Sadie is the ultimate version of “putting up with my shenanigans”.
She is so patient with me and my “let’s see what weird things we can do today”. I can lay under her, crawl between her legs, sit down in front of her, pretty much anything.
This didn’t come instantly. We didn’t know each other when we got together. She had a rough past with her first owner. So I had to spend time, just spending time with her. She had to learn that every time I raised my hand, she didn’t have to flinch anymore.
I took my time… and that trust took two years to build, at liberty.
Sadie was a workin’ horse during her first years. If you what that means.. then you get it.
Then before I got her, she was with a wonderful friend her taught her that not all people were bad. That she enjoyed my friends grandkids riding her around, and she took such good care of them.
Now we are retired, we ride for relaxation and just to spend time together.
She’s happy to leave the barn now, and go on a relaxing ride.
Her working days are still in her memory though… she spots a cow from a mile away, and will move to a gate to open it, if I ask it of her.
When your horse holds your drink on her booty. 🤣 #1
I call her the brush buster, because I’m guessing she had to look for cows/calves at one point, in the brush… and she will just go through it, instead of around it.
I can see the past learned behavior coming to the forefront, when she thinks she has to work…but we don’t “work” anymore. But those memories are still there.
Don’t worry Sadie girl, I got you… nothing but blue skies and fun rides from now on. 💜
I’ve had quite a few horses, I’ve lost them due to domestic violence and abuse. Having my horses stolen, due to undiagnosed mental health, ptsd on my part, has been a sad haunting memory for me…
But all of my horses knew love. To me, that is all I could send with them.
I’ll admit, I struggle still with guilt… which I shouldn’t do, but my heart and mind battle are the hard days.
Don’t miss a moment… they could be gone in a heartbeat.
The things I wish I knew when I was younger, parenting with unknown and undealt with trauma. The amazing love for my babies.
Stop. Just stop what your doing and sit in nature. Bring in close those you love.
Talk more about feelings and emotions, if that doesn’t come easy, find a way. Write, sing, draw, whatever… learn to handle them.
Throw away the preconceived notions of what the “rules” are when you have babies. If it feels right to snuggle them after breast feeding, (or bottle feeding) then do it. If it feels right to co-sleep, then do it. Carry your baby on your body in one of those baby slings…. They grow up too fast, you’ll miss those moments later.
Teach your children to respect and mind… forget all this crap of sparing the rod, and “oh, but what if it hurts their feelings?”
Life is going to hurt their feelings, it’s our responsibility as parents to teach them to not get steam rolled by it. Ingraining a sense of respect for fellow humans, earth and animals should be taught…we may live on this planet, but it’s also our responsibility to act like we like it and we should take care of it.
Punish when necessary. Loving discipline is an absolute necessity. It’s not abuse, it’s teaching young what the rules of life are.
You may think this a bad comparison, but I don’t care. Animals in the wild scold and reprimand their young… watch a pack of coyotes, or horses, or primates… we are humans and we have dominion over the earth, and we must act as stewards. Teaching our own offspring not to be little shits, should be one of the most important things a parent does.
I know there are some people that are just rotten, and no amount of discipline is going to change them. I believe that there are elements in place that we cannot see, playing a part, influencing and trying to cause havoc. (Think spiritual warfare if you are a Christian/believer in a higher power.)
What a child learns and is exposed to up until the age of five to eight, will stick with them the rest of their lives. No matter what.
We as parents need to do better. We need to be stronger for our children, but also make sure they KNOW they are loved and teach them the ways to be.
Right from wrong, not if it feels good then do it. Teach them that it’s ok to not win, or not get a prize, because that’s going happen when they grow up, and if they can’t handle it, then we have an adult child with no way to deal with life.
Life. Would you say it has ups and downs? That it’s always perfect? Of course not, life is constantly changing. It ebbs and flows.
If we were fortunate enough to have parents that instilled in us some way to deal, we were lucky.
If we had any trauma during life, then we developed a way to cope. Be it good or bad.
Psychology will say it’s this or that, or this imbalance, or that chemical reaction in the brain that develops to allow the person to live. Those things are all true.
But I see today so many people just plain not giving a fuck, or thinking that “life will teach them”. Yea, life will. But with no support from home, and no belief system, no set parameters…. It makes everything that much harder.
I made many mistakes while I was a young parent, as we all do. Because I don’t know of any baby born with a personalized instruction manual.
But I did my best with what I had. When I felt like I screwed up, I apologized. Unbeknownst to me, I had undiagnosed traumas, and felt some days I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
But my kids knew I had their backs. I told them I loved them. I sucked at homework, because I didn’t even understand it. I could go on and on about all the things I felt I did wrong, but I won’t.
