I am still testing, adjusting, and building out my #jeepminicamper. The other night I was parked away from any building, in a nook surrounded by some small trees to try to get out of the wind.
It was about 10-ish, and I rolled down the window and was just looking around. I had gotten out earlier, and just stood there and listened. All I heard was the wind.
As I was looking around a giant panic attack came over me. Why? Who knows… I found no trigger. But I stood there and realized that other than my dog, I was alone. (Within touching distance). For some reason this hit me, and the panic attack got worse.
I don’t quite understand…I’m “alone” all of the time. I don’t socialize, other than phone calls and social media. I don’t go out to events, and I’m totally ok with that. I understand that I have issues, lol, but I’m slowly understanding that even though I do my best to manage symptoms, my brain still defaults to “time to freak out” mode.
Nature is my happy place. I don’t care if it’s dark, light, hot or cold… when I’m in nature I feel my best. So when this happened, I was caught off guard, because, obviously I was out in nature.
I’m serious…the general “fear”….my brain went off the chain…my thoughts were so irrational, like “what if there’s a mountain lion out in the trees”, to “there could be a person hiding somewhere”. WTF. Seriously?
Here’s what I caught on my phone. I set it up and left it until what was left of my battery died. No edits, these are the colors it captured. Simply beautiful.
I have a big mouth dog that hears stuff way before I do. Who protects me and loves nature and being outdoors. (Except when it’s too cold or too hot….she’s a couch dog.) She’s smart. If there were a boogie man or boogie mountain lion, she would have smelled it way before I had even exited the car. This is what I had to tell myself. I had to put myself back in the present, instead of in the twilight zone, and calm my ass down.
I’ve never had that happen when I’m camping/hiking etc. Never had an out of the blue panic attack. But as I go on this journey, of “all of this”, I’m learning that the brain is tricky. There could have been something that triggered a repressed memory, and caused the switch to flip in the ole’ noggin. That’s the only thing I can come up with at this point. Fortunately, it didn’t last very long, as I went through coping skills, and looked up at the night sky and realized how calming it really is.
So in a round about way, nature brought me back and told me I was ok. That’s the way I see it anyhow.
So now we are testing the boundaries of newly found, long buried fears. Fear has always been a huge debilitating weakness for me. Ever since I was a small child. I would think something was happening and literally freeze with fear. One instance, I was living with my grandparents, and I was upstairs going to the bathroom, and I froze with fear, thinking there was something on my back. I kept whispering “Grandma!”, and somehow her radar ears heard my whispers, and she came upstairs. I told her there was something on my back, and she looked and found nothing, and she settled me back in bed.
Fear is paralyzing, and if I feel it coming on, I fight hard to stand against it. Literally, I can channel my fear into fight or protection in a nano second. Which is good in some cases…others not so much. If that transition of fear into fight, happens to be coupled with my very slowly growing anger….then I warn people and try my very best to walk away.
Anyway, the whole point of this post is that I’ve learned something new about mental illness, mine in particular.
Growth takes time, and I have to continue to be open when new things like this happen, so I don’t take 10 steps backwards, and fall into the valley of despair.
If you are going through something similar, I feel you. You are not alone.
Peace out from Daenerys… the #jeepminicamper
✌️
Shassy
The view of the moon from Daenerys, the #jeepminicamper
Social media is great… especially for people like me who are introverts, but want to keep in touch.
But it gets to be too much sometimes. So I step away. I put my phone on do not disturb, so I don’t constantly see notifications, and I just write, rest, or spend time in nature.
In the process of hurting my back, and doing the things needed to get it healed up, I was sort of forced into a break, but I slowly realized I was needing one anyway.
If you know my story, then you know I struggle with mental health diagnoses, and as much as I would love to be “even keel”, and emotionally leveled out, the fact is I’m not that way.
I’ve been working on my #jeepminicamper and that has been a source of accomplishment, and also a way to distract my mind from morbid thoughts, unrealistic fears, and some depression.
The thing about mental illness, for me anyway, if I don’t manage it right, all of the things I do to distract my mind, come creeping back up if I try to pretend that they aren’t there. So I just deal with it. I put myself in the very present, noting the things around me, what I’m doing, or not doing. What is actually real, and not some illogical thought process that is stemming directly from a ptsd symptom, or a cloud of oppressive depression.
