Today I let go
I let go
…Took that step in faith, as the other part of my heart said the other day…. I quit trying to force something that’s not there. It’s weird…it’s like I’m going through losing my best friend and my love, again. Although, this time, I feel like I never had that best friend, or love, to begin with. I was simply honest (with myself mostly) with how I felt, and what I could do, and what I needed to do to keep myself healthy. The thing about human nature is that, people do what they want. They act how they want, and react how they want. Unless someone is holding a gun to their head…it’s really always their choice. We are each responsible for our own actions, we can’t blame the weather, our parents, our boss, or our dog…it’s our choice. Period.
Don’t get me wrong….I haven’t given up. I’m just waiting from a little further away now. I’ve simply decided that I cannot give and give, with nothing in return. Because I know how I feel will not change right now, there’s still a chance. But like a flower that doesn’t get water, eventually my feelings will be put into the proper place and I will quit nurturing it. It’s not healthy for me. I can’t do shallow, or what I perceive as shallow. Some things we can not change about ourselves…other things we can.
Today, I have been sober for 67 days. Doesn’t seem like a lot, but for me it is. I can’t remember the last time I was sober for that long…LOL…it seems weird that I never thought of that before. In the past I would have gone to the liquor store during this time in my life…. But now I see it from a different perspective….if I know that what I am doing is making me unhealthy, then I try to stop it, so I don’t allow myself to fall into those old ways of “being”, that would lead me to slip. And really, it’s allowing me to understand the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of love I want to share with someone else. I read somewhere that if two people give 100% with love, then it will overlap, and they will be able to balance each other out when it’s needed. That seems like a great partnership. I am blessed to know some couples like that. I love watching them together…it makes me giddy inside like a little school girl. Yea..Ima dork. 🙂
Anyway…I really miss this person. I can’t turn off the way I feel, but I have to keep it to myself right now. If and when the time ever comes for that 100%/100% sharing to come into my life, I will be ready. I can’t see into the future, but God knows my heart. He’ll take care of me. This I know to be true.
To B Bear…I love you. I wish God’s blessings upon your life, I pray you feel and hear His voice in your heart, and experience the indwelling of love that only He can give you. I pray for safety and guidance for you in everything you do, and because I have faith, I know it is done.
Update: As I’m reading back through these memoirs, I find myself remembering the feelings I had at the time.
Oh, how I have survived. Oh have I let go, of so much.