Category Archives: Home invasion

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How social media forces me to step away, and the (my) cycle of mental illness.

Social media is great… especially for people like me who are introverts, but want to keep in touch.

But it gets to be too much sometimes. So I step away. I put my phone on do not disturb, so I don’t constantly see notifications, and I just write, rest, or spend time in nature.

https://atomic-temporary-41308365.wpcomstaging.com/cbd/

In the process of hurting my back, and doing the things needed to get it healed up, I was sort of forced into a break, but I slowly realized I was needing one anyway.

If you know my story, then you know I struggle with mental health diagnoses, and as much as I would love to be “even keel”, and emotionally leveled out, the fact is I’m not that way.

I’ve been working on my #jeepminicamper and that has been a source of accomplishment, and also a way to distract my mind from morbid thoughts, unrealistic fears, and some depression.

The thing about mental illness, for me anyway, if I don’t manage it right, all of the things I do to distract my mind, come creeping back up if I try to pretend that they aren’t there. So I just deal with it. I put myself in the very present, noting the things around me, what I’m doing, or not doing. What is actually real, and not some illogical thought process that is stemming directly from a ptsd symptom, or a cloud of oppressive depression.

https://atomic-temporary-41308365.wpcomstaging.com/if-you-are-suicidal/

It’s hard. It’s just hard some days. I get tired. I get frustrated, I get angry, I cry. I question everything, I question my life’s worth, I question my worth as a human being, I even guestion the things that bring me peace, wondering if I’m even worth peace.

Those things are the trickery and deception of mental illness. It comes to steal kill and destroy. Destroy families, destroy relationships, friendships, and in worst case it will take your life.

How social media forces me to step away, and the (my) cycle of mental illness.

I’m hyper vigilant…this stems from a home invasion, and domestic violence. But that hyper vigilance seeps into other areas… and compounds symptoms. If I’m going through a cycle of depressive episodes, that hyper vigilance will look for everything that is depressing in my life… logical? Absolutely not, but that’s the cycle some days.

So today’s ramblings are what I’m currently struggling with. I share because I know I’m not alone in struggling with mental health… although I am physically alone, I still want to be open and share, because someone else needs to hear that they are not alone.

You are not alone.

I may not be the best to talk to all the time, but I will listen, and be an ear. Sometimes that’s all a person needs.

So with that, I’m peacin’ out for today.

Thanks for listening. I’m working on a podcast, but it’s new territory for me, so please be patient. Also, please share, like, subscribe if you feel inclined, I would truly appreciate it.

✌️

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NaNoWriMo 50k Words during November

NaNoWriMo 50k words during November

NaNoWriMo shassyswalkabout.com writing poetry
NaNoWriMo poetry writing 50k words shassyswalkabout.com

During the month of November, I am participating in a writing challenge through the non profit called NaNoWriMo. (See link for more info).

NaNoWriMo.org

https://NaNoWriMo.org

This is a challenge where you can network with other writers, the general public, or completely keep your writing private. It runs until the end of November, and the challenge is to write at least 50,000 words. That’s 50k.

I’m at a little over 10k right now.

If you divide it up, it’s writing approximately 2000 words a day. That’s easy to do if you can get in your zone.

Let me know what you think. 😊

If you don’t see much of me on here, that’s why. I’m in my mojo and writing, though I will try to check in and share my progress.

✌️

Shassy

You can click here for all of my sites and info. 😊

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Dealing with it. Life is hard. It’s hard to be strong

woman holding her head

Dealing with it.

Dealing with it.
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Weighted Blankets
from: Thera

Weighted blankets are a LIFESAVER. Check it out, and get yourself one. THEY WORK.

Dealing with it.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since I’ve been on leave, and some stuff that pops into my head is just bizarre.  Like for instance…I have had about 4 “nightmares”.  I put them in quotes because a nightmare for me could just be considered weird for others.  This being because I have never had nightmare, never ever….Not at all.  I can/could watch the scariest movie and not have a nightmare. (I don’t know why they call it nightmares, it makes me think of going out to the pasture and seeing my mares at night…not at all bad, rather enjoyable actually.)

Dealing with it

Anyway, he put me on medication to help with nightmares, that I wasn’t having–until after taking the medication. What a wonderful way to start the month. He also put me medication to help me sleep, for which it did not; but it did help me look like a toad. That I can’t stand– I can’t handle a body image issues right now, I’m dealing with too many other things.

