I have been going through this “thing”, ever since I whole heartily decided to change. The change I’m sure will be lifelong, because that’s the way life is, always changing. I just want to do my best at all times. The challenge with that scenario is that I am HUMAN, and I have a wide range of emotions. And right now I’m pissed. Probably for unrealistic reasons, but I’m still pissed. I am allowed to feel. It’s how I handle those feelings that determines the outcome.
Right now I feel unimportant. I know that is not the case, because God loves me, and that’s all I really need. But I am still on this big round thing we live on, and I am still affected by what others do. It will pass, and I will get thicker skin with time, but right now it would be nice to have a living breathing human being to talk to. I don’t have that at this point, so I attack my keyboard, and spew these feelings.
I’ve always been helped by what they call talk therapy. (Psychotherapy) Talking to someone who will listen works wonders for me. Sometimes I just need a hug…or an ear. And that’s ok. For the longest time I have felt that it is a weakness to show weakness. I thought I had to be strong all the time, for everyone. In being “strong” I denied myself the chance to be human. Sometimes it’s good to be strong for others, and I want to. I want to be there for those I love. Always. It’s just that in the quiet times, it’s not always easy to be strong, and I fall apart. I do my best to be positive, but sheeeeit….sometimes I just need to let the walls down and have a good cry. Or a good talk, or go to someone who can support me…I mean physically/emotionally …It’s good to have living breathing human acknowledgment, especially from those you love, and from those that say they love you. Everyone is different, some want or need more support than others (if it’s healthy, and not co-dependent) . Others don’t…it’s all ok either way. I think what’s important is that we just TRY to be there for each other. Life is going to throw enough ups and downs at me, so it’s good to know that I know that I know who’s got my back. I hope and pray I have told my peeps that I will always be there for them as well.
Acknowledgment
I believe that the “forces of evil” will use my weakness to throw me off track, if I let them. Fear, doubt, insecurity….those are all of no good. They cause nothing but problems and create more of the same.
I find that each day I am getting stronger, but like life, I must rest. I am tired right now and want to cuddle…LOL…when I’m tired, I become vulnerable to those weaknesses that I work so hard to fight. This is a journey, learning process…with time things will move to smoother waters, this I know with my whole heart.
Right now, I’m just tired and need that support. A soft place to fall.
Reposted from 2013. It seems that I’m the same person, yet different.
This is a reprint from 10 years ago…sometimes I re-read my journal entries, to see if I can gauge where my head was at the time, or if I can remember why I wrote what I did.
I remember exactly this time. I know who said that to me….why I wrote what I did.
***My story is a work in progress. I was told today that I am getting sober for the wrong reasons. This caused me to look inward to see what my motives were. And after doing that, going to a meeting, I realized that I whole heartedly disagree with this person.
I am in recovery because I don’t like myself when I’m all f*cked up on pills or booze. I am in recovery because I WANT to be different. To me that’s the most important thing, that I want to change.
I started drinking when I was 16 because I found out that it numbed the pain. It numbed the pain of knowing that my father left me when I was one year old. It numbed the pain of my mother taking me away from my grandparents, the only security I had known since my father had left. It numbed the pain of having a mother show back up in my life, when I didn’t know who she was. It numbed the pain of living with her and her new husband, in a household with such different rules and ways, that I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. It numbed the pain of being told that I was a spoiled rotten brat and that I should be ashamed of myself for loving my grandparents. It numbed the pain of moving away when I was 14, to Kansas, away from my grandparents, the only parents I had ever bonded with. Drinking killed all that pain, and allowed me to not hurt all the time. It allowed me to come out of my walls I had built up as a defense mechanism. It numbed the pain when my grandfather died, a pain that to this day is just as real, and hurts just as much, as it did in 1995, when he died. Drinking numbed the pain from everything…Because of whatever reason, I found that booze made life bearable.
My Story
So I floated on, went through marriages, had two of the most awesome kids in the world, and continued to drink, every time I got hurt. It seemed like when I would trust, it would hurt, and so I drank. Then in 2008, I had a stalker with a subsequent home invasion, and wow, now I could REALLY drink to forget. Following that joyful occurence, came a DUI…nope, you guessed it. I kept on. Going to jail was nothing, it was just another piece of pain for me to drown with more booze.
