Tag Archives: Coping skills

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So, what now. Up all night, tired, cranky, 0 motivation, on a scale of 0-10. 10 being the bestest ever in life. (Yes, I’m being a crybabysissybedwetter…I’ll get over it).

adult alone autumn brick

I’m in the cycle where I’m not sleeping normal… then I’m tired during the day. Random anxiety attacks, and over all not wanting to deal with anything social or human.

So what. I’m sure there’s others out there going through the same thing. It’ll pass.

Plus, I binge eat. It’s something that’s just sort of manifested that last couple of years. I’ve been working really hard to not do that…my labs came back good, except my LDL was 111. Last lab I took, it was 87.

I can’t explain this binge eating, and it’s only with sweet stuff…over the last few weeks, I’ve done ok at not reaching for that unhealthy coping skill, but last night I fell off the wagon and ate chocolate fudge cake mix. Yea, just the mix. Well, mixed with some warm butter and water. That sounds disgusting now as I think about it, and it’s made my sick today, because it’s too much processed food, sugar and all of the things that my body isn’t used to anymore.

So, what now. Up all night, tired, cranky, 0 motivation, on a scale of 0-10. 10 being the bestest ever in life. (Yes, I’m being a crybabysissybedwetter…I’ll get over it).

I’ve got to get this in check. I’ve lost 14 pounds so far, and I don’t want to screw it up by getting back on the sugar shack train. Eating chocolate fudge cake batter is just stupid.

I have a body image issue, body dysmorphia is what it’s called I think. I’ve had it my whole life, but never understood it until a few years ago. I won’t go into the details, but you can read about it here.

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I feel guilty..which is an important note. Back in the day when I would drink a lot to cope, a lot of times because of the situation, the next day I would wake up and feel like I had committed the seven deadly sins. I felt so much guilt for how I acted while under the influence. The stupid things I did, the times that only the good Lord above saved me, when I should have been taking a dirt nap.

The guilt is a symptom of another symptom. Addiction. I’m an addict. If I’m not careful, my go-to “drug of choice”, can and does change. Recently it’s been sweets and sugar. I’ve just transferred my addiction…to something else. I’m not drinking, abusing medication, doing illegal drugs…but I am acting like an addict.

Maybe one or two bites of the cake batter would have been fine…but my brain goes haywire and I over do it, and binge. The next day I feel like shit, and guilty, as the spiral starts.

This is what happens when I don’t keep an eye on my mental health. I mean I’m trying to do “the things”, and stay active, but addiction is a sneaky little bastard, and sometimes I fail.

I don’t know right now if there was a trigger, or if it’s the moon cycle, or if I’m just going through it again. What I do know is that my body CAN NOT handle the binge. I know this.

Jamaican Blue Mountain “The Java of Kings”
Up all night
Photo by Martin de Arriba on Pexels.com

This is my favorite coffee, btw.

Ok, so I had to add in my favorite coffee as of right now. I can’t believe how great it is. There’s a video of me somewhere doing an unboxing…I’ll try to find it to add to this post. Not that that will make you want to buy some, but you should. It’s roasted in America, shipped and packaged by a small company, and I just love it.

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So, I’m doing what my shrink told me to, write about how I’m feeling and learn to be vulnerable. This is difficult sometimes. I don’t want to admit that I still struggle with addiction. But I do. Time to reset and forgive myself. I am worth it. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

Thanks for coming to my ramblings.

✌️

Shassy

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Being alone forces me to step into my fears.

cirrus clouds

Being alone forces me to step into my fears.

I am still testing, adjusting, and building out my #jeepminicamper. The other night I was parked away from any building, in a nook surrounded by some small trees to try to get out of the wind.

It was about 10-ish, and I rolled down the window and was just looking around. I had gotten out earlier, and just stood there and listened. All I heard was the wind.

As I was looking around a giant panic attack came over me. Why? Who knows… I found no trigger. But I stood there and realized that other than my dog, I was alone. (Within touching distance). For some reason this hit me, and the panic attack got worse.

I don’t quite understand…I’m “alone” all of the time. I don’t socialize, other than phone calls and social media. I don’t go out to events, and I’m totally ok with that. I understand that I have issues, lol, but I’m slowly understanding that even though I do my best to manage symptoms, my brain still defaults to “time to freak out” mode.

Nature is my happy place. I don’t care if it’s dark, light, hot or cold… when I’m in nature I feel my best. So when this happened, I was caught off guard, because, obviously I was out in nature.

I’m serious…the general “fear”….my brain went off the chain…my thoughts were so irrational, like “what if there’s a mountain lion out in the trees”, to “there could be a person hiding somewhere”. WTF. Seriously?

Here’s what I caught on my phone. I set it up and left it until what was left of my battery died. No edits, these are the colors it captured. Simply beautiful.

I have a big mouth dog that hears stuff way before I do. Who protects me and loves nature and being outdoors. (Except when it’s too cold or too hot….she’s a couch dog.) She’s smart. If there were a boogie man or boogie mountain lion, she would have smelled it way before I had even exited the car. This is what I had to tell myself. I had to put myself back in the present, instead of in the twilight zone, and calm my ass down.

Being alone forces me to step into my fears.
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I’ve never had that happen when I’m camping/hiking etc. Never had an out of the blue panic attack. But as I go on this journey, of “all of this”, I’m learning that the brain is tricky. There could have been something that triggered a repressed memory, and caused the switch to flip in the ole’ noggin. That’s the only thing I can come up with at this point. Fortunately, it didn’t last very long, as I went through coping skills, and looked up at the night sky and realized how calming it really is.

So in a round about way, nature brought me back and told me I was ok. That’s the way I see it anyhow.

