Category Archives: Ptsd

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Here’s me and Fletch. A horse I rode for a day, who taught me something about forgiveness.

Here’s me and Fletch. I was riding him with some other people a few years ago. Really nice little medicine cap gelding. Had the patience of a saint. I really enjoyed riding him that day, he was calm, eager and ready to go do something.

Me and Fletch

It was an enjoyable ride, and he never gave anything but his best for me.

He is now owned and loved by a family who has little kids. The patience he shows with those kids is priceless. Standing and allowing them to learn how to mount up and accepting their youth and learning.

Horses are an amazingly forgiving animal, in most cases. They tolerate our mistakes, our inability to figure out quickly what their language is, so an effective team and trust can be built. They listen to your heartbeat, and breathing, and can tell if you are anxious or scared. Without proper learned communication, this just makes the horse anxious, just like us.

Here’s me and Fletch. A horse I rode for a day, who taught me something about forgiveness.

A horse like Fletch can’t tell us what his past has been, but from when I rode him, he was accepting of this new stranger on his back, and made ME confident. It’s always a guess when I get on a new horse, to test out for someone, or just riding someone else’s horse. Fletch told me “Hi new human! I’m Fletch, and I’m going to show you that I’m good, and I’ll take care of you on our ride today”.

He did just that.

If your horse is reacting, check yourself, your feelings, and your emotional status… it may be that you just need to have a talk, and spend some time getting to know each other, at liberty. 

What do you think about horses? Have you ever had any experience with them? Do you have a communication problem with them? Let me know

I am keeping my socials to Instagram, and my YouTube channel that I am building. And of course my blog. But you can access those socials via this link https://linktr.ee/hrsygirl. I’m also on Reddit, and that is a wonderful place to get advice, inspiration, and to share whatever you are going through in life. I am starting from scratch building my YouTube. Even if you don’t use those socials, I would really be super appreciative if you should share at least my blog posts, to get the word out. My goal is to get out from under the thumb of the gov, and not have to rely on $1000 a month to live on. I’m doing it the old fashioned way by picking the best platforms for that. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t be able to do it without support, and encouragement .. ✌️💜😊

✌️

Shassy

 #horses  #gooutside #animals #healing #trust #atliberty 

#ptsdawareness #mentalhealthawareness

Here’s me and Fletch
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Move Me Poetry Battle Submission 17 Mar 23

cirrus clouds

Move Me Poetry Battle Submission 17 Mar 23

The Move Me Poetry Battle prompt for this week is “Dissolve”.

Dissolve my anguishes and reach into my heart

Remove remorse, guilt and bring forth a new start.

Vanquish blurry nightmares with a swift new breeze

Engulf my lungs with the air that frees.

Remove any tenacious lingering pain

Replace it with fresh light and hopes that remain.

Give strength that embraces a new view of life

One that understands and flows without great strife.

Continue to steady, 
support and give patience

As life is a lesson in worth of conveyance.

Seek out the fresh streams that cleanse my soul

Wash my body clean of strenuous control.

Empower me with freedom to seek arduous rising

That uplifts and removes the never ending capsizing.

Seek within me the wheels of smooth growth

So I can see the bright light of my own oath.

To continue to fight, this menace of death,

Which steals and destroys my life’s precious breath.

For I know in my soul that blessings abound,

All I must do is keep steady, and sound.

This is my declaration to dissolve,

The demons that haunt me within my resolve.

Banish you trickster, for you have no claim

As I move forward, ignoring your distain.

My life belongs to me; you are nothing but a gar

I will wipe you away, like the infection you are,

I’m still here creating, living and you are just huffing

Soon to be forgotten like nothing,

Blown away, sloughed off like yesterday’s uncoupling.

Shining days ahead without you in my head,

I will win the battle, even if by a thin thread. 
©️shassyswalkabout.com 2013–2023

#movemepoetrybattle #movemepoetry #poetry #poetrycommunity #writingcommuniy

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Being alone forces me to step into my fears.

cirrus clouds

Being alone forces me to step into my fears.

