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A little “broncy”

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I was reading in this little NIV bible I got at a youth rodeo a couple summers ago–this morning–and the commentary from James Gholson was that sometime during his life, he got a little “broncy”.  I chuckled because I’ve been there…except I would call myself A LOT “broncy”.  No matter what I did, I wasn’t going to listen to God and I was buckin….ears back, kickin and stomping …. the whole way. If you have ever seen a horse do that, you know what I mean.

Recently I have been off work on short term disability, and yesterday was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve been seeing a medical doc, therapist, a psychiatrist, and now a rheumatologist. He explained a lot of what’s been going on with my body.  Which hasn’t been cooperating for the last five years, at least.  I have been suffering the effects of ptsd and panic disorder quite a bit recently, and with the help of my therapist, I am realizing that I have not dealt with the rape, break-in and abuse.  Duh. Go figure.  Me not deal??  LOL.

A little “broncy”

Yesterday I made a decision that I’m going to spend the rest of whatever years I have left, managing myself mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically…in a much better manner.  I think as life moves forward, we say that a lot.  “I’m going to do better, I’m going to not to this or not do that.  I’m going to …” you fill in the blank.  I am guilty of that. But I believe that life is that way, so we can grow, which seems like common sense, and in hind sight, it is.  My rheumatologist told me to do whatever type of exercise I can handle and that I enjoy.  Well, I hate going to the gym…it’s boring.  But I love to train and ride horses.  And that’s ok for me to do.  I am very thankful and blessed to have a friend that is letting me train her rescue colt, and ride him.  I pay for it, physically, but the pain is worth the pleasure and the wholeness that it gives my soul.  I know God is working in my life….which is weird.  I have known that God HAS worked in my life, but I consciously feel like I can see it at the present time.  I feel like a dork…because I should have “seen” it before.  I’m stubborn though… 

I may not have a lot of money, I may not drive the newest vehicle, or live in the big fancy house, but that doesn’t matter.  When I go, I can’t take all those things with me. I’m finding that comfort zone…some may not agree on how I handle that zone, but that’s not their decision, nor is it their business.  Some will and are judging me, but again…go ahead. Like I’ve said before…if you have nothing better to do than talk about me or judge my life, then go ahead…and here….let me give you something else to talk about….…

I am feeling very blessed and grateful right now.

This is a repost from 2013. I vaguely remember this time. I have since had the RA diagnosis removed, and they added fibromyalgia, osteopenia, and spinal stenosis. The latter being within the last month. Kinda sucky if you ask me, and I’m not dealing with it well.

I re-read my own blog because it started as a therapy tool, and it’s important to see how far I’ve come, how far I fall, and how far I pull myself back up again.

It’s tough some days, but I’m still here.

✌️

Shassy

Keywords: broncy, spinal stenosis, fibromyalgia, osteopenia

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My Story

woman in purple shirt covering her face with her hand

This is a reprint from 10 years ago…sometimes I re-read my journal entries, to see if I can gauge where my head was at the time, or if I can remember why I wrote what I did.

I remember exactly this time. I know who said that to me….why I wrote what I did.

***My story is a work in progress. I was told today that I am getting sober for the wrong reasons.  This caused me to look inward to see what my motives were.  And after doing that, going to a meeting, I realized that I whole heartedly disagree with this person.

I am in recovery because I don’t like myself when I’m all f*cked up on pills or booze.  I am in recovery because I WANT to be different.  To me that’s the most important thing, that I want to change.

I started drinking when I was 16 because I found out that it numbed the pain.  It numbed the pain of knowing that my father left me when I was one year old.  It numbed the pain of my mother taking me away from my grandparents, the only security I had known since my father had left.  It numbed the pain of having a mother show back up in my life, when I didn’t know who she was.  It numbed the pain of living with her and her new husband, in a household with such different rules and ways, that I didn’t know whether I was coming or going.  It numbed the pain of being told that I was a spoiled rotten brat and that I should be ashamed of myself for loving my grandparents. It numbed the pain of moving away when I was 14, to Kansas, away from my grandparents, the only parents I had ever bonded with.  Drinking killed all that pain, and allowed me to not hurt all the time.  It allowed me to come out of my walls I had built up as a defense mechanism.  It numbed the pain when my grandfather died, a pain that to this day is just as real, and hurts just as much, as it did in  1995, when he died. Drinking numbed the pain from everything…Because of whatever reason, I found that booze made life bearable.

