Struggling with depression, anxiety, symptoms of ptsd, really sucks. The cycle is exhausting.
I’ve talked about this before, but need to talk again, because I am struggling.
This past week has been basically uneventful, with weird sleep cycles, and constant morbid thoughts. Yesterday was a good day though, and I want to mention that I have good moments, and good days. It’s not all bad. It’s just the cycle that I have a hard time with.
For example, I spent Christmas Eve with family, and thoroughly enjoyed it, and it made me feel happy and very blessed. I have the best family, and love seeing and spending time with them. In my silly utopia of a world, we all live in a huge house, on a bunch of land, with our own separate “wings”. But I digress….
On the way home though, I felt it. That dark cloud that is always hovering in the corners, waiting to come out. It arrived this morning the minute I got out of bed. I busied myself taking care of things, making my dogs food, getting my horses food warmed, running a load of laundry, and running the dishwasher. I did all of this before I left the house at 6:30am.
I put myself out in nature because it makes me feel good. But I can’t stay out there right now because I don’t have the right equipment. (I’m working on that). So I got morning chores done and came home and it just sweeps in and overtakes me. I feel like crying. I know there is no reason for this…nothing has happened, it’s not situational. It’s just a cycle.
At my last med evaluation appointment, I spoke with her about medication. I have tried many many medications, and they either don’t work, work, then quit working, or I have an allergic or adverse reaction to them.
She gave me a current script for a med that I had taken years ago, but stopped because it didn’t seem to be doing anything, and I got it filled. But as I was opening the bottle to start taking it, I had a panic attack. I believe this was because this past summer, she prescribed me another medication, I took it, and ended up in the ER, with very high blood pressure, headache, and uncontrollable vomiting. So now I’m just afraid.. afraid to try another pharmaceutical. (That wasn’t the first time I’ve ended up in the ER with a reaction from a medication. I’ve learned to listen closely to what my body says.)
Here I am today, feeling the doom and gloom coming on. My therapist wants me to continue to writing… writing whatever I feel like. Poetry, fiction, journaling, whatever.. she wants me to keep doing it.
So I am.
Thanks for listening. ✌️ And please comment if you struggle as well, and what works for you. For me it’s one day at a time, sometimes one minute at at time.
I also want to say that I’m sharing this to my Twitter account, because I know that I have some followers that struggle as well, and I want them to know that they are not alone. 💜. I will not always share my posts there, because I mostly use it for my poetry. But this one hits home for me.
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