I needed to just “be” today. I’ve been struggling, and it was a beautiful evening, so I just took my shoes off and headed out for a walk.
I knew when I got close to the barn, I’d have some company. CGC, Chapo and Little T came with me for a bit. For some reason Little T has been hiding out in the woods lately. We have two others, Bubbles and Millie, who like to live out in nature a lot. They come in and stay in the cat houses when it’s cold, and are always there for chow time, but they prefer to be out doing cat things.
Come for a walk with me.
I watched them hunt together one day….one stood on the edge of the grass line, and the other pushed out whatever critters they were going after. It was quite interesting actually. Bubbles and Millie are extremely bonded. I did not raise those two, and, well their backstory has some trauma, but I don’t want to go there right now.
I’ve heard many times that putting your feet on the ground, barefoot can really do amazing things for the soul. I firmly believe that. I always feel good when I’m barefoot. Especially if it’s raining. My mind and soul can relax, my anxiety fades, and my mind clears.
Voted Best Portable Power Station by CNET
This is why I’m working so hard to be able to get my vehicle reliable, so I can try to heal my heart, mind and soul from a lifetime of trauma.
I’m not giving up.👊
Here’s a short clip of our walk today. A longer one comes out on Friday on YouTube.
I was reading some facebook posts that I had posted, and one said something like know your enemy, and know which battles to fight, and which to walk away from. (That was paraphrased, but you get the gist.) I have had some interaction with some people through out life and one thing I have noticed is that fear, anger, hurt; all keep people from looking outside the box. I have done that myself….and thankfully for the grace of God, I wasn’t turned away when I finally pulled my head ouf of my ass and listened. One of these people has become one of my best friends. If I had listened to what others had said, we wouldn’t be friends. Luckily this person has a genuine heart and “took me back” after I had been a stupid dumbass.
Judgement isn’t meant for me to do. Ignoring someone who is genuinely trying to just say a prayer…isn’t the issue. That issue is between that person and God. I pray for some people that I would, instead, rather poke a stick in their eye…. but keep doing it. God knows my heart already, so he knows I am doing it because He has told me to, not because it’s going to make whomever I pray for a better person. I know that sounds selfish, but the “doing of the prayers” isn’t up to me, so I’ll leave that to the Boss. What’s up to me is to do what I’m told. Even when it pisses me off. And let me tell you, it does sometimes. My prayers are occasionally loud and angry, but God knows what I mean. I’m not mad at God, and He knows that….and He is patient enough to let me vent….after all, He made me, so He knows how I feel.
There are times when others only want to talk to us, or see us when we seem to fit into their lives.
Our society has conditioned our ever present brains to accept what is put in front of our faces, usually via an electronic device or screen. We post a smiling face, nice house, fancy car, when in reality a lot of our lives are filled with pain, dysfunction and calamity.
Suicide thoughts run rampant among those of us who have had to deal with a lifetime of trauma. Or any trauma. Whether it’s from combat, familial abuse, spousal abuse, or abuse from a stranger. Anything traumatic, that makes a person question their safety, whether it’s emotional, spiritual, mental or physical,WILL CHANGE YOU.
I don’t care what you say. It changes a person. Someone who has experience trauma, will not come out on the other side the same, and a lot of times, they don’t even recognize what’s happening, and have no idea how to deal with it. (Me).
This has been me for the majority of my life. Not knowing what’s wrong, wanting to “fix” it, not understanding why I made horrible choices and decisions, and stumbling through, hiding my pain and ignoring my own emotional well being, thinking that crying, or showing emotion, was considered a weakness.
This year has been a really good year of understanding, self discovery, setting boundaries, forgiveness, mixed in with a range of emotions including extreme anger, heartbreak and acceptance. It’s not a done deal, as life is about change, and since we (me, you) are still here, then the progression will continue.
How much should a person share? Where’s the boundaries? When does it become too much? Or not enough? A lot of people really don’t care when they ask “How ya doin’?” It’s a knee jerk reaction, and honestly, we as humans need to watch our words. I STILL have a hard time with that… thinking that everyone means what they say. They don’t. They are full of shit.