My Story

So I floated on, went through marriages, had two of the most awesome kids in the world, and continued to drink, every time I got hurt. It seemed like when I would trust, it would hurt, and so I drank. Then in 2008, I had a stalker with a subsequent home invasion, and wow, now I could REALLY drink to forget. Following that joyful occurence, came a DUI…nope, you guessed it.  I kept on.  Going to jail was nothing, it was just another piece of pain for me to drown with more booze.

Then in 2011 I had a really cool doctor prescribe me hydrocodone for my joint pain…how cool is that! I had an unlimited supply of pills and booze.  I could really get the numbing going on now.

I drove by an addiction treatment center everyday on the way to work.  Because I am in the medical field, I subconsciously knew that I was in trouble when it dawned on me that I couldn’t go a minute with out my pills. So, what did I do..nothing.    Until 7 January 2012 at 1730.  That day I decided I was going to go out and work on some horses that I was training.  I had finally gotten a day off, and it was nice out, so why not.  I had my bottle of pills, and stopped by the liquor store on the way to the barn. Worked the horses all day, got the sh*t kicked out of me, and decided to call it quits and go home.  Luckily, I made it home.  But not after this….Image

Image

After drinking an entire bottle of 100 proof liquor, and popping a zillion pills, I decided to drive, and this is what happened. I do not remember how it happened, just that it did, and that I woke up pinned in my car. I guessed how it happened…by the process of elimination, but the truth is I was so f*cked up, that I nearly killed myself.  I’m glad it was only trees I hit, and not another human being.

Do you think that stopped me?  No.  It took almost six more weeks for me to check myself into treatment.  I finally realized that I was headed to jail, or a dirt nap.

Went to treatment, which was one of the most awesome experiences of my life, and got out.  Only to come home to an outreached hand with pills and booze in it.  So, what did I do.  Take them, of course. The tirade of verbal bashing I got because of going to treatment was just enough for me to CHOOSE to relapse almost immediately to kill that pain as well. Notice I said choose.  It was my choice.

I subsequently left that relationship because it was doing me no good. Moved home, and started to settle down.  Then I lost my job, my apartment, and popped a bunch more pills and ended up in the hospital drinking some charcoal cr*p that made me puke. Then I passed out during a blood gas test, which supposedly hurts, but I had no clue. Where in the f*ck was my booze when I needed it. It just went with the pills.

Moved to an apartment for a month, then moved back to “home”.  At this point I was not taking any more pills.  December 2012 was the last time I took any prescription pain pills, psychotropic pills, or sleeping pills. I found a little house, and with my tax return and unemployment, moved in.

Did I stop drinking, no. I drank one last time. The next day I went to a meeting, hungover. (I had started seeing a great man, who is also in recovery.  Someone who I was sure would understand where I came from, and I finally started to go to meetings, and found that I enjoyed them.)  Then I started doing some self bashing. What in the hell was I doing. I knew deep inside that I was STILL trying to numb those pains. It was time to stop. And I’ve been doing good…but you know what I’ve noticed…is that all those feelings that I’ve been numbing for so long, are REALLY fresh at this point.  I know my skin will get thicker with time. But right now, WOW…it’s all coming back like a freakin banshee…42 years of pain.  That’s a lot for me to handle.

This morning, as I said, I was told I was staying sober for the wrong reasons.  I disagree…I’m staying sober for me, because I WANT to be sober, deal with all the pain, accept it and let it go.  All my pain that I have shoved away, and numbed with drugs, are going to be let go.  But I have to feel them first…and wow, that’s a big one.

Now is when I really am searching for that support through others that have been where I have been.  I understand the process logically, but emotionally it’s going to be work.  This I know. I just hope that those that I love, and those that love me, will at least understand that this is my battle, and I will win it. And Lord please be patient with me…I am only human.

