Social media is great… especially for people like me who are introverts, but want to keep in touch.
But it gets to be too much sometimes. So I step away. I put my phone on do not disturb, so I don’t constantly see notifications, and I just write, rest, or spend time in nature.
In the process of hurting my back, and doing the things needed to get it healed up, I was sort of forced into a break, but I slowly realized I was needing one anyway.
If you know my story, then you know I struggle with mental health diagnoses, and as much as I would love to be “even keel”, and emotionally leveled out, the fact is I’m not that way.
I’ve been working on my #jeepminicamper and that has been a source of accomplishment, and also a way to distract my mind from morbid thoughts, unrealistic fears, and some depression.
The thing about mental illness, for me anyway, if I don’t manage it right, all of the things I do to distract my mind, come creeping back up if I try to pretend that they aren’t there. So I just deal with it. I put myself in the very present, noting the things around me, what I’m doing, or not doing. What is actually real, and not some illogical thought process that is stemming directly from a ptsd symptom, or a cloud of oppressive depression.
It’s hard. It’s just hard some days. I get tired. I get frustrated, I get angry, I cry. I question everything, I question my life’s worth, I question my worth as a human being, I even guestion the things that bring me peace, wondering if I’m even worth peace.
Those things are the trickery and deception of mental illness. It comes to steal kill and destroy. Destroy families, destroy relationships, friendships, and in worst case it will take your life.
How social media forces me to step away, and the (my) cycle of mental illness.
I’m hyper vigilant…this stems from a home invasion, and domestic violence. But that hyper vigilance seeps into other areas… and compounds symptoms. If I’m going through a cycle of depressive episodes, that hyper vigilance will look for everything that is depressing in my life… logical? Absolutely not, but that’s the cycle some days.
So today’s ramblings are what I’m currently struggling with. I share because I know I’m not alone in struggling with mental health… although I am physically alone, I still want to be open and share, because someone else needs to hear that they are not alone.
You are not alone.
I may not be the best to talk to all the time, but I will listen, and be an ear. Sometimes that’s all a person needs.
So with that, I’m peacin’ out for today.
Thanks for listening. I’m working on a podcast, but it’s new territory for me, so please be patient. Also, please share, like, subscribe if you feel inclined, I would truly appreciate it.
Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization…
I told them nothing, it causes me anxiety.
My biggest, newest tool I’ve added to my toolbox is staying in my #jeepminicamper out in nature. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m getting there. It’s working the best thus far.
I do still use my other coping skills… 4-7-8 breathing, snapping a rubber band, safe place, finding five things in my present that I can either see, feel, hear that helps ground me when I’m in full out flashback or panic attack mode.
I don’t always know when symptoms are going to happen. I can’t always identify the triggers.
In worst case scenario, my therapist and I have a set protocol that I follow.
Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization. My response: nothing, it causes me anxiety.
I do all my coping skills, and if that doesn’t work, I call crisis, and if that doesn’t work, I check myself into the hospital. That has happened five times.
But I started this conversion of my jeep, and it’s helped to focus on a task, and it allows me to do what is the most functional for treating symptoms, at this moment. The thing that I’ve learned that is most important for me, is to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes on second at a time.
I still have a few more things to do to finish, but I’m getting there. Like purchase this mini wood stove… love it.
Here’s a quick video of a work day… can’t get any better.
My goal with building this is to also be able to share the process, and help others. I plan to be on the road for trips later this summer. Still have a few more things to add… but I’ll get there.
This has been such a learning experience. I had no idea what I was doing when I started considering this. But I watched a lot of videos, asked a lot of questions, and have made a lot of mistakes.
As I’ve been staying in it, I tweak this or that. I still have to make the window coverings, but until then the huge amount of heat was just escaping through the windows…so, I just hung up some small throw blankets, and it’s made a huge difference. Right now I am close to electricity, until I get everything finished. I have put a little heater in the vehicle because it’s got down to the 20’s and 30’s at night. I have a good sleeping bag and Zoey has her bed, and we snuggle up under the sleeping bag and stay warm. I actually think that my sleep has been better. I’m still working on the bed….I put down some memory foam (full sized folded three times), and that has made a huge difference. I’ll keep working on it until it’s just the way I want it, but right now it’s perfect.