I am still testing, adjusting, and building out my #jeepminicamper. The other night I was parked away from any building, in a nook surrounded by some small trees to try to get out of the wind.

It was about 10-ish, and I rolled down the window and was just looking around. I had gotten out earlier, and just stood there and listened. All I heard was the wind.

As I was looking around a giant panic attack came over me. Why? Who knows… I found no trigger. But I stood there and realized that other than my dog, I was alone. (Within touching distance). For some reason this hit me, and the panic attack got worse.

I don’t quite understand…I’m “alone” all of the time. I don’t socialize, other than phone calls and social media. I don’t go out to events, and I’m totally ok with that. I understand that I have issues, lol, but I’m slowly understanding that even though I do my best to manage symptoms, my brain still defaults to “time to freak out” mode.

Nature is my happy place. I don’t care if it’s dark, light, hot or cold… when I’m in nature I feel my best. So when this happened, I was caught off guard, because, obviously I was out in nature.

I’m serious…the general “fear”….my brain went off the chain…my thoughts were so irrational, like “what if there’s a mountain lion out in the trees”, to “there could be a person hiding somewhere”. WTF. Seriously?

Here’s what I caught on my phone. I set it up and left it until what was left of my battery died. No edits, these are the colors it captured. Simply beautiful.

I have a big mouth dog that hears stuff way before I do. Who protects me and loves nature and being outdoors. (Except when it’s too cold or too hot….she’s a couch dog.) She’s smart. If there were a boogie man or boogie mountain lion, she would have smelled it way before I had even exited the car. This is what I had to tell myself. I had to put myself back in the present, instead of in the twilight zone, and calm my ass down.

Being alone forces me to step into my fears.
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I’ve never had that happen when I’m camping/hiking etc. Never had an out of the blue panic attack. But as I go on this journey, of “all of this”, I’m learning that the brain is tricky. There could have been something that triggered a repressed memory, and caused the switch to flip in the ole’ noggin. That’s the only thing I can come up with at this point. Fortunately, it didn’t last very long, as I went through coping skills, and looked up at the night sky and realized how calming it really is.

So in a round about way, nature brought me back and told me I was ok. That’s the way I see it anyhow.

So now we are testing the boundaries of newly found, long buried fears. Fear has always been a huge debilitating weakness for me. Ever since I was a small child. I would think something was happening and literally freeze with fear. One instance, I was living with my grandparents, and I was upstairs going to the bathroom, and I froze with fear, thinking there was something on my back. I kept whispering “Grandma!”, and somehow her radar ears heard my whispers, and she came upstairs. I told her there was something on my back, and she looked and found nothing, and she settled me back in bed.

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Fear is paralyzing, and if I feel it coming on, I fight hard to stand against it. Literally, I can channel my fear into fight or protection in a nano second. Which is good in some cases…others not so much. If that transition of fear into fight, happens to be coupled with my very slowly growing anger….then I warn people and try my very best to walk away.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is that I’ve learned something new about mental illness, mine in particular.

Growth takes time, and I have to continue to be open when new things like this happen, so I don’t take 10 steps backwards, and fall into the valley of despair.

If you are going through something similar, I feel you. You are not alone.

Peace out from Daenerys… the #jeepminicamper

✌️

Shassy

Being alone
The view of the moon from Daenerys, the #jeepminicamper
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Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization. My response: nothing, it causes me anxiety.

Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization…

I told them nothing, it causes me anxiety.

My biggest, newest tool I’ve added to my toolbox is staying in my #jeepminicamper out in nature. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m getting there. It’s working the best thus far.

I do still use my other coping skills… 4-7-8 breathing, snapping a rubber band, safe place, finding five things in my present that I can either see, feel, hear that helps ground me when I’m in full out flashback or panic attack mode.

I don’t always know when symptoms are going to happen. I can’t always identify the triggers.

In worst case scenario, my therapist and I have a set protocol that I follow.

Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization. My response: nothing, it causes me anxiety.