✌️

Shassy

Keywords: addiction, mental health, popping pills, alcohol, car wreck, sober, hungover

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(Steaming pile of cow shit)

This time I win (Steaming pile of cow shit)

Cow shit I win This time


I don’t know how many times I’ve been through this in the last five or six years.  Up the rollar coaster…feeling like I’m king of the mountain…working hard, going to school, smelling the roses….then I crash into a huge pile of fresh hot steaming cow shit. Judas tits…then I climb back up out of the steaming hot pile of cow shit…get myself put back together, which takes a momentous amount of time because when I say I crash…I do it very well. I start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel…and whammy, I’m there!  Yeeeeee haw!  Whoopie I’m here! Wait, what?  Ok….so back to working hard, smelling the roses and all.  Then something happens again, and down I go into a different pile of shit.  Deep down inside I know why this has happened.  My intuition is pretty good.  Or gut feeling, whatever you want to call it.  I’ve spent all this time and energy on trying to ignore what causes my glorious swan dives into piles of fresh shit.

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But this time is different.  I’ve never said THAT before. This time when I climb up out of that shit, I’m going to learn to put my boots on and walk through it, instead of diving head first into it from an abnormally high cosmic altitude of escape.  I’m learning new ways to cope with the reasons I take those dives.  I already knew what those reasons were…but I kept trying to pretend I was “ok”.  No, I’m not “ok”.  I’m hurt and traumatized.  I’m scared and filled with fear.  I live in a world dominated by irrational feelings caused from fear; a world filled with anxiety and panic. Triggers that I should not have to deal with from anyone, at home or at work.  Intimidation and abuse is NOT ok, and it will not be tolerated in my life anymore.  That fear and anxiety may go away some days, or some days it may not.  Either way, there’s going to be new and better ways to handle my life, so that I create a daily way of living that is functional and progressive.  That’s been the biggest issue.  Not admitting what the traumas are, and that I HAVE been affected by them.  Just accepting that fact and getting the right help, has been the biggest and most proactive thing I have done for myself in these last few weeks. I don’t care what you think about why I’ve been gone…or anyone for that matter.

This time is different…this time I win.  🙂

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Click here to get it on.

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Stirrings….(archive pub 3-20-2013)

Stirrings

I have been seriously moved within my soul today.  I can not explain it, other than God is trying to tell me something…I have had an indwelling of the holy spirit before in my life, and I really feel something coming this time.  And remarkably enough, I am very calm.  Or ready…not sure which.  I found something I wrote down at some point, on a piece of paper in my bible.  It’s a thing that Oswald Chambers said…

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“Conviction of sin is one of the rarest things that ever strikes a man.  It is the threshold of an understanding of God.  Jesus Christ said that  when the Holy Spirit came, he would convict of sin, and when the Holy Spirit rouses the conscience and brings him into the presence of God, it is not his relationship with men that bothers him, but his relationship with God.”

https://shassyswalkabout.wordpress.com/4Patriotstactical

I know when I am under conviction…So I’m not exactly sure why this came to be and why I found this.  I just prayed for guidence and strength.  I am getting ready to have a meeting with someone, and maybe I need to be strong for something for them, or me, or God.  I don’t know.  But I do know in the past God has prepared me for things this way.  One of my favorite things that I have to do is trust and obey.  So I’m trusting right now.  I don’t know the future.  I’ll watch my walk and stay close to what I know right now.

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To love or not to love (archive pub on 5-5-2013)

To Love or not

shovel

So, for the last few days I’ve been wondering why I love someone who can’t or won’t love me back.  And why I even want that love.  I started over analyzing and wondered if it had something to do with the fact that I didn’t feel loved as a child, or rather that those that I did feel love for and loved me, got removed from my life in some sort of way.  Has that psychological damage followed me to some extent through out life?  I wonder.  I don’t want to create a reason, if it’s not there.  But why on earth have I picked someone who can’t reciprocate?  I’ve had other relationships…abusive ones, liars, cheaters…you know the whole country song….well, I guess my dogs haven’t left me.  HA…

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Anyway..so I’m trying to figure out why I am still hanging on.  I have gone back and forth…one day I buck up and say…”I can’t do this anymore, I’m moving on”.  Then the next day I say..”No, I love you too much…it just won’t go away”.  I have many invitations for dates…no, I’m not all that and a bag of chips.  But I do get asked out.  So I think…should I go?  Almost INSTANTLY I hear in my head, “no”.  Yuck…I don’t even want to be with anyone else.  I’m fine alone most of the time.  