So this is the reason…I’m not 28 anymore, I’m not using alcohol or other unhealthy coping skills, I’m developing more coping skills, that are bringing me peace.
Life is weird, and I believe everything happens for a reason. Whatever the reason, it is time for me to do this, and other than making my back sore now and then, it’s working.
Don’t be afraid to try new things…You may surprise yourself.
If you’d like to learn how to start a full time online business, or even a side hustle, you can click here… just look for any colored words and navigate from there. It even comes with a money back guarantee. I’ve made money from these proven strategies. All you need is to be able to commit to put in the effort. It works!
NO MY SITE IS NOT GOING OFFLINE. Working out some technical issues.
Find me on my other socials, if you want. I’m leaning further #out #of #Facebook. All of my videos (reels) will also be on my website. (My latest reel is at the bottom of this post.)
Why? Because I like it better, and have to do what’s best for my noggin.
Trying to keep up with everything, is hard some days, and the key to everything online is consistency. So I have to choose which #platforms are #performing better, with the least amount of “issues”.
Everything is linked in my #linktreeinbio
I won’t delete the account, but just won’t be posting as much here as time moves forward. I’ll see how it goes.. because things can change.
I have posted strong opinions about it, but I’m attempting…haha…to find my filter for my mouth.
Find me in my other socials. If you want to…I’m not the boss of you. 🤣🤣🤣
It’s just me being tired of the control issue… my content will get 40k, 10k views, until they offer to pay me, then they toggle it, and views go down. It seems dumb to me.. but hey.. I’m not Facebook. Just had a video get over 11k views Instagram (yes owned by Meta), but it gets less than 500 over on FB… because they wanted me in their monetization program. Prior to that… things were different.
Also, I enjoy the freedom I have on my own site. Nobody tells me I’m going to get banned/ or a community violation for saying this, or that.
Yes I understand that if I’m going to continue to build, I have to jump through some hoops. I’m just deciding which hoops.
Also, having my face in front of a screen, isn’t good for me. It’s not good for anyone actually.
My goal is to share a lot, because it’s the number one most effective way for me to cope… and I’ve got to be able to deal with my baggage…..and if me sharing helps at least one other person, then I’ve accomplished something.
My main source will be here… I’ve had this site since 2013. I’ll keep Medium,(for my poetry) Reddit (because so far I love it there) and Instagram (because it’s easier to integrate what I want)… and Twitter (because I’m a part of a great writing, poetry community over there… but even Twitter is changing)…but I’m backing off of Facebook. I’ve backed completely off of Tiktok…. I can’t stand it there… I still have an account with a couple of videos, but it’s just too much. I do have a feet page… doing an experiment with that, so not sure I’ll keep it….. yes I said feet… I’m quirky and weird, but I’m ok with that. 🤣
I’m opening an Amazon storefront because I have so many products that I get from there, that I use, and it’s just easier to share all in one place sometimes. If I can’t find it on Amazon, I share a link to it.
So there it is. Peace out Facebook. For now at least.
The things I wish I knew when I was younger, parenting with unknown and undealt with trauma. The amazing love for my babies.
Stop. Just stop what your doing and sit in nature. Bring in close those you love.
Talk more about feelings and emotions, if that doesn’t come easy, find a way. Write, sing, draw, whatever… learn to handle them.
Throw away the preconceived notions of what the “rules” are when you have babies. If it feels right to snuggle them after breast feeding, (or bottle feeding) then do it. If it feels right to co-sleep, then do it. Carry your baby on your body in one of those baby slings…. They grow up too fast, you’ll miss those moments later.
Teach your children to respect and mind… forget all this crap of sparing the rod, and “oh, but what if it hurts their feelings?”
Life is going to hurt their feelings, it’s our responsibility as parents to teach them to not get steam rolled by it. Ingraining a sense of respect for fellow humans, earth and animals should be taught…we may live on this planet, but it’s also our responsibility to act like we like it and we should take care of it.
Punish when necessary. Loving discipline is an absolute necessity. It’s not abuse, it’s teaching young what the rules of life are.
You may think this a bad comparison, but I don’t care. Animals in the wild scold and reprimand their young… watch a pack of coyotes, or horses, or primates… we are humans and we have dominion over the earth, and we must act as stewards. Teaching our own offspring not to be little shits, should be one of the most important things a parent does.
