I was reading some facebook posts that I had posted, and one said something like know your enemy, and know which battles to fight, and which to walk away from. (That was paraphrased, but you get the gist.) I have had some interaction with some people through out life and one thing I have noticed is that fear, anger, hurt; all keep people from looking outside the box. I have done that myself….and thankfully for the grace of God, I wasn’t turned away when I finally pulled my head ouf of my ass and listened. One of these people has become one of my best friends. If I had listened to what others had said, we wouldn’t be friends. Luckily this person has a genuine heart and “took me back” after I had been a stupid dumbass.
Judgement isn’t meant for me to do. Ignoring someone who is genuinely trying to just say a prayer…isn’t the issue. That issue is between that person and God. I pray for some people that I would, instead, rather poke a stick in their eye…. but keep doing it. God knows my heart already, so he knows I am doing it because He has told me to, not because it’s going to make whomever I pray for a better person. I know that sounds selfish, but the “doing of the prayers” isn’t up to me, so I’ll leave that to the Boss. What’s up to me is to do what I’m told. Even when it pisses me off. And let me tell you, it does sometimes. My prayers are occasionally loud and angry, but God knows what I mean. I’m not mad at God, and He knows that….and He is patient enough to let me vent….after all, He made me, so He knows how I feel.
There are times when others only want to talk to us, or see us when we seem to fit into their lives.
Our society has conditioned our ever present brains to accept what is put in front of our faces, usually via an electronic device or screen. We post a smiling face, nice house, fancy car, when in reality a lot of our lives are filled with pain, dysfunction and calamity.
Suicide thoughts run rampant among those of us who have had to deal with a lifetime of trauma. Or any trauma. Whether it’s from combat, familial abuse, spousal abuse, or abuse from a stranger. Anything traumatic, that makes a person question their safety, whether it’s emotional, spiritual, mental or physical,WILL CHANGE YOU.
I don’t care what you say. It changes a person. Someone who has experience trauma, will not come out on the other side the same, and a lot of times, they don’t even recognize what’s happening, and have no idea how to deal with it. (Me).
This has been me for the majority of my life. Not knowing what’s wrong, wanting to “fix” it, not understanding why I made horrible choices and decisions, and stumbling through, hiding my pain and ignoring my own emotional well being, thinking that crying, or showing emotion, was considered a weakness.
This year has been a really good year of understanding, self discovery, setting boundaries, forgiveness, mixed in with a range of emotions including extreme anger, heartbreak and acceptance. It’s not a done deal, as life is about change, and since we (me, you) are still here, then the progression will continue.
How much should a person share? Where’s the boundaries? When does it become too much? Or not enough? A lot of people really don’t care when they ask “How ya doin’?” It’s a knee jerk reaction, and honestly, we as humans need to watch our words. I STILL have a hard time with that… thinking that everyone means what they say. They don’t. They are full of shit.
Not every person is an asshole, not every person INTENDS to not mean what they say. But there are people who just provide lip service; they say what they think you want to hear, and walk off. Stay away from those people.
AND, there are genuine, good humans, who say things, then life happens and they, for some reason out of their control, couldn’t follow through, or said something that came out wrong. I’ve done that myself.
We aren’t perfect. Our lives aren’t perfect. We wake up with morning breath, we don’t always shave our legs (haha), we get so depressed that we feel like we would be better off, not alive anymore, or can’t shower, eat, breathe without physical pain. If I posted the 90 bazillion other photos of how I really feel during the day, most days, I’d have someone calling for a welfare check.
I guess I want to normalize being REAL. No, we don’t need to share everything, no one needs to know how many shits you took today… (unless you are in the hospital, or work in the medical field… but that’s another post…lol).
Needing validation is a human necessity, in my opinion, but, it needs to be done in a healthy way, and not filled with falsified “look at my perfect life” Instagram photos, or creating the perfect reel, with the perfect children, skinny perfect wife and hot ripped husband. We need to support each other as humans, perfectly flawed and messed up.
Yes, keep yourself healthy, because we all know that batshit crazy person (people) who’s narcissistic abusive behavior will ruin you. Set your boundaries, and for the love of mud, do not let them move. Flexible, maybe, but have a hard line. That may sound like a bass-ackwards way to describe it, but 🤷🏻♀️.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. (I have crisis in my contacts). Don’t be ashamed of not being what society or people think you should be. It’s not their business.
Also, if you’re an asshole, keep being you boo…you’re not fooling anyone.
Also, check out my short story. It was written raw and while I was dealing with and extremely difficult PTSD episode. But it’s all true. You can get it here on Barnes and Noble, or HERE on Amazon
I think I’ve figured out this whole online business thing. It’s been almost a year that I’ve been learning, creating, and figuring it out.