It’s hard. It’s just hard some days. I get tired. I get frustrated, I get angry, I cry. I question everything, I question my life’s worth, I question my worth as a human being, I even guestion the things that bring me peace, wondering if I’m even worth peace.
Those things are the trickery and deception of mental illness. It comes to steal kill and destroy. Destroy families, destroy relationships, friendships, and in worst case it will take your life.
How social media forces me to step away, and the (my) cycle of mental illness.
I’m hyper vigilant…this stems from a home invasion, and domestic violence. But that hyper vigilance seeps into other areas… and compounds symptoms. If I’m going through a cycle of depressive episodes, that hyper vigilance will look for everything that is depressing in my life… logical? Absolutely not, but that’s the cycle some days.
So today’s ramblings are what I’m currently struggling with. I share because I know I’m not alone in struggling with mental health… although I am physically alone, I still want to be open and share, because someone else needs to hear that they are not alone.
You are not alone.
I may not be the best to talk to all the time, but I will listen, and be an ear. Sometimes that’s all a person needs.
So with that, I’m peacin’ out for today.
Thanks for listening. I’m working on a podcast, but it’s new territory for me, so please be patient. Also, please share, like, subscribe if you feel inclined, I would truly appreciate it.
The things I wish I knew when I was younger, parenting with unknown and undealt with trauma. The amazing love for my babies.
Stop. Just stop what your doing and sit in nature. Bring in close those you love.
Talk more about feelings and emotions, if that doesn’t come easy, find a way. Write, sing, draw, whatever… learn to handle them.
Throw away the preconceived notions of what the “rules” are when you have babies. If it feels right to snuggle them after breast feeding, (or bottle feeding) then do it. If it feels right to co-sleep, then do it. Carry your baby on your body in one of those baby slings…. They grow up too fast, you’ll miss those moments later.
Teach your children to respect and mind… forget all this crap of sparing the rod, and “oh, but what if it hurts their feelings?”
Life is going to hurt their feelings, it’s our responsibility as parents to teach them to not get steam rolled by it. Ingraining a sense of respect for fellow humans, earth and animals should be taught…we may live on this planet, but it’s also our responsibility to act like we like it and we should take care of it.
Punish when necessary. Loving discipline is an absolute necessity. It’s not abuse, it’s teaching young what the rules of life are.
You may think this a bad comparison, but I don’t care. Animals in the wild scold and reprimand their young… watch a pack of coyotes, or horses, or primates… we are humans and we have dominion over the earth, and we must act as stewards. Teaching our own offspring not to be little shits, should be one of the most important things a parent does.
I know there are some people that are just rotten, and no amount of discipline is going to change them. I believe that there are elements in place that we cannot see, playing a part, influencing and trying to cause havoc. (Think spiritual warfare if you are a Christian/believer in a higher power.)
What a child learns and is exposed to up until the age of five to eight, will stick with them the rest of their lives. No matter what.
We as parents need to do better. We need to be stronger for our children, but also make sure they KNOW they are loved and teach them the ways to be.
Right from wrong, not if it feels good then do it. Teach them that it’s ok to not win, or not get a prize, because that’s going happen when they grow up, and if they can’t handle it, then we have an adult child with no way to deal with life.
Life. Would you say it has ups and downs? That it’s always perfect? Of course not, life is constantly changing. It ebbs and flows.
If we were fortunate enough to have parents that instilled in us some way to deal, we were lucky.
If we had any trauma during life, then we developed a way to cope. Be it good or bad.
Psychology will say it’s this or that, or this imbalance, or that chemical reaction in the brain that develops to allow the person to live. Those things are all true.
But I see today so many people just plain not giving a fuck, or thinking that “life will teach them”. Yea, life will. But with no support from home, and no belief system, no set parameters…. It makes everything that much harder.
I made many mistakes while I was a young parent, as we all do. Because I don’t know of any baby born with a personalized instruction manual.
But I did my best with what I had. When I felt like I screwed up, I apologized. Unbeknownst to me, I had undiagnosed traumas, and felt some days I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
But my kids knew I had their backs. I told them I loved them. I sucked at homework, because I didn’t even understand it. I could go on and on about all the things I felt I did wrong, but I won’t.