I know there are some people that are just rotten, and no amount of discipline is going to change them. I believe that there are elements in place that we cannot see, playing a part, influencing and trying to cause havoc. (Think spiritual warfare if you are a Christian/believer in a higher power.)
What a child learns and is exposed to up until the age of five to eight, will stick with them the rest of their lives. No matter what.
We as parents need to do better. We need to be stronger for our children, but also make sure they KNOW they are loved and teach them the ways to be.
Right from wrong, not if it feels good then do it. Teach them that it’s ok to not win, or not get a prize, because that’s going happen when they grow up, and if they can’t handle it, then we have an adult child with no way to deal with life.
Life. Would you say it has ups and downs? That it’s always perfect? Of course not, life is constantly changing. It ebbs and flows.
If we were fortunate enough to have parents that instilled in us some way to deal, we were lucky.
If we had any trauma during life, then we developed a way to cope. Be it good or bad.
Psychology will say it’s this or that, or this imbalance, or that chemical reaction in the brain that develops to allow the person to live. Those things are all true.
But I see today so many people just plain not giving a fuck, or thinking that “life will teach them”. Yea, life will. But with no support from home, and no belief system, no set parameters…. It makes everything that much harder.
I made many mistakes while I was a young parent, as we all do. Because I don’t know of any baby born with a personalized instruction manual.
But I did my best with what I had. When I felt like I screwed up, I apologized. Unbeknownst to me, I had undiagnosed traumas, and felt some days I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
But my kids knew I had their backs. I told them I loved them. I sucked at homework, because I didn’t even understand it. I could go on and on about all the things I felt I did wrong, but I won’t.
Because my kids are awesome. They both graduated college, they both have good jobs, and are on their own life journey. They are growing into their own, forging their path, and it’s wonderful.
But ya know what? They got disciplined as children, they were given choices and outcomes for their decisions. And yes, I spanked my kids. Didn’t have to do it very often, because they learned that was a consequence that they didn’t like, and if they made a different choice… it wouldn’t happen. I also restricted things they enjoyed if needed. I tried to make the punishment fit the crime. I hope I did ok. I think so… they may say different, but I think that’s the nature of parenting.
We are still on the parent/offspring journey. Parenting doesn’t end when they move out. They are adults now and I must respect their decisions for their lives… though sometimes it’s hard to sit back and just watch them learn on their own, without opening my big mouth and giving unasked for advice. (Which I’m good at). 🙄
All in all, I felt I was tough with my kids, but they also stayed out of jail, and respected authority… with a little rebellion thrown in now and then, because that’s just what happens. They may have a different perspective on that too, and that’s ok. Now and then they’ll tell me stories of things they did that I didn’t know about…. Lol… or so they think. 😉
And now… it’s gone. My cherished babies grew up in a blink. Literally. I think back and sometimes just sit there wondering how all these years went by so fast. I remember telling myself when I was younger to grasp onto these moments because they’ll be gone in a blink… and as life always does, it’s taught me that it really does flash by.
We are but a blip in the matrix of time.
So stop and show your children the flower, or cool looking bug. Walk with them and teach them to relax, because life will pressure them. They need to learn to release. And for goodness sake, get that electronic device out from in front of their face. 🤦🏻♀️
I remember one instance when I was going through the divorce from my son’s father. My son was struggling with emotions his little mind and body didn’t know how to process. He was acting out and I told him to go to his room until he could get calmed down and not throw a fit. So he did.
I stood outside his door and cried as I listened to him throw his toys and cry out in frustration. I gave him some time and when he quieted I knocked on his door. He was whimpering, and I asked him if he was ok, and this little person answered me back and said…
“Mommy I just feel like I need a hug”.
So opened his door and gave him that hug.
He didn’t know how to process, so I let him feel it and work through it, and helped him when he asked.
Also it broke my heart to have to let him learn. Just broke it in two.
I watched my daughter go through sumiliar emotional experiences, and it was just as absolutely heartbreaking as well… she was more like me, introverted, hated having her picture taken… didn’t know how to just “talk”… (at least with me) like me…and when she got to be a teenager, did not want to talk about anything with me. But that was ok, just hard. I’m sure I wasn’t the easiest person to talk to either. I know I wasn’t.
