Good morning, or afternoon….
Spent the night at the ranch in my #jeepminicamper, enjoyed a great thunderstorm and realized I need to NOT leave the window open without my screens on…I shooed out a zillion flies before the storm. Isn’t there something that says lots of flies arrive before rain? Well I found all of them…at least that’s what it seemed like.
The other night I was looking for something to eat…and found a box of Mac and cheese that I had gotten from the food bank. (Yes, I’ll admit, sometimes I go to the food bank…. Living on a fixed income is hard some months.). Anywho, I fixed that box of Mac and Cheese, and took a bite, and thought I was going to throw up. It has to have been the nastiest thing I’ve tasted in a long time. I put the rest in the freezer in case I have nothing else to eat.
Yesterday I worked on the camper for a while, and re-injured the disc in my lower back. So now I’m back to doing nothing, ice heat, and tens unit. And I’m upset, crying, frustrated, thankful, all of it all at once.
I am sitting here on my pity pot today. Also, guess what day it is? Yep, 4/20.
I’m supposed to see a neurologist in the beginning of May, if I can get my car running…the check engine light came on, and I took it to my son (who is a master mechanic) to read the codes, and it showed a piston 1 misfire. Which is probably just a spark plug issue. I hope so, the ole girl has 270,000 miles on her. Right now I stick to only going to do chores, and the store only when I have to.
Money is tight, I’m cutting back as much as I can. I have to make Zoey’s food, and yes, I get food benefits, of $128 a month, and a lot of that goes to her, because of her development of food allergies. (Chicken, eggs, corn, soy, wheat, salmon, and any type of byproduct of those ingredients. Which if you look in the dog food kibble ingredients, you will find all or some of those.) I’m not proud of that, but there’s nothing else I can do at this point. So I cook things that I can eat as well as Zoey.
On to that…I am on disability…I’m not a dependable employee anymore due to mental health issues. I’ve talked about those before on this blog. I went through, and still go through times where I feel like I’m a useless pile of bones covered in skin. This is not how I wanted it to be, I wanted to finish my degree and take care of people. But symptoms became uncontrollable, and it affected my ability to function on a daily basis. My therapist referred me to their attorney for the process of disability. Which took two years from the time he took my case, to the judge’s decision. The only way I am able to afford my rent, is because I also have a HUD subsidy that pays for half of it. I have low income energy assistance, food benefits, subsidized housing, and a 24 year old car.
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Would I love to change that? Yes. So I’m trying to do whatever I can using my computer.. What I’ve found is that if you want to make money fairly quickly, (like within a year), you have to HAVE money to invest in training, hosting for a website, and at least $500 a month for advertising. $500 is half of what the government sends me for my monthly disability benefit. So needless to say, I’m not going the “fast” route. I’m trying to do it all organically, and learn as I go. I’m really enjoying my YouTube channel, and interacting and sharing what brings me peace.
At this point in my life peace is all I want.
I cannot handle any type of trauma, stress, dysfunction or cruelty. Although am not afraid of a confrontation, and will defend myself, my family and friends, I steer clear of it if I get any red flags.
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I guess I’m not really on my pity pot, just all up in my feelings. Frustrated with my physical issues, because there is no cure, it’s degenerative, and things are running through my mind… like if I’m ever going to ride again…which I will…but it scares me because I knew exactly what I did yesterday to cause this flare up…which means that I have to baby things. Like don’t bend a certain way, which is exactly what I did yesterday trying to lift this wooden bench I made, and that’s when I re-injured myself.
I’m not used to not being able to do what I want to do…but I guess it is what it is.
Happy Thursday and thanks for listening. I know there are many blessings in my life, and I count them everyday and include those people that are my blessings, in my prayers.
Keywords: humble alternative, humble collective, hemp, pity pot, feelings, blessings, prayer, #jeepminicamper