This time I win (Steaming pile of cow shit)
I don’t know how many times I’ve been through this in the last five or six years. Up the rollar coaster…feeling like I’m king of the mountain…working hard, going to school, smelling the roses….then I crash into a huge pile of fresh hot steaming cow shit. Judas tits…then I climb back up out of the steaming hot pile of cow shit…get myself put back together, which takes a momentous amount of time because when I say I crash…I do it very well. I start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel…and whammy, I’m there! Yeeeeee haw! Whoopie I’m here! Wait, what? Ok….so back to working hard, smelling the roses and all. Then something happens again, and down I go into a different pile of shit. Deep down inside I know why this has happened. My intuition is pretty good. Or gut feeling, whatever you want to call it. I’ve spent all this time and energy on trying to ignore what causes my glorious swan dives into piles of fresh shit.
But this time is different. I’ve never said THAT before. This time when I climb up out of that shit, I’m going to learn to put my boots on and walk through it, instead of diving head first into it from an abnormally high cosmic altitude of escape. I’m learning new ways to cope with the reasons I take those dives. I already knew what those reasons were…but I kept trying to pretend I was “ok”. No, I’m not “ok”. I’m hurt and traumatized. I’m scared and filled with fear. I live in a world dominated by irrational feelings caused from fear; a world filled with anxiety and panic. Triggers that I should not have to deal with from anyone, at home or at work. Intimidation and abuse is NOT ok, and it will not be tolerated in my life anymore. That fear and anxiety may go away some days, or some days it may not. Either way, there’s going to be new and better ways to handle my life, so that I create a daily way of living that is functional and progressive. That’s been the biggest issue. Not admitting what the traumas are, and that I HAVE been affected by them. Just accepting that fact and getting the right help, has been the biggest and most proactive thing I have done for myself in these last few weeks. I don’t care what you think about why I’ve been gone…or anyone for that matter.
This time is different…this time I win. 🙂