I remember holding her as a baby while she was working through a crying spell. I told her that I was sorry she was feeling bad, and my little baby girl laid in my arms and just cried for a while. Then she stopped. I just stared at her. She was so perfect to me. So so perfect. My little baby person in my arms felt so right.
I also apologized to her for failing her and not giving her a mom and dad who stayed together. At the time I didn’t know what else to do, so I just said that I was sorry. (Again, I didn’t even know what was wrong with me, but I knew my baby was the most important thing).
I didn’t know how much a person could love so much and be so instinctively protective, until I birthed my children. Motherhood is amazing. Regardless if you give birth, or adopt. It’s one of the most precious gifts God has given us… though I could have dealt with no labor pains… but that’s another blog post for another time. 😁
Say I love you, give that hug, talk those talks, teach those rights from wrongs. Let them play in the dirt and run around in the mud puddles. Teach them respect for other living creatures, and where the air we breathe comes from. (Wonder that?… think about it for a minute). Give them that hug, and take those mental pictures of your babies, and seal them tight within your heart. You’ll want them later. Swat that butt, take those car keys, wash that mouth out with soap. (Yes I did that… except it was a dab of soap, not a bubbled mouth full…lol).
They may hate you for it at the time, but they’ll also not forget who had their backs.
If you don’t know the ways, then reach out for help to find them. You made your kids, right? Take that seriously. There’s lots of help out there if you just ask.
I love you Bean and Woubee. You are the absolute best thing I’ve ever done.
My Girl and commercial dog food. I’ll only feed this.
Sadie has ALWAYS been a Mudbug. She waits until the mud gets that super tacky sticky consistency, and then takes a huge roll.
She knows that I will always give her a good brushing, which is why she probably does it, on top of the fact that—who doesn’t love a good clean mud bath?
I know I do…I say that literally. We have some “clean” mud at the ranch, with no horse poop in it, and when it rains a lot, there’s nothing better than sticking my feet in the mud and smushing it all around in between my toes.
Maybe I’m weird, but that’s ok. I’ll embrace that weirdness.
I’ve run through the west pasture during a thunderstorm in my bare feet and a tank top, just letting the rain wash over my body. (And hoping I don’t get struck by lightning…ha…obviously I didn’t because I’m here writing this post.)
I say this about mud to direct to a more serious subject. I previously posted about what it was like to live with mental health diagnoses and how I cope.
Well, this is one of my coping skills, more so in the summer..clearly, because even though I’m not in my right mind (insert large amounts of sarcasm here) I’m not going to stick my feet in the mud when it’s 20 degrees outside. Though I have walked out into the garage barefoot when it’s cold, and I will tell you it takes everything off of your mind….lol…but it’s not my favorite thing to do.
This morning when I went out to do chores, I was feeling anxious. But the minute I stepped out of the car to get started, I breathed in the fresh air, and took a look around at the nature, the quiet, and the peacefulness. My anxiety quieted in my mind and body. The cats all greeted me, and I felt “home”.
I got everyone fed, and was headed back out, and stopped where I feed the corn to the deer. We have one momma that has a hitch in her git-a-long, and I called to them to let them know breaksfast was served.
As I pulled out of the driveway, I got a notification from one of the security cameras.. and there she was, chomping down her breaksfast. I have a special place in my heart for her. 💜
The earth is healing. Animals are healing. Nature is healing. This may sound like a weird question, but have you ever smelled clean, fresh dirt? I know I know, “clean” dirt… but there is such a thing. The smell is wonderful….it’s raw and unadulterated. It heals my soul on those hard days.
So, I’m just suggesting…if you’re having a bad day, and need to try something different……
4 Mental Health diagnoses from trauma. What it’s like. #ptsd #cptsd #mdd #mentalhealthawareness
What it’s like…..Remember when Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz was caught up in the tornado, and she saw the wicked witch ride her bike by her window? Knowing that no matter what, that wicked ole’ witch was still there.
The house spinning around, furniture sliding back and forth, not being able to grasp onto anything to feel grounded.
Another way to describe ptsd, cptsd, mdd (major depressive disorder) is not wanting to move, bathe, get out of bed, eat, sleep or even be alive. In my case the symptoms cycle. One minute I’ll be “up” and feeling positive, feeling like…”ok, this is good, I’m going to have a good day today.” So I set out with bells on and go about whatever it is that I have planned. (Side note: I help take care of a ranch where I keep my horse, and we have “barn cats”, and deer, and such, so I absolutely have to get up and go take care of them, no matter how I feel, I never miss a day, 24/7/365).