Here’s some things I’ve found out about the online space, and making money.
Money doesn’t buy you happiness. I’ve had it, made it, lost it, and honestly, it hasn’t brought me any kind of peace at all.
If you think that you are going to start a business without investing money, you’re being mislead.
If you think that you are going to make fast money, again, you’re being mislead.
I’ve found out that, for me, if it doesn’t bring me peace, a sense of completeness, and the ability to maybe help others, THEN IT’S NOT WORTH IT, and I’m not going to do it.
I have found what makes me feel good, what brings me peace, and what ignites a fire under my ass. It’s not building funnels, or landing pages, it’s not getting a new affiliate partnership with another company, it’s not sitting in zoom calls listening to rah rah speeches, and being told that I need to do this or that to make money.
MONEY MONEY MONEY. I’m so sick of hearing about money. Because honestly if I die tomorrow, I can’t take it with me. Money is REQUIRED to live in most places in a populated society. But everyone is different, and their goals are different. That’s ok.
I am a lifelong trauma survivor. I’ve struggled MY ENTIRE LIFE. I struggle to this day.
What I have realized is that writing helps me process that trauma, and makes me not want to kill myself. Yea, that’s heavy, but it’s the truth. Building a huge affiliate program isn’t what I want to do. I want to pour my heart and soul into what I write because it feels RIGHT. It’s right for me. So that’s what I’m going to do.
I will probably keep the few affiliate partnerships that I have, my amazon store, maybe my Etsy store, I don’t know yet. But I’ll be getting rid of all of the others, because it’s just not right for me.
So for my followers, thank you for hanging in there with me. Thank you for seeing me and allowing me to find my passion. It’s been a year, for sure.
Follow me on Twitter @hrsygurl. On Medium @hrysgurl. On Facebook. (You can click the underlined words). And of course here.
Thank you. Really, I mean it, from the bottom of my heart.
If you would like to join the writing challenge for November, go to this link NaNoWriMo.org. It’s not too late!
Key words: what is my passion, struggling to find my passion, how to find your passion when you are depressed, find your passion meaning, how to find your passion and purpose, finding and fulfilling pursuit, discover your passion.
This is a challenge where you can network with other writers, the general public, or completely keep your writing private. It runs until the end of November, and the challenge is to write at least 50,000 words. That’s 50k.
I’m at a little over 10k right now.
If you divide it up, it’s writing approximately 2000 words a day. That’s easy to do if you can get in your zone.
Let me know what you think. 😊
If you don’t see much of me on here, that’s why. I’m in my mojo and writing, though I will try to check in and share my progress.
So I was reading a blog tonight, and noticed a comment left on one of my posts that I never answered, so I answered it tonight. And I realized that when I thought about what I was going to say, that I was over such a “love”. Maybe over isn’t the right word. Maybe just settled with what it really is. Which is not for me. I thought I could love such a “love” into existence, and I can not. No matter how much I love, it’s not going to be returned. I’m ok with that now. I kept telling this person that I would eventually “get over it” for lack of a better phrase, and so he would understand. And I guess I am there now. I am full of compassion and care for him, but I know that it will be nothing more than friends at this point. No need to go into the why’s or how comes, because it doesn’t matter…I have come to enough closure, that I can let it go to it’s place inside my heart, to lay dormant and subsequently grow into something else. I don’t know what that something else is going to be, or if or when…but I know that it will because that’s what God has promised.
As I look back, again, on the healing process I see my heart bleeding tears, I see my eyes running dry, and I remember waking up only to realize that it was happening again…with that sick vomit feeling in the pit of my stomach. Thinking, “oh God, here I go again.” Months of why’s, and anger, and tears and hurt and bitchyness….of trying to be “friends” with this person, only to realize each time that it was only allowing me to lose my own self respect. You would have thought that since I had been through this before, I would have not done the same things again…but noooooo…I didn’t want to give up, and kept trying. Only to realize that I knew how it was all going to end anyway, and just couldn’t or wouldn’t face it. Maybe it’s just my stubbornness that makes excuses for myself. HA. Of course that makes no sense whatsoever….Whatever, either way I’m ok, and I always knew I would, I just kept hoping….
Hope is something that I cannot lose, ever. When, the few times I have lost hope…I’ve lost everything. I am not put together to be without it…kind of like love…. I can be without love…romantic, committed love, but I can’t be without hope. It’s what keeps me going. Keeps me looking for the good in things, soldiering on, growing…I’ll never know everything life has to offer. But without hope, I won’t experience anything.
Here’s a Story 