There are those moments that I’m not ok being alone, but that passes.  I am human after all, and with this new task of dealing with all my pent up emotions, I must realize that I am a lover by nature…I don’t always like being by myself.  I’ll survive, but I don’t like it.  But back to what I’m rambling about.  Why do I love the unreachable…and am I just being used?  I don’t think the intent is that.  I’m leaning on love and hoping that their heart is true and filled with honest motivation.  I choose to believe that.  I’m a better person when I see the good in people instead of the bad.  Granted, I have to be aware and cautious…I can’t be completely blind to others not so loving actions.  But I can choose how to react.  

woman holding flowers in hands in water

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Frick…I keep getting off track…this is supposed to be therapeutic for me to work through what obstacles I have in front of me.  Maybe there’s more I need to deal with than just wondering why I love someone who doesn’t want to love me back.  Like maybe my choices as to how I deal and handle that.  So how do I do that.  With the fluctuation of feelings from one day to the next sometimes, it’s kinda hinky.  I can usually recognize that up and down thing, and know that it’s important to realize my thought process is under the influence of a strong emotion.  I try to always think logically, but that doesn’t work all the time.  I am a breathing, feeling, human being and with that comes a shit-storm of emotion.  And sometimes I just don’t get it.  I know that not everything will be understood, but it’s frustrating for me sometimes to not be able to “fix it”.  I tend to try to do that a lot, and it doesn’t always work.  I have to remember that I am not in control, and therefore I cannot fix everything all the time.  UGH.  Pain in my ass.

Skeeter
My girl Skeeter. She’s gone over the rainbow bridge. She was a good girl. I wish I had some of these products for her back when she was still here. 💜

So how do I deal with loving someone who doesn’t think he can love me back.  I think that’s what’s been decided.  That love isn’t being given to me like I wanted.  At least that’s kinda what’s been mentioned.  How can one person know that their love isn’t enough for another?  Is there too much fear to love me?  Is there too big of a fear of getting hurt?  Or is there simply the lack of wanting to love me.  I don’t know.  People are different, love is sometimes different. There are some things that love DOES NOT do, but I always thought that when people loved, they showed it and wanted to show it.  Who knows.  Maybe I’m trying to control it too much.  I do know that I’m trying to not hurt.  I think I’m afraid of the heart ache that I will go through if I completely turn away.  I can compartmentalize pretty well when I have to, it’s just not always proven positive in the past.  It’s good sometimes, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, I’ve found that it’s not always the way to go.

water drop

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I’ve thought about that though.  Making the choice to move on.  Right now my choice is to not move on.  But it’s soooooooo frustrating sometimes!!!!!  I have such a hard time with the grey area…I don’t do grey area well…at all.  Which is probably why I am feeling so lost right now and why I feel like I don’t know how to handle this.  This is a huge grey area for me. Then I add in my choice for how I live my life.  In the past I would have grabbed a drink, or a pill, more recently, to help me “deal”…(ha…that’s an oxymoron, deal with issues with a pill or drink???….not).  I have to remind myself on a really trying day that I don’t want to do it that way.  I like it better this way, but old habits die hard, and the bad ones even harder.  But the thought of moving on, just doesn’t seem right.  

Or maybe I’m making that excuse up.  I don’t think so.  Not at this point.  I’m just not ready to give up yet. If and when that time comes, I don’t think I will feel like I’ve given up.  I think I will have accepted the reality of the situation.  Do I hope that he will want to love me again?  YES.   Will I be ABLE to wait forever, no, I don’t think so.  I like to love.  And I think that eventually I will know that if he doesn’t want to love me, that someone else will want to.  I don’t know God’s plans for my life.  I want to, and I want to hear what He has to say.  I pray everyday for His will to be in my life…and I also know that doubt and confusion is not of God.  So, in saying that, I am just reminded that I need to let go and let God handle it.  Anything is possible.  And I will keep the faith.