There are some days when I’m toodling along, at home, or at the ranch, and no matter how good I feel, something triggers me and I start down the rabbit hole of panic attacks, flashbacks, and morbid thoughts (in my case suicidal ideation). Sometimes I can identify the triggers, other times I cannot. When I can identify them, I stop and start my coping skills.
If it’s at the ranch, I sit with my horse, or out in the middle of the pasture. That may sound weird, but for me it works. I force myself to look around me at the calmness of nature. Also, my horse is amazing…she knows when I’m having a hard time, and comforts me with hugs, or just comes and stands next to where I am.
I count out loud what I can see, hear, feel….the grass, which is brown right now. The male Cardinal sitting on the branch, the sound the wind makes as it blows through the trees. If it’s evening, I can count on usually hearing the coyotes off in the distance. I literally MAKE myself stop and be present in the moment, and try to tell my brain that I am not experiencing the trauma again, it’s today, not the past. I do the 4-7-8 breathing technique. When done right it can lower heart rate, and help reset the brain.
Then there are those days when I feel hopeless, humiliated, embarrassed…like I’ve failed my family and friends in every way imaginable. Like I would be better off not on this planet. The depression is all consuming some days. I cry a lot, I reach into my tool box of coping skills, use them all, and it doesn’t work. I’m just all out of spoons.
That’s when I call crisis.
Logically I know that there’s nothing wrong with reaching out for help. My therapist and I have protocol set in place for when it gets that bad. But emotionally I feel worthless, like I’m not worthy of help, like I’m not good enough for it. Those are the battles that intrude and make the rough days, ten times harder.
I push through though. A few years ago I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. It was one of the hardest times of my life. I had lost my grandmother, and actually thought I was going to die myself. My mind was constantly spinning, unable to keep a straight thought. The emotional pain of not being able to call my grandma and talk to her was unbearable. There was one day in particular I had decided that I was going to kill myself. That I wanted to be out of this pain, that I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had a plan to take all of my medication.
But something stopped me…I like to think it was grandma telling me not to do that, but I can’t pinpoint why I didn’t swallow all of my meds. All I know is I didn’t, but I wanted to really really bad.
Instead I called crisis, and checked myself into the psych ward. (This was pre-covid so I was able to get a bed.) I’ve had five psychiatric hospital stays, and I’ve come out of them learning something that I didn’t know prior to being admitted. I count that as a positive. I don’t like staying inpatient because it feels like I’m a prisoner, but it’s needed nonetheless, and I try to learn and find the good.
Mental health needs to be destigmatized. We live in a world of dysfunction, and trauma changes the chemistry of the brain. I recently found out that a person I had become acquainted with on social media, took his own life. He had built a company, had the things that people think make a person happy, (money, home, friends etc)…but he couldn’t outrun his demons.
So far I’ve outrun mine. I hope to keep it that way.
Keywords: 4 mental health diagnoses, mental health, 4 mental health, coping skills, suicidal ideation, 4 mental health, 4 mental health
A little diddy I wrote for my Daenerys. My old Jeep that I have halfway finfished turning into a mini camper… I’ve got all the seats out, a platform build for the bed, recycled a junk desk from Walmart and a spot for the Zoester. It’s enough for us to sleep out under the stars. Though it’s freezing outside at the moment… 🤣
Oh… and I’m not a carpenter… my wood work is ragtag, but it works! I’ll fix and decorate more after I get finished. Nothing has given way yet! Haha… I’ll take a video tomorrow to share.
But right now I’ve got power, and warmth, and my girls (Sadie standing by as well). Simba will come too after I get his area situated.
Also… that little solar generator? It’s still going. Five days now. I haven’t been using it non stop, just when I need my small electronics charged. I’m impressed thus far!
I did not submit this poem to the battle, but I got the prompt from it. It wouldn’t have fallen within the parameters anyway… but that’s ok.
Sometimes I have to write when I feel inspired, and this week I kept ruminating on the prompt word, and decided I just let it happen, if it was meant to be. I wrote something and it is drawn from experiences and stories.
I wasn’t aiming for any form or fashion, I was just writing.