned way by picking the best platforms for that. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t be able to do it without support, and encouragement .. ✌️💜😊

    ✌️

    Shassy

     #horses  #gooutside #animals #healing #trust #atliberty 

    #ptsdawareness #mentalhealthawareness

    Here’s me and Fletch
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    Move Me Poetry Battle Submission 17 Mar 23

    cirrus clouds

    Move Me Poetry Battle Submission 17 Mar 23

    The Move Me Poetry Battle prompt for this week is “Dissolve”.

    Dissolve my anguishes and reach into my heart

    Remove remorse, guilt and bring forth a new start.

    Vanquish blurry nightmares with a swift new breeze

    Engulf my lungs with the air that frees.

    Remove any tenacious lingering pain

    Replace it with fresh light and hopes that remain.

    Give strength that embraces a new view of life

    One that understands and flows without great strife.

    Continue to steady, 
    support and give patience

    As life is a lesson in worth of conveyance.

    Seek out the fresh streams that cleanse my soul

    Wash my body clean of strenuous control.

    Empower me with freedom to seek arduous rising

    That uplifts and removes the never ending capsizing.

    Seek within me the wheels of smooth growth

    So I can see the bright light of my own oath.

    To continue to fight, this menace of death,

    Which steals and destroys my life’s precious breath.

    For I know in my soul that blessings abound,

    All I must do is keep steady, and sound.

    This is my declaration to dissolve,

    The demons that haunt me within my resolve.

    Banish you trickster, for you have no claim

    As I move forward, ignoring your distain.

    My life belongs to me; you are nothing but a gar

    I will wipe you away, like the infection you are,

    I’m still here creating, living and you are just huffing

    Soon to be forgotten like nothing,

    Blown away, sloughed off like yesterday’s uncoupling.

    Shining days ahead without you in my head,

    I will win the battle, even if by a thin thread. 
    ©️shassyswalkabout.com 2013–2023

    #movemepoetrybattle #movemepoetry #poetry #poetrycommunity #writingcommuniy

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    Being alone forces me to step into my fears.

    cirrus clouds

    Being alone forces me to step into my fears.

    I am still testing, adjusting, and building out my #jeepminicamper. The other night I was parked away from any building, in a nook surrounded by some small trees to try to get out of the wind.

    It was about 10-ish, and I rolled down the window and was just looking around. I had gotten out earlier, and just stood there and listened. All I heard was the wind.

    As I was looking around a giant panic attack came over me. Why? Who knows… I found no trigger. But I stood there and realized that other than my dog, I was alone. (Within touching distance). For some reason this hit me, and the panic attack got worse.

    I don’t quite understand…I’m “alone” all of the time. I don’t socialize, other than phone calls and social media. I don’t go out to events, and I’m totally ok with that. I understand that I have issues, lol, but I’m slowly understanding that even though I do my best to manage symptoms, my brain still defaults to “time to freak out” mode.

    Nature is my happy place. I don’t care if it’s dark, light, hot or cold… when I’m in nature I feel my best. So when this happened, I was caught off guard, because, obviously I was out in nature.

    I’m serious…the general “fear”….my brain went off the chain…my thoughts were so irrational, like “what if there’s a mountain lion out in the trees”, to “there could be a person hiding somewhere”. WTF. Seriously?

    Here’s what I caught on my phone. I set it up and left it until what was left of my battery died. No edits, these are the colors it captured. Simply beautiful.

    I have a big mouth dog that hears stuff way before I do. Who protects me and loves nature and being outdoors. (Except when it’s too cold or too hot….she’s a couch dog.) She’s smart. If there were a boogie man or boogie mountain lion, she would have smelled it way before I had even exited the car. This is what I had to tell myself. I had to put myself back in the present, instead of in the twilight zone, and calm my ass down.

    Being alone forces me to step into my fears.
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    I’ve never had that happen when I’m camping/hiking etc. Never had an out of the blue panic attack. But as I go on this journey, of “all of this”, I’m learning that the brain is tricky. There could have been something that triggered a repressed memory, and caused the switch to flip in the ole’ noggin. That’s the only thing I can come up with at this point. Fortunately, it didn’t last very long, as I went through coping skills, and looked up at the night sky and realized how calming it really is.