Because my kids are awesome. They both graduated college, they both have good jobs, and are on their own life journey. They are growing into their own, forging their path, and it’s wonderful.
But ya know what? They got disciplined as children, they were given choices and outcomes for their decisions. And yes, I spanked my kids. Didn’t have to do it very often, because they learned that was a consequence that they didn’t like, and if they made a different choice… it wouldn’t happen. I also restricted things they enjoyed if needed. I tried to make the punishment fit the crime. I hope I did ok. I think so… they may say different, but I think that’s the nature of parenting.
We are still on the parent/offspring journey. Parenting doesn’t end when they move out. They are adults now and I must respect their decisions for their lives… though sometimes it’s hard to sit back and just watch them learn on their own, without opening my big mouth and giving unasked for advice. (Which I’m good at). 🙄
All in all, I felt I was tough with my kids, but they also stayed out of jail, and respected authority… with a little rebellion thrown in now and then, because that’s just what happens. They may have a different perspective on that too, and that’s ok. Now and then they’ll tell me stories of things they did that I didn’t know about…. Lol… or so they think. 😉
And now… it’s gone. My cherished babies grew up in a blink. Literally. I think back and sometimes just sit there wondering how all these years went by so fast. I remember telling myself when I was younger to grasp onto these moments because they’ll be gone in a blink… and as life always does, it’s taught me that it really does flash by.
We are but a blip in the matrix of time.
So stop and show your children the flower, or cool looking bug. Walk with them and teach them to relax, because life will pressure them. They need to learn to release. And for goodness sake, get that electronic device out from in front of their face. 🤦🏻♀️
I remember one instance when I was going through the divorce from my son’s father. My son was struggling with emotions his little mind and body didn’t know how to process. He was acting out and I told him to go to his room until he could get calmed down and not throw a fit. So he did.
I stood outside his door and cried as I listened to him throw his toys and cry out in frustration. I gave him some time and when he quieted I knocked on his door. He was whimpering, and I asked him if he was ok, and this little person answered me back and said…
“Mommy I just feel like I need a hug”.
So opened his door and gave him that hug.
He didn’t know how to process, so I let him feel it and work through it, and helped him when he asked.
Also it broke my heart to have to let him learn. Just broke it in two.
I watched my daughter go through sumiliar emotional experiences, and it was just as absolutely heartbreaking as well… she was more like me, introverted, hated having her picture taken… didn’t know how to just “talk”… (at least with me) like me…and when she got to be a teenager, did not want to talk about anything with me. But that was ok, just hard. I’m sure I wasn’t the easiest person to talk to either. I know I wasn’t.
I remember holding her as a baby while she was working through a crying spell. I told her that I was sorry she was feeling bad, and my little baby girl laid in my arms and just cried for a while. Then she stopped. I just stared at her. She was so perfect to me. So so perfect. My little baby person in my arms felt so right.
I also apologized to her for failing her and not giving her a mom and dad who stayed together. At the time I didn’t know what else to do, so I just said that I was sorry. (Again, I didn’t even know what was wrong with me, but I knew my baby was the most important thing).
I didn’t know how much a person could love so much and be so instinctively protective, until I birthed my children. Motherhood is amazing. Regardless if you give birth, or adopt. It’s one of the most precious gifts God has given us… though I could have dealt with no labor pains… but that’s another blog post for another time. 😁
Say I love you, give that hug, talk those talks, teach those rights from wrongs. Let them play in the dirt and run around in the mud puddles. Teach them respect for other living creatures, and where the air we breathe comes from. (Wonder that?… think about it for a minute). Give them that hug, and take those mental pictures of your babies, and seal them tight within your heart. You’ll want them later. Swat that butt, take those car keys, wash that mouth out with soap. (Yes I did that… except it was a dab of soap, not a bubbled mouth full…lol).
They may hate you for it at the time, but they’ll also not forget who had their backs.
If you don’t know the ways, then reach out for help to find them. You made your kids, right? Take that seriously. There’s lots of help out there if you just ask.
I love you Bean and Woubee. You are the absolute best thing I’ve ever done.
My Girl and commercial dog food. I’ll only feed this.
Yesterday we had a winter storm roll in. It was the kind of snowfall that was heavy with big fat flakes. There was no wind, and it was amazingly quiet to walk through.
I love those kinds of snow storms. It calms me. I don’t know if it stirs up memories from my childhood, or if it’s just the awesomeness of nature that quiets my anxious heart.
Zoey and I took a ride on the gator around the property just taking it all in. Other than the sound of the engine, it was still and quiet.