Then in 2011 I had a really cool doctor prescribe me hydrocodone for my joint pain…how cool is that! I had an unlimited supply of pills and booze. I could really get the numbing going on now.
I drove by an addiction treatment center everyday on the way to work. Because I am in the medical field, I subconsciously knew that I was in trouble when it dawned on me that I couldn’t go a minute with out my pills. So, what did I do..nothing. Until 7 January 2012 at 1730. That day I decided I was going to go out and work on some horses that I was training. I had finally gotten a day off, and it was nice out, so why not. I had my bottle of pills, and stopped by the liquor store on the way to the barn. Worked the horses all day, got the sh*t kicked out of me, and decided to call it quits and go home. Luckily, I made it home. But not after this….
After drinking an entire bottle of 100 proof liquor, and popping a zillion pills, I decided to drive, and this is what happened. I do not remember how it happened, just that it did, and that I woke up pinned in my car. I guessed how it happened…by the process of elimination, but the truth is I was so f*cked up, that I nearly killed myself. I’m glad it was only trees I hit, and not another human being.
Do you think that stopped me? No. It took almost six more weeks for me to check myself into treatment. I finally realized that I was headed to jail, or a dirt nap.
Went to treatment, which was one of the most awesome experiences of my life, and got out. Only to come home to an outreached hand with pills and booze in it. So, what did I do. Take them, of course. The tirade of verbal bashing I got because of going to treatment was just enough for me to CHOOSE to relapse almost immediately to kill that pain as well. Notice I said choose. It was my choice.
I subsequently left that relationship because it was doing me no good. Moved home, and started to settle down. Then I lost my job, my apartment, and popped a bunch more pills and ended up in the hospital drinking some charcoal cr*p that made me puke. Then I passed out during a blood gas test, which supposedly hurts, but I had no clue. Where in the f*ck was my booze when I needed it. It just went with the pills.
Moved to an apartment for a month, then moved back to “home”. At this point I was not taking any more pills. December 2012 was the last time I took any prescription pain pills, psychotropic pills, or sleeping pills. I found a little house, and with my tax return and unemployment, moved in.
Did I stop drinking, no. I drank one last time. The next day I went to a meeting, hungover. (I had started seeing a great man, who is also in recovery. Someone who I was sure would understand where I came from, and I finally started to go to meetings, and found that I enjoyed them.) Then I started doing some self bashing. What in the hell was I doing. I knew deep inside that I was STILL trying to numb those pains. It was time to stop. And I’ve been doing good…but you know what I’ve noticed…is that all those feelings that I’ve been numbing for so long, are REALLY fresh at this point. I know my skin will get thicker with time. But right now, WOW…it’s all coming back like a freakin banshee…42 years of pain. That’s a lot for me to handle.
This morning, as I said, I was told I was staying sober for the wrong reasons. I disagree…I’m staying sober for me, because I WANT to be sober, deal with all the pain, accept it and let it go. All my pain that I have shoved away, and numbed with drugs, are going to be let go. But I have to feel them first…and wow, that’s a big one.
Now is when I really am searching for that support through others that have been where I have been. I understand the process logically, but emotionally it’s going to be work. This I know. I just hope that those that I love, and those that love me, will at least understand that this is my battle, and I will win it. And Lord please be patient with me…I am only human.
I’ve been buzzing around today…not doing much of anything other than cleaning, thinking, reading. Since I have decided to face the demons from my past, there has been an influx of emotion today. And it freakin hurts. Bad. Like so bad I want to drink a bottle of Jameson bad. The whole bottle. Right now. I physically HURT. Right in my chest, it’s like my heart actually hurts. It sucks. I hate it.
It’s dark outside now, and that’s usually when this sh*t hits. And I’m alone…naturally, I’m usually always alone. Physically anyway. So now comes the time when I have to feel this crap. It’s been a very long time since I’ve REALLY truly honestly felt pain. Logically I understand it all, so I’m trying to keep my logical mind in place, and not get carried away and become under the influence of this pain I am dealing with. Because the second I do, I’m hittin the liquor store. And I DO NOT want to do that. Sooo, I’m writing, venting, vomiting verbal sputum.