Not every person is an asshole, not every person INTENDS to not mean what they say. But there are people who just provide lip service; they say what they think you want to hear, and walk off. Stay away from those people.
AND, there are genuine, good humans, who say things, then life happens and they, for some reason out of their control, couldn’t follow through, or said something that came out wrong. I’ve done that myself.
We aren’t perfect. Our lives aren’t perfect. We wake up with morning breath, we don’t always shave our legs (haha), we get so depressed that we feel like we would be better off, not alive anymore, or can’t shower, eat, breathe without physical pain. If I posted the 90 bazillion other photos of how I really feel during the day, most days, I’d have someone calling for a welfare check.
I guess I want to normalize being REAL. No, we don’t need to share everything, no one needs to know how many shits you took today… (unless you are in the hospital, or work in the medical field… but that’s another post…lol).
Needing validation is a human necessity, in my opinion, but, it needs to be done in a healthy way, and not filled with falsified “look at my perfect life” Instagram photos, or creating the perfect reel, with the perfect children, skinny perfect wife and hot ripped husband. We need to support each other as humans, perfectly flawed and messed up.
Yes, keep yourself healthy, because we all know that batshit crazy person (people) who’s narcissistic abusive behavior will ruin you. Set your boundaries, and for the love of mud, do not let them move. Flexible, maybe, but have a hard line. That may sound like a bass-ackwards way to describe it, but 🤷🏻♀️.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. (I have crisis in my contacts). Don’t be ashamed of not being what society or people think you should be. It’s not their business.
Also, if you’re an asshole, keep being you boo…you’re not fooling anyone.
So, about 6 or 8 weeks ago I was at work, and suddenly couldn’t breath, had chest pain, dizziness, all of that stuff. The nurse at work sent me to the ER, for which they didn’t do shit. They gave me a breathing treatment–said I wasn’t putting out enough air– filled me full of IV fluids, pain medicine and said I had a migraine and sent me home. Since then I’ve had two more trips to the ER, numerous breathing issues, and subsequently they have found an “abnormality” or “mass” or something in my lung. Blah blah…So the doctor has not released me yet to return to work, which has not been a good thing. During this time I have consistently run a low grade fever…for over two months….my primary care doc has given me a rescue inhaler, which sometimes works, but only for about 30 to 60 minutes. I am now in financial duress and I’m frustrated. I am to the point that I feel like the doc needs to give me whatever medication is needed so that I can function on a daily basis, and get back to work. I really don’t care at this point…I just want to get back to “normal”……whatever that is.
Then one of my furkids was killed as I watched…this set me back to an uncontrollable (for the moment) time where I questioned EVERYTHING. I almost fell off the wagon in a big way, but I did not. Thank you to a close friend who has 11 years sobriety…he was my support at that time, and I know not how to repay him. I am very blessed to have many people in my life that I consider part of my support network. The pain I feel with the loss of my Skeeter girl is beyond anything I ever want to experience…but it is what it is. Thus I am learning to deal with it. I find that just accepting some things in my life, is harder now that I am not numbing it all with booze or pills. It has not been easy. Also, a few months ago, I moved from a house that I was renting, into a motel. The landlord at the time would show up unannounced, and at one point parked in my driveway, sat there and then left. I was freaked out and concerned, so I moved. Pissed him off, but oh well. He had it rented within a week. After moving into the motel, one of my wonderful co-workers let me rent their new RV…so I moved out of the motel and into it. It is home for now until I can find something I am comfortable with…or win the lottery.
I was in a meeting today (yesterday since I am finishing this post a day later) and someone said something about having patience. As I thought about that, I relayed it to my life…and as I am always trying to be better, do better, and accept…Acceptance and patience is not always easy for me. I think things should be better, and that I should do better and be a better person. That is not a bad thing, except for….when I have not accepted what I have been ignoring (duh). I’m not a nut job….(no comments from the peanut gallery) but I have come to realize in the past few weeks, that I have been trying to ignore some facts about my life. I try my best to be positive, and always find the good things in every situation…it may take me a while, but I try very hard to do that.