    So in a round about way, nature brought me back and told me I was ok. That’s the way I see it anyhow.

    So now we are testing the boundaries of newly found, long buried fears. Fear has always been a huge debilitating weakness for me. Ever since I was a small child. I would think something was happening and literally freeze with fear. One instance, I was living with my grandparents, and I was upstairs going to the bathroom, and I froze with fear, thinking there was something on my back. I kept whispering “Grandma!”, and somehow her radar ears heard my whispers, and she came upstairs. I told her there was something on my back, and she looked and found nothing, and she settled me back in bed.

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    Fear is paralyzing, and if I feel it coming on, I fight hard to stand against it. Literally, I can channel my fear into fight or protection in a nano second. Which is good in some cases…others not so much. If that transition of fear into fight, happens to be coupled with my very slowly growing anger….then I warn people and try my very best to walk away.

    Anyway, the whole point of this post is that I’ve learned something new about mental illness, mine in particular.

    Growth takes time, and I have to continue to be open when new things like this happen, so I don’t take 10 steps backwards, and fall into the valley of despair.

    If you are going through something similar, I feel you. You are not alone.

    Peace out from Daenerys… the #jeepminicamper

    ✌️

    Shassy

    Being alone
    The view of the moon from Daenerys, the #jeepminicamper
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    How social media forces me to step away, and the (my) cycle of mental illness.

    Social media is great… especially for people like me who are introverts, but want to keep in touch.

    But it gets to be too much sometimes. So I step away. I put my phone on do not disturb, so I don’t constantly see notifications, and I just write, rest, or spend time in nature.

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    In the process of hurting my back, and doing the things needed to get it healed up, I was sort of forced into a break, but I slowly realized I was needing one anyway.

    If you know my story, then you know I struggle with mental health diagnoses, and as much as I would love to be “even keel”, and emotionally leveled out, the fact is I’m not that way.

    I’ve been working on my #jeepminicamper and that has been a source of accomplishment, and also a way to distract my mind from morbid thoughts, unrealistic fears, and some depression.

    The thing about mental illness, for me anyway, if I don’t manage it right, all of the things I do to distract my mind, come creeping back up if I try to pretend that they aren’t there. So I just deal with it. I put myself in the very present, noting the things around me, what I’m doing, or not doing. What is actually real, and not some illogical thought process that is stemming directly from a ptsd symptom, or a cloud of oppressive depression.

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    It’s hard. It’s just hard some days. I get tired. I get frustrated, I get angry, I cry. I question everything, I question my life’s worth, I question my worth as a human being, I even guestion the things that bring me peace, wondering if I’m even worth peace.

    Those things are the trickery and deception of mental illness. It comes to steal kill and destroy. Destroy families, destroy relationships, friendships, and in worst case it will take your life.

    How social media forces me to step away, and the (my) cycle of mental illness.

    I’m hyper vigilant…this stems from a home invasion, and domestic violence. But that hyper vigilance seeps into other areas… and compounds symptoms. If I’m going through a cycle of depressive episodes, that hyper vigilance will look for everything that is depressing in my life… logical? Absolutely not, but that’s the cycle some days.

    So today’s ramblings are what I’m currently struggling with. I share because I know I’m not alone in struggling with mental health… although I am physically alone, I still want to be open and share, because someone else needs to hear that they are not alone.

    You are not alone.

    I may not be the best to talk to all the time, but I will listen, and be an ear. Sometimes that’s all a person needs.

    So with that, I’m peacin’ out for today.

    Thanks for listening. I’m working on a podcast, but it’s new territory for me, so please be patient. Also, please share, like, subscribe if you feel inclined, I would truly appreciate it.

    ✌️

    Click the my picture to see all my social links.
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    Somehow I have hurt my back. So it’s ice/heat, my favorite HC product, and tens unit for a few days.

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    Somehow I’ve hurt my back.

    I’ve been redoing, upgrading, readjusting the #jeepminicamper, and at some point in the last three days I’ve hurt my lower back. Feels muscular, so I’m doing ice, heat, my go-to HC pain salve, and my tens unit.