Peace out.  (Yea…I don’t know why I’m putting that on all my posts…must be going through a phase. )  🙂

To love
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Today, I let go (originally published on 4-27-2013) Wow, how things have evolved. Strong

woman in yellow jacket and blue denim jeans sitting on blue round chair

Today I let go

Let go


I let go.

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I let go

…Took that step in faith, as the other part of my heart said the other day…. I quit trying to force something that’s not there.  It’s weird…it’s like I’m going through losing my best friend and my love, again. Although, this time, I feel like I never had that best friend, or love, to begin with.  I was simply honest (with myself mostly)  with how I felt, and what I could do, and what I needed to do to keep myself healthy.  The thing about human nature is that, people do what they want.  They act how they want, and react how they want.  Unless someone is holding a gun to their head…it’s really always their choice.  We are each responsible for our own actions, we can’t blame the weather, our parents, our boss, or our dog…it’s our choice. Period.

shovel

Don’t get me wrong….I haven’t given up.  I’m just waiting from a little further away now. I’ve simply decided that I cannot give and give, with nothing in return.  Because I know how I feel will not change right now, there’s still a chance.  But like a flower that doesn’t get water, eventually my feelings will be put into the proper place and I will quit nurturing it. It’s not healthy for me. I can’t do shallow, or what I perceive as shallow. Some things we can not change about ourselves…other things we can.

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Today, I have been sober for 67 days. Doesn’t seem like a lot, but for me it is.  I can’t remember the last time I was sober for that long…LOL…it seems weird that I never thought of that before.  In the past I would have gone to the liquor store during this time in my life….  But now I see it from a different perspective….if I know that what I am doing is making me unhealthy, then I try to stop it, so I don’t allow myself to fall into those old ways of “being”, that would lead me to slip.  And really, it’s allowing me to understand the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of love I want to share with someone else.  I read somewhere that if two people give 100% with love, then it will overlap, and they will be able to balance each other out when it’s needed.  That seems like a great partnership.  I am blessed to know some couples like that.  I love watching them together…it makes me giddy inside like a little school girl.  Yea..Ima dork.  🙂

Anyway…I really miss this person.  I can’t turn off the way I feel, but I have to keep it to myself right now.  If and when the time ever comes for that 100%/100% sharing to come into my life, I will be ready.  I can’t see into the future, but God knows my heart.  He’ll take care of me. This I know to be true.

To B Bear…I love you.  I wish God’s blessings upon your life, I pray you feel and hear His voice in your heart, and experience the indwelling of love that only He can give you. I pray for safety and guidance for you in everything you do, and because I have faith, I know it is done.

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Update: As I’m reading back through these memoirs, I find myself remembering the feelings I had at the time.

Oh, how I have survived. Oh have I let go, of so much.

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Acceptance and Excitement…a plethora of cool new things are in store.

closeup photography of stacked stones

Acceptance and Excitement

Updated: As I re-read this post I was reminded of things from 9 years ago. Life has changed since then, because that’s what life does. I want to share everything. My friend as since passed away.

I have a friend that I’ve known for over 25 years.  I love her dearly.  But I have been watching her kill herself for the last few years.  She has become increasingly rude and belligerent when she has been drinking, and she is miserable.  She gets defensive and hateful, and there is absolutely no way to talk to her.  She came over one day and I suggested that we talk, and I asked what her ideas were for working this out, and she called me stubborn, and got up and walked out of my house.  As she was walking out, she told me that I think too much.

tibetan singing bowls
To learn about SOUNDS THAT CAN HEAL, click the picture above.
Photo by Magicbowls on Pexels.com

It’s so hard to come to the conclusion that I have to distance myself from anyone that is going to bring me down…or at least make my recovery harder.  But man does it hurt to have to say ” I’m sorry, I can’t be around you because of your drinking”.  I have tried to talk to her…tried getting angry, being nice…everything…but nothing works.  She will choose her alcohol over anything and anyone.  She has lost numerous relationships and even her son because of it, but refuses to face reality.  She told me a few years ago  “if I die tomorrow and I’m pickled, I don’t care.”  When I was talking to her a few months ago, I asked her if she remembered telling me that, and she said she didn’t.