I do all my coping skills, and if that doesn’t work, I call crisis, and if that doesn’t work, I check myself into the hospital. That has happened five times.

But I started this conversion of my jeep, and it’s helped to focus on a task, and it allows me to do what is the most functional for treating symptoms, at this moment. The thing that I’ve learned that is most important for me, is to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes on second at a time.

Someone asked me what I do for socialization
Portable mini wood cook stove

I still have a few more things to do to finish, but I’m getting there. Like purchase this mini wood stove… love it.

Here’s a quick video of a work day… can’t get any better.

My goal with building this is to also be able to share the process, and help others. I plan to be on the road for trips later this summer. Still have a few more things to add… but I’ll get there.

This has been such a learning experience. I had no idea what I was doing when I started considering this. But I watched a lot of videos, asked a lot of questions, and have made a lot of mistakes.

As I’ve been staying in it, I tweak this or that. I still have to make the window coverings, but until then the huge amount of heat was just escaping through the windows…so, I just hung up some small throw blankets, and it’s made a huge difference. Right now I am close to electricity, until I get everything finished. I have put a little heater in the vehicle because it’s got down to the 20’s and 30’s at night. I have a good sleeping bag and Zoey has her bed, and we snuggle up under the sleeping bag and stay warm. I actually think that my sleep has been better. I’m still working on the bed….I put down some memory foam (full sized folded three times), and that has made a huge difference. I’ll keep working on it until it’s just the way I want it, but right now it’s perfect.

So this is the reason…I’m not 28 anymore, I’m not using alcohol or other unhealthy coping skills, I’m developing more coping skills, that are bringing me peace.

Life is weird, and I believe everything happens for a reason. Whatever the reason, it is time for me to do this, and other than making my back sore now and then, it’s working.

Don’t be afraid to try new things…You may surprise yourself.

✌️

Shassy

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My favorite view.
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Today is a blog, rest and learning day. For the last 3 days I’ve been working on my JeepMiniCamper, only posting shorts.

Today is a blog, rest and learning day. The past three days have been busy, tiring, painful, and rewarding all at the same time.

PTSD has been rearing its ugly head with my mind wandering off into stupid places, so I’ve had to deal with that.

I totally tore down one crappy cabinet in my jeep and completely built something new. With such a small space the old one was just not working. So I build a mini bench. It’s not pretty, but it’s functional and strong, and that’s all I care about.

Today is a blog day. This is my view currently. 💜

One of the things that I rarely struggle with as a symptom of diagnoses, is irritability. I mean, I can get irritable, but I don’t like to be that way, and rarely does it manifest. But the last few days it has, and I’ve worked hard to dispel that. I have for reasons I don’t feel like mentioning, absolutely hate that about me. I hate getting irritated, hate getting angry, and work super hard on stopping it.

I think it’s a childhood thing…probably is. But I do know that when my anger has overcome me, I have a terrible temper, and can get tunnel vision with it. I don’t like that, it serves no purpose. Same with irritability, it serves me no purpose, and I know that I have failed in allowing it to get out of control in my life, so it’s something that I try to manage. I don’t like to be that way around people, or treat them that way, though I know I have failed at that during life.

I punch pillows, do yoga, spend time with nature and animals, and just basically get rid of that negativity.

Today is a blog, rest and learning day. For the last 3 days I’ve been working on my JeepMiniCamper, only posting shorts.

Anyway, today I’m waiting on a part, and there’s really nothing else I can build at this point, in my jeep. The rest will be ad-ons—-the faucet, since, clean and grey water tanks, awnings and window shades. I think I’m either going to build or buy something that I can add on to the back end of my jeep to make a covered area. I’ve seen tents like this one…

This is exactly what I’m going to use.

I’ll have it packed in my gear box, and they actually have it attached to a Grand Cherokee, which is what I have. So this will work perfectly.

For shorter trips, I’m fabricating my own awnings..pvc pipe, heavy duty tarp, guy lines, and poles. I’ll attach it to the roof rack that’s already on my jeep, way cheaper than buying them, and I’ll know how they’re made if something goes wrong. Easy peasy.