Because my kids are awesome. They both graduated college, they both have good jobs, and are on their own life journey. They are growing into their own, forging their path, and it’s wonderful.
But ya know what? They got disciplined as children, they were given choices and outcomes for their decisions. And yes, I spanked my kids. Didn’t have to do it very often, because they learned that was a consequence that they didn’t like, and if they made a different choice… it wouldn’t happen. I also restricted things they enjoyed if needed. I tried to make the punishment fit the crime. I hope I did ok. I think so… they may say different, but I think that’s the nature of parenting.
We are still on the parent/offspring journey. Parenting doesn’t end when they move out. They are adults now and I must respect their decisions for their lives… though sometimes it’s hard to sit back and just watch them learn on their own, without opening my big mouth and giving unasked for advice. (Which I’m good at). 🙄
All in all, I felt I was tough with my kids, but they also stayed out of jail, and respected authority… with a little rebellion thrown in now and then, because that’s just what happens. They may have a different perspective on that too, and that’s ok. Now and then they’ll tell me stories of things they did that I didn’t know about…. Lol… or so they think. 😉
And now… it’s gone. My cherished babies grew up in a blink. Literally. I think back and sometimes just sit there wondering how all these years went by so fast. I remember telling myself when I was younger to grasp onto these moments because they’ll be gone in a blink… and as life always does, it’s taught me that it really does flash by.
We are but a blip in the matrix of time.
So stop and show your children the flower, or cool looking bug. Walk with them and teach them to relax, because life will pressure them. They need to learn to release. And for goodness sake, get that electronic device out from in front of their face. 🤦🏻♀️
I remember one instance when I was going through the divorce from my son’s father. My son was struggling with emotions his little mind and body didn’t know how to process. He was acting out and I told him to go to his room until he could get calmed down and not throw a fit. So he did.
I stood outside his door and cried as I listened to him throw his toys and cry out in frustration. I gave him some time and when he quieted I knocked on his door. He was whimpering, and I asked him if he was ok, and this little person answered me back and said…
“Mommy I just feel like I need a hug”.
So opened his door and gave him that hug.
He didn’t know how to process, so I let him feel it and work through it, and helped him when he asked.
Also it broke my heart to have to let him learn. Just broke it in two.
I watched my daughter go through sumiliar emotional experiences, and it was just as absolutely heartbreaking as well… she was more like me, introverted, hated having her picture taken… didn’t know how to just “talk”… (at least with me) like me…and when she got to be a teenager, did not want to talk about anything with me. But that was ok, just hard. I’m sure I wasn’t the easiest person to talk to either. I know I wasn’t.
I remember holding her as a baby while she was working through a crying spell. I told her that I was sorry she was feeling bad, and my little baby girl laid in my arms and just cried for a while. Then she stopped. I just stared at her. She was so perfect to me. So so perfect. My little baby person in my arms felt so right.
I also apologized to her for failing her and not giving her a mom and dad who stayed together. At the time I didn’t know what else to do, so I just said that I was sorry. (Again, I didn’t even know what was wrong with me, but I knew my baby was the most important thing).
I didn’t know how much a person could love so much and be so instinctively protective, until I birthed my children. Motherhood is amazing. Regardless if you give birth, or adopt. It’s one of the most precious gifts God has given us… though I could have dealt with no labor pains… but that’s another blog post for another time. 😁
Say I love you, give that hug, talk those talks, teach those rights from wrongs. Let them play in the dirt and run around in the mud puddles. Teach them respect for other living creatures, and where the air we breathe comes from. (Wonder that?… think about it for a minute). Give them that hug, and take those mental pictures of your babies, and seal them tight within your heart. You’ll want them later. Swat that butt, take those car keys, wash that mouth out with soap. (Yes I did that… except it was a dab of soap, not a bubbled mouth full…lol).
They may hate you for it at the time, but they’ll also not forget who had their backs.
If you don’t know the ways, then reach out for help to find them. You made your kids, right? Take that seriously. There’s lots of help out there if you just ask.
I love you Bean and Woubee. You are the absolute best thing I’ve ever done.
✌️and Love,
Mom (Shassy)
My Girl and commercial dog food. I’ll only feed this.
THE LAST 2 DAYS HAVE BEEN A “WORK MYSELF INTO EXHAUSTION” EVENT. PTSD, MDD were kicking my butt.
