My previous “I’m sorry” post created some type of feelings for my mother.
Published by Shassy on 15 January 2023
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In my previous post I tried to apologize for being an imperfect human, I said that I wasn’t trying to make excuses.
I said that I take responsibility for my actions, but that I was trying to process and express my feeling of being less than stellar during my lifetime.
Mom seemed to feel some sort of way about that post. I received a long text message about it. I’ll share that message:
“Your blog. To all of the people you’ve hurt. Don’t make excuses. Everyone commits themselves to what they believe they unknowingly do in the process hurting others. Those “unknowing” aspects of life come back to haunt…that can happen only when we have a conscience, one of the things you learned you have in the first 5 years of your life. I know, I saw it.
It’s the conscious behavior we commit ourselves to that tells the true story.
We are the love that we give. It’s the only perfection of mankind. When we don’t submerge our lives in understanding others, compassion, loving ourselves enough to broaden our capabilities in order to love others, not doing so produces failure not only to self, but all others.
I’m all too aware of your feelings about me. I go on undaunted. I’ve many years on you and know truths I now know I’ll never be able to impart to you.
Your Grandmother is my Mother. I learned well from her. 74 years of memories and knowledge in the love we shared up to 45 minutes before she was whisked to the hospital.
We had what I don’t think you and I will ever have. You made that clear directly and by inference in your blog. An intentional blog to explain yourself, but did you even for once think you may not have enough knowledge, caring enough to think that lack of knowledge can hurt others in that blog?
You know little to nothing about me and now I know you don’t care enough to know.
I’ve watched you for 74 years. Have experienced much of what you have. Believe in the compassion I’ve expressed to you. It’s real. So are my praises to you.
Try, always try for the best…another of what I learned from MY Mother and have for so long tried.
I’ve been trying and you shut me down in so many ways.
Mom said on several occasions, “When I close the door on someone it will never open again.” That was a profound statement. I saw her do it only once in my life. Her love was too great to condemn anyone if there was a breath of chance things would turn around. I’ve always thought there was a chance with you and me. You need to open the door you’ve closed where I’m concerned because I don’t know what else to do…but keep trying. It’s just that my life forces are growing tired.
I’ll always love you, remembering the good not the detractors about you clearly outlined in your blog.”
I share this because I want to. Being vulnerable is cathartic. There’s a lot of history here that I won’t go into, and very different perspectives on things. And that’s ok. I have my opinions and perspectives and so does Mom, totally ok.
My blog started as a therapy tool, and was “private” for a long time. As I went through therapy, and started figuring things out, I realized that healing doesn’t always come easily. It hurts, and only when we open ourselves up and let all the rotten flesh out, can we start to heal. That’s what I’m doing and will continue to do until I don’t anymore.
When I first got this text, my brain immediately went into fight or flight mode. I did some breath work, stepped away, did com CBT, and decided how I was going to respond. I respect her opinion of my blog, and realize that I’m not going to make everyone happy with what I write about. I’m not trying to make everyone happy. I responded and thanked her for sharing her feelings.
Mom, I’m guessing you’ll read this. Hopefully you’ll understand that this isn’t about you, but about me…as selfish as that sounds, it’s true. It’s about healing the trauma, and learning, taking responsibility and setting boundaries. Being able to live in this skin that I’ve been given and processing.
If it upsets people, then 🤷🏻♀️. Don’t read it or unsubscribe. I’ve committed myself to this and so far it’s working. But one thing I’m done doing, is walking on eggshells. For anyone.
So with that being said, I’ll peace out for the day.
Mental health, trauma, processing, feelings