HAHA….I’ve found that not everything that I have planned has gone easy peasy. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. I’m learning so much.

Not much else for today. I need to do some editing for my YouTube channel…please subscribe if you can, and follow on my Facebook. I would really appreciate it.

Here’s a video of my girl running around yesterday… it was a gorgeous day and she was kicking up her heels… literally… lol

Happy Monday!

✌️

Shassy

P.S. Don’t forget to subscribe to get notifications when I post.

P.P.S. I’m editing some videos and will blog abou the progress and what I’ve built so far… that’s coming up. I’m new to editing and all of that stuff.

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My Mudbug

My Mudbug

Sadie has ALWAYS been a Mudbug. She waits until the mud gets that super tacky sticky consistency, and then takes a huge roll.

She knows that I will always give her a good brushing, which is why she probably does it, on top of the fact that—who doesn’t love a good clean mud bath?

I know I do…I say that literally. We have some “clean” mud at the ranch, with no horse poop in it, and when it rains a lot, there’s nothing better than sticking my feet in the mud and smushing it all around in between my toes.

Maybe I’m weird, but that’s ok. I’ll embrace that weirdness.

I’ve run through the west pasture during a thunderstorm in my bare feet and a tank top, just letting the rain wash over my body. (And hoping I don’t get struck by lightning…ha…obviously I didn’t because I’m here writing this post.)

I say this about mud to direct to a more serious subject. I previously posted about what it was like to live with mental health diagnoses and how I cope.

Well, this is one of my coping skills, more so in the summer..clearly, because even though I’m not in my right mind (insert large amounts of sarcasm here) I’m not going to stick my feet in the mud when it’s 20 degrees outside. Though I have walked out into the garage barefoot when it’s cold, and I will tell you it takes everything off of your mind….lol…but it’s not my favorite thing to do.

This morning when I went out to do chores, I was feeling anxious. But the minute I stepped out of the car to get started, I breathed in the fresh air, and took a look around at the nature, the quiet, and the peacefulness. My anxiety quieted in my mind and body. The cats all greeted me, and I felt “home”.

I got everyone fed, and was headed back out, and stopped where I feed the corn to the deer. We have one momma that has a hitch in her git-a-long, and I called to them to let them know breaksfast was served.

As I pulled out of the driveway, I got a notification from one of the security cameras.. and there she was, chomping down her breaksfast. I have a special place in my heart for her. 💜

The earth is healing. Animals are healing. Nature is healing. This may sound like a weird question, but have you ever smelled clean, fresh dirt? I know I know, “clean” dirt… but there is such a thing. The smell is wonderful….it’s raw and unadulterated. It heals my soul on those hard days.

So, I’m just suggesting…if you’re having a bad day, and need to try something different……

Go find some mud.

✌️

Shassy

Here’s my girl on one of her spa days.

My MudBug
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4 Mental Health diagnoses from trauma. What it’s like.

4 Mental Health diagnoses from trauma. What it’s like. #ptsd #cptsd #mdd #mentalhealthawareness

What it’s like…..Remember when Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz was caught up in the tornado, and she saw the wicked witch ride her bike by her window? Knowing that no matter what, that wicked ole’ witch was still there.

The house spinning around, furniture sliding back and forth, not being able to grasp onto anything to feel grounded.

That’s one way to describe ptsd.

Another way to describe ptsd, cptsd, mdd (major depressive disorder) is not wanting to move, bathe, get out of bed, eat, sleep or even be alive. In my case the symptoms cycle. One minute I’ll be “up” and feeling positive, feeling like…”ok, this is good, I’m going to have a good day today.” So I set out with bells on and go about whatever it is that I have planned. (Side note: I help take care of a ranch where I keep my horse, and we have “barn cats”, and deer, and such, so I absolutely have to get up and go take care of them, no matter how I feel, I never miss a day, 24/7/365).