This is a new and different thing for me.  First of all being so passionate about changing my own life and FINALLY realizing that I can do it and more importantly, WANTING to do it.  My ways of thinking have become different, as I’m sure they will continue to do so.  But what is more weird, for lack of a better word, is the undeniable feeling that I want so bad for my friend to be healthy and stop her overdrive to a painful, miserable death.  I know I cannot make her do it…people do what they want.  

people in a sound bath
To learn about sounds that CAN HEAL, click the photo above
Photo by ANTONI SHKRABA on Pexels.com

But it simply breaks my heart…I see her and hear her breathing labored, listen to her tell me that she chokes and can’t keep a lot of food down, and that she’s really not hungry anymore.  Her stomach is distended from her liver being swollen, and her face and neck are visibly swollen.  My daughter noticed the signs as well.  I wish there was some way to show her what her death is going to be like if she doesn’t stop.  Maybe that would make her want to.  The liver is a magical organ, and can repair itself if the damage isn’t permanent.  I heard wonderful stories of that happening today.  There is hope.  I just wish she could see that hope.  Instead of isolating and shutting people out.  I guess I know what hopelessness feels like, and I know what it’s like to isolate. And I thank God everyday for the second chance that has been given to me to make my life better, with His help. I just wish my friend would see it too.

Something else that I’ve learned about myself in the last few weeks, is that I am not a very trusting person.  Ta Da!!!  Duh…it took me this long to figure that out???  I always claimed to trust unless given a reason not to…which is for the most part true.  But 99% of the time, it is almost impossible for me to trust.  When I started my journey, I started to FINALLY go to meetings consistantly with my B Bear, and I realized that I was missing out.  Then I realized that I trusted him…which is something that kind of blind sided me.  Being able to trust him, allowed me to take huge steps in my own recovery…no, I do not feel co-dependent…I firmly believe that God used my awesome B Bear to allow me to help myself.  I firmly believe that if we allow ourselves, and sometimes even when we don’t know it, God will use us as he deems fit for His will to be done.   I am not going to meetings with him as much these days because of distance, money, and the fact that I have a meeting place close to my house.  Along with a couple other reasons, but I really miss that security I feel when I’m with him.  I know someday that will change, because I also believe that we are going to be an awesome team together…not sure in what capacity, but I am sure about the potential.  I’ve been shown that.  But, being the human that I am, and also realizing that I am more sensitive than I wanted to admit or own, I really miss the closeness and camaraderie that I have with him when we are together.

white and gray stone on brown wooden table
To learn about sounds that CAN HEAL, click the photo above.
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Being sensitive…that is another thing I’m having to understand and balance.  Something I’ve tried to deny for so many years.  I really feel that I care deeply about others, and I love caring for others and have the ability of being able to be empathetic.  To understand and really listen…I love doing that.  A huge part of my own self worth is in the caring for others.  I will not try to change that, because it makes me feel whole and like I am doing something worthwhile.  If others don’t like it, then they can kiss my ass.  🙂  I can’t wait to finish school and really move into a new and different part of my life…being clean and able to give my all to another person.  I mean really, how cool is that??

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Acceptance
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Who is God? Soft place to fall (from archives 3-21-2013)

Soft place to fall. Who is God?

Who is God A soft place to fall

I was laying in bed at some point during the night thinking.  Scary thought, yes I know…..then something came to mind that I haven’t thought of in a long time.  Something that I used to be very aware of and understood. Who is God?

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I once heard the more one tries to live their life the “right” way, the more obstacles will be thrown in their way to influence them to make what could be the wrong choices.  I believe that we just don’t “disappear” when our physical body dies.  I believe in heaven and hell.  I just don’t know exactly what the process is to get there…process meaning what actually happens to the soul.  But really, who is God?

Some believe that there will be a portion of time where the soul will be “sleeping” until Christ returns…(Christian beliefs).  I have also heard that some go directly to heaven, or the fire pit.  As well as some who believe the soul/spirit stays around whatever plane is close to us, while we are still a living breathing human being.  I don’t know what is what.  I know what I have experienced and that’s enough to make me believe that there is A LOT we do not know or understand.  I do believe that we are surrounded by good and bad.  And that we can be influenced either way by many different sources.  

