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I have been going through this “thing”, ever since I whole heartily decided to change. The change I’m sure will be lifelong, because that’s the way life is, always changing. I just want to do my best at all times. The challenge with that scenario is that I am HUMAN, and I have a wide range of emotions. And right now I’m pissed. Probably for unrealistic reasons, but I’m still pissed. I am allowed to feel. It’s how I handle those feelings that determines the outcome.
Right now I feel unimportant. I know that is not the case, because God loves me, and that’s all I really need. But I am still on this big round thing we live on, and I am still affected by what others do. It will pass, and I will get thicker skin with time, but right now it would be nice to have a living breathing human being to talk to. I don’t have that at this point, so I attack my keyboard, and spew these feelings.
I’ve always been helped by what they call talk therapy. (Psychotherapy) Talking to someone who will listen works wonders for me. Sometimes I just need a hug…or an ear. And that’s ok. For the longest time I have felt that it is a weakness to show weakness. I thought I had to be strong all the time, for everyone. In being “strong” I denied myself the chance to be human. Sometimes it’s good to be strong for others, and I want to. I want to be there for those I love. Always. It’s just that in the quiet times, it’s not always easy to be strong, and I fall apart. I do my best to be positive, but sheeeeit….sometimes I just need to let the walls down and have a good cry. Or a good talk, or go to someone who can support me…I mean physically/emotionally …It’s good to have living breathing human acknowledgment, especially from those you love, and from those that say they love you. Everyone is different, some want or need more support than others (if it’s healthy, and not co-dependent) . Others don’t…it’s all ok either way. I think what’s important is that we just TRY to be there for each other. Life is going to throw enough ups and downs at me, so it’s good to know that I know that I know who’s got my back. I hope and pray I have told my peeps that I will always be there for them as well.
I believe that the “forces of evil” will use my weakness to throw me off track, if I let them. Fear, doubt, insecurity….those are all of no good. They cause nothing but problems and create more of the same.
I find that each day I am getting stronger, but like life, I must rest. I am tired right now and want to cuddle…LOL…when I’m tired, I become vulnerable to those weaknesses that I work so hard to fight. This is a journey, learning process…with time things will move to smoother waters, this I know with my whole heart.
Right now, I’m just tired and need that support. A soft place to fall.
Reposted from 2013. It seems that I’m the same person, yet different.
Keywords: acknowledgment, emotional, trauma, pain, mental health