So I decided to be my own doctor and wean myself off of the so-called sleeping medication and I quit taking the medication that was supposed to help me not have nightmares, although I still don’t know why he prescribed that for me because I wasn’t having nightmares until after I started taking it. Which doesn’t make any fucking sense whatsoever. So I’ve been off of the sleeping medication and I almost instantly dropped about 10 pounds. But that isn’t enough.

And again, you guessed it he had to change my medication again because obviously what he had put me on wasn’t working. Captain Obvious finally listened to me when I told him I wasn’t going to be a guinea pig. I understand that I need a mood stabilizer…. That part I get. But I also know some things about what I can and cannot put into my body…remind me to tell you my ambien story….anyway…I told him I needed a powerful, old school sleeping medication… I need to be pretty much doped up and tranquilized to sleep due to my high anxiety and fear issues. So…that’s what he did.

This past week I have slept between five and six hours a night…and let me tell you that is a freakin miracle. I haven’t done that in forever…I mean like FOREVER….since Reagan was in office I think. Seriously. Anyway, so now I have started a simple workout plan that I can do at home, and my shrink and I have set a target date for me to go back to work. Although she only wants me to work part time and during he day. (That should be interesting trying to convince a multi billion dollar company to let me make my own schedule. Haha.)

Dealing with it.

So the title of this post is dealing with it. Some people have been wondering what the fuck I have to deal with. And when I give them the shortened version, they usually just say “man that sucks.” Yea it does suck. But what I don’t say is that he beat me, raped me–more than once. Then when I finally got the nerve to walk away, he couldn’t handle it.

Then came the stalking and home invasion. And a host of years of not being able to function, therapy, losing it all…home, vehicles, horses…everything. I was homeless at one point in 2011. So I finally learn that I can’t be around hostility or violence, I learn to watch and figure out what the red flags were/are…I learn that all the years of hostility have affected me. (Well duh..I’ve already figured that out.) And in that process, the “triggers” have been removed. Alcohol has been removed from it’s pedestal….holds no bandaging properties any longer. What I’ve been told recently though is “don’t live in the past”.

Well, I’m not. But trauma causes lingering affects that, if not dealt with, cause issues. I’d like that person to tell a combat veteran, who has seen combat,  to “not live in the past”.  

Good luck on that one.  

Or a cop that has been in a situation where he has had to draw his gun and shoot…good luck with that one too.  Hence my losing everything…etc etc. So fast forward to 2013. I find a job that I like, and also find two people who are hostile. So, if you have ever had that dream where you are falling?? That’s what it was like for me…flashbacks, panic attacks….and I find myself on leave and in intense therapy, feeling hopeless and fearful.

Number one, I should’nt have to feel that way at work. There is no number two.  So here we are.   I have to figure out a way to go to my supervisors and tell them that another employee has been hostile and it’s been directed towards me. That should go over well.  Given that the other employee is in a supervisory position as well.  

Add to that, my medical doctor wants me to move departments because we believe and have come to the conclusion that a cleaning agent that is used irritates my lungs, making me more susceptible to infection….the first six months I worked there I got viral pneumonia and bacterial bronchitis…I’ve never had that many pulmonary issues so close together, ever.  

So I need to see how that works, convincing my company that I need to move to a different department, or at least have limited exposure.  Yea…I know what you’re thinking….I’m screwed.  I’m replaceable, and they don’t need me.  Someone told me that there is a no tolerance for hostility at work.  Yippee….I should be set then.

Wish me luck…I’m tired of it all…tired of worrying, fighting….I just want to find that happy place and live.  Judas titts….is it that hard?

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Analyzing Trauma continued

anonymous woman with tied hands against gray background

Analyzing Trauma continued

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What is TRAUMA? Mirriam Webster defines trauma as: (I copied and pasted directly from this link, you can access it here. )

“trauma

 noun

trau·​ma |  \ ˈtrȯ-mə   also ˈtrau̇-   \

plural traumas also traumata\ ˈtrȯ-​mə-​tə  also   ˈtrau̇-​   \

Definition of trauma

1a:  an injury (such as a wound) to living tissue caused by an extrinsic agent

b: a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury

c: an emotional upset the personal trauma of an executive who is not living up to his own expectations— Karen W. Arenson

2: an agent, force, or mechanism that causes trauma

silhouette of man at daytime
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Trauma is the Greek word for “wound”. Although the Greeks used the term only for physical injuries, nowadays trauma is just as likely to refer to emotional wounds. We now know that a traumatic event can leave psychological symptoms long after any physical injuries have healed. The psychological reaction to emotional trauma now has an established name: post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. It usually occurs after an extremely stressful event, such as wartime combat, a natural disaster, or sexual or physical abuse; its symptoms include depression, anxiety, flashbacks, and recurring nightmares.“ cited directly from this link Merriam Webster.