    Usually when I hurt myself, the tens unit and Humble Collective Pain Salve knocks it out with a couple of sessions.

    This is different. I can barely breath without pain. So I’m hoping I just pulled some muscles really bad.. I didn’t feel anything give, and was lifting some weird shapes and at weird angles, which is what I think caused it.

    On a lighter note, I think I’m going to try a different setup in the mini camper. I watched someone’s video in which she lives in her suv, and the setup looked more space efficient.

    So as soon as I’m healed up, I’m going to try it out and see if I like it better. 🤷🏻‍♀️.

    Somehow I have hurt my back. So it’s ice/heat, my favorite HC product, and tens unit for a few days.
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    I want to shout out to my main plant medicine partner, Humble Collective. I use their mushroom hot chocolate, all of their help derived, legal products for pain and symptoms of my mental illnesses. But I reach for this when I have severe pain, like now. It is a game changer. You can also get a $10 off coupon if you use my link. It will help me and it will definitely help you. (Click on the picture, here on any of the colored words, or HERE to get your own.)

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    I have such a small space that I need to make it the most comfortable, efficient and have a good ease of use. The thing I’ve noticed is that on my bed platform, when I’m sitting on it, I have to slouch a tiny bit, or my head hits the roof… I think the way I’m going to rearrange it, will take care of that. I also don’t go in and out if the back at this point. So I think space could be better utilized in a different arrangement.

    I’ll post a before and after.

    Meanwhile….

    ✌️

    Shassy

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    by

    Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization. My response: nothing, it causes me anxiety.

    Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization…

    I told them nothing, it causes me anxiety.

    My biggest, newest tool I’ve added to my toolbox is staying in my #jeepminicamper out in nature. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m getting there. It’s working the best thus far.

    I do still use my other coping skills… 4-7-8 breathing, snapping a rubber band, safe place, finding five things in my present that I can either see, feel, hear that helps ground me when I’m in full out flashback or panic attack mode.

    I don’t always know when symptoms are going to happen. I can’t always identify the triggers.

    In worst case scenario, my therapist and I have a set protocol that I follow.

    Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization. My response: nothing, it causes me anxiety.

    I do all my coping skills, and if that doesn’t work, I call crisis, and if that doesn’t work, I check myself into the hospital. That has happened five times.

    But I started this conversion of my jeep, and it’s helped to focus on a task, and it allows me to do what is the most functional for treating symptoms, at this moment. The thing that I’ve learned that is most important for me, is to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes on second at a time.

    Someone asked me what I do for socialization
    Portable mini wood cook stove

    I still have a few more things to do to finish, but I’m getting there. Like purchase this mini wood stove… love it.

    Here’s a quick video of a work day… can’t get any better.

    My goal with building this is to also be able to share the process, and help others. I plan to be on the road for trips later this summer. Still have a few more things to add… but I’ll get there.

    This has been such a learning experience. I had no idea what I was doing when I started considering this. But I watched a lot of videos, asked a lot of questions, and have made a lot of mistakes.

    As I’ve been staying in it, I tweak this or that. I still have to make the window coverings, but until then the huge amount of heat was just escaping through the windows…so, I just hung up some small throw blankets, and it’s made a huge difference. Right now I am close to electricity, until I get everything finished. I have put a little heater in the vehicle because it’s got down to the 20’s and 30’s at night. I have a good sleeping bag and Zoey has her bed, and we snuggle up under the sleeping bag and stay warm. I actually think that my sleep has been better. I’m still working on the bed….I put down some memory foam (full sized folded three times), and that has made a huge difference. I’ll keep working on it until it’s just the way I want it, but right now it’s perfect.

    So this is the reason…I’m not 28 anymore, I’m not using alcohol or other unhealthy coping skills, I’m developing more coping skills, that are bringing me peace.

    Life is weird, and I believe everything happens for a reason. Whatever the reason, it is time for me to do this, and other than making my back sore now and then, it’s working.

    Don’t be afraid to try new things…You may surprise yourself.

    ✌️

    Shassy

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    My favorite view.