I was at a meeting today, and I heard someone say that they were trying to decide how to respond to a situation that they had encountered. “Am I a going to be an s.o.b., or act in the spirit of forgiveness”. I mentioned this on my fb page, because it made me think about my life, and how I want to be and how I want to react to things. With this new way of life I have chosen, writing is therapeutic for me, so I am blogging my thoughts and feelings on things. Probably won’t mean much to others, but for me it helps.
I have been going through a lot of “stuff” lately, and haven’t chosen my words very well to express the way I am feeling. I have made a lot of apologies, and asked for forgiveness. I’m kind of a dork when it comes to some things…I don’t “get a clue” very easily, can’t “read between the lines”, and basically just don’t “get it” a lot of times. LOL…I’m good at making a fool of myself, as those who have known me a long time, will tell you. But right now, I am hoping for forgiveness, from a lot. I don’t know if that will happen, and I know that no one is perfect. (The way I believe, the only perfect person died on the cross). So I sit here wondering…do I deserve forgiveness? Some people will choose to take the high road, and simply say that they don’t need “this” or “that” in their lives. Which is good. Boundaries need to be in place to stay healthy. But when do you say, “no, I’m going to work at this, this means something to me, I want to forgive, and be worthy of forgiveness”. Every life situation has to be examined, in my opinion, and given a measure of importance. If someone at the store treats me like sh*t, more than likely I’m going to just blow them off and go on. But if I do something to someone I love, and it bothers them, I’m going to do my best to address it, and make amends…because they mean something to me. They are important, they have high measure in my life, and I want to keep it that way. And then, how about when someone means more to you, than you do to them? How to handle that one?
Life sometimes seems way more complicated then it did a hundred years ago. But I also think that there was a lot more hidden dysfunction, and a lot more hurt that didn’t get addressed as well. Humans have been around for a long freakin time, duh…and it’s pretty easy to understand them, if time is taken to pay attention. I love studying human nature…it helps me to understand “us”.
But back to this forgiveness thing. I’ve come to the conclusion that sometimes I’m just not going to get it. No matter how many times I ask, beg, plead, cry, scream, punch…whatever…(no, I don’t punch people). There are some that are not capable of forgiving, no matter what. In my experience, those are the ones that cannot forgive themselves. That was talked about as well. It’s easy to say, “I forgive myself”. But to actually do it, is another story. I see the growth process in those that are close to me, and I sometimes see myself…a month ago, a year ago, or whenever. I remember feeling the way they do…the hurt, pain, whatever…I can be empathetic to them, if I have experienced it before. I can’t say that I know EXACTLY how someone feels, because we are all different, but I could get close. It’s important to listen to others, to put down the walls so true intimacy can be reached. Whether it’s a friend, enemy, or love of your life.
I’ve gotten off track. As usual. I realized today that to really forgive, means letting go, being open and vulnerable and being able to trust that person again. Interesting notion given the fact that I have spent 42 years numbing pain, and not dealing. It’s time for me to forgive and ask for that forgiveness.
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