There are some days when I’m toodling along, at home, or at the ranch, and no matter how good I feel, something triggers me and I start down the rabbit hole of panic attacks, flashbacks, and morbid thoughts (in my case suicidal ideation). Sometimes I can identify the triggers, other times I cannot. When I can identify them, I stop and start my coping skills.

If it’s at the ranch, I sit with my horse, or out in the middle of the pasture. That may sound weird, but for me it works. I force myself to look around me at the calmness of nature. Also, my horse is amazing…she knows when I’m having a hard time, and comforts me with hugs, or just comes and stands next to where I am.

I count out loud what I can see, hear, feel….the grass, which is brown right now. The male Cardinal sitting on the branch, the sound the wind makes as it blows through the trees. If it’s evening, I can count on usually hearing the coyotes off in the distance. I literally MAKE myself stop and be present in the moment, and try to tell my brain that I am not experiencing the trauma again, it’s today, not the past. I do the 4-7-8 breathing technique. When done right it can lower heart rate, and help reset the brain.

Then there are those days when I feel hopeless, humiliated, embarrassed…like I’ve failed my family and friends in every way imaginable. Like I would be better off not on this planet. The depression is all consuming some days. I cry a lot, I reach into my tool box of coping skills, use them all, and it doesn’t work. I’m just all out of spoons.

That’s when I call crisis.

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Logically I know that there’s nothing wrong with reaching out for help. My therapist and I have protocol set in place for when it gets that bad. But emotionally I feel worthless, like I’m not worthy of help, like I’m not good enough for it. Those are the battles that intrude and make the rough days, ten times harder.

I push through though. A few years ago I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. It was one of the hardest times of my life. I had lost my grandmother, and actually thought I was going to die myself. My mind was constantly spinning, unable to keep a straight thought. The emotional pain of not being able to call my grandma and talk to her was unbearable. There was one day in particular I had decided that I was going to kill myself. That I wanted to be out of this pain, that I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had a plan to take all of my medication.

But something stopped me…I like to think it was grandma telling me not to do that, but I can’t pinpoint why I didn’t swallow all of my meds. All I know is I didn’t, but I wanted to really really bad.

Instead I called crisis, and checked myself into the psych ward. (This was pre-covid so I was able to get a bed.) I’ve had five psychiatric hospital stays, and I’ve come out of them learning something that I didn’t know prior to being admitted. I count that as a positive. I don’t like staying inpatient because it feels like I’m a prisoner, but it’s needed nonetheless, and I try to learn and find the good.

Mental health needs to be destigmatized. We live in a world of dysfunction, and trauma changes the chemistry of the brain. I recently found out that a person I had become acquainted with on social media, took his own life. He had built a company, had the things that people think make a person happy, (money, home, friends etc)…but he couldn’t outrun his demons.

So far I’ve outrun mine. I hope to keep it that way.

✌️

Shassy

4 mental health diagnoses from trauma
Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

Keywords: 4 mental health diagnoses, mental health, 4 mental health, coping skills, suicidal ideation, 4 mental health, 4 mental health

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The last 2 days have been “work myself into exhaustion”. PTSD, MDD were kicking my butt.

THE LAST 2 DAYS HAVE BEEN A “WORK MYSELF INTO EXHAUSTION” EVENT. PTSD, MDD were kicking my butt.

The last 2 days have been a bit rough on the mental health side of my life. I started struggling on Saturday because it was my brothers birthday and I don’t know where or if he even “is”. He’s been gone for 12 years.

Major Depressive Disorder is described as having feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, irritability, and morbid thoughts, just to name a few. As described HERE via Mayo Clinic.

(click on any underlined word to get more details and descriptions.)

The mental health diagnoses that I have cycle. I’ll be good for a few days, then it’s like the dark cloud of doom arrives. I cry for no reason, feel like I have failed my family and friends, feel guilty for things that I haven’t done wrong, feel like I’m ugly, like my body is too fat, or that I walk funny. I understand where these feelings come from, logically, but I can’t stop them from happening.