So now we are testing the boundaries of newly found, long buried fears. Fear has always been a huge debilitating weakness for me. Ever since I was a small child. I would think something was happening and literally freeze with fear. One instance, I was living with my grandparents, and I was upstairs going to the bathroom, and I froze with fear, thinking there was something on my back. I kept whispering “Grandma!”, and somehow her radar ears heard my whispers, and she came upstairs. I told her there was something on my back, and she looked and found nothing, and she settled me back in bed.

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Fear is paralyzing, and if I feel it coming on, I fight hard to stand against it. Literally, I can channel my fear into fight or protection in a nano second. Which is good in some cases…others not so much. If that transition of fear into fight, happens to be coupled with my very slowly growing anger….then I warn people and try my very best to walk away.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is that I’ve learned something new about mental illness, mine in particular.

Growth takes time, and I have to continue to be open when new things like this happen, so I don’t take 10 steps backwards, and fall into the valley of despair.

If you are going through something similar, I feel you. You are not alone.

Peace out from Daenerys… the #jeepminicamper

✌️

Shassy

Being alone
The view of the moon from Daenerys, the #jeepminicamper
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Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization. My response: nothing, it causes me anxiety.

Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization…

I told them nothing, it causes me anxiety.

My biggest, newest tool I’ve added to my toolbox is staying in my #jeepminicamper out in nature. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m getting there. It’s working the best thus far.

I do still use my other coping skills… 4-7-8 breathing, snapping a rubber band, safe place, finding five things in my present that I can either see, feel, hear that helps ground me when I’m in full out flashback or panic attack mode.

I don’t always know when symptoms are going to happen. I can’t always identify the triggers.

In worst case scenario, my therapist and I have a set protocol that I follow.

Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization. My response: nothing, it causes me anxiety.

I do all my coping skills, and if that doesn’t work, I call crisis, and if that doesn’t work, I check myself into the hospital. That has happened five times.

But I started this conversion of my jeep, and it’s helped to focus on a task, and it allows me to do what is the most functional for treating symptoms, at this moment. The thing that I’ve learned that is most important for me, is to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes on second at a time.

Someone asked me what I do for socialization
Portable mini wood cook stove

I still have a few more things to do to finish, but I’m getting there. Like purchase this mini wood stove… love it.

Here’s a quick video of a work day… can’t get any better.

My goal with building this is to also be able to share the process, and help others. I plan to be on the road for trips later this summer. Still have a few more things to add… but I’ll get there.

This has been such a learning experience. I had no idea what I was doing when I started considering this. But I watched a lot of videos, asked a lot of questions, and have made a lot of mistakes.

As I’ve been staying in it, I tweak this or that. I still have to make the window coverings, but until then the huge amount of heat was just escaping through the windows…so, I just hung up some small throw blankets, and it’s made a huge difference. Right now I am close to electricity, until I get everything finished. I have put a little heater in the vehicle because it’s got down to the 20’s and 30’s at night. I have a good sleeping bag and Zoey has her bed, and we snuggle up under the sleeping bag and stay warm. I actually think that my sleep has been better. I’m still working on the bed….I put down some memory foam (full sized folded three times), and that has made a huge difference. I’ll keep working on it until it’s just the way I want it, but right now it’s perfect.

So this is the reason…I’m not 28 anymore, I’m not using alcohol or other unhealthy coping skills, I’m developing more coping skills, that are bringing me peace.

Life is weird, and I believe everything happens for a reason. Whatever the reason, it is time for me to do this, and other than making my back sore now and then, it’s working.

Don’t be afraid to try new things…You may surprise yourself.

✌️

Shassy

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My favorite view.
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My Mudbug

My Mudbug

Sadie has ALWAYS been a Mudbug. She waits until the mud gets that super tacky sticky consistency, and then takes a huge roll.

She knows that I will always give her a good brushing, which is why she probably does it, on top of the fact that—who doesn’t love a good clean mud bath?

I know I do…I say that literally. We have some “clean” mud at the ranch, with no horse poop in it, and when it rains a lot, there’s nothing better than sticking my feet in the mud and smushing it all around in between my toes.

Maybe I’m weird, but that’s ok. I’ll embrace that weirdness.

I’ve run through the west pasture during a thunderstorm in my bare feet and a tank top, just letting the rain wash over my body. (And hoping I don’t get struck by lightning…ha…obviously I didn’t because I’m here writing this post.)

I say this about mud to direct to a more serious subject. I previously posted about what it was like to live with mental health diagnoses and how I cope.

Well, this is one of my coping skills, more so in the summer..clearly, because even though I’m not in my right mind (insert large amounts of sarcasm here) I’m not going to stick my feet in the mud when it’s 20 degrees outside. Though I have walked out into the garage barefoot when it’s cold, and I will tell you it takes everything off of your mind….lol…but it’s not my favorite thing to do.

This morning when I went out to do chores, I was feeling anxious. But the minute I stepped out of the car to get started, I breathed in the fresh air, and took a look around at the nature, the quiet, and the peacefulness. My anxiety quieted in my mind and body. The cats all greeted me, and I felt “home”.

I got everyone fed, and was headed back out, and stopped where I feed the corn to the deer. We have one momma that has a hitch in her git-a-long, and I called to them to let them know breaksfast was served.

As I pulled out of the driveway, I got a notification from one of the security cameras.. and there she was, chomping down her breaksfast. I have a special place in my heart for her. 💜

The earth is healing. Animals are healing. Nature is healing. This may sound like a weird question, but have you ever smelled clean, fresh dirt? I know I know, “clean” dirt… but there is such a thing. The smell is wonderful….it’s raw and unadulterated. It heals my soul on those hard days.

So, I’m just suggesting…if you’re having a bad day, and need to try something different……

Go find some mud.

✌️

Shassy

Here’s my girl on one of her spa days.

My MudBug