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My point being, that if I am striving to do better, and making progress in that area, then I believe there is the possibility of bad influences becoming more prevalent.  Some might call it karma, what goes around comes around, temptation, stupidity…whatever.  I just think it’s important to pay attention, not let your guard down, because that’s when I, personally, will fall.  In my experience, when I fall, it’s really hard, and I do and say things that could ruin a good thing.  If I pray, and ask for guidance and do a daily inventory of my thought process and actions, I’ll find that I am calmer, and more prepared for those attempts to allow me to fall prey to my weakness’.  I’ve said so many times that understanding or being able to understand is soooooo important to me. If I can’t understand why I do things, or why someone else does things, then I can’t react accordingly.  Or, I can’t help in a way that will be positive and beneficial to others. Whatever that reason may be, I feel like I need to try my very best everyday, and honestly, I haven’t been doing that.

To the ones I love, and that love me,  I’m sorry…I promise I’ll do better.

who is the real god

who is god to you list

who is god of world

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Analyzing Trauma (from the archives 2017)

Analyzing trauma

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This is mostly a therapy post today.

I am a member of a group on facebook that is a safe place for those diagnosed with PTSD, or other psychological illnesses.  I don’t post very often, but read what others are going through.  On almost  **every. single. post. ** there is some form of abuse.  Sexual, Mental, physical, emotional.  Ever single one.  What the fuck?!

I was reading one today and the rp was stating that they were triggered into an anxiety/panic attack from someone showing anger, or such other negative action.  I instantly understood exactly what they were saying.  Any type of anger, rudeness, or aggression sends me into a spiral.  I can remember feeling THAT, my entire life, and as a young child.  I wanted to crawl into a hole and die–I distinctly remember wanting to die at the age of 9.  I know that I’m not the only child that has ever felt that way.  And that saddens me.

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Recently, I’ve been going through something.  I realize that my physical illnesses cycle, and I’m beginning to see a correspondence with my psychological illness, cycling the same way.  I don’t know if one triggers the other, or what causes it.  I’m still learning, or trying to.

I went on doing other things this morning, and into the afternoon.  Doing some website tests, and laundry and just daily stuff.   I was honkin around on the internet and came upon a story about a 16 yo female, convicted of 1st degree murder and sentenced to life in prison.  (I’m purposely leaving out details, as it’s, well, personal.)   It was an hour long story on the how’s, why’s, etc of the case.  During one part of the story, they had coverage of her trial.  I had been watching this story for over 30 minutes, trying to understand the case.  But, when the clip came on, showing the trial, I flipped the fuck out.  Serious flashback mode.  I thought I was going to pass out.  (And I’m sitting on my ass.)   30 minutes of tachycardia, feeling like I was going to suffocate, shaking, crying, disassociating.   I’m just now calming down.   It’s insane.

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At first, I didn’t know what was happening, or how it was happening.  But at some point I put together that the court scene, brought up memories and feelings from when I had to go to court to face my abusers.  It makes me sick to my stomach.   I forced myself to watch the entire story…like a bad car wreck.   I tried to think of a way to work through it, so I’m spewing all of this on here.  I don’t want to call crisis, because they’ll send the flipping ambulance.  Even if my phones location is turned off.   I’m trying to work through it myself.  I mean the dogs are here, and they listen…lol…and I’ll try to make something funny come out of it somehow.   But it’s always just me.   I’m ok with that to some extent.  This is a lot to put on others around me.  I don’t want to do that.  It’s hard to understand and hard to explain.   I think there is only one person, that I know right now, that can understand how I am feeling.  And that person isn’t available most of the time, and I’m not going to bother them.

Sometimes I wonder.  Wonder what it would be like to not be me.  Be someone else who hasn’t had “stuff” happen to them.  Then of course I pull my head out of my ass and realize that that is completely unrealistic.  Duh.

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stages of trauma

how to recover from emotional trauma

signs of emotional trauma in adults

mental disorders caused by trauma

trauma definition

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I can’t stop it, it just keeps on a comin’

gray wooden maze
I can’t stop it (from the archives 3-23-2013)
I can’t
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I can’t stop it. I find that I need to remember that these growing pains I’m going through MUST be treated and handled as they are…from the past.  They are feelings, unresolved emotions, and sometimes unrequited love.  off on a small tangent—>(The inability of the unrequited lover to express and fulfill emotional needs may lead to feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria.  