Zoey doesn’t really like her new boots, but she knows they help protect her paws.
I will forever be in awe of the ability for nature to change and transform. I wish more humans would leave nature be, but that’s not the case. I can’t say that I wouldn’t enjoy a little place where I could grow my own food, and have a save to place escape. It’s coming. You can be guaranteed of that.
Nature grounds me. If I’m feeling anxious, depressed, having ptsd flashbacks, serious MDD symptoms, I can always put myself out in the woods, or stick my fee in the dirt, and it calms me.
The world around me, that has traumatized me, just stops.
There are times when others only want to talk to us, or see us when we seem to fit into their lives.
Our society has conditioned our ever present brains to accept what is put in front of our faces, usually via an electronic device or screen. We post a smiling face, nice house, fancy car, when in reality a lot of our lives are filled with pain, dysfunction and calamity.
Suicide thoughts run rampant among those of us who have had to deal with a lifetime of trauma. Or any trauma. Whether it’s from combat, familial abuse, spousal abuse, or abuse from a stranger. Anything traumatic, that makes a person question their safety, whether it’s emotional, spiritual, mental or physical,WILL CHANGE YOU.
I don’t care what you say. It changes a person. Someone who has experience trauma, will not come out on the other side the same, and a lot of times, they don’t even recognize what’s happening, and have no idea how to deal with it. (Me).
This has been me for the majority of my life. Not knowing what’s wrong, wanting to “fix” it, not understanding why I made horrible choices and decisions, and stumbling through, hiding my pain and ignoring my own emotional well being, thinking that crying, or showing emotion, was considered a weakness.
This year has been a really good year of understanding, self discovery, setting boundaries, forgiveness, mixed in with a range of emotions including extreme anger, heartbreak and acceptance. It’s not a done deal, as life is about change, and since we (me, you) are still here, then the progression will continue.
How much should a person share? Where’s the boundaries? When does it become too much? Or not enough? A lot of people really don’t care when they ask “How ya doin’?” It’s a knee jerk reaction, and honestly, we as humans need to watch our words. I STILL have a hard time with that… thinking that everyone means what they say. They don’t. They are full of shit.
Not every person is an asshole, not every person INTENDS to not mean what they say. But there are people who just provide lip service; they say what they think you want to hear, and walk off. Stay away from those people.
AND, there are genuine, good humans, who say things, then life happens and they, for some reason out of their control, couldn’t follow through, or said something that came out wrong. I’ve done that myself.
We aren’t perfect. Our lives aren’t perfect. We wake up with morning breath, we don’t always shave our legs (haha), we get so depressed that we feel like we would be better off, not alive anymore, or can’t shower, eat, breathe without physical pain. If I posted the 90 bazillion other photos of how I really feel during the day, most days, I’d have someone calling for a welfare check.
I guess I want to normalize being REAL. No, we don’t need to share everything, no one needs to know how many shits you took today… (unless you are in the hospital, or work in the medical field… but that’s another post…lol).
Needing validation is a human necessity, in my opinion, but, it needs to be done in a healthy way, and not filled with falsified “look at my perfect life” Instagram photos, or creating the perfect reel, with the perfect children, skinny perfect wife and hot ripped husband. We need to support each other as humans, perfectly flawed and messed up.
Yes, keep yourself healthy, because we all know that batshit crazy person (people) who’s narcissistic abusive behavior will ruin you. Set your boundaries, and for the love of mud, do not let them move. Flexible, maybe, but have a hard line. That may sound like a bass-ackwards way to describe it, but 🤷🏻♀️.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. (I have crisis in my contacts). Don’t be ashamed of not being what society or people think you should be. It’s not their business.
Also, if you’re an asshole, keep being you boo…you’re not fooling anyone.
This is a challenge where you can network with other writers, the general public, or completely keep your writing private. It runs until the end of November, and the challenge is to write at least 50,000 words. That’s 50k.
I’m at a little over 10k right now.
If you divide it up, it’s writing approximately 2000 words a day. That’s easy to do if you can get in your zone.
Let me know what you think. 😊
If you don’t see much of me on here, that’s why. I’m in my mojo and writing, though I will try to check in and share my progress.
So I was reading a blog tonight, and noticed a comment left on one of my posts that I never answered, so I answered it tonight. And I realized that when I thought about what I was going to say, that I was over such a “love”. Maybe over isn’t the right word. Maybe just settled with what it really is. Which is not for me. I thought I could love such a “love” into existence, and I can not. No matter how much I love, it’s not going to be returned. I’m ok with that now. I kept telling this person that I would eventually “get over it” for lack of a better phrase, and so he would understand. And I guess I am there now. I am full of compassion and care for him, but I know that it will be nothing more than friends at this point. No need to go into the why’s or how comes, because it doesn’t matter…I have come to enough closure, that I can let it go to it’s place inside my heart, to lay dormant and subsequently grow into something else. I don’t know what that something else is going to be, or if or when…but I know that it will because that’s what God has promised.