The black thick raunchy vile death that has been sitting becoming gangrenous and smelly inside my body for so long, is now being forced out. I’m feeling the loss of someone that I once loved, someone whom I never really told how much I wanted to be with them. At least I never showed it. I’m feeling the pain of all the mistakes I made, and all the bullsh*t I drug my kids through…the deep empty feeling that sits void inside my heart where my grandfather’s (and now my grandmother’s) presence once filled. All these things have been ruminating around inside me today, and to be honest, it all hurts. I’ve cried today, a lot. My eyes hurt. I’ve prayed and asked for forgiveness. I know this all will pass, but as I take things, sometimes, one minute at a time, it just seems like it’s taking TOO LONG!!
This is a post from 10 years ago. TEN. And I can honestly say that I go through this exact same thing now. I still want to go get that bottle of Jameson, I still want to numb the pain, throw myself into oblivion and feel nothing. Though I will give myself some credit that I don’t go get that bottle of Jameson, I don’t abuse my mental health and pain medication. So I’m patting myself on the back for that. But the urge is still there sometimes. Trauma and abuse are linked to addiction. But I have found better ways to deal with the bad days now. I don’t reach for that quick fix, I don’t make excuses for this or for that. I just put it all out there and ask for help. I have crisis on speed dial, I have a therapist that I’ve been seeing for 8 years, I have a support network, and protocol when it gets so bad that I can’t deal.
I’ve had 5 psychiatric hospital stays because I couldn’t handle my life. I am not ashamed of that anymore. I used to be, but not now. I am an imperfect human being trying to live, and I know I am flawed.
I am doing better. Understanding is key, being vulnerable is necessary. Admitting mistakes is necessary, and so is apologizing.
Don’t give up if you struggle. Reach out and ask for help. If you are in crisis you can text 988.
Exerpted from “Staying Sober” by : Terence T. Gorski
“When most people think about alcoholism or drug addiction, they think only of the alcohol/drug-based symptoms and forget about the sobriety-based symptoms. Yet it is the sobriety based symptoms, especially post acute withdrawal, that make sobriety so difficult. The presence of brain dysfunction has been documented in 75-95% of the recovering alcoholics/addicts tested. Recent research indicates that the symptoms of post-acute withdrawal associated with alcohol/drug related damage to the brain may contribute to many cases of relapse.
Post acute withdrawal is a group of symptoms of addictive disease that occur as a result of abstinence from addictive chemicals. In the alcoholic/addict these symptoms appear seven to fourteen days into abstinence, after stabilization from the acute withdrawal.
Post acute withdrawal is a bio-psycho-social syndrome It results from the combination of damage to the nervous system caused by alcohol or drugs and the psychosocial stress of coping with life without drugs or alcohol.
Recovery causes a great deal of stress. Many chemically dependent people never learn to manage stress without alcohol and drug use. The stress aggravates the brain dysfunction and makes the symptoms worse. The severity of PAW depends upon two things: the severity of the brain dysfunction caused by the addiction and the amount of psychosocial stress experienced in recovery.
The symptoms of PAW typically grow to peak intensity over three to six months after abstinence begins. The damage is usually reversible, meaning the major symptoms go away in time if proper treatment is received. With proper treatment and effective sober living, it is possible to learn to live normally in spite of the impairments. But the adjustment does not occur rapidly. Recovery from the nervous system damage usually required from six to 24 months with the assistance of a healthy recovery program. Recent research is showing that for some recovering people the symptoms of PAW often occur at regular “moon cycle” interval and without apparent outside stressors. Often those 30, 60, 90, 120, 180, and 1 and 2 year sobriety dates seem to be “triggering” times for PAW symptoms to increase. People recovering from long term opiate and stimulant use often have PAW symptoms for no apparent reason for up to 10 years after they have stopped using their drug of choice. Often PAW symptoms appear to come and go without apparent reason and without any specific pattern. Individuals who intend to have consistent long-term recovery must learn to recognize these symptoms and learn how to manage them.