A few years ago I got diagnosed with PTSD, and anxiety disorder from a stalking and home invasion. I have seen a therapist over the years, off and on, to help learn to deal with the affects of that trauma. It wasn’t until just recently that I realized that I wasn’t dealing with it at all. I was trying to pretend that I was fine, and that I needed to be stronger and that I “understood” it all. I do understand it…it’s just that I haven’t been dealing with it. I think that fact hit home the other day when I was sitting watching TV and had a flashback of my car wreck (which I have never had before, and was experiencing the wreck for which I have no memory…weird…it was like I was experiencing it for the first time… yea it sucked), and then a nightmare of the home invasion (which I also have never had before).
There are things going on that are going to come to the surface whether I like it or not. I have refused to accept the level to which I am flawed and that I may need to spend time learning to deal with what I haven’t…haven’t I already made up my mind to do that??? I keep saying the word “accept”…for a reason…I have been changed since 2008. I have perceived those changes as weakness’ and therefore have not faced them. Feeling that those changes equate to weakness; I have denied myself a chance to be real. Something that I really want to be.
I heard something today about anger. I don’t know if I’ll relay it the right way, but I’ll try. Anger and rage are just an outward expression of hurt on some level…(yea we knew that), and that when it is allowed to take control, it’s just a form of defense to keep someone or something away, so we don’t get hurt. I know that’s not how it was stated to me, but you get the gist of what I’m saying. I pretty much knew this, but something happened a few weeks ago and this statement made me think about that incident. It also makes me think about myself and how I react and for what reasons I carry anger inside. I do carry some…mostly at myself for mistakes I’ve made that I am still in the process of forgiving myself for. That’s another acceptance thing that I’m working on…accepting that it happened, I made mistakes, and I need to forgive myself and let it go. Some days I’m good…others, I struggle. Being alone, for me, makes it harder sometimes. Not always, but some.
I have this rustic wooden sign in my place that says “I’m a stable girl”. Because I’ve ridden and trained horses most of my life…it fits. But it was given to me by a close friend and she said…”it’s a double meaning for you”…yea…I think I am fairly stable…in that fact that I am always trying to look at things from different points of view and perspectives. I have screwed up…a shitload of times…and I will in the future. I’m human, it happens. But I think it’s important to be able to say that I’m wrong, or sorry, or be able to stop an inflow of unhealthy emotion so it doesn’t take control and cause me to do stupid things. (Which I have done…heartache has made me really stupid sometimes). It’s also important for me to take my happiness from good and wholesome things…which for me are doing things outside, watching the stars, talking with friends, painting my puppy’s toenails, riding horses, gardening….just stopping to smell the flowers…slowing down at life. Those things we all talk about. God gave us all wonderful things to increase our happiness and to enjoy, and I plan on doing it.
What I see today in myself…what I HAVE accepted…is that I am a person who is full of love, passion, simpleness and complicated at the same time, and a zest for life. I can see the beautiful things in this world that God has given us to use to have happiness. I don’t need any one person to make me happy, though I want to share that happiness with someone if it’s meant to be. I see me as a person who must, beyond a shadow of a doubt, realize that I am a human being that needs to be nurtured and I must accept who and what I am to this day. Flaws and all. I am a work in progress…and I think that is a lifelong thing that happens…I don’t think we “reach” a place where we know everything, have experienced everything that life has to offer. Life is about change and growth. I want to be open enough to know that I must always work and recognize that there is no “typical” where I am concerned. And that’s OK. We are all individuals and I really believe in my heart that one of the reasons we are here, is to help each other. I would love to share life with someone…but that is not up to me. It’s exciting to think of all the things that await…I will keep my mind, heart and body open to what lies ahead.