As I look back, again, on the healing process I see my heart bleeding tears, I see my eyes running dry, and I remember waking up only to realize that it was happening again…with that sick vomit feeling in the pit of my stomach. Thinking, “oh God, here I go again.” Months of why’s, and anger, and tears and hurt and bitchyness….of trying to be “friends” with this person, only to realize each time that it was only allowing me to lose my own self respect. You would have thought that since I had been through this before, I would have not done the same things again…but noooooo…I didn’t want to give up, and kept trying. Only to realize that I knew how it was all going to end anyway, and just couldn’t or wouldn’t face it. Maybe it’s just my stubbornness that makes excuses for myself. HA. Of course that makes no sense whatsoever….Whatever, either way I’m ok, and I always knew I would, I just kept hoping….
Hope is something that I cannot lose, ever. When, the few times I have lost hope…I’ve lost everything. I am not put together to be without it…kind of like love…. I can be without love…romantic, committed love, but I can’t be without hope. It’s what keeps me going. Keeps me looking for the good in things, soldiering on, growing…I’ll never know everything life has to offer. But without hope, I won’t experience anything.
I need Coffee and my #1 DOG (from the archives 11-18-2021
Coffee. And if I am being honest, I really need a dedicated writing space…sitting here on my couch with my feet on the “coffee” table is ok for now, but knowing me, I’ll get antsy, and move to the bed.. lol…. Anyway, not that that is a big deal, whatever works, right? Oh, and the coffee is DECAFFEINATED. WTF is wrong with me…
Continuing on with the therapy mode of this blog…recently I’ve been struggling.. flashbacks, anxiety, little sleep…I guess I don’t sleep more than four hours a night anyway, but yea. I’m sure within this blog, there’s another blog about this same thing. Yes, I have a pill for anxiety, but I don’t like taking it because it knocks me out. I want to be present with this life, my life. If I live to be 90, I’ve already lived half of my life… and to some, I have nothing to show for it. To some… lets get into that. I have felt, for the majority of my adult life, that I have not been good enough, that I have failed, that I have made wrong decisions (which I have learned that I have). But… this feeling of being judged, of guilt, of shame. When is enough enough? How do I get past this? I felt like I was never doing good enough… blah blah. I’m sure my shrink will have an answer for me, after she digs it out of my own head. It goes back to this thing or that thing that happened during this or that time of my life. The only thing I’m good at now is putting up walls.
I’ve written some about my mother. Just to clarify, right now, I do not dislike or hate my mother. I love her as a human being, and as a person who is flawed like the rest of us. There are some things that I have come to the realization of, where she is concerned, and that is ok, it’s my progression and way of processing. This memoir is mine, and is in no way meant to put pad vibes or negative juju on her, or anyone for that matter. I say, and tell people, that if you don’t like what you read, then just move on. Easy peasy.
I’ve recently, joined Twitter. Well, I joined back in March, but didn’t really do anything until recently. Flakebook is irritating, so I deactivated for the time being. I want to finish the book I’ve been writing, for what seems to be a zillion years, and needed some support, I guess. There is a great community of writers there. :-).
Right now I feel scared, about what I’m not sure. This time of year can be a bumpy ride sometimes. I look at the D.O.G. who has saved me so many times, snoring on the other end of the couch, and wish I could just sleep like she does. She’s been washed for many years, of PA work, due to being attacked by another dog, and just plain being too stressed to work in the public anymore, but she still very much tasks for me at home. She alerts to things before I know what’s going on, and I am, on the daily, still amazed by what she “knows”. So what if she can’t do PA work anymore… I can’t function most of the time in public, so I have to understand that she is a living, breathing, feeling, soul… one who has flaws just like I do.
Depression sucks. It’s all consuming sometimes and it makes me feel like I’m in a dark hole , trying to claw my way out.
I do my coping skills that my therapist and I discuss. I think about all the blessings I have in my life. My kids, my grandbaby, my animals. I sit outside and get fresh air, sunlight, nourishment from the earth. I don’t drink like I used to…that only made things worse. I take my medication like I’m supposed to.
So why am I still consumed with this bullshit? I become paralyzed with fear…for what reason? My logical mind tells me there’s no reason to be fearful. But my irrational mind says to be on guard, aware..keep looking over your shoulder. “Be careful” it says. “There’s always something out there to get you”.