So I cope. If the weather is nice I go outside. I go outside as much as possible to get out in nature and away from people and town anyway. These last few days, the weather has been nice and I poured myself into my Jeep mini camper project. I worked on hanging a new cattle panel gate that needed some adjustments. I got the tractor out and pulled up unnecessary t-posts to ready for new electric fence line. I moved a round bale in preparation for when Sadie finishes the current one.

I bashed my hand when the ratchet slipped off of a bolt… THAT hurt like a little whiney bitch…had to do some breathing to get through that. Whacked my ankle with the end of a log chain that I was using to pull up t-posts… that one hurt too. I’m a clutz sometimes.

The physical pain of those things oddly allows me to direct my emotional pain into something that I can deal with. I don’t hurt myself on purpose, but when I do, it’s like there’s something tangible for me to work through. A few years ago, I had picked up an unhealthy coping skill of intentionally hurting myself. I know, that’s not good, and I was able to work through that with my therapist and I do not do that anymore.

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Working myself into a dither is a thing I do sometimes to get emotions out. It’s probably not the healthiest, but I am in fairly good shape for my age, so it doesn’t “hurt” me, and allows my mind to shut the fuck up, and my body to expend energy, and I get shit done.

The joy from these past few days? When I’m out at the ranch working on things, I let Sadie out for her walkabout. She’s got 180 acres she can run around on. I sometimes just sit and watch her, and she’s always watching me and what I’m doing. When she’s feeling her oats, she’ll take off and just run…. I love to watch her do that with her mane and tail flying in the air. One of these times I’ll get it on video, but most of the time I just smile and it fills my heart with joy.

Also all of our cats at the ranch… they are like little dogs, following me around, hanging out in my jeep when I’m working on it. That brings me joy as well. The birds singing, the crow I’ve befriended caw-cawing at me to bring him or her a snack. The other night I had my jeep set up enough for me to stay in it, and I opened the back hatch, watched the sunset with no interference from buildings, and after the sun went down, heard the coyotes singing the song of their people.

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Even though I’m physically exhausted, I feel somewhat emotionally calmer. Or not as depressed and not having as many morbid thoughts, like I’d be better off not on this planet.

My therapist and I have worked out coping skills for when this happens, and these are a couple of them. In almost 8 years of therapy with the same trauma therapist, I know now that I will never be able to eliminate these mental health issues. (Ptsd, cptsd, mdd, bpd, gad, and tbi from head trauma). So we’ve set up a list of ways I can cope, with protocol when things get really bad and all of the tools in my toolbox aren’t working. I have crisis on speed dial.

And that is ok.

Accepting myself the way I am now, is something that I am still working on, but getting better. It does get frustrating to know that this is just the way I am, and that I will have to always have these cycles of ups and downs, morbid thoughts, anxiety, flashbacks, etc.

It just gets tiring sometimes. Some days I’m so tired of fighting it. So so tired.

But I’ve been given another day on this planet. So I’m accepting it with a grateful heart, and taking it one hour, one minute at a time.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk. Lol

✌️

Shassy

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If you or someone you know is struggling with crisis, or suicide, please text 988 for immediate help. 988

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Flashbacks and trauma. RE: 2017 “I’m a shitty person right now”

silhuoette of a person
Flashbacks and trauma. RE: 2017 “I’m a shitty person right now”

Want to write for Shassyswalkabout? Submit your stories via contact, with the subject line that says “Please consider my story”. Also please share. Thank you.

2017: Sometimes I use blogging as a source to blast what is going on at the core, because it’s therapy for me. Sometimes I keep them private and sometimes I share.  Not sure what this blurb is going to end up as.

I try not to say negative things about my life because nobody has time to hear that, or when I do I try to make a joke of it.  I do fail though. This is going to be an epic fail I’m sure.
I have made so many mistakes, and I just keep on doing them. I got into abusive relationships and blame myself for what has happened to me.

 There’s still some ongoing business with the trip to Alaska,  and I was reminded tonight how messed up I have become. So bad that I can’t stand to be around my own damn self.  Am I on a pity pot? Maybe, probably. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am just completely lost in my life right now.  I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve let everyone down in my life because I’m an idiot, and can’t seem to get it right. Do I even DESERVE forgiveness?  I mean really.