The last 2 days have been a bit rough on the mental health side of my life. I started struggling on Saturday because it was my brothers birthday and I don’t know where or if he even “is”. He’s been gone for 12 years.
Major Depressive Disorder is described as having feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, irritability, and morbid thoughts, just to name a few. As described HERE via Mayo Clinic.
(click on any underlined word to get more details and descriptions.)
The mental health diagnoses that I have cycle. I’ll be good for a few days, then it’s like the dark cloud of doom arrives. I cry for no reason, feel like I have failed my family and friends, feel guilty for things that I haven’t done wrong, feel like I’m ugly, like my body is too fat, or that I walk funny. I understand where these feelings come from, logically, but I can’t stop them from happening.
So I cope. If the weather is nice I go outside. I go outside as much as possible to get out in nature and away from people and town anyway. These last few days, the weather has been nice and I poured myself into my Jeep mini camper project. I worked on hanging a new cattle panel gate that needed some adjustments. I got the tractor out and pulled up unnecessary t-posts to ready for new electric fence line. I moved a round bale in preparation for when Sadie finishes the current one.
I bashed my hand when the ratchet slipped off of a bolt… THAT hurt like a little whiney bitch…had to do some breathing to get through that. Whacked my ankle with the end of a log chain that I was using to pull up t-posts… that one hurt too. I’m a clutz sometimes.
The physical pain of those things oddly allows me to direct my emotional pain into something that I can deal with. I don’t hurt myself on purpose, but when I do, it’s like there’s something tangible for me to work through. A few years ago, I had picked up an unhealthy coping skill of intentionally hurting myself. I know, that’s not good, and I was able to work through that with my therapist and I do not do that anymore.
Working myself into a dither is a thing I do sometimes to get emotions out. It’s probably not the healthiest, but I am in fairly good shape for my age, so it doesn’t “hurt” me, and allows my mind to shut the fuck up, and my body to expend energy, and I get shit done.
The joy from these past few days? When I’m out at the ranch working on things, I let Sadie out for her walkabout. She’s got 180 acres she can run around on. I sometimes just sit and watch her, and she’s always watching me and what I’m doing. When she’s feeling her oats, she’ll take off and just run…. I love to watch her do that with her mane and tail flying in the air. One of these times I’ll get it on video, but most of the time I just smile and it fills my heart with joy.
Also all of our cats at the ranch… they are like little dogs, following me around, hanging out in my jeep when I’m working on it. That brings me joy as well. The birds singing, the crow I’ve befriended caw-cawing at me to bring him or her a snack. The other night I had my jeep set up enough for me to stay in it, and I opened the back hatch, watched the sunset with no interference from buildings, and after the sun went down, heard the coyotes singing the song of their people.
Even though I’m physically exhausted, I feel somewhat emotionally calmer. Or not as depressed and not having as many morbid thoughts, like I’d be better off not on this planet.
My therapist and I have worked out coping skills for when this happens, and these are a couple of them. In almost 8 years of therapy with the same trauma therapist, I know now that I will never be able to eliminate these mental health issues. (Ptsd, cptsd, mdd, bpd, gad, and tbi from head trauma). So we’ve set up a list of ways I can cope, with protocol when things get really bad and all of the tools in my toolbox aren’t working. I have crisis on speed dial.
And that is ok.
Accepting myself the way I am now, is something that I am still working on, but getting better. It does get frustrating to know that this is just the way I am, and that I will have to always have these cycles of ups and downs, morbid thoughts, anxiety, flashbacks, etc.
It just gets tiring sometimes. Some days I’m so tired of fighting it. So so tired.
But I’ve been given another day on this planet. So I’m accepting it with a grateful heart, and taking it one hour, one minute at a time.
If you or someone you know is struggling with crisis, or suicide, please text 988 for immediate help. 988
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I did not submit this poem to the battle, but I got the prompt from it. It wouldn’t have fallen within the parameters anyway… but that’s ok.
Sometimes I have to write when I feel inspired, and this week I kept ruminating on the prompt word, and decided I just let it happen, if it was meant to be. I wrote something and it is drawn from experiences and stories.
I wasn’t aiming for any form or fashion, I was just writing.
link.medium.com/vXcvKlUDExb
Here’s a Story 