I had an epiphany last night, and realized that I have forgotten how to relax. I know if you follow me, you might think that wouldn’t be an issue, especially if you watch any of my YouTube videos.
But as I was camping last night, I found myself fidgeting, not being in the present, and my mind was racing.
I used to read ALL THE TIME. It was a way for me to unwind, and I love to read. But since starting this online business, two years ago, and learning all there is to learn about “that”, I’ve found myself stuck to a screen in some form or another. I don’t like that.
I decided a few weeks ago that this was going to be the summer of books. My friend gave me a book called “Horse”, and I’ve started reading it and STILL, my brain starts to migrate back to “did I post on my socials, have I edited this video or that video?” Nope nope nope.
Changes need to be made. I blab all the time about mental health awareness… and I’ve neglected my own.
So this summer is going to be slowing down, being present, mindful meditation and just calming the fuck down in general.
Links to my YouTube are highlighted, but here they are again. Also here is the book I’m currently reading.
This morning was great, beautiful and after this I’m going to take a nap, ptsd is kicking my ass today, so I do what I need to make it through the day.
But before that, as I got out to the ranch, I played with Zoey for a while. Yesterday was rough for both of us. So to see her back to normal, wanting to play, filled my heart with joy. Zoey has a lectin intolerance, which causes her to projectile vomit if she eats the wrong things.
I felt so guilty because I thought I’d try some different protein in her breakfast, and I instantly knew that she was hurting, her tummy was upset. I’ll explain lectin intolerance in another post, but it’s real and it causes bad things to happen.
So this morning when she wanted to play ball and was feeling good, I felt good.
God gave me another day to wake up. I am thankful for that. My thought process is that we aren’t guaranteed another day. We don’t know when our last day is going to be in this flesh and bones shell we are given when we are born.
It’s interesting how when I was younger I never thought about my mortality. It was simply survive and make it to the next day. It was never a thought of mine that life is so fleeting. Not until I got older and started losing people that I loved and cared about. Maybe that’s the progression of life…at least that’s the way I feel now. The ole’ saying “live and learn”. If we are lucky, we can live.
I struggle with my past. Things that I cannot change, things that I wish I knew then, that I know now. I’m sure there are others that feel that way.
I wish I had understood my mental illness so I could have addressed it sooner, and made different choices and decisions. Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first. Haha.
But that’s not how it works. We don’t get to go back in time like Sassenach (Outlander plug) and find a completely different life. Because if we could, I’d change a lot. Mostly my morass of a so called brain function. I’d take away all the trauma, and embrace all the love and nurture it into my future. I’d have my two wonderful children, who are now adults, and I’d share with them how to process emotions, that failure is not weakness, that crying is not shameful. I’d talk more to them about life, and things in general. Not be so stoic and “strong”, or what I thought was strong.
I woke up. 10 May 2023
We are human beings full of faults, and happiness and we make mistakes…..I wish I could have been able to articulate all of those things, so my kids could have had a mother who wasn’t so fucked up.
But I can’t. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and move forward and try to do better. I was talking about that with a family member the other day. Logically I know that is true, but emotionally it’s hard. I am my own worst enemy.
Yesterday I cycled fast, and got up out of it. This morning it’s a flare up, and I awoke with an anxiety attack, and nausea. This is part of it. This morning I broke down and took my prn medication, because sometimes I just don’t have enough spoons.
And that’s ok.
When talking to my therapist, she tells me that when it gets to be too much, that I need to do my coping skills, and take my prn meds, when nothing else is working. Then I struggle with feeling like I’m not doing enough. Basically I need to learn to forgive myself and allow grace to enter my life.
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My vehicle needs major maintenance…nothing that isn’t out of the ordinary for a 24 year old Jeep, that has 270,000 miles on her. I love this vehicle, I love that she’s gotten me everywhere and still does, even being old. I’m trying to raise funds to get the engine rebuilt…rings are going out, and she’s burning the midnight oil, valve cover gaskets are shot…you know the things that happen with an old engine. I’ve done all regular maintenance, and fixed things that needed fixed when they broke…alternator, heater core, starter, oil changes, brake booster, spark plugs, radiator hoses, serpentine belt, battery. I have a water pump and we need to find the coolant leak. My son is on that. But he works a full time job, has a fiancé and a cute, smart, loving son, and another son on the way in about a week. So I don’t want to ask too much of him. He helps me so much.
So I guess the point of this post is to remind myself to not give up. Because there are times when I want to. I need to find the joy in the things that used to bring me so much happiness. Because lately, there’s no joy. I’m faking it. Putting on that mask when I have to, and isolating when I need to. Although I enjoy my alone time. I used to say that I wish I had someone to spend it with, but these days that’s not an issue. I love being alone, I love spending time in nature and with animals.
Ideally I’m looking to get a van and built it out. Put my stuff in storage and just be in the earth. Be in my life, find the peace I’ve had in the past, so long ago. If I find another human to spend that time with, then great, but if I don’t, I’m ok with that too.
Count your blessings, and if you don’t think you have any, then just stop moving and look around you… there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for, always. Trust me on that.
In five days I turn 54…54!!! I never even thought of being this age. Life is crazy, fun, sad, boring, normal…embrace all of it.
So happy Wednesday. I wish you all to have a great day, and if you are struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out to someone, or dial 988 for immediate help.
Here’s a short clip with my girl. She’s a retired service dog, who still performs tasks for me at home, directly related to my disabilities. I don’t ask much of her, but her instinctual alerting capability, never goes away. But we try to just have fun these days. She ten this year. My ride or die
Woke up around 4-ish and debated what I wanted to do…I was instantly hit with “challenges”. But I got up, fed the dog and got things ready to head out.
Got to the ranch and the storm clouds were covering the sunrise and I thought it was just gorgeous. Did a real quick set up of my camera, and tried to catch it. Got a little…
The sun is life. Without it everything gets discombobulated. Including my brain. I try to get as much sun as I can handle…though some days it causes a flare up, but I get out in it anyway. During the winter I have sun light bulbs, mostly for my indoor plants, but also for myself. Seasonal affective disorder is a real thing.
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I cycled really fast this morning. Haven’t figured out the whys about it, so I just try to deal with it. I made it! I almost put myself back to bed with a Xanax because I was in a shitty anxiety attack that was lasting forever.
But I didn’t. I went and prepped my garden and ran the weed eater on my little back yard. I decided to try my entire garden from seed this year. Flowers, tomatoes, and cucumbers. If I don’t see them sprouting in a couple of weeks, then I’ll go get some that have already been started, but normally I do fairly well with seeds.
Sunrises are the best, May 8, 2023
I planted a lot of insect friendly seeds, and some climbing seeds. Fingers crossed everything goes well. We are supposed to get some rain today and tonight, so hopefully that will help as well. I don’t have any areas that the water runs off, so I THINK the seeds I plopped on the ground, will stay. I did cover them a bit. Technically I’m not supposed to plant anything “in the ground”, it has to be in pots, but I did it anyway. 🤷🏻♀️
Anywho…thanks for reading, and here’s the video I took of the sun and clouds. So beautiful.
Here’s a Story 