I’m going to have to do some serious soul searching and find out what is wrong with me.

flashbacks and trauma
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****This post was from 2017. (Above the separation graphic of arrows). I repost it because it’s important for me to realize that I am not perfect, and I can at any time fall flat on my face if I am not careful. I vaguely remember this…only because it mentions “the trip to Alaska”.

I won’t get into that very much yet because it’s just a giant cluster fuck. Long story short I was a victim witness in a military court martial against a human (I say “human”, but really this person is a monster and a predator), that tried to kill another person, and had abused me as well. (I did not file a police report because I was afraid, instead I reached out to the military for help, and they declined because I was not married to the person.)

There’s a lot more to the story, but he was convicted, dishonorably discharged, and is now a registered federal sex offender for life. The trial is not my story to tell, I was not the petitioner, and my purpose was to support the petitioner in this trial (which I would do again in a heartbeat, I do not regret standing up for another woman, and in this case, women). But it was traumatic. It’s traumatic now to think about.

Trauma is weird. One minute you are feeling like “ok, I can deal with this”, and the next you are crying, snot running down your face, shaking, mind spinning, hyperventilating, and basically losing all functions of the body. I don’t know what’s best to deal with trauma…to look at it in the face and fight it, or to tuck it away far into the recesses of my mind until there comes a day where I can face it. This particular situation, my involvement in the trial, and the abuse I went through from this human, is in that category. The grey area.

I’ve learned to understand some of the things that have happened to me, and when I start experiencing symptoms of ptsd, I reach for my tools and coping skills. (The healthy ones). But I have yet to “situate” this instance and put it in its place. I’ve worked on it, a lot, and will continue to do so.

Today, and yesterday are days that I simply cannot deal…my mind is anxious, I’m picking at my fingernails, fidgety, racing thoughts, shaking. I hate to say that I’m used to it, when my brain cycles through this, but honestly I am…I feel it coming on. So I gear up to handle it in whatever way I can. Right now I’m writing about it. This is how I feel right now. It’s like being on a merry go round that’s going too fast, and everything is whizzing by, and you can’t get off.

I’ve been told to just “not think about it”. And sometimes that works, to not think about it. But the truth about trauma is that it changes your brain chemistry. It hides deep within the subconscious and remembers, even if I don’t.

Even if I “just don’t think about it”. There’s a trigger that my eye sees, or my ears hear, and it sets off a series of events in the brain that become physical body symptoms. Sometimes I don’t know what the triggers are, sometimes it’s a certain time of year that something happened. A trauma anniversary, for lack of a better way to describe it. That time comes around, and the brain and body remember, even if consciously I DON’T remember.

There are treatments that are there for ptsd, abuse, etc. EMDR is one. I have had three sessions with my therapist, and every time my body goes into reactivity, with negative responses. The most recent time I became light headed, started having tunnel vision, started shaking, and my heart rate went up. (click underlined words for description)

My therapist stopped the session immediately. I was extremely disappointed, I was hoping I could get started and continue. But she will not try it again for a while. She stated that it should not, and can not cause medical emergency type responses, in my case anyway. EMDR has a high percentage of success in helping people with ptsd. But it’s not 100%. I don’t want to discourage anyone to try it, because it has been proven to help.

So for today it’s a Xanax, some gaba (amino acid) and literally checking out.

Gaba helps me. Here’s a publication from the NIH talking about ptsd and gaba. All I know is that I am 10 times worse without my gaba supplement. If that’s possible, and the answer to that question is yes. I have more morbid thoughts, and have, in the past become suicidal. I do my best to prevent those times from happening.

✌️Shassy

https://atomic-temporary-41308365.wpcomstaging.com/calmerry

flashbacks and trauma, flashbacks and trauma, flashbacks and trauma, RE: I’m a shitty person right now, I have flashbacks and trauma, experiencing flashbacks and trauma, dealing with flashbacks and trauma, handling flashbacks and trauma.