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WOW…just wow.  Since I have experienced some of these, it just reaffirms to me that it’s soooooo important to make sure those that I love, KNOW IT.  Even if by some chance, I have a secret prince charming admirer((which I don’t)),  riding a white steed, and I don’t know it…it’s still important to acknowledge their feelings, if at all possible… but then I guess he wouldn’t be a SECRET admirer..well anyway, you get the point…in my EXPERT opinion….ok, yea, I’m NOT an expert..but I have an opinion…)<—-back from tangent……It is the past.  I have lived through it…I may be dealing with and letting go of things or feelings from the past, but I do not feel that way now, in the present.  When I think about it that way, it makes it easier…I was once told that I compartmentalize well.  I don’t know if other people do that, but it works for me.  Especially now when I’m coming to terms with so many different things.  I have to remember to keep my feelings “separate”, for lack of a better word.  I can’t let the past come into the present, thus affecting my future.  Seems like common sense to me.   Hmmm….

What is love anyway.  There are different kinds of love, but it seems that so much pain and hurt stems from this one emotion/feeling that we all experience on some level.   It is sometimes a wild untamed action that starts with a stirring of emotion from the most wonderful place in the body.  The heart.  Sometimes it’s fresh and new and filled with adoration and so much awe for a person that words often cannot be formed.  Sometimes it starts as a mutual agreement between two people who believe they would be “good” together.  Then they go for it.  What happens next is life, love, pain, fear, laughter, sadness, growth, trust and if the motives are true, and the foundations are solid, and both want commitment  then it is a gift that should not be tossed aside.

The scary part  is during that time when it all starts to hit home…”what have I done?”  The new wears off for a while, and all those memories of how much love hurt comes flooding back like the running of the bulls.  Unexpected and confusing, this also brings every insecurity back with it like a surfer riding the ultimate wave. Now is the time when it becomes completely confusing.  One could be overcome with the drug like influence of insecurity and fear, mixed with the flashback of how f*cking much it hurt the last time love came around. They say love hurts…but it’s not love itself, as we know. It’s the people attached to love that make it hurt. It’s the possibility of getting emotionally manipulated that makes love as an action hurt.  Or it’s the possibility of losing someone we have given our all too.  Or it’s just something….What?  That’s when for me I must think logically.  One day at a time.  Or one minute or second at a time.  Why should I worry about something that doesn’t exist?  Duh…I shouldn’t.  I don’t want to worry something into existence, which can and has happened.  How dumb is that.

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It used to be when I would feel anxiety, or that old insecurity of worrying about heart ache, I would pray.  I mean really pray…fall down on my knees and cry my eyes out begging for God to help me, kind of praying.  And, it worked.  I got so damn good at giving it up that I could physically feel the anxiety leave my chest.  It was really cool.  But somehow, somewhere over the last few years, I’ve gotten lost and fallen on my own understanding to handle that stuff.  That understanding being a bottle, or pill.  Now, as I see it, I have to retrain my brain.  I know I can do it, because I’ve done it before.  There are some things that I have to actually practice handling, but about 90% of the time, when I’m in my groove…I just toss it up.   That’s the groove that I’m working on finding again, minus the booze and pills.  I’m thinking it will be easier this time around. I’m writing things down a lot, that REALLY helps.  More so than I ever thought it would.  I’ve always been told to journal, but I have never done it seriously…at least not since I was a child.  I think that’s because if I had started writing, I would have had to face things I was still denying.  Just a guess, but probably pretty damn close.

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So here I sit all broken hearted…no no no…that’s not it. (I am seriously twisted.  🙂   )  I’m not currently broken hearted.  I have been.  I remember that.  And a body can remember too, even if it’s owner pretends they can’t feel.  So I will continue on my little healing journey.  Today was a good day.  I love my Brookie, and my Blake.  I miss my family back in South Carolina something fierce.  I hate being so far away.  And I love my B Bear.  Life is good.

Although, I could stand to win the lottery.  🙂

i can’t do

i can’t get

i can’t talk

i can’t see

i can’t find