How do we recover from trauma? Good question. One source stated there are phases to trauma recovery. Click here to read that article.

In this publication, it states that trauma recovery happens in these phases. (Click any underlined, or bold letters/words to see the article this information is cited from. )

“According to the Extended Transformational Model, trauma recovery happens in five stages:

  1. Pre-trauma characteristics. These refer to the traits and viewpoints you held before the trauma. You can think of this stage as your general state when the trauma occurs.
  2. Rumination. In this stage, your brain works to process the trauma and figure out what happened. You may have a lot of strong feelings and intrusive memories at this stage.
  3. Event centrality. This stage marks a turning point. Here, you take stock of how trauma has changed your life and what you want to do going forward. 
  4. Control. In this stage, you begin taking active steps to change your life and cope with your trauma symptoms.
  5. Mastery. Here, you begin to adjust to your new, post-trauma life, refining your coping skills as you go. While the trauma may still affect you, at this stage it no longer controls your life.”

Each and every one of us handles trauma differently. You may not go through each phase or step the same as the next person. That’s ok.

What are the signs of emotional trauma?

Psychological Concerns: Anxiety and panic attacks, fear, anger, irritability, obsessions and compulsions, shock and disbelief, emotional numbing and detachment, depression, shame and guilt (especially if the person dealing with the trauma survived while others didn’t) Cited from Google search.

Trauma often causes PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. Mayo clinic states that PTSD can be caused from a person going through any kind of traumatic event, whether it’s emotional, or physical. (Click here to read the entire article).

What kind of mental disorders can be causes from trauma?

In my experience, here is what has happened to me, personally due to trauma.

Abuse of alcohol and prescription drugs. (past)
Diagnosis of PTSD, BPD, APD, GAD, MDD
Unable to function on a daily basis
Unable to keep a job
Thoughts of suicide, with at least one time having a plan to do so.

Trauma has been a part of my life since I was born. I know nothing else. I adapted certain coping mechanisms in order to survive. As I got older, they weren’t always healthy coping skills, but they got me through, none the less. (Though I wouldn’t recommend some of those ”coping skills” to anyone else.)

What has saved me these past few years is having a crisis number to call, having my therapist, and having coping skills. You an also text a crisis line now. 741741 is supposed to be a New York based non profit that responds and helps deescalate a situation, and then gets the person in touch with a local entity that can help them for further treatment. I haven’t tried it, yet. I usually call my local crisis line.

There is help. Please reach out to someone if you are feeling suicidal, or having morbid thoughts. Death is a permanent ending to this life on this planet. Permanent.

Analyzing trauma
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My short story is now available on Barnes & Noble.

My short story is now available at Barnes and Noble.

Ramblings of a Damaged Mind

Yay! My short story is also now available on BARNES AND NOBLE

You can get it HERE.

This started as a therapy tool. I was having an extremely rough time and my therapist told me to just start writing. So I did. It’s true, raw, (NOT FOR KIDS), and full of the dysfunction that I was in, and how I found the will to stay alive, after wanting to die at the age of 9. This is the first time I’ve ever published a shorty story. I’ve published a couple of poems before as a part of the Twitter writing community I’m in, but never on a retail site to sell.

I feel pretty excited about it. I feel like I’ve actually created something of my own, and put it in short story form, and shared it with the world.

I’ll admit, I had the shit scared out of me after I hit the final ”button”, to have my short story go live, but that quickly passed.

It’s the first time I’ve ever published anything, and I know it’s not perfect, but I hope that someone else can relate and my words can help them in some way.

Thank you for your support, it means the world to me.

This is the cover of the book.

My Short Story Ramblings of a damaged mind. https://atomic-temporary-41308365.wpcomstaging.com/ShortStoryBN

You can get it here.

✌️

Shassy