I need Coffee and my #1 DOG (from the archives 11-18-2021
Coffee. And if I am being honest, I really need a dedicated writing space…sitting here on my couch with my feet on the “coffee” table is ok for now, but knowing me, I’ll get antsy, and move to the bed.. lol…. Anyway, not that that is a big deal, whatever works, right? Oh, and the coffee is DECAFFEINATED. WTF is wrong with me…
Continuing on with the therapy mode of this blog…recently I’ve been struggling.. flashbacks, anxiety, little sleep…I guess I don’t sleep more than four hours a night anyway, but yea. I’m sure within this blog, there’s another blog about this same thing. Yes, I have a pill for anxiety, but I don’t like taking it because it knocks me out. I want to be present with this life, my life. If I live to be 90, I’ve already lived half of my life… and to some, I have nothing to show for it. To some… lets get into that. I have felt, for the majority of my adult life, that I have not been good enough, that I have failed, that I have made wrong decisions (which I have learned that I have). But… this feeling of being judged, of guilt, of shame. When is enough enough? How do I get past this? I felt like I was never doing good enough… blah blah. I’m sure my shrink will have an answer for me, after she digs it out of my own head. It goes back to this thing or that thing that happened during this or that time of my life. The only thing I’m good at now is putting up walls.
I’ve written some about my mother. Just to clarify, right now, I do not dislike or hate my mother. I love her as a human being, and as a person who is flawed like the rest of us. There are some things that I have come to the realization of, where she is concerned, and that is ok, it’s my progression and way of processing. This memoir is mine, and is in no way meant to put pad vibes or negative juju on her, or anyone for that matter. I say, and tell people, that if you don’t like what you read, then just move on. Easy peasy.
I’ve recently, joined Twitter. Well, I joined back in March, but didn’t really do anything until recently. Flakebook is irritating, so I deactivated for the time being. I want to finish the book I’ve been writing, for what seems to be a zillion years, and needed some support, I guess. There is a great community of writers there. :-).
Right now I feel scared, about what I’m not sure. This time of year can be a bumpy ride sometimes. I look at the D.O.G. who has saved me so many times, snoring on the other end of the couch, and wish I could just sleep like she does. She’s been washed for many years, of PA work, due to being attacked by another dog, and just plain being too stressed to work in the public anymore, but she still very much tasks for me at home. She alerts to things before I know what’s going on, and I am, on the daily, still amazed by what she “knows”. So what if she can’t do PA work anymore… I can’t function most of the time in public, so I have to understand that she is a living, breathing, feeling, soul… one who has flaws just like I do.
Depression sucks. It’s all consuming sometimes and it makes me feel like I’m in a dark hole , trying to claw my way out.
I do my coping skills that my therapist and I discuss. I think about all the blessings I have in my life. My kids, my grandbaby, my animals. I sit outside and get fresh air, sunlight, nourishment from the earth. I don’t drink like I used to…that only made things worse. I take my medication like I’m supposed to.
So why am I still consumed with this bullshit? I become paralyzed with fear…for what reason? My logical mind tells me there’s no reason to be fearful. But my irrational mind says to be on guard, aware..keep looking over your shoulder. “Be careful” it says. “There’s always something out there to get you”.
Lets talk about depression for a minute. Or lets let me talk to my dogs about depression, since there isn’t anyone here.
This sucks. This makes me feel hopeless and desolate. I simply have to keep on living. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Somewhere. Or is that my journey? Always looking for the light and never finding it. It fucking pisses me off to feel this way I hate it. I want to will it to be gone. Period.
I have a faith, and am praying and I know that God is hearing these prayers. It’s been proven. I have to get my head out of this web of dust and dirt. But it just seems to creep back in and pounce when I’m not expecting it. This shit is real. Real fucked up.
And it makes me angry. Obviously.
Maybe I’ll look into getting a heavy bag. Something I can kick and punch. Get the pent up energy out…maybe I’ll lose some fat while I’m at it.
Jump, skip,. I rearranged my bedroom. Maybe I can get some better vibes with everything facing different directions now. PPPAAAHAHAHHH!!!!! Who am I kidding. You can’t feng scchhhwaaaayyy anything around here.
My brain fog is fogging things up. Can’t keep a straight thought or make a clean sentence without saying fuck, or shit. Fuckshit.