Symptoms of Post Acute Withdrawal
The most identifiable characteristic is the inability to solve usually simple problems. There are six major types of PAW symptoms that contribute to this. They are the inability to think clearly, memory problems, emotional overreactions and numbness, sleep disturbances, physical coordination problems, and general problems managing stress. The inability to solve usually simple problems because of any or all of these symptoms leads to diminished self esteem. A person often feels incompetent, embarrassed, and “not okay” about themselves. Diminished self esteem and the fear of failure interfere with productive and challenging living…”
I had studied all of this before, but as I read this, I realize that I need to keep focused. I have experienced some of these symptoms, and luckily I have not relapsed. It was very hard. I will better be able to handle recovery, if I understand what is happening.
Although, there have been times where I have fallen, face first, right off the wagon. It’s like the sticker stuck in your sock, that pokes your ankle but you can’t quite seem to find it. It’s always there. The thought of the sweet escape from whatever pain I’m feeling, is always there. Always. Dopamine is a powerful drug. Don’t ever think it’s your friend when you decide to reach for that unhealthy coping skill, because that skill could kill you. Trust me on that one. I’ve overdosed and only by the grace of God I am here to talk about it. Maybe one day I’ll write a post about it, but right now, I’m not ready.
Trigger Warning! Mentions of r*pe. I lost my virginity to r*pe. ***NOT FOR CHILDREN***
This is hard to write. Even though I’ve written about it before and have mostly processed the details, when I bring it to the forefront of my mind, all the feelings of humiliation, embarrassment, and pain all come back at once. I’ve worked hard to bring my logical mind forward in this instance, and not let my irrational mind take over. But it’s still a struggle.
When I was 17, my friend and I got permission from our parents to drive to Colorado to go visit some friends. I didn’t really think I would know anyone other than one person, but it was set to be a fun time, and my first ever trip as a “grown up”. Ha, I say that lightly, because I was far from grown.
We left and drove all night, listening to silly music (think “Do the mashed potato” or whatever it was called), and made it to our destination safely. I can’t remember what town it was, Estes Park? Not sure…I’ll probably remember later after I write this post.
When we arrived we walked into a fairly loud, filled apartment with music playing and laughter. I thought, ok.. this is going to be fun. I quickly realized that we were the only two females there. No worries, I had hung around with guys with no issues, and it was comfortable because they didn’t care if I wore makeup or had on the latest fashion trends.
We started drinking beer and just hanging out. I felt safe and was having a good time.
At some point my friend said she was tired and was going to go to bed. I felt the same, and was planning on crashing on the couch. Earlier in the evening I had seen one person that I new, who lived in the town that I lived in. I thought, cool.. I know three people now, my friend I came with, and her friend, and now this person….As I was getting ready to try to lay down and sleep, this person, man, asked me if I was coming with him. I thought, ok, he’s got a better place than the couch to sleep, and assumed with much naïveté that was what was going to happen.
We went to a bedroom to the back and he said that there was a makeshift bed on the floor at the end of a water bed that I could sleep on. I thought, cool… the rest of the crew was still partying and it was quieter in here. So I laid down.
Then he laid down next to me. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was going to sleep here with me because it was quieter. I thought, well, ok. I knew the guy, nothing was going to happen, and the place was crowded with people. Male and females can sleep in the same bed together as friends and not do anything. That is what I thought at the time.
The next few minutes are traumatic. Traumatic to even think about, remember, and feel. He quickly started groping me, grabbing my breasts roughly and trying to kiss me. I told him no, that I didn’t want to do that and he said, “I won’t do anything, we’ll just snuggle”. Something in my mind realized that I was in trouble.
At this point he was on top of me, and had my arms and hands pinned down. I struggled to get away but could not over power him. He then held me down, and somehow got my jeans and my panties off, and forced his penis inside of my vagina, all the while holding me so I could not get away. I kept saying “No, I don’t want to, Stop, No”. But he told me to be quiet and just “relax”.
There was a point in time where my mind left my body, and I went into a dissociative state. I stopped fighting him, and checked out. What he was doing to me was rape, and somewhere in my mind I knew that.
