I needed to just “be” today. I’ve been struggling, and it was a beautiful evening, so I just took my shoes off and headed out for a walk.
I knew when I got close to the barn, I’d have some company. CGC, Chapo and Little T came with me for a bit. For some reason Little T has been hiding out in the woods lately. We have two others, Bubbles and Millie, who like to live out in nature a lot. They come in and stay in the cat houses when it’s cold, and are always there for chow time, but they prefer to be out doing cat things.
Come for a walk with me.
I watched them hunt together one day….one stood on the edge of the grass line, and the other pushed out whatever critters they were going after. It was quite interesting actually. Bubbles and Millie are extremely bonded. I did not raise those two, and, well their backstory has some trauma, but I don’t want to go there right now.
I’ve heard many times that putting your feet on the ground, barefoot can really do amazing things for the soul. I firmly believe that. I always feel good when I’m barefoot. Especially if it’s raining. My mind and soul can relax, my anxiety fades, and my mind clears.
Voted Best Portable Power Station by CNET
This is why I’m working so hard to be able to get my vehicle reliable, so I can try to heal my heart, mind and soul from a lifetime of trauma.
I’m not giving up.👊
Here’s a short clip of our walk today. A longer one comes out on Friday on YouTube.
I was reading in this little NIV bible I got at a youth rodeo a couple summers ago–this morning–and the commentary from James Gholson was that sometime during his life, he got a little “broncy”. I chuckled because I’ve been there…except I would call myself A LOT “broncy”. No matter what I did, I wasn’t going to listen to God and I was buckin….ears back, kickin and stomping …. the whole way. If you have ever seen a horse do that, you know what I mean.
Recently I have been off work on short term disability, and yesterday was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve been seeing a medical doc, therapist, a psychiatrist, and now a rheumatologist. He explained a lot of what’s been going on with my body. Which hasn’t been cooperating for the last five years, at least. I have been suffering the effects of ptsd and panic disorder quite a bit recently, and with the help of my therapist, I am realizing that I have not dealt with the rape, break-in and abuse. Duh. Go figure. Me not deal?? LOL.
A little “broncy”
Yesterday I made a decision that I’m going to spend the rest of whatever years I have left, managing myself mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically…in a much better manner. I think as life moves forward, we say that a lot. “I’m going to do better, I’m going to not to this or not do that. I’m going to …” you fill in the blank. I am guilty of that. But I believe that life is that way, so we can grow, which seems like common sense, and in hind sight, it is. My rheumatologist told me to do whatever type of exercise I can handle and that I enjoy. Well, I hate going to the gym…it’s boring. But I love to train and ride horses. And that’s ok for me to do. I am very thankful and blessed to have a friend that is letting me train her rescue colt, and ride him. I pay for it, physically, but the pain is worth the pleasure and the wholeness that it gives my soul. I know God is working in my life….which is weird. I have known that God HAS worked in my life, but I consciously feel like I can see it at the present time. I feel like a dork…because I should have “seen” it before. I’m stubborn though…
I may not have a lot of money, I may not drive the newest vehicle, or live in the big fancy house, but that doesn’t matter. When I go, I can’t take all those things with me. I’m finding that comfort zone…some may not agree on how I handle that zone, but that’s not their decision, nor is it their business. Some will and are judging me, but again…go ahead. Like I’ve said before…if you have nothing better to do than talk about me or judge my life, then go ahead…and here….let me give you something else to talk about….…
I am feeling very blessed and grateful right now.
This is a repost from 2013. I vaguely remember this time. I have since had the RA diagnosis removed, and they added fibromyalgia, osteopenia, and spinal stenosis. The latter being within the last month. Kinda sucky if you ask me, and I’m not dealing with it well.
I re-read my own blog because it started as a therapy tool, and it’s important to see how far I’ve come, how far I fall, and how far I pull myself back up again.
The things I wish I knew when I was younger, parenting with unknown and undealt with trauma. The amazing love for my babies.
Stop. Just stop what your doing and sit in nature. Bring in close those you love.
Talk more about feelings and emotions, if that doesn’t come easy, find a way. Write, sing, draw, whatever… learn to handle them.