I was a virgin. I lost my virginity to rape. I lost my virginity to rape. I say that twice because this was not what I was told how sex should be, and part of me is still angry, and sad about it. But because of my other traumas, issues, inability to recognize what “things” were about, this is how it happened.
There is talk about fight or flight state, but there’s also a “freeze” state. It happens in animals as well, I’ve seen it with horses who have been abused when they can’t run, or fight, they freeze. This is what happened to me. I froze.
Here’s where the victim blaming kicked in.(Underlined link cited). I thought it was my fault because I had chosen to drive to Colorado and go to the party. I had not said “no” when he initially asked me to “come with me”. I thought it was my fault because I had drank some beers, but was far from drunk. I thought it was my fault period. And I made excuses for my self to self soothe at the time, because I didn’t know what else to do. I told my friend (who was a female, and who I had driven with) about it, but left out certain details, like how I kept telling him no, and that I didn’t want to do it. I made it sound like “I wanted it”. Deep down I felt like a failure, I felt violated, my body physically hurt, I had bruises on my arms and wrists. But I shared none of that.
Another way predators keep their victims in line; the man that did this to me would come around and continue to rape me. And I let him, because he was “nice” and he showed me attention, but only in the form of forcing me to have sex with him and telling me that it would ruin his life if I said anything. I was being groomed, and didn’t even know it.
It wasn’t until YEARS later that I was able to assimilate what had happened to me, and to forgive myself. It WAS NOT MY FAULT. I did not ask for it, and it was done against my will.
I lost my virginity to rape. I can never get that back. I can never recreate a loving relationship and have a do-over. It set the stage, along with other traumas, for many future dysfunctional relationships for me, and at least three other rapes. I had no idea how to love in a healthy way. Then I turned to substances when the emotional pain got to be too much, and my previous post (click here to read that post if you want) shared one of those occasions where unhealthy coping skills could have killed me.
I share this now because I understand the psychology behind the things that happened. I don’t feel like it was my fault anymore. The feelings of embarrassment, and shame do sneak in now and then, but I’m still human, still a work in progress. But it’s getting better.
I was reading some facebook posts that I had posted, and one said something like know your enemy, and know which battles to fight, and which to walk away from. (That was paraphrased, but you get the gist.) I have had some interaction with some people through out life and one thing I have noticed is that fear, anger, hurt; all keep people from looking outside the box. I have done that myself….and thankfully for the grace of God, I wasn’t turned away when I finally pulled my head ouf of my ass and listened. One of these people has become one of my best friends. If I had listened to what others had said, we wouldn’t be friends. Luckily this person has a genuine heart and “took me back” after I had been a stupid dumbass.
Judgement isn’t meant for me to do. Ignoring someone who is genuinely trying to just say a prayer…isn’t the issue. That issue is between that person and God. I pray for some people that I would, instead, rather poke a stick in their eye…. but keep doing it. God knows my heart already, so he knows I am doing it because He has told me to, not because it’s going to make whomever I pray for a better person. I know that sounds selfish, but the “doing of the prayers” isn’t up to me, so I’ll leave that to the Boss. What’s up to me is to do what I’m told. Even when it pisses me off. And let me tell you, it does sometimes. My prayers are occasionally loud and angry, but God knows what I mean. I’m not mad at God, and He knows that….and He is patient enough to let me vent….after all, He made me, so He knows how I feel.
I recently became aware of someone that I know, who has been struggling with addiction and mental health issues. This is close to my heart.
I have struggled my entire life with depression and suicidal thoughts. (Since the age of 9). This is close to my heart, because I have made it through the rough parts. But not without work and many failings and falling down.
When I found out about this person, I wrote a poem for him. He is no longer with us, and I wish I had paid closer attention, because I KNEW there was something going on behind the scenes. I saw it in his eyes. Lesson learned, I’m going to ask, friend, or foe, if I see something. If they reject, then Ok, but at least I tried.
Below is the link to the poem I wrote. I have a couple of sites, and try to publish poetry, writing etc, on two major sources, here and Medium.
Rest In Peace.
Please click the picture to read the poem. It’s a safe link, I will never post a link that is unsafe.
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#emotions
#processing
#mentalhealth
#don’tgiveup
#advocate
Here’s a Story 