Throw away the preconceived notions of what the “rules” are when you have babies. If it feels right to snuggle them after breast feeding, (or bottle feeding) then do it. If it feels right to co-sleep, then do it. Carry your baby on your body in one of those baby slings…. They grow up too fast, you’ll miss those moments later.
Teach your children to respect and mind… forget all this crap of sparing the rod, and “oh, but what if it hurts their feelings?”
Life is going to hurt their feelings, it’s our responsibility as parents to teach them to not get steam rolled by it. Ingraining a sense of respect for fellow humans, earth and animals should be taught…we may live on this planet, but it’s also our responsibility to act like we like it and we should take care of it.
Punish when necessary. Loving discipline is an absolute necessity. It’s not abuse, it’s teaching young what the rules of life are.
You may think this a bad comparison, but I don’t care. Animals in the wild scold and reprimand their young… watch a pack of coyotes, or horses, or primates… we are humans and we have dominion over the earth, and we must act as stewards. Teaching our own offspring not to be little shits, should be one of the most important things a parent does.
I know there are some people that are just rotten, and no amount of discipline is going to change them. I believe that there are elements in place that we cannot see, playing a part, influencing and trying to cause havoc. (Think spiritual warfare if you are a Christian/believer in a higher power.)
What a child learns and is exposed to up until the age of five to eight, will stick with them the rest of their lives. No matter what.
We as parents need to do better. We need to be stronger for our children, but also make sure they KNOW they are loved and teach them the ways to be.
Right from wrong, not if it feels good then do it. Teach them that it’s ok to not win, or not get a prize, because that’s going happen when they grow up, and if they can’t handle it, then we have an adult child with no way to deal with life.
Life. Would you say it has ups and downs? That it’s always perfect? Of course not, life is constantly changing. It ebbs and flows.
If we were fortunate enough to have parents that instilled in us some way to deal, we were lucky.
If we had any trauma during life, then we developed a way to cope. Be it good or bad.
Psychology will say it’s this or that, or this imbalance, or that chemical reaction in the brain that develops to allow the person to live. Those things are all true.
But I see today so many people just plain not giving a fuck, or thinking that “life will teach them”. Yea, life will. But with no support from home, and no belief system, no set parameters…. It makes everything that much harder.
I made many mistakes while I was a young parent, as we all do. Because I don’t know of any baby born with a personalized instruction manual.
But I did my best with what I had. When I felt like I screwed up, I apologized. Unbeknownst to me, I had undiagnosed traumas, and felt some days I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
But my kids knew I had their backs. I told them I loved them. I sucked at homework, because I didn’t even understand it. I could go on and on about all the things I felt I did wrong, but I won’t.
Because my kids are awesome. They both graduated college, they both have good jobs, and are on their own life journey. They are growing into their own, forging their path, and it’s wonderful.
But ya know what? They got disciplined as children, they were given choices and outcomes for their decisions. And yes, I spanked my kids. Didn’t have to do it very often, because they learned that was a consequence that they didn’t like, and if they made a different choice… it wouldn’t happen. I also restricted things they enjoyed if needed. I tried to make the punishment fit the crime. I hope I did ok. I think so… they may say different, but I think that’s the nature of parenting.
We are still on the parent/offspring journey. Parenting doesn’t end when they move out. They are adults now and I must respect their decisions for their lives… though sometimes it’s hard to sit back and just watch them learn on their own, without opening my big mouth and giving unasked for advice. (Which I’m good at). 🙄
All in all, I felt I was tough with my kids, but they also stayed out of jail, and respected authority… with a little rebellion thrown in now and then, because that’s just what happens. They may have a different perspective on that too, and that’s ok. Now and then they’ll tell me stories of things they did that I didn’t know about…. Lol… or so they think. 😉
And now… it’s gone. My cherished babies grew up in a blink. Literally. I think back and sometimes just sit there wondering how all these years went by so fast. I remember telling myself when I was younger to grasp onto these moments because they’ll be gone in a blink… and as life always does, it’s taught me that it really does flash by.
We are but a blip in the matrix of time.
So stop and show your children the flower, or cool looking bug. Walk with them and teach them to relax, because life will pressure them. They need to learn to release. And for goodness sake, get that electronic device out from in front of their face. 🤦🏻♀️
I remember one instance when I was going through the divorce from my son’s father. My son was struggling with emotions his little mind and body didn’t know how to process. He was acting out and I told him to go to his room until he could get calmed down and not throw a fit. So he did.
I stood outside his door and cried as I listened to him throw his toys and cry out in frustration. I gave him some time and when he quieted I knocked on his door. He was whimpering, and I asked him if he was ok, and this little person answered me back and said…
“Mommy I just feel like I need a hug”.
So opened his door and gave him that hug.
He didn’t know how to process, so I let him feel it and work through it, and helped him when he asked.
Also it broke my heart to have to let him learn. Just broke it in two.
I watched my daughter go through sumiliar emotional experiences, and it was just as absolutely heartbreaking as well… she was more like me, introverted, hated having her picture taken… didn’t know how to just “talk”… (at least with me) like me…and when she got to be a teenager, did not want to talk about anything with me. But that was ok, just hard. I’m sure I wasn’t the easiest person to talk to either. I know I wasn’t.
I remember holding her as a baby while she was working through a crying spell. I told her that I was sorry she was feeling bad, and my little baby girl laid in my arms and just cried for a while. Then she stopped. I just stared at her. She was so perfect to me. So so perfect. My little baby person in my arms felt so right.
I also apologized to her for failing her and not giving her a mom and dad who stayed together. At the time I didn’t know what else to do, so I just said that I was sorry. (Again, I didn’t even know what was wrong with me, but I knew my baby was the most important thing).
I didn’t know how much a person could love so much and be so instinctively protective, until I birthed my children. Motherhood is amazing. Regardless if you give birth, or adopt. It’s one of the most precious gifts God has given us… though I could have dealt with no labor pains… but that’s another blog post for another time. 😁
Say I love you, give that hug, talk those talks, teach those rights from wrongs. Let them play in the dirt and run around in the mud puddles. Teach them respect for other living creatures, and where the air we breathe comes from. (Wonder that?… think about it for a minute). Give them that hug, and take those mental pictures of your babies, and seal them tight within your heart. You’ll want them later. Swat that butt, take those car keys, wash that mouth out with soap. (Yes I did that… except it was a dab of soap, not a bubbled mouth full…lol).
They may hate you for it at the time, but they’ll also not forget who had their backs.
If you don’t know the ways, then reach out for help to find them. You made your kids, right? Take that seriously. There’s lots of help out there if you just ask.
I love you Bean and Woubee. You are the absolute best thing I’ve ever done.
✌️and Love,
Mom (Shassy)
My Girl and commercial dog food. I’ll only feed this.
I was reading some facebook posts that I had posted, and one said something like know your enemy, and know which battles to fight, and which to walk away from. (That was paraphrased, but you get the gist.) I have had some interaction with some people through out life and one thing I have noticed is that fear, anger, hurt; all keep people from looking outside the box. I have done that myself….and thankfully for the grace of God, I wasn’t turned away when I finally pulled my head ouf of my ass and listened. One of these people has become one of my best friends. If I had listened to what others had said, we wouldn’t be friends. Luckily this person has a genuine heart and “took me back” after I had been a stupid dumbass.
Judgement isn’t meant for me to do. Ignoring someone who is genuinely trying to just say a prayer…isn’t the issue. That issue is between that person and God. I pray for some people that I would, instead, rather poke a stick in their eye…. but keep doing it. God knows my heart already, so he knows I am doing it because He has told me to, not because it’s going to make whomever I pray for a better person. I know that sounds selfish, but the “doing of the prayers” isn’t up to me, so I’ll leave that to the Boss. What’s up to me is to do what I’m told. Even when it pisses me off. And let me tell you, it does sometimes. My prayers are occasionally loud and angry, but God knows what I mean. I’m not mad at God, and He knows that….and He is patient enough to let me vent….after all, He made me, so He knows how I feel.
Finding my peace again, day #2 Day two of calming myself the fuck down. Spent another night in the jeep mini camper. I’m consciously verbalizing “slow down, keep your face out of your screens all day, read your book, stare outside and just breath and listen to the birds, and nature. Last night was better […]
I’ve taken a week off. I had an epiphany last night, and realized that I have forgotten how to relax. I know if you follow me, you might think that wouldn’t be an issue, especially if you watch any of my YouTube videos. But as I was camping last night, I found myself fidgeting, not […]
Most of the time during a crisis, I absolutely can’t think straight, and I make decisions when I shouldn’t, when I’m “intoxicated” with a certain emotion. At the time of beginning this post, I was REALLY sad, right now, I’m just tired, and sort of numb. The sadness isn’t as overwhelming, and I was able to see through the fog, and realize for a split second that “this too shall pass”.
#emotions
#processing
#mentalhealth
#don’tgiveup
#advocate
There are times when others only want to talk to us, or see us when we seem to fit into their lives.
Our society has conditioned our ever present brains to accept what is put in front of our faces, usually via an electronic device or screen. We post a smiling face, nice house, fancy car, when in reality a lot of our lives are filled with pain, dysfunction and calamity.
Suicide thoughts run rampant among those of us who have had to deal with a lifetime of trauma. Or any trauma. Whether it’s from combat, familial abuse, spousal abuse, or abuse from a stranger. Anything traumatic, that makes a person question their safety, whether it’s emotional, spiritual, mental or physical,WILL CHANGE YOU.
I don’t care what you say. It changes a person. Someone who has experience trauma, will not come out on the other side the same, and a lot of times, they don’t even recognize what’s happening, and have no idea how to deal with it. (Me).
This has been me for the majority of my life. Not knowing what’s wrong, wanting to “fix” it, not understanding why I made horrible choices and decisions, and stumbling through, hiding my pain and ignoring my own emotional well being, thinking that crying, or showing emotion, was considered a weakness.
This year has been a really good year of understanding, self discovery, setting boundaries, forgiveness, mixed in with a range of emotions including extreme anger, heartbreak and acceptance. It’s not a done deal, as life is about change, and since we (me, you) are still here, then the progression will continue.
How much should a person share? Where’s the boundaries? When does it become too much? Or not enough? A lot of people really don’t care when they ask “How ya doin’?” It’s a knee jerk reaction, and honestly, we as humans need to watch our words. I STILL have a hard time with that… thinking that everyone means what they say. They don’t. They are full of shit.
Not every person is an asshole, not every person INTENDS to not mean what they say. But there are people who just provide lip service; they say what they think you want to hear, and walk off. Stay away from those people.
AND, there are genuine, good humans, who say things, then life happens and they, for some reason out of their control, couldn’t follow through, or said something that came out wrong. I’ve done that myself.
We aren’t perfect. Our lives aren’t perfect. We wake up with morning breath, we don’t always shave our legs (haha), we get so depressed that we feel like we would be better off, not alive anymore, or can’t shower, eat, breathe without physical pain. If I posted the 90 bazillion other photos of how I really feel during the day, most days, I’d have someone calling for a welfare check.
I guess I want to normalize being REAL. No, we don’t need to share everything, no one needs to know how many shits you took today… (unless you are in the hospital, or work in the medical field… but that’s another post…lol).
Needing validation is a human necessity, in my opinion, but, it needs to be done in a healthy way, and not filled with falsified “look at my perfect life” Instagram photos, or creating the perfect reel, with the perfect children, skinny perfect wife and hot ripped husband. We need to support each other as humans, perfectly flawed and messed up.
Yes, keep yourself healthy, because we all know that batshit crazy person (people) who’s narcissistic abusive behavior will ruin you. Set your boundaries, and for the love of mud, do not let them move. Flexible, maybe, but have a hard line. That may sound like a bass-ackwards way to describe it, but 🤷🏻♀️.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. (I have crisis in my contacts). Don’t be ashamed of not being what society or people think you should be. It’s not their business.
Also, if you’re an asshole, keep being you boo…you’re not fooling anyone.
I need Coffee and my #1 DOG (from the archives 11-18-2021
Coffee. And if I am being honest, I really need a dedicated writing space…sitting here on my couch with my feet on the “coffee” table is ok for now, but knowing me, I’ll get antsy, and move to the bed.. lol…. Anyway, not that that is a big deal, whatever works, right? Oh, and the coffee is DECAFFEINATED. WTF is wrong with me…
Continuing on with the therapy mode of this blog…recently I’ve been struggling.. flashbacks, anxiety, little sleep…I guess I don’t sleep more than four hours a night anyway, but yea. I’m sure within this blog, there’s another blog about this same thing. Yes, I have a pill for anxiety, but I don’t like taking it because it knocks me out. I want to be present with this life, my life. If I live to be 90, I’ve already lived half of my life… and to some, I have nothing to show for it. To some… lets get into that. I have felt, for the majority of my adult life, that I have not been good enough, that I have failed, that I have made wrong decisions (which I have learned that I have). But… this feeling of being judged, of guilt, of shame. When is enough enough? How do I get past this? I felt like I was never doing good enough… blah blah. I’m sure my shrink will have an answer for me, after she digs it out of my own head. It goes back to this thing or that thing that happened during this or that time of my life. The only thing I’m good at now is putting up walls.
I’ve written some about my mother. Just to clarify, right now, I do not dislike or hate my mother. I love her as a human being, and as a person who is flawed like the rest of us. There are some things that I have come to the realization of, where she is concerned, and that is ok, it’s my progression and way of processing. This memoir is mine, and is in no way meant to put pad vibes or negative juju on her, or anyone for that matter. I say, and tell people, that if you don’t like what you read, then just move on. Easy peasy.
I’ve recently, joined Twitter. Well, I joined back in March, but didn’t really do anything until recently. Flakebook is irritating, so I deactivated for the time being. I want to finish the book I’ve been writing, for what seems to be a zillion years, and needed some support, I guess. There is a great community of writers there. :-).
Right now I feel scared, about what I’m not sure. This time of year can be a bumpy ride sometimes. I look at the D.O.G. who has saved me so many times, snoring on the other end of the couch, and wish I could just sleep like she does. She’s been washed for many years, of PA work, due to being attacked by another dog, and just plain being too stressed to work in the public anymore, but she still very much tasks for me at home. She alerts to things before I know what’s going on, and I am, on the daily, still amazed by what she “knows”. So what if she can’t do PA work anymore… I can’t function most of the time in public, so I have to understand that she is a living, breathing, feeling, soul… one who has flaws just like I do.
Lets talk about depression for a minute. Or lets let me talk to my dogs about depression, since there isn’t anyone here.
This sucks. This makes me feel hopeless and desolate. I simply have to keep on living. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Somewhere. Or is that my journey? Always looking for the light and never finding it. It fucking pisses me off to feel this way I hate it. I want to will it to be gone. Period.
I have a faith, and am praying and I know that God is hearing these prayers. It’s been proven. I have to get my head out of this web of dust and dirt. But it just seems to creep back in and pounce when I’m not expecting it. This shit is real. Real fucked up.
And it makes me angry. Obviously.
Maybe I’ll look into getting a heavy bag. Something I can kick and punch. Get the pent up energy out…maybe I’ll lose some fat while I’m at it.
Jump, skip,. I rearranged my bedroom. Maybe I can get some better vibes with everything facing different directions now. PPPAAAHAHAHHH!!!!! Who am I kidding. You can’t feng scchhhwaaaayyy anything around here.
My brain fog is fogging things up. Can’t keep a straight thought or make a clean sentence without saying fuck, or shit. Fuckshit.
Depression and anxiety sucks, and I have been dealing with it since I was 9 years old.
I have many hours in with my therapist, and many coping skills in my tool box. But there are some days that even that doesn’t work very well. In those cases I need to step away from all social media, my business, and go out and be in nature, and just sit. That may sound crazy, but it works for me.
There are also ways you can have tools readily available from you phone, or computer.
I have been researching mental health options and want to share them here. I will ad more to this post as I find programs, because everyone is different, and so are some of the mental health programs that are available to us.
The most important thing to remember is to REACH out for help when you need it. Doesn’t matter how, or who, just ask for help. Don’t struggle alone. There is always someone out there that can relate and that you can talk to.
Don’t give up, you are on this planet for a reason. Find your reason.
There are treatments for depression and anxiety, and learning how to treat your symptoms of anxiety and depression is key to being able to find some sort of ”normalcy” in your life. Whatever